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#1 2011-09-11 08:54:19

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Am I any good at writing? :D

This is my story, I hope you like it. I wrote it with pretty much no inspiration.

And so I pulled the headphones down over my ears, blocking out the yelling, the hostility, the world.
They've been screaming at each other all morning: my mom and my dad. I thought they were just acting at first, but now I can hear their deranged ranting over my music, and even my favourite song on full volume can't drown them out.
It's been happening quite a lot recently: mom will ask dad to put a bit more effort into looking after the house, or ask for him to fetch groceries. Dad will moan that he works 6 days a week nine 'til seven, and that he needs a break, the least he needs is more stress. Mom will retort, saying that he's just a lazy beggar. Their pained smirks melt into fierce grimaces, and their calm voices become loud and crazed.
It's so distracting now, I can't concentrate on the music, or anything for that matter. I haul myself up off the bristly carpet and go up to my bedroom, where hopefully I will find peace.
I'll take that back. Molly has attached herself to my leg, and is crying, terrified of the loud noise. I can't just pull her off me and leave. She's my little sister, just turned 5 yesterday. She got no cake, no presents, no birthday hug. But she's not disappointed; its the norm for us.
Our family has no money, I've resorted to stealing odd apples and dropped grapes in our local supermarket, to keep us alive. Mom usually forgets about the weekly shopping trip, and wastes the housekeeping allowance drowning her sorrows night after night. It's so depressing, but you get used to it. It's no good trying to ask mom to stop drinking, she just smacks you across the legs and throws insults at you.
A sharp sound echoes around our bare house... it sounds like a smack. I guess dad hit mom again. Only I can't hear her stumbling and drunken cursing as she tries to retaliate.
I drop my earphones on the floor, telling Molly to stay where she is. She nods, sucking her thumb.
I hurry down the stairs, apprehensive. I'm not sure what I'll find. I've had to call the police on dad a few times, after he knocked mom unconscious. I remember when he turned on me, and I spent the night in intensive care with a broken leg from where he cracked me with a baseball bat for being insolent.
I hear the lock click in our door and scurry into the lounge. Dad's gone. Mom is lying bleeding on the carpet, her arms and head crying crimson tears.
I'm so scared, I run to fetch my mobile, amd punch the keypad, dialling 999. I am shaking uncontrollably - I've been in this situation many times before, but this is different. I'mscared for my own welfare. I don't care about mom. I HATE dad. I don't give a darn about whiny little Molly. I'm running away.
I give the details to the lady on the phone, she tells me an ambulance is on the way.
This is my chance.
I'm seriously gonna make a run for it.
I run upstairs and pick up my headphones. I'm not taking any clothes, I don't have time to pack. the ambulance will be here any minute. I kiss Molly's cheek and she looks up at me with watery, red eyes. I feel so guilty.
...no I don't.
I'm SICK of being everyone's last choice, the person you feel sorry for. Well, they lost their chance. I couldn't care less about them. I push Molly over and sieze my phone off the bed. I pull on my scuffed trainers, though I have to scrunch up my toes to get them on. I bolt down and dive for the front door. I blow a final kiss to my mom, who is still sprawled motionless on the floor.
I leave the door wide open so the paramedics can get in quickly. I don't really want mom to die, even though she couldn't care less about me...
As I walk up the street, I feel resentment for leaving my mom. I keep looking back at the house, in case someone goes in and tries to steal anything or hurt Mom even more. I'm regretting not bringing a coat too. The bitter morning breeze burns my grubby face, my pyjamas are thin and threadbare and don't help keep me warm at all.
Hello Past, stop tapping me on the shoulder - I'm not looking back. I'm starting a new life, under a new name. I won't be a shy little kid any more... I'll be a rough street girl, who won't take any rubbish from anyone.
I am Trinity Rose, and this is my new life.
I have nowhere to go.
I am so hungry.
I am lonely and cold.
But at least I can start afresh, a new beginning...
It's the beginning of the end.
Eager to escape my past, I dart out into the road, paying no attention to the car that was desperately trying to swerve out of my way. It didn't swerve enough. I heard the piercing scream as I smashed into the bumper, my neck crunching as I impacted on the tarmac road surface.
I must be dead.
I'll join the Black Parade... just like in the song...

...

I eventually wake up again. I see no people in military jackets, no black snow spiralling from the heavens. All I see is the tiresome pattern of tiles on the ceiling and a drab yellowish wall to my left.
There's a persistent BEEP too, I try to move and find outthe source of the noise, but I am anchored down to the bed I am in, all sorts of wires connecting me to large grey machines. It hits home: I am in a hospital. I am not dead.
But what is about to happen will make me wish I was...



Do you like it? Please don't be harsh - I have a very dark writing style. x3 Opinions?
^_^


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#2 2011-09-11 09:00:11

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Amazing!  Can't wait to read more!


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#3 2011-09-11 09:02:37

The_Dancing_Donut
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Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Amazing!  Can't wait to read more!

Yay! Glad you like it!  big_smile 
If I get more good feedback I'll write more ^^ :3


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#4 2011-09-11 09:07:28

scimonster
Community Moderator
Registered: 2010-06-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

It's quite dark, and a little frightening too.
It's not as bad as some writing I've seen here though (no names [I don't even remember who  tongue ]).

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#5 2011-09-11 09:09:05

The_Dancing_Donut
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Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

scimonster wrote:

It's quite dark, and a little frightening too.
It's not as bad as some writing I've seen here though (no names [I don't even remember who  tongue ]).

Yeah, it's 'cos I'M dark and frightening, lol  tongue
Hope it wasn't too scary though~

Thanks  big_smile  Did you enjoy it as a whole?


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#6 2011-09-11 09:11:46

scimonster
Community Moderator
Registered: 2010-06-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

scimonster wrote:

It's quite dark, and a little frightening too.
It's not as bad as some writing I've seen here though (no names [I don't even remember who  tongue ]).

Yeah, it's 'cos I'M dark and frightening, lol  tongue
Hope it wasn't too scary though~

Thanks  big_smile  Did you enjoy it as a whole?

Not too scary. I suppose, but I don't usually read stuff like this...  tongue

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#7 2011-09-11 09:27:09

KyleK7
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-06-14
Posts: 500+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

scimonster wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

scimonster wrote:

It's quite dark, and a little frightening too.
It's not as bad as some writing I've seen here though (no names [I don't even remember who  tongue ]).

Yeah, it's 'cos I'M dark and frightening, lol  tongue
Hope it wasn't too scary though~

Thanks  big_smile  Did you enjoy it as a whole?

Not too scary. I suppose, but I don't usually read stuff like this...  tongue


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#8 2011-09-11 09:27:42

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

scimonster wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

scimonster wrote:

It's quite dark, and a little frightening too.
It's not as bad as some writing I've seen here though (no names [I don't even remember who  tongue ]).

Yeah, it's 'cos I'M dark and frightening, lol  tongue
Hope it wasn't too scary though~

Thanks  big_smile  Did you enjoy it as a whole?

Not too scary. I suppose, but I don't usually read stuff like this...  tongue

Good C;

And well, keep an open mind and maybe you'll take to liking a whole new genre ^_^


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#9 2011-09-11 09:28:27

scimonster
Community Moderator
Registered: 2010-06-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

scimonster wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:


Yeah, it's 'cos I'M dark and frightening, lol  tongue
Hope it wasn't too scary though~

Thanks  big_smile  Did you enjoy it as a whole?

Not too scary. I suppose, but I don't usually read stuff like this...  tongue

Good C;

And well, keep an open mind and maybe you'll take to liking a whole new genre ^_^

Maybe. ;_)

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#10 2011-09-11 09:29:45

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

KyleK7 wrote:

scimonster wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:


Yeah, it's 'cos I'M dark and frightening, lol :P
Hope it wasn't too scary though~

Thanks :D Did you enjoy it as a whole?

Not too scary. I suppose, but I don't usually read stuff like this... :P

Trying new things is fun :3

Like eating a potato when you've never eaten a potato before.
:DDDD
Like a discovery of potato :OOOO


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#11 2011-09-11 09:44:12

GLaDOS2
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Registered: 2011-06-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Nice! I WANT TO READ MORE ;n;


http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110421154628/half-life/en/images/9/9b/Glados_wheatley_tubes.jpghttp://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9bko90YfQ1rdk0vvo1_250.png

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#12 2011-09-11 09:46:18

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

GLaDOS2 wrote:

Nice! I WANT TO READ MORE ;n;

You can soon, once I write the next part :'D


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#13 2011-09-11 09:51:06

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

I hear a nurse, she drops her voice as she nears my bed; whispering in a tall brawny man's ear. He looks to me, unsure of how to react to my current state of health.
I try to focus on him and ge up, but a sharp pain and a sudden realisation knocks me back.
He looks into my eyes, and I glare back.
My memory is returning, I know this man all too well.
"Here you are Mr Newman, she's only just woken up from the sedatives. Don't startle her," the nurse mutters urgently, obviously busy and not in th mood for a chat.
Oh God, oh God.
It's Dad.


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#14 2011-09-11 09:53:53

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

I hear a nurse, she drops her voice as she nears my bed; whispering in a tall brawny man's ear. He looks to me, unsure of how to react to my current state of health.
I try to focus on him and ge up, but a sharp pain and a sudden realisation knocks me back.
He looks into my eyes, and I glare back.
My memory is returning, I know this man all too well.
"Here you are Mr Newman, she's only just woken up from the sedatives. Don't startle her," the nurse mutters urgently, obviously busy and not in th mood for a chat.
Oh God, oh God.
It's Dad.

yikes
THE SUSPENSE!


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#15 2011-09-11 10:02:06

ImagineIt
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Registered: 2011-02-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

More!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#16 2011-09-11 10:12:58

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

PlutoIsHades wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

I hear a nurse, she drops her voice as she nears my bed; whispering in a tall brawny man's ear. He looks to me, unsure of how to react to my current state of health.
I try to focus on him and ge up, but a sharp pain and a sudden realisation knocks me back.
He looks into my eyes, and I glare back.
My memory is returning, I know this man all too well.
"Here you are Mr Newman, she's only just woken up from the sedatives. Don't startle her," the nurse mutters urgently, obviously busy and not in the mood for a chat.
Oh God, oh God.
It's Dad.

yikes
THE SUSPENSE!

tongue  Teehee, that's what I was aiming for >w<

@ImagineIt - Okay, I'll start it now ^^


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#17 2011-09-11 10:38:19

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

There he is, standing over me, his face emotionless. My own face is almost as blank, I don't know what to say. I have a million words lined up ready to show my dad how I feel, why I ran away. I'm remembering what he did to mom. As much as her self-obsession and selfishness annoys me; what he did was very wrong. VERY wrong.
Things are taking a turn for the worse: Dad tells me about mom, she is just down the corridor in intensive care, her life slipping away. He explains how he is under arrest, though he was allowed to see me under special circumstances. A policeman who I had failed to notice lurking at the edge of the ward steps forwards and tells Dad that his time with me is up. I'm actually thankful: I keep seeing his face in my mind; contorted into a sick evil smile, my own mother's blood on his hands.
As he is led away by another police officer, Dad looks back at me, forcing a smile. I look away, I can never forgive him.
"Are you okay Rebecca?" the policeman asks, taking my hand.
I suddenly remembered my decision to restart my life; the decision that had clouded my concentration, to the point where I had failed to notice that car. The car that tried to kill me.
"Pl...please call me... Trinity Rose Tyler, officer," I stutter, tears welling in my eyes as I relived the fateful moment this morning, when I first heard the hard slap downstairs.
"According to my records, your surname is Newman. You are Rebecca Newman. Understand? Now I get that you could have concussion, but surely you must remember your own name?"
"My name IS Rebecca newman. But I'd ra-rather you called me Trinity Rose...Tyler. Personal reasons," I muttered, stumbling over syllables, trying deperately to sound convincing.
The policeman shook his head pityingly and whispered in my ear: "Okay, 'Trinity', your father is under arrest on charges of attempted murder and domestic abuse."
I drew in my breath deeply, then closed my eyes; at a loss. I had nothing to say, words failed me.
"Once you are released from hospital, you will be staying with your aunt. However, if your father is cleared of the charges before then, you will be staying with your dad."

I felt like screaming, but I couldn't manage it: I would be staying WITH MY DAD.
I am going to KILL myself before then, I promise you that.


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#18 2011-09-11 11:06:18

Wickimen
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Registered: 2009-08-02
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

A little too dark, but well written!  smile
So, what happens to Molly?


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#19 2011-09-11 11:10:50

scimonster
Community Moderator
Registered: 2010-06-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Seems like she really hates her dad!

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#20 2011-09-11 11:13:27

catfan8
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-07-23
Posts: 500+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

This is good.... I need more...


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#21 2011-09-11 13:02:24

bananaman114
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Registered: 2010-03-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Wow that was awesome  big_smile   big_smile   big_smile   big_smile


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#22 2011-09-11 13:11:03

The_Dancing_Donut
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Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Wickimen wrote:

A little too dark, but well written!  smile
So, what happens to Molly?

Haven't written the next part yet  wink
It's meant to be quite dark, Trinity/Rebecca is an emo girl...

@sci - Yeah, she does!  yikes

@catfan - I'll write the next part if you keep this on the first page of Misc.  big_smile  I'll remember to do it then ^^

@bananaman - Thanks  big_smile   big_smile   big_smile


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#23 2011-09-11 13:19:25

TheBajeebas
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Registered: 2010-04-26
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Ooh, good job, make more ;D


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#24 2011-09-11 13:30:50

Alternatives
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Great, really dark, I like it as I'm going through an emo phase myself.
Just one thing, what does she mean when she says that after what is going to happen, she will wish she's dead.


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Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

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#25 2011-09-11 13:35:30

The_Dancing_Donut
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-08-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Am I any good at writing? :D

Alternatives wrote:

Great, really dark, I like it as I'm going through an emo phase myself.
Just one thing, what does she mean when she says that after what is going to happen, she will wish she's dead.

Same, emos unite <3
The thing that is about to happen to her is so scary, she will regret being born, I suppose :3


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