Scratch

Hey, can you guys please read and critique this?  This is the first chapter of one of my stories.  Backstory revealed later, Ben and comrades are recombinants.  They weren't good, so they were discarded in Jettison.

Jettison.  The name sent shivers down any recombinant's spine
    Jettison.  The name made kids cry out in their sleep.
    Jettison.  The name scared anybody and everybody.
    And it was Ben's home.
    Thirteen-year-old Ben folded back the too-small-to-function wings and felt the fur on his arms stand on end.  He ran his tongue nervously along blunt teeth.
    It was too quiet for his liking.  The dark forest was full of shifting shadows.  Ben felt Rowan and Willow tense beside him. 
    Rowan, fifteen, shook back his dark mahogany hair from sharp rowan-berry eyes and gripped his knife.
    Willow's wiry hand strayed to the dagger she always carried.  Her quick eyes glanced around from behind long, strangely silver hair(she was fourteen and her hair had always been that color).
    Suddenly a sharp crack of thunder rang out and large, dark droplets of rain dropped on their heads!
    "Run!" Ben yelled and grabbed Willow's arm, but she pried his paw-like hand away, yelling that she didn't need his help.
    They ran, fell, and rolled down a hill.  Ben spat hot mud from his mouth and picked himself up, scraping mud from his face. 
    A small hole, carved out of the rock, straight ahead, just big enough to fit all three of them!  Ben focused on it, ignoring the rain dripping into his face, ignoring the thunder and lightning. 
    With a yell and a bound, Ben climbed in and lay on his stomach, rain dripping from every inch of his misshapen body.  His breath came heavily, sucking in lungfuls of hot, damp air.
    Then he remembered Rowan and Willow.  He turned his head in their direction and rose to his knees.  His dark hair brushed the roof of the hole.
    Rowan flashed an nervous grin at Ben.  He and Willow ran furiously towards Ben, their feet slipping and sinking in the warm, damp mud.  Willow put on an extra burst of speed, reaching up and grabbing Ben's wolfy paw-like hand, carefully avoiding the short, sharp claws.  Her feet scrabbled against the slippery rock as she tried to climb up.  Ben pulled her arm, but she was too heavy.  He put out his other paw.  Willow took it, jumping and edging up into the hole.
    A shove from Rowan pushed Willow into the hollow.  Rowan grasped Ben's outstretched paw and climbed into the hollow.
    It was just large enough for the three of them.  They huddled together, listening to the storm raging outside.
    This was how Ben lived.  Always traveling, dreading the next storm, taking any shelter he could.
    It could be worse, he often thought.  At least I have Rowan and Willow.  I'd go crazy if I had to wander Jettison alone.
    This was Ben's world.  The only other world he'd known was the lab.  The lab where they tested his blood and DNA and his abilities.
    Well, he thought, I guess this really is my home.

calebxy wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Hey, can you guys please read and critique this?  This is the first chapter of one of my stories.  Backstory revealed later, Ben and comrades are recombinants.  They weren't good, so they were discarded in Jettison.

Jettison.  The name sent shivers down any recombinant's spine
    Jettison.  The name made kids cry out in their sleep.
    Jettison.  The name scared anybody and everybody.
    And it was Ben's home.
    Thirteen-year-old Ben folded back the too-small-to-function wings and felt the fur on his arms stand on end.  He ran his tongue nervously along blunt teeth.
    It was too quiet for his liking.  The dark forest was full of shifting shadows.  Ben felt Rowan and Willow tense beside him. 
    Rowan, fifteen, shook back his dark mahogany hair from sharp rowan-berry eyes and gripped his knife.
    Willow's wiry hand strayed to the dagger she always carried.  Her quick eyes glanced around from behind long, strangely silver hair(she was fourteen and her hair had always been that color).
    Suddenly a sharp crack of thunder rang out and large, dark droplets of rain dropped on their heads!
    "Run!" Ben yelled and grabbed Willow's arm, but she pried his paw-like hand away, yelling that she didn't need his help.
    They ran, fell, and rolled down a hill.  Ben spat hot mud from his mouth and picked himself up, scraping mud from his face. 
    A small hole, carved out of the rock, straight ahead, just big enough to fit all three of them!  Ben focused on it, ignoring the rain dripping into his face, ignoring the thunder and lightning. 
    With a yell and a bound, Ben climbed in and lay on his stomach, rain dripping from every inch of his misshapen body.  His breath came heavily, sucking in lungfuls of hot, damp air.
    Then he remembered Rowan and Willow.  He turned his head in their direction and rose to his knees.  His dark hair brushed the roof of the hole.
    Rowan flashed an nervous grin at Ben.  He and Willow ran furiously towards Ben, their feet slipping and sinking in the warm, damp mud.  Willow put on an extra burst of speed, reaching up and grabbing Ben's wolfy paw-like hand, carefully avoiding the short, sharp claws.  Her feet scrabbled against the slippery rock as she tried to climb up.  Ben pulled her arm, but she was too heavy.  He put out his other paw.  Willow took it, jumping and edging up into the hole.
    A shove from Rowan pushed Willow into the hollow.  Rowan grasped Ben's outstretched paw and climbed into the hollow.
    It was just large enough for the three of them.  They huddled together, listening to the storm raging outside.
    This was how Ben lived.  Always traveling, dreading the next storm, taking any shelter he could.
    It could be worse, he often thought.  At least I have Rowan and Willow.  I'd go crazy if I had to wander Jettison alone.
    This was Ben's world.  The only other world he'd known was the lab.  The lab where they tested his blood and DNA and his abilities.
    Well, he thought, I guess this really is my home.

That's really good.   

So, it's a fantasy story?

Thanks.
Fantasy-sci fi, I dunno.  If it's not possible to create a recombinant like Ben, then fantasy.  If so, sci-fi, but it takes place around the year 3000.
Thanks.  I've been working pretty hard on the whole story.   

calebxy wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

calebxy wrote:

That's really good.   

So, it's a fantasy story?

Thanks.
Fantasy-sci fi, I dunno.  If it's not possible to create a recombinant like Ben, then fantasy.  If so, sci-fi, but it takes place around the year 3000.
Thanks.  I've been working pretty hard on the whole story.   

So does that mean you've written more than this?

Yeah.  The whole story, but I'm still revising.

I like it, but I did a small bit of editing. I wrote what I was thinking while reading. My color code may be a tad confusing.

Jettison.  The name sent shivers down any recombinant's spine
    Jettison.  The name made kids cry out in their sleep.
    Jettison.  The name scared anybody and everybody.
    And it was Ben's home.
    Thirteen-year-old Ben folded back the too-small-to-function wings and felt the fur on his arms stand on end.  He ran his tongue nervously along blunt teeth.
    It was too quiet for his liking.  The dark forest was full of shifting shadows.  Ben felt Rowan and Willow tense beside him.
    Rowan, fifteen, shook back his dark mahogany hair from sharp rowan-berry eyes and gripped his knife.
    Willow's wiry hand strayed to the dagger she always carried.  Her quick eyes glanced around from behind long, strangely silver hair(she was fourteen and her hair had always been that color).
    Suddenly a sharp crack of thunder rang out and large, dark droplets of rain dropped on their heads!
    "Run!" Ben yelled and grabbed Willow's arm, but she pried his paw-like hand away, yelling that she didn't need his help.
    They ran, fell, and rolled down a hill.  Ben spat hot mud from his mouth and picked himself up, scraping mud from his face.
    He saw a small hole, carved out of the rock, straight ahead, just big enough to fit all three of them!  Ben focused on it, ignoring the rain dripping into his face, ignoring the thunder and lightning.
    With a yell and a bound, Ben climbed in and lay on his stomach, rain dripping from every inch of his misshapen body.  His breath came heavily, sucking in lungfuls of hot, damp air.
    Then he remembered Rowan and Willow.  He turned his head in their direction and rose to his knees.  His dark hair brushed the roof of the hole.
    Rowan flashed an nervous grin at Ben.  He and Willow ran furiously towards Ben, their feet slipping and sinking in the warm, damp mud.  Willow put on an extra burst of speed, reaching up and grabbing Ben's wolfy, paw-like hand*, carefully avoiding the short, sharp claws.  Her feet scrabbled against the slippery rock as she tried to climb up.  Ben pulled her arm, but she was too heavy.  He put out his other paw.  Willow took it, jumping and edging up into the hole.
    A shove from Rowan pushed Willow into the hollow.  Rowan grasped Ben's outstretched paw and climbed into the hollow.
    It was just large enough for the three of them.  They huddled together, listening to the storm raging outside.
    This was how Ben lived.  Always traveling, dreading the next storm, taking any shelter he could.
    It could be worse, he often thought.  At least I have Rowan and Willow.  I'd go crazy if I had to wander Jettison alone.
    This was Ben's world.  The only other world he'd known was the lab.  The lab where they tested his blood and DNA and his abilities.
    Well, he thought, I guess this really is my home.

*I'd just say 'wolf-like paw' instead of 'wolfy paw-like hand'

Red is things I would personally add in the writing. Blue are tips of mine. Purple is a word I think is unfitting. Green is a spelling error or a nonexistent word. Orange is a grammar error.

owetre18 wrote:

Thanks for adding mine. I'm making a new sig soon, so I'll add this to it.

Good idea. Spread the word!

ive tried writing, but whenever i write something it seems dumb

PlutoIsHades wrote:

wiimaster wrote:

I like it, but I did a small bit of editing. I wrote what I was thinking while reading. My color code may be a tad confusing.

Jettison.  The name sent shivers down any recombinant's spine
    Jettison.  The name made kids cry out in their sleep.
    Jettison.  The name scared anybody and everybody.
    And it was Ben's home.
    Thirteen-year-old Ben folded back the too-small-to-function wings and felt the fur on his arms stand on end.  He ran his tongue nervously along blunt teeth.
    It was too quiet for his liking.  The dark forest was full of shifting shadows.  Ben felt Rowan and Willow tense beside him.
    Rowan, fifteen, shook back his dark mahogany hair from sharp rowan-berry eyes and gripped his knife.
    Willow's wiry hand strayed to the dagger she always carried.  Her quick eyes glanced around from behind long, strangely silver hair(she was fourteen and her hair had always been that color).
    Suddenly a sharp crack of thunder rang out and large, dark droplets of rain dropped on their heads!
    "Run!" Ben yelled and grabbed Willow's arm, but she pried his paw-like hand away, yelling that she didn't need his help.
    They ran, fell, and rolled down a hill.  Ben spat hot mud from his mouth and picked himself up, scraping mud from his face.
    He saw a small hole, carved out of the rock, straight ahead, just big enough to fit all three of them!  Ben focused on it, ignoring the rain dripping into his face, ignoring the thunder and lightning.
    With a yell and a bound, Ben climbed in and lay on his stomach, rain dripping from every inch of his misshapen body.  His breath came heavily, sucking in lungfuls of hot, damp air.
    Then he remembered Rowan and Willow.  He turned his head in their direction and rose to his knees.  His dark hair brushed the roof of the hole.
    Rowan flashed an nervous grin at Ben.  He and Willow ran furiously towards Ben, their feet slipping and sinking in the warm, damp mud.  Willow put on an extra burst of speed, reaching up and grabbing Ben's wolfy, paw-like hand*, carefully avoiding the short, sharp claws.  Her feet scrabbled against the slippery rock as she tried to climb up.  Ben pulled her arm, but she was too heavy.  He put out his other paw.  Willow took it, jumping and edging up into the hole.
    A shove from Rowan pushed Willow into the hollow.  Rowan grasped Ben's outstretched paw and climbed into the hollow.
    It was just large enough for the three of them.  They huddled together, listening to the storm raging outside.
    This was how Ben lived.  Always traveling, dreading the next storm, taking any shelter he could.
    It could be worse, he often thought.  At least I have Rowan and Willow.  I'd go crazy if I had to wander Jettison alone.
    This was Ben's world.  The only other world he'd known was the lab.  The lab where they tested his blood and DNA and his abilities.
    Well, he thought, I guess this really is my home.

*I'd just say 'wolf-like paw' instead of 'wolfy paw-like hand'

Red is things I would personally add in the writing. Blue are tips of mine. Purple is a word I think is unfitting. Green is a spelling error or a nonexistent word. Orange is a grammar error.

Thanks for the editing.     Here are some questions I had while reading your comments:
Why do you think "recombinant" is unfitting?  About 3/4 of the people there are some form of recombinant, and I need to give the reader some clue about that.
Thanks for the "wolf-like paw" thing.  I think I'll fix that in my Pages copy of the story.

My issue about using 'recombinant' is I am confused as to why you put it there. Why would you say 'down any recombinant's spine'? What makes it only send shivers down the spine of a recombinant as opposed to something else? It makes sense, but there are better words.

Another issue I had is that I would like to have Ben's species (he obviously is not exactly human) described more, and given a name perhaps.

Last edited by wiimaster (2011-11-06 18:25:23)

CheeseMunchy wrote:

I don't. Its so boring to me.

Don't post here then, please.

My NaNoWriMo, thus far: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id … Rqpvf_EnfI

PlutoIsHades wrote:

wiimaster wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Thanks for the editing.     Here are some questions I had while reading your comments:
Why do you think "recombinant" is unfitting?  About 3/4 of the people there are some form of recombinant, and I need to give the reader some clue about that.
Thanks for the "wolf-like paw" thing.  I think I'll fix that in my Pages copy of the story.

My issue about using 'recombinant' is I am confused as to why you put it there. Why would you say 'down any recombinant's spine'? What makes it only send shivers down the spine of a recombinant as opposed to something else? It makes sense, but there are better words.

Another issue I had is that I would like to have Ben's species (he obviously is not exactly human) described more, and given a name perhaps.

As I stated earlier, more is revealed later.  Some of the later-revealed answers are: Ben is a one-of-a-kind recombinant, and is described more throughout the book.  Also, I understand about recombinant as opposed to anything else, but Jettison is the world where useless recombinants are dumped if they aren't needed.  Sorry for not clarifying that as well as I could have.   

Now it makes sense, if it is a planet of recombinants. Make that more clearer and you'll be good.

Andres-Vander wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

My NaNoWriMo, thus far: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id … Rqpvf_EnfI

That's good

Thanks