I realize this is not the the first book on Scratch but it is MY first book. Please don't troll about it. Yes, as you can all see this is a book. It is about a group of teenage students chosen, no, selected to become part of an elite military branch. They think they are chosen for a special education, but that is all about to change. They will be genetically altered, all will have strengths and weaknesses. Please leave reviews, opinions, requests, expectations, and anything of the sort. Here we go.... (i will add major character list later)(I will try and update as often as possible)(by the way, i know the format is wrong, this will be fixed by the end of the book)
===:CHARACTER BIO'S:===
Seth: Medium Height, dark brown hair, skinny, green eyes, a small and slightly crooked nose, small eyes, and a tiny mouth.
Drake: Tall, light brown hair with some blonde, blue eyes, normal sized mouth, eyes, nose, and ears.
Lenny: Short, black hair, skinny, brown eyes, and large eyes, mouth, ears and nose.
=====:Chapter 1:=====
The van doors slid open, as we stepped out i caught a glimpse of a few armed guards. Then my vision went black and realized that this wasn't some fancy, stuck-up, boarding school. I woke up in a small dorm there were 2 other guys there, well kids. They looked about my age 16 the other looked about 14. They were still asleep so i went to the door to find it solid metal only painted to look wood, and it was locked. I looked around the room, it had wall paper all around with a sports equipment design on it and the beds were pretty plain. They had simple blue sheets with a blue comforter. The pillow looked just about as thick as my fore arm. The frame was a simple metal bed, not very comfy but much more comfy than the carpet I was sleeping on. There was a desk with a small lamp on it and a door in the other corner that led to the bathroom and had a sign that said "Men's" on it. Like anyone but us are going to use it.
=====:Chapter 2:=====
The other kids started to wake up, made the same observations I did then we all said "Who are you?" in a chorus. After a brief moment of laughter I gathered myself and said "I'm Drake, who are you two?". The tanner one said "I'm Seth." I studied him, he was slightly shorter, had darker hair, was skinnier, green eyes, a small and slightly crooked nose, small eyes, and a tiny mouth. He looked like some one took an elf and stretched him too far. The one who looked fourteen said after a pause "I'm Lenny." He was short, with black hair, was skinny, had brown eyes, and large eyes, mouth, ears and nose. Then he said and "I know I look young but I'm 16." Me and Seth said "I'm 16 too." in unison. We sat there, mouths wide open, trying to find words but nothing came. Then a loud buzzer went off from somewhere in the room and the doors opened. Two guards came in and escorted us out where two more guards waited. The building was a warehouse, filled with crazy machines. Another guard came up behind us and yelled "MARCH!" The other guards shoved us and we started walking, we went across the overhang to a large room branching off. We walked in and were pushed onto some bunks, they put masks on us all and I tried to yell but I blacked out. We awoke in our rooms in the same spots we were in when we arrived here. I looked around puzzled, just as the others did I felt something on my back and Lenny and Seth gasped. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I had large, black falcon wings. I folded them in and out, it felt natural like I've had them all along. I walked back out and looked at Seth. Seth had somehow ejected metal spikes from all over his body, he looked like a robot porcupine. "DUDE!" I yelled, he just looked at me. Lenny said "Hey guys check this out." I then saw it, he had two extra sets of arms. "Now that is useful! I don't know how my spikes are useful." Seth said. "Well I think we should be careful about this all, you never know what could happen." I said. I looked at the clock, it read 10:00 pm. Suddenly the lights went off. I didn't bother to complain and got in my bed and fell asleep.
They constantly pulled us out of our room and did tests on us, after months these tests we finally got tired of it. While in our room I came up with an idea. "Let's break out of here." Seth was the first to say anything. "How?" Then I told them my plan. "Well did you notice how they don't put any shackles on us when they come to get us? We can use that to our advantage, we will take out the two guards that enter and take their guns. Seth, your metal seems to be bullet proof. We can use you like a shield. Lenny, you'll take on gun and I'll take the other, Seth can have their sidearms. Once we take out the other 2 guards, Lenny will take one more gun and Seth will take the other gun. Lenny will also have two sidearms and Seth and I will take one sidearm each. I saw some vehicles down in the warehouse, You two will take the jeep and I'll break the glass in the rough and fly out. What do you think?" Seth and Lenny said "I'm in." as a chorus. I told them "We'll do it tomorrow."
/////////=TO BE CONTINUED=\\\\\\\\\\\
Last edited by murpho (2011-06-28 08:28:13)

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kayybee wrote:
There's been tons more books written on scratch so I don't know how "FIRST EVER BOOK ON SCRATCH" works out...
He/She means finished, they are obviously going to continue.
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murpho wrote:
kayybee wrote:
There's been tons more books written on scratch so I don't know how "FIRST EVER BOOK ON SCRATCH" works out...
never seen one
I have. Lots.
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It looks okay, but I think it lacks a bit of fluency, and there are a few puncuation mistakes.
On the topic note, I think you can change the title by request or something.

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murpho wrote:
murpho wrote:
well i was unaware and i cant change the title now
anyways that isnt really the point
Well, you can't change the title yourself, but if you hit the report button of your first post on this thread and tell us mods what you want the title to be, we can change the title for you.

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Because of the huge number of teenagers being elite agents/assassins(I've written one myself; the infamous "The Perfect Assassin", on storynetwork), I've decided to point out that a 20-30 year old man would be better suited for this job.
Spies, yes(nobody suspects). Elite agents, no.
Also, stories=/=lolspeak text walls.
Incoming grammar nazi. Please wait for him/her to rant about your bad grammar.
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Yeah, uhh... not the first. There are a bunch of others.
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maxskywalker wrote:
Yeah, uhh... not the first. There are a bunch of others.
We've already established that 9001 times.
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helltank wrote:
Because of the huge number of teenagers being elite agents/assassins(I've written one myself; the infamous "The Perfect Assassin", on storynetwork), I've decided to point out that a 20-30 year old man would be better suited for this job.
Spies, yes(nobody suspects). Elite agents, no.
Also, stories=/=lolspeak text walls.
Incoming grammar nazi. Please wait for him/her to rant about your bad grammar.
im not exactly sure what your talking about. and i didnt use lolspeak

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murpho wrote:
helltank wrote:
Because of the huge number of teenagers being elite agents/assassins(I've written one myself; the infamous "The Perfect Assassin", on storynetwork), I've decided to point out that a 20-30 year old man would be better suited for this job.
Spies, yes(nobody suspects). Elite agents, no.
Also, stories=/=lolspeak text walls.
Incoming grammar nazi. Please wait for him/her to rant about your bad grammar.im not exactly sure what your talking about. and i didnt use lolspeak
Basically, if someone decided to use teenagers as elite agents, "someone" is a stupid moron.
And when I say lolspeak, I mean stuff like "i walk down the hallway and a kid with green eyes and long brown hair look round n say "hey im seth i kno i look yung but im actually 16" then i nod my head and walk again"
That wasn't a real quote, but you get what I mean by lolspeak.
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Rants about grammar are inevitable at this point, and I think the writer realizes that. Either way, you said you want feedback, so I'll just try to put all of this as constructively and ethically as I can.
First of all, you rushed this. If you're writing a "book", I would suggest you to take it seriously. At first, I though you honestly did not know that the first-person I is written capitalized, but at later points you did type it correctly... You should invest at least a bit of your time to spell check your stuff.
Second, punctuation is very important, and I don't think you payed a lot of attention to it. Just to give you a more crucial sentence - "I woke up in a small dorm there were 2 other guys there, well kids" should most likely be "I woke up in a small dorm, 2 other guys were there, well, kids". There were a lot of other mistakes, however, I'm just going to remind you that you should but commas before every "but", "then" etc. Also, you should morph some of the sentences that are not very important with other sentences, e.g., "The pillow looked just about as thick as my fore arm and the frame was a simple metal bed...
Third, stylistical errors. In many sentences you're going on and on about the same topic, as in those sentences about age, or you're basically typing very similar sentences ("...he was slightly shorter, had darker hair, was skinnier, green eyes, a small and slightly crooked nose, small eyes, and a tiny mouth...He was short, with black hair, was skinny, had brown eyes, and large eyes, mouth, ears and nose..."). That kind of stuff makes a story extremely boring - you should think for synonyms or word play in those situations. Another problem is, simply put, every-day wording. In many situations you're writing as if this was a conversation on the street or a weak diary entry, and not a "book" as you put this yourself. And in the points you did include "fancy" words (observations, brief, gathered - just to name a few), it seems rather awkward because you never put much effort in putting these kind of words in other parts of the text. I'm not telling you to mindlessly input huge words that you find on google, I'm just telling you to class up the text a little, thus rephrase such primitive parts like the description of characters in chapter 2, or their dialogue (Lenny said... I said... We said... Noticing the pattern?).
That's all for now, though. You should look into this, but you shouldn't stop writing.
Last edited by Vurb (2011-06-24 08:26:29)
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Vurb wrote:
Rants about grammar are inevitable at this point, and I think the writer realizes that. Either way, you said you want feedback, so I'll just try to put all of this as constructively and ethically as I can.
First of all, you rushed this. If you're writing a "book", I would suggest you to take it seriously. At first, I though you honestly did not know that the first-person I is written capitalized, but at later points you did type it correctly... You should invest at least a bit of your time to spell check your stuff.
Second, punctuation is very important, and I don't think you payed a lot of attention to it. Just to give you a more crucial sentence - "I woke up in a small dorm there were 2 other guys there, well kids" should most likely be "I woke up in a small dorm, 2 other guys were there, well, kids". There were a lot of other mistakes, however, I'm just going to remind you that you should but commas before every "but", "then" etc. Also, you should morph some of the sentences that are not very important with other sentences, e.g., "The pillow looked just about as thick as my fore arm and the frame was a simple metal bed...
Third, stylistical errors. In many sentences you're going on and on about the same topic, as in those sentences about age, or you're basically typing very similar sentences ("...he was slightly shorter, had darker hair, was skinnier, green eyes, a small and slightly crooked nose, small eyes, and a tiny mouth...He was short, with black hair, was skinny, had brown eyes, and large eyes, mouth, ears and nose..."). That kind of stuff makes a story extremely boring - you should think for synonyms or word play in those situations. Another problem is, simply put, every-day wording. In many situations you're writing as if this was a conversation on the street or a weak diary entry, and not a "book" as you put this yourself. And in the points you did include "fancy" words (observations, brief, gathered - just to name a few), it seems rather awkward because you never put much effort in putting these kind of words in other parts of the text. I'm not telling you to mindlessly input huge words that you find on google, I'm just telling you to class up the text a little, thus rephrase such primitive parts like the description of characters in chapter 2, or their dialogue (Lenny said... I said... We said... Noticing the pattern?).
That's all for now, though. You should look into this, but you shouldn't stop writing.
thank you very much

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I jsut realized- MY NAME IS IN THE BOOK
It's the least common one.
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@Vurb-Agreed, but "said" is okay to use as many times as you want since it's invisible. "Asked" too. You can add a few other fancy words, but don't overuse them. Fall back on the solid,"said".
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kayybee wrote:
There's been tons more books written on scratch so I don't know how "FIRST EVER BOOK ON SCRATCH" works out...
out of all the people who could have trolled this thread...
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