Scratch

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

Albertt911 wrote:

I was already changed into ripped skinny jeans and a My Chemical Romance tee-shirt

For this, I applaud you :3 *claps*

Lol, after I wrote that part I thought 'Hey, this reminds me of Abi!  '

How was the story? Was it good so far?

gerbils800 wrote:

This deserves more views... 

Why thankyou! And more replies, if I'm honest :L I want to receive as much helpful advice as possible to make the story much better! I think it's 'cus I update it at night/evening ?

Missed some capitalizations. >_>
Good story otherwise.
I think

"Invisible. I know. Sarah. We must run. Now."

would do better with a comma after "Sarah".

bbbeb wrote:

No porridge explosion? D:

I like it, it's better written as well than before 

No porridge explosion YET 

And my iPod's been playing up and forgetting to change sentences to caps and 'i's to 'I's. Also whenever I go off writing and come back to it, it makes me start off with a capital :L I'll fix all the errors when I get on my laptop ^_^

Last edited by Albertt911 (2011-08-11 07:18:24)

scimonster wrote:

Missed some capitalizations. >_>
Good story otherwise.
I think

"Invisible. I know. Sarah. We must run. Now."

would do better with a comma after "Sarah".

I know :L I'll fix it all tomorrow 
Thanks!
And changed it :3

scimonster wrote:

Albertt911 wrote:

The figure braced itself to lunge at me, so I flinched. But I could see Hanna out of the corner of my eye. Her hands were glowing a creamy-white light. Glowing. I'm pretty sure hands don't glow by themselves. She looked angry, but focused. She raised her foot off of the ground, and thrusted her hands forward as she stomped her foot on the floor. I saw a trail of the light go from her foot through the floor in-between me and that...thing. And just as it lunged at me, a wall of dirt and rocks raised in front of me from where the light was., hitting the Hooded Figure. It went up with such force that when the wall stopped the Hooded Figre kept going until it hit the bottom of the motorway, and fell back down. I backed away quickly to avoid whatever that thing splatters when it hits the floor. But thankfully  all it did was hit the floor and transformed into a black vapour cloud which slowly disappeared into the air. What was going on?! Who are these weird things and when did Hanna go all superhuman at me?

The highlighted sentence is too boring. It doesn't fit in with the action of the rest of the paragraph. :S
Oh, and you misspelled "Figure" and "day" later on. 

I was thinking either that or the thing falling to the floor then sinking into the floor in a pool of boiling black acid. Should I go with that way then? :3

scimonster wrote:

Albertt911 wrote:

scimonster wrote:

The highlighted sentence is too boring. It doesn't fit in with the action of the rest of the paragraph. :S
Oh, and you misspelled "Figure" and "day" later on. 

I was thinking either that or the thing falling to the floor then sinking into the floor in a pool of boiling black acid. Should I go with that way then? :3

Let me see how it sounds with the other.

I backed away quickly to avoid whatever that thing splatters when it hits the floor. I screamed when It did hit the floor, but no blood or guts splattered anywhere. The Hooded Figure liquidized into a pool of hissing, black, bubbling pool which sank to the floor. What was going on?! Who are these weird things and when did Hanna go all superhuman at me?

Last edited by Albertt911 (2011-08-12 13:00:33)

Bump

Albertt911 wrote:

scimonster wrote:

Albertt911 wrote:

I was thinking either that or the thing falling to the floor then sinking into the floor in a pool of boiling black acid. Should I go with that way then? :3

Let me see how it sounds with the other.

I backed away quickly to avoid whatever that thing splatters when it hits the floor. I screamed when it did hit the floor, but no blood or guts splattered anywhere. The Hooded Figure liquidized into a pool of hissing, black, bubbling pool which sank into the floor. What was going on?! Who are these weird things and when did Hanna go all superhuman at me?

My suggestion:
Remove
Replace
Add

Albertt911 wrote:

I'm holding a kitty in my hand called Keith :3

Bump

Thats my dad's name... O_o

Updated 

Bump

Sorry I havent touched this for ages, i'm back now, ill post the next segment tomorrow!