Scratch

Kileymeister wrote:

It doesn't really roll well, I'm sorry to say.  I'd say you're writing about GLaDOS, but I've played too much Portal today, my references are off.

Yes. XD
I was thinking about getting rid of the very. It's what causes it to not roll well, does it?

Edited Version:

She hung from the ceiling,
the smart aleck.
Every time I looked at her,
she gave me an eerie feeling.

GarSkutherGirl wrote:

Kileymeister wrote:

It doesn't really roll well, I'm sorry to say.  I'd say you're writing about GLaDOS, but I've played too much Portal today, my references are off.

Yes. XD
I was thinking about getting rid of the very. It's what causes it to not roll well, does it?

Edited Version:

She hung from the ceiling,
the smart aleck.
Every time I looked at her,
she gave me an eerie feeling.

Too long between rhymes.

Kileymeister wrote:

It doesn't really roll well, I'm sorry to say.  And you only rhymed the top and bottom lines.  I'd say you're writing about GLaDOS, but I've played too much Portal today, my references are off.

Agreed. Not to offend you, GarSkuther, but it just doesn't flow well enough.   
Try something like:

"We looked!
Then we saw him
step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Cat in the Hat!"

-The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss

And, yes, it is way too long to be a rhyme. Maybe you should condense it a bit.
Also, the second line is way too short. 

Last edited by PandaGuy (2011-07-11 20:09:08)

My attempt-
There's a Noo in my shoe!
It wants to eat glue,
That silly old Noo,
Oh what should I do?

Edit: (It's true.) XD

Last edited by Wickimen (2011-07-11 20:22:15)

PandaGuy wrote:

Here's an example from me. 
It's not the best, but I just felt like it.

It was a nice, sunny day,
one that would make you want to play.

But as it began to rain,
all the children would restrain.

And hours passed by,
without a single glimpse of light in the sky.

Oh, how they wished they could play,
but as they got used to laying all day,
they just sat there staring at the floor or the screen.

Then one gloomy morning,
without any warning,
the professor of fun came to town.

He yelled from house to house,
"You over here,
you over there,
get up and play,
at least an hour a day!"

All the children were surprised,
to see fun in disguise.

"Oh no!" they all shouted.
The children all routed
and left ever so quickly.

"We're here!" the kids sang out in glee.
"Yippee!"

But where was here?
Why, on a donkey's rear.

Yes, yes, they were living on a donkey's back,
and now they lost track,
on a donkey's little rear,
which made them shed a little tear.

Hope you like it! I made it a year or two ago. 

P.S. I recommend you make the poem one sentence, instead of two. Otherwise, it would be fine. But, hey, who am I to judge? You can figure that out on yourself. 

Pretty good, except some of the words are longer than Dr. Seuss would use like "restrain" and "disguise". I read once that Dr. Seuss wrote a book completely from a list of short "childrens' book" words. Rhymes pretty well though 

Wickimen wrote:

PandaGuy wrote:

Here's an example from me. 
It's not the best, but I just felt like it.

It was a nice, sunny day,
one that would make you want to play.

But as it began to rain,
all the children would restrain.

And hours passed by,
without a single glimpse of light in the sky.

Oh, how they wished they could play,
but as they got used to laying all day,
they just sat there staring at the floor or the screen.

Then one gloomy morning,
without any warning,
the professor of fun came to town.

He yelled from house to house,
"You over here,
you over there,
get up and play,
at least an hour a day!"

All the children were surprised,
to see fun in disguise.

"Oh no!" they all shouted.
The children all routed
and left ever so quickly.

"We're here!" the kids sang out in glee.
"Yippee!"

But where was here?
Why, on a donkey's rear.

Yes, yes, they were living on a donkey's back,
and now they lost track,
on a donkey's little rear,
which made them shed a little tear.

Hope you like it! I made it a year or two ago. 

P.S. I recommend you make the poem one sentence, instead of two. Otherwise, it would be fine. But, hey, who am I to judge? You can figure that out on yourself. 

Pretty good, except some of the words are longer than Dr. Seuss would use like "restrain" and "disguise". I read once that Dr. Seuss wrote a book completely from a list of short "childrens' book" words. Rhymes pretty well though 

Thanks!    Yours is not too bad either. Mine was more of a story poem.

I don't really like it 

And there's no lorax.

It doesn't really sound like Dr. Seuss to me, although I like it. Maybe it's because it's only one stanza.

Also, it made me think of ceiling cat. 

Wickimen wrote:

Going from that thing I wrote earlier, I wrote this stupid rhyming story off the top of my head XD

There's a Noo in my shoe,
I swear that it's true.

There's a Noo in my shoe!
It wants to eat glue.
That silly old Noo.
Oh, what should I do?

The Noo ate lots of glue.
It grew and it grew!
The Noo grew wings (two),
Then away it flew!

The Noo went to the zoo,
I saw it too.
It ate the glue and lion's stew,
That mean Noo!

That mean, mean old Noo,
It shouted "Boo!"
It scared all the tigers and the kids too.
I had to catch it, this I knew.

But the Noo sneezed "Achoo!"
And my foot got stuck on a glob of mucus goo,
And away it ran, that Noo!
Then it flew.

I need help through,
But from who?
Maybe you?
Anyway, that is why I'm late for schoo.

What's a schoo? 

soupoftomato wrote:

brettman98 wrote:

And there's no lorax.

Unless you're trying to cleverly disguise the character as a part of poetry, lorax was not used in every Suess stanza.

It was a joke. But the poetry doesn't sound at all like something Dr. Suess would write.

It doesn't flow :S

ur sister