Scratch

I've posted this a couple of times, but now I need feedback on what to improve on and whether me and a friend of mine should make this into a book.


One day, Marvin was driving to Boston. Little did he know that his day trip was about to take a turn for the worst. As he approached Boston, he noticed something unusual. He couldn't see a single building. It took him a couple of seconds to notice the immense patch of dense, jet black fog. Just then, his car entered Boston. It was too late. He felt a choking sensation as he was going under the Ted Williams tunnel. So did his parents. Suddenly, the car stopped. Marvin looked in the front seat, and, sure enough, his parents had fallen asleep. He got out of the car, and tried to shake his parents awake. Just then, he noticed something. All of the traffic had stopped. He looked at the cars next to him. All of the drivers were asleep. The clock was at 5:55. Quickly, Marvin turned off the car and jumped out. All of the traffic in the tunnel had come to a standstill. Boston had become a silent, desolate wasteland. So, Marvin opened the emergency door. He felt as if his heart were about to burst. He went up the stairs and emerged on a street. He couldn't see the name, due to the fog. Just then, a hand grabbed his shoulder. Marvin jumped, and nearly broke the person's nose. The person grabbed him, and pinned him to the ground. The person, a boy, got up, and Marvin did the same. "Who are you?" asked Marvin. Just then, the clock struck six. The boy, who looked about fifteen, said, "It has begun. You may be our only hope. Come with me." Marvin agreed, and for a minute, the two walked in silence. Then, the solitude was inturrupted by a rumbling noise. The rumble made the ground vibrate, and the city of Boston looked to be swaying. Then it dawned on Marvin: the apocalypse was real. What he had been told was a bunch of lies. A previously un-noticed surge of energy swept through Marvin. He knew at that moment that he had to do something. He followed the boy. "Where are we going?" he asked. The boy replied, "Central headquarters. There are about twenty other kids, not including us, who didn't pass out. This fog has some strange qualities. Our scientists are analyzing it as we speak. Oh, by the way, I'm Paul. Who are you?" "I'm Marvin. I was heading to Logan Airport when my parents passed out." "Well, this is headquarters! How do you like it?" said Paul. Marvin, impressed, said, "How much does the John Hancock tower cost again?" "Everyone is asleep" "Oh, yeah." Paul led Marvin in, and they took the elevator up. They were greeted by about twenty or so kids, ranging from eight to eighteen years old. There were makeshift observation stations set up all around the glass walls. The building was above the layer of fog, so the view was clear. Just then, the crowd parted to reveal a 14-looking girl.