Alright.
Me and my Step-Brother are making an SSBB fangame in RPG Maker XP. It is going to use the XAS battle system. Anyways, I am writing the storyline and I would like to share the prologue for critique.
(Screen black.) Kirby: Where am I? Kirby: ... (Bright Flash) (Kirby is seen lying facedown on a beach (1). cue beach music.) Kirby: ... (Kirby wakes up and stands up.) Kirby: How did I get here? (Kirby looks around.) Kirby: Hmmm.... Kirby: Well, I might as well take a look around. ???: Kirby? Can you hear me? Kirby: Huh? What was that? ???: Kirby? CAN YOU HEAR ME? (Kirby looks around) Kirby: Who said that? (Music stops) Kirby: ...? ????: Don't even try that. (Music starts again) Kirby: Huh. That voice seemed...different. Kirby: Huh. Well, I don't know where I am, but I'll explore a little bit. (Player gains control) (Kirby moves to next area) (Next area is medium sized and has a pit in the middle, blocking other half of the area.) Kirby: Whoa! (Kirby moves to edge of pit.) (Kirby looks into pit.) Kirby: Whoa. That looks deep. ???: Don't worry Kirby! ???: There's a bridge! (Kirby is shocked as a bridge appears over the pit) (Kirby takes a step forward toward the bridge.) (Suddenly, a Meteor comes out of the sky and slams into the bridge, breaking it) ????: Not so easy now, is it? ???: Well, that's a game changer. Kirby: Who are you? ???: Err, it's not the time for it. ???: You need to get across this pit. ???: This is the perfect time to teach you "Skills". Kirby: "Skills"? What? ???: Skills are powers you can use in the field to solve puzzles. Kirby: Hey! So that means I can fly? ???: Err, no. I have an explanation. But again, not the time. Kirby: So, what do I do? ???: You can use a skill called "Call". Use it to contact me. Kirby: Alright, how do I use it? (A blue energy whirlwind appears next to Kirby.) ???: Use this. When in this space, select "Call". Kirby: Alright. Who are you? (Player regains control) (Player goes up to whirlwind and uses Call) (Bridge appears again) Kirby: Alright! (Player goes to next area) (Next area has a hammer, a sword, and a wand on pedastals, forming a triangle in the middle. it also has a treasure chest to the side. The exit is blocked by a forcefield)) ???: In the upcoming events, you need to prepare for battle. ???: You may choose one of these items. ???: Do you choose the hammer, with massive damage but slow usage? ???: Or, do you choose the sword, with weak damage but quick strike? ???: Or, do you choose the wand, which has incredible magic, but very poor damage? (Player regains control) (If the hammer is chosen, text displays: Kirby recieved hammer! Kirby learned "Power Smash"!) (If the sword is chosen, text displays: Kirby recieved sword! Kirby learned "Slide Slice"!) (If the wand is chosen, text displays: Kirby recieved wand! Kirby learned "Fireball"!) (Other two pedastals disappear.) ???: Alright. (Forcefield disapears) ???: What is that chest over there? Kirby: Hmmm..... ???: Well, don't approach it. It might be dangerous. Kirby: How dangerous can it be? (When the chest is opened, Text appears: Kirby found a Leather armor!) ???: Huh. Well, that's mysterious. ???: I might as well tell you how to equip it. ???: Go to your menu. Then, press "Equip". ???: Select that armor, then you equip it. Easy. (Player goes to next area.) (area has a metal enemy dispenser and a forcefield) Kirby: what is that? ???: Go activate it. (When activated, a slime appears.) Kirby: Whoa! ???: It's time for combat. This is an Enemy Dispenser. It creates enemies. ???: Press (Button) to attack. (Player defeats enemy) ???: Good. (Another, larger slime appears) ???: Now, use a tech. ???: To use it, press (button) to open the Tech menu. Select it, and use it. ???: Remember that using one will cost you Tech Points, ot TP. Kirby: Cool. (Forcefield opens) ???: I'll give you the option of fighting this one. ???: Defeating monsters will get you CP and EXP. CP you can spend in shops. EXP levels you up. (Player goes to next area.) (Area resembles an arena of sand.) ???: Hey, what gives? (Bright flash) ????: Hey, want some glitches? They are free of charge! (A giant Chu-Chu appears in the middle of the field) ???: Uh oh. Kirby: Another test? ???: No... Kirby: Uh.... ???: Good luck! Don't die! (Music changes to boss music) (Player starts battle) BATTLE (When defeated, Chu-Chu flashes red than explodes.) (Text: "Kirby recieved 50 EXP! Kirby recieved 25 CP! Boss dropped a "potion"!) (Bright flash) (Field changes to a destroyed version of itself. green wireframes are seen in several places.) (Music changes to a frantic, hurried, theme.) (Big door appears) ???: Quickly! This place is falling apart! ???: Get to the door! Kirby: !!!! (Player opens door) (Bright Flash) (Words display "Chapter 1") END OF CHAPTER PROLOGUE
Yes, ??? and ???? are two completely different characters.
Last edited by Earthboundjeff (2011-05-15 21:00:19)
Offline
You're talking about RPG Maker XP, right?
Cool story, anyway.
Offline
At least delete the bumps once you bump again.
And 1 a day dood. (Yeah right your not a dood.)
Offline
soupoftomato wrote:
At least delete the bumps once you bump again.
And 1 a day dood. (Yeah right your not a dood.)
I think it's an alternate form of "dude". What soupoftomato is trying to say here (I think) is that it's not polite to bump too often...try to limit it to once a day. And if you delete your old "bump" posts, your topic will be neater and easier to read. Good tips
Offline
I agree with soup, you should at least delete previous bumps.
But still nice storyline, seems like it'll explain the game well before the real thing starts.
Offline
Put it in a project and post it here: http://scratch.mit.edu/forums/viewtopic.php?id=63117
Numerous writers will say what they think, you can just post a link to here there too.
Offline
Earthboundjeff wrote:
I can't. it's really big, plus it's for a game.
Okay.
Offline
Hello? Anyone want to critique my epic story?
Offline