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#1 2011-05-15 18:50:27

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

What do you think of this?

Alright.
Me and my Step-Brother are making an SSBB fangame in RPG Maker XP. It is going to use the XAS battle system. Anyways, I am writing the storyline and I would like to share the prologue for critique.


Code:

(Screen black.)
Kirby: Where am I?
Kirby: ...
(Bright Flash)
(Kirby is seen lying facedown on a beach (1). cue beach music.)
Kirby: ...
(Kirby wakes up and stands up.)
Kirby: How did I get here?
(Kirby looks around.)
Kirby: Hmmm....
Kirby: Well, I might as well take a look around.
???: Kirby? Can you hear me?
Kirby: Huh? What was that?
???: Kirby? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
(Kirby looks around)
Kirby: Who said that?
(Music stops)
Kirby: ...?
????: Don't even try that.
(Music starts again)
Kirby: Huh. That voice seemed...different.
Kirby: Huh. Well, I don't know where I am, but I'll explore a little bit.
(Player gains control)
(Kirby moves to next area)
(Next area is medium sized and has a pit in the middle, blocking other half of the area.)
Kirby: Whoa!
(Kirby moves to edge of pit.)
(Kirby looks into pit.)
Kirby: Whoa. That looks deep.
???: Don't worry Kirby!
???: There's a bridge!
(Kirby is shocked as a bridge appears over the pit)
(Kirby takes a step forward toward the bridge.)
(Suddenly, a Meteor comes out of the sky and slams into the bridge, breaking it)
????: Not so easy now, is it?
???: Well, that's a game changer.
Kirby: Who are you?
???: Err, it's not the time for it.
???: You need to get across this pit.
???: This is the perfect time to teach you "Skills".
Kirby: "Skills"? What?
???: Skills are powers you can use in the field to solve puzzles.
Kirby: Hey! So that means I can fly?
???: Err, no. I have an explanation. But again, not the time.
Kirby: So, what do I do?
???: You can use a skill called "Call". Use it to contact me.
Kirby: Alright, how do I use it?
(A blue energy whirlwind appears next to Kirby.)
???: Use this. When in this space, select "Call".
Kirby: Alright. Who are you?
(Player regains control)
(Player goes up to whirlwind and uses Call)
(Bridge appears again)
Kirby: Alright!
(Player goes to next area)
(Next area has a hammer, a sword, and a wand on pedastals, forming a triangle in the middle. it also has a treasure chest to the side. The exit is blocked by a forcefield))
???: In the upcoming events, you need to prepare for battle.
???: You may choose one of these items.
???: Do you choose the hammer, with massive damage but slow usage?
???: Or, do you choose the sword, with weak damage but quick strike?
???: Or, do you choose the wand, which has incredible magic, but very poor damage?
(Player regains control)
(If the hammer is chosen, text displays: Kirby recieved hammer! Kirby learned "Power Smash"!)
(If the sword is chosen, text displays: Kirby recieved sword! Kirby learned "Slide Slice"!)
(If the wand is chosen, text displays: Kirby recieved wand! Kirby learned "Fireball"!)
(Other two pedastals disappear.)
???: Alright.
(Forcefield disapears)
???: What is that chest over there?
Kirby: Hmmm.....
???: Well, don't approach it. It might be dangerous.
Kirby: How dangerous can it be?
(When the chest is opened, Text appears: Kirby found a Leather armor!)
???: Huh. Well, that's mysterious.
???: I might as well tell you how to equip it.
???: Go to your menu. Then, press "Equip".
???: Select that armor, then you equip it. Easy.
(Player goes to next area.)
(area has a metal enemy dispenser and a forcefield)
Kirby: what is that?
???: Go activate it. 
(When activated, a slime appears.)
Kirby: Whoa!
???: It's time for combat. This is an Enemy Dispenser. It creates enemies.
???: Press (Button) to attack.
(Player defeats enemy)
???: Good.
(Another, larger slime appears)
???: Now, use a tech.
???: To use it, press (button) to open the Tech menu. Select it, and use it.
???: Remember that using one will cost you Tech Points, ot TP.
Kirby: Cool.
(Forcefield opens)
???: I'll give you the option of fighting this one.
???: Defeating monsters will get you CP and EXP. CP you can spend in shops. EXP levels you up.
(Player goes to next area.)
(Area resembles an arena of sand.)
???: Hey, what gives?
(Bright flash)
????: Hey, want some glitches? They are free of charge!
(A giant Chu-Chu appears in the middle of the field)
???: Uh oh.
Kirby: Another test?
???: No...
Kirby: Uh....
???: Good luck! Don't die!
(Music changes to boss music)
(Player starts battle)
BATTLE
(When defeated, Chu-Chu flashes red than explodes.)
(Text: "Kirby recieved 50 EXP! Kirby recieved 25 CP! Boss dropped a "potion"!)
(Bright flash)
(Field changes to a destroyed version of itself. green wireframes are seen in several places.)
(Music changes to a frantic, hurried, theme.)
(Big door appears)
???: Quickly! This place is falling apart!
???: Get to the door!
Kirby: !!!!
(Player opens door)
(Bright Flash)
(Words display "Chapter 1")
END OF CHAPTER PROLOGUE

Yes, ??? and ???? are two completely different characters.

Last edited by Earthboundjeff (2011-05-15 21:00:19)


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#2 2011-05-15 18:52:44

svinnik
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-08-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

Looks good. Does RPGXP cost money?


http://www.harkavagrant.com/msnpaint/rabies.jpg

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#3 2011-05-15 18:55:33

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

Only $29.99.


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#4 2011-05-15 20:18:06

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


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#5 2011-05-15 20:30:42

TheGameMaster1231
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-07-24
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

You're talking about RPG Maker XP, right?

Cool story, anyway.  big_smile

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#6 2011-05-15 21:00:01

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

Thank you! I really tried to make it good.


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#7 2011-05-16 11:42:13

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


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#8 2011-05-16 20:55:15

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


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#9 2011-05-17 07:38:44

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


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#10 2011-05-17 13:41:19

soupoftomato
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-07-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

At least delete the bumps once you bump again.

And 1 a day dood. (Yeah right your not a dood.)


I'm glad to think that the community will always be kind and helpful, the language will always be a fun and easy way to be introduced into programming, the motto will always be: Imagine, Program, Share - Nomolos

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#11 2011-05-17 18:43:00

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

What?


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#12 2011-05-17 19:38:43

Paddle2See
Scratch Team
Registered: 2007-10-27
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

soupoftomato wrote:

At least delete the bumps once you bump again.

And 1 a day dood. (Yeah right your not a dood.)

I think it's an alternate form of "dude".  What soupoftomato is trying to say here (I think) is that it's not polite to bump too often...try to limit it to once a day.  And if you delete your old "bump" posts, your topic will be neater and easier to read.  Good tips  smile


http://i39.tinypic.com/2nav6o7.gif

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#13 2011-05-18 12:13:22

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


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#14 2011-05-18 12:40:29

technoguyx
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

I agree with soup, you should at least delete previous bumps.

But still nice storyline, seems like it'll explain the game well before the real thing starts.  tongue


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#15 2011-05-18 13:01:07

Pecola1
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-06
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

Put it in a project and post it here: http://scratch.mit.edu/forums/viewtopic.php?id=63117

Numerous writers will say what they think, you can just post a link to here there too.


If you are reading this, please read to the end, because if you don't you won't know what's at the end. Don't just skip to the end though otherwise you won't be able to read the middle, which is most important. Now you must be wondering why you just read all that, the reason is you may have not noticed something, read it again and see if you notice it this time  smile

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#16 2011-05-18 15:28:34

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

I can't. it's really big, plus it's for a game.


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#17 2011-05-18 15:30:01

Pecola1
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-06
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

Earthboundjeff wrote:

I can't. it's really big, plus it's for a game.

Okay.


If you are reading this, please read to the end, because if you don't you won't know what's at the end. Don't just skip to the end though otherwise you won't be able to read the middle, which is most important. Now you must be wondering why you just read all that, the reason is you may have not noticed something, read it again and see if you notice it this time  smile

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#18 2011-05-18 18:46:45

LunarEclipse
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-04-12
Posts: 57

Re: What do you think of this?

Hello? Anyone want to critique my epic story?


This is Earthboundjeff's Test Account.
http://i56.tinypic.com/11jw576.jpg

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#19 2011-05-19 09:05:03

Earthboundjeff
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


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#20 2011-05-19 11:37:17

LunarEclipse
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-04-12
Posts: 57

Re: What do you think of this?

bump


This is Earthboundjeff's Test Account.
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