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#27 2011-09-28 20:25:33
- PlutoIsHades
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-18
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
Okay, I finally wrote chapter 4! 
Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.
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#29 2011-09-29 16:30:45
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
PlutoIsHades wrote:
Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he falls.
I think you should change that. It sounds weird to me.
Maybe like, "Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he plunges down."
Also, the "his small body grows smaller" part should be changed.
Maybe take out the first "small"
Last edited by imnotbob (2011-09-29 16:57:17)
PesterChum Handle: annoyingAnchorman
durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john
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#30 2011-09-29 16:38:32
- Solarbuddy
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2009-04-14
- Posts: 500+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
Can't wait for the 5th!!!
View my latest project
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#31 2011-09-29 17:08:31
- PlutoIsHades
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-18
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
imnotbob wrote:
PlutoIsHades wrote:
Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he falls.
I think you should change that. It sounds weird to me.
Maybe like, "Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he plunges down."
Also, the "his small body grows smaller" part should be changed.
Maybe take out the first "small"
Good idea about the first sentence, but in the second I'm implying that he's not a big guy.
Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.
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#32 2011-09-29 17:09:16
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
PlutoIsHades wrote:
imnotbob wrote:
PlutoIsHades wrote:
Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he falls.
I think you should change that. It sounds weird to me.
Maybe like, "Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he plunges down."
Also, the "his small body grows smaller" part should be changed.
Maybe take out the first "small"Good idea about the first sentence, but in the second I'm implying that he's not a big guy.
Oh, OK.
Maybe "as his thin body" or "skinny body?"
PesterChum Handle: annoyingAnchorman
durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john
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#33 2011-09-29 17:12:23
- PlutoIsHades
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-18
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
imnotbob wrote:
PlutoIsHades wrote:
imnotbob wrote:
I think you should change that. It sounds weird to me.
Maybe like, "Suddenly I see him fall, disappearing as he plunges down."
Also, the "his small body grows smaller" part should be changed.
Maybe take out the first "small"Good idea about the first sentence, but in the second I'm implying that he's not a big guy.
Oh, OK.
Maybe "as his thin body" or "skinny body?"
Meh. Thanks for the suggestion, but I prefer it the way it is. 
Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.
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#34 2011-09-29 17:14:02
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
PlutoIsHades wrote:
imnotbob wrote:
PlutoIsHades wrote:
Good idea about the first sentence, but in the second I'm implying that he's not a big guy.
Oh, OK.
Maybe "as his thin body" or "skinny body?"Meh. Thanks for the suggestion, but I prefer it the way it is.
OK
x- so the filter won't make my OK look like Ok.
PesterChum Handle: annoyingAnchorman
durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john
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#35 2011-10-02 09:34:34
- PlutoIsHades
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-18
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
Chapter five added.
Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.
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#36 2011-10-02 12:04:49
- PlutoIsHades
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-18
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
Bump.
Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.
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#37 2011-10-02 12:10:25
- Lellowsfuzz
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2009-04-17
- Posts: 500+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
So, two kid's parents die. After four years of wanting revenge, they say, "Hey! Let's go into the portal and avenge our parents!" when they could've done that 4 years ago.
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#38 2011-10-02 12:14:15
- PlutoIsHades
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-18
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Zombie Pigboy - A Minecraft Story
Lellowsfuzz wrote:
So, two kid's parents die. After four years of wanting revenge, they say, "Hey! Let's go into the portal and avenge our parents!" when they could've done that 4 years ago.
Lol. Well, isn't nine years old a little young? And then there's something else called shock. Plus they needed to find the portal. And plan. And grow up a bit.
Good point, though. 
Last edited by PlutoIsHades (2011-10-02 12:14:55)
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