Scratch

soupoftomato wrote:

While the fastpaced instructions are fine, the fastpaced backstory is too fast. (it's an infodump)

Okay. 

Amazing. You should join storynetwork 

ProgrammingFreak wrote:

Here is a story I am writing. Please tell me if I am good. 

Hurry. Run to the gate at the end of the street. You should see a piece of paper with words scrawled on it. Please excuse my handwriting, I haven't been doing it long and I was in a hurry.
Now, if you pronounce the words written on the paper aloud, the gate should start to open.

Yes, good. I can here the squeaky noise of it now.
Oh, I've almost forgot, my name is Albert Spike. I am an orphan. My parents died in a car wreck when I was only a baby.
Now I've run away from that wretched orphanage and Mr. Gribble, and I live in this old mansion.

Oh, and you may now put the walkie talkie down and run up the stairs of the mansion. The third door to the left is the one I am in.

Oh hello! I am glad to see that you have made it. I'm sure that, by now, you are anticipating the Orphan Code. Well, I will set you to ease to say that you are to know the code before you leave this place.
But before you could know it, or even understand it, really, I must tell you of the whole story. My life, in fact.
Let me offer you some water as I look out this broken window for mischievous men. Okay, good. No one in site.
Did you get enough water?
Now let me tell you....

What do you think?

I like it, but there is a little too much "telling" and not enough "showing". And the infodump slows down the story. But the writing style is good, like Albert is really telling the story to a close friend. Rather than telling us he lives in the orphanage, you could show it by writing a day of his life. Keep going!

ProgrammingFreak wrote:

Here is a story I am writing. Please tell me if I am good. 

Hurry. Run to the gate at the end of the street. You should see a piece of paper with words scrawled on it. Please excuse my handwriting, I haven't been doing it long and I was in a hurry.
Now, if you pronounce the words written on the paper aloud, the gate should start to open.

Yes, good. I can hear the squeaky noise of it now.
Oh, I've almost forgot, my name is Albert Spike. I am an orphan. My parents died in a car wreck when I was only a baby.
Now I've run away from that wretched orphanage and Mr. Gribble, and I live in this old mansion.

Oh, and you may now put the walkie talkie down and run up the stairs of the mansion. The third door to the left is the one I am in.

Oh hello! I am glad to see that you have made it. I'm sure that, by now, you are anticipating the Orphan Code. Well, I will set you to ease to say that you are to know the code before you leave this place.
But before you could know it, or even understand it, really, I must tell you of the whole story. My life, in fact.
Let me offer you some water as I look out this broken window for mischievous men. Okay, good. No one in sight.
Did you get enough water?
Now let me tell you....

What do you think?

Very nice. I like how it is talking to the reader... that's saying something, I normally despise that kind of writing, but you pulled it off in a way that fits, and it works. Good job! Can't wait to read more.

As you can see I fixed two minor homophone issues.

Last edited by wiimaster (2011-06-06 18:49:21)

Thanks!    I'll be posting a better version later (and more :3 )