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#1 2011-09-17 11:21:24
- Animeboy975
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-01-09
- Posts: 1000+
Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
Also a comic.
It's about a kid who goes to a school of a bunch of weird creatures.
Chapter 1: 7th grade, here i come!
It was a new year.I'm going to a new school, called Falcon Heights. Oh yeah, my name is Jack. I'm a normal kid. (a stick figure, to be exact.) I went into the front door and saw the principal person is three faces untop eachother, one is happy, one is sleeping, one is mad.
"Where is the 7th grade hall." i asked "Call me Tripleface." said the three heads. "And the 7th grade hall way is on the left." Tripleface said. I went left, and found the 7th grade hallway. "So, i'm in ms.supernova's class." I saw the brown door and opened it. I saw a red-black thing. "Call me Ms.Supernova." she said. "Introduce yourselves." I said sitting down to a blob with cat ears. "I'm jack. I like video games and anime." The cat blob said "ME TOO! And my name is Meowzers." Looks like we'll be best buds.
What do you think? Does it need any help?
Miiverse:Ryanshy47Offline
#2 2011-09-17 11:25:13
Re: Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
Are you drawing it? Or is it already a comic? It does have some grammar mistakes, and some letters should be capitalized. I like it, though.
(ps: I now declare this thread to contain ponies. animeboy is a brony with us.)
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#4 2011-09-17 11:56:00
- brettman98
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-10-17
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
Ugh, don't quit your day job.
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#5 2011-09-17 12:26:51
- samurai768
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2009-07-21
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
I think it's an awesome concept, but I feel that's it's very cliche in the way they talk, and that there should be a different way that Jack is introduced. I know from experience, because I've written a story that starts out in a very similar way. Maybe you could change from first person to 3rd person limited?
This is how I would write it:
Chapter One: 7th Grade, Here I Come!
The three headed principal stared at Jack, examining him suspiciously.
"You're... Jack? The new student, right, right." the second face confirmed.
He nodded. The principal stopped in front of him.
"Welcome to Falcon Heights. I'm your principal, Tripleface." all three faces greeted in unison. "Your first class will be in this hall right here, first door on the left. If you have any questions, I'm sure your teacher will answer them for you."
As Tripleface left, Jack walked to the sleek wooden door just a few feet away. He glanced to the white lettering on the nameplate above the door.
"Ms. Supernova, eh?" he mumbled to himself.
The door creaked open...
I hope that helped 
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#6 2011-09-17 13:21:59
- Animeboy975
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-01-09
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
Okay...
Yes, the comic is at school, but i'll post pictures. WARNING:i have REALLY bad handwriting.
Miiverse:Ryanshy47Offline
#7 2011-09-17 13:25:15
Re: Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
Animeboy975 wrote:
WARNING:i have REALLY bad handwriting.
it's ok, it sounds like it's good, but you need to clean it up a bit. "oh, yeah my name is jack." maybe, have him talking to one of the students and saying "my name is Jack" or something.
it's going somewhere, keep it up 
Last edited by imnotbob (2011-09-25 09:44:52)
PesterChum Handle: annoyingAnchorman
durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john
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#9 2011-09-25 09:34:53
- Animeboy975
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-01-09
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Falcon Heights is going to be a story of mine!
bump
Miiverse:Ryanshy47Offline