Scratch

I don't like judging other people's work :]

Good. Personal experience? 

needs a bit of grammatical editing

EmperorEvil wrote:

This is pretty good besides "He realizes he doesn't care about stupid people like the people who hate him, and they continue to taunt him, but he just ignores them." NO. Too predictable. Twist it. Do something cool. No suicides, please! 

Like what?

It could use more descriptive language but it's not too shabby. ^^

I have to go with what EmperorEvil said and that the part of being taunted is just too predictable. Instead of taunting, I think the idea of having Demitri being hard to trust and more easier to blame (in which Demitri has to work at clearing his name and showing how he didn't intentionally hurt his friend Dexter) would make a more interesting plot twist here. 

Ace-Of-Hearts wrote:

I don't like judging other people's work :]

It's really important to judge things... but not in a mean way. Oh well, if judging isn't your thing, I have nothing wrong with it.

icerosethecat wrote:

I wrote:

The next thirty seconds are confusing. At first, I have no idea what this guy is saying. To me, it's just a bunch of garbled fine-print talk. *That's a really good line... keep that." Must be a telemarketer I think. *More detail onto how Demetri feels about this... and give some hints as to what the person on the other end is saying... much, much more interesting* I tell the guy that I'm handing the phone to my mom and I do. She says cheerfully, "Hello? This is Janet Larson."
As the man talks, Mom's face goes blank. Her usual smile fails her. It's like the lightbulb in her mind has short-circuited. She hangs up. *If she was close to the person, she would start crying or something. It might take her a while to calm down and explain. Randomly giving someone a hug is kind of strange if you don't know what the hug is for* She gives me a hug.
"Uh, Mom? What's wrong?" I ask, puzzled. *kind of awkward dialogue. Sounds like she did something MUCH weirder*
"He's..." is all she can manage.
"Yeah?" I press. I'm starting to panic. Something tells me what she's gonna tell me next isn't good.
"He's........dead." Mom whispers. *Who is "He"? Explain who died*
As soon as I hear the words, I laugh. *Again more emotions. And I, for one, would be in a state of stunned shock if someone I knew died*
"He-he...you're kidding, right? He can't be DEAD, the doctor said he was doing fine." *Sounds kind of awkward, like an infodump. Slip it in there more subtly.
"Things happen, Demitri. Sometimes people don't always make it." she replies. *Mom seems emotionless. Even if she didn't know this person very well, she would still be sad. Plus "Sometimes people don't always make it" doesn't make sense. Try, "People don't always make it.*
Suddenly, it dawns on me: This is real. *LOVE THAT*

Overall, really good. What you really want to do is add more detail. To do that, you could add 3 or more sentences between each sentence. Show more emotion. You can reveal a lot more about the characters if you show how they react to something like this. I hope I don't sound too harsh or anything, but this is what I honestly think, and all of these things are FIXABLE.

His mom doesn't cry because she's in shock. I think the reason you all want me to add more details is because you don't really know the whole story (This part is from the second chapter of my rough draft.)

@cheddargirl: Thanks for the idea. I'm gonna use part of it.

Musicstar888 wrote:

icerosethecat wrote:

I wrote:

The next thirty seconds are confusing. At first, I have no idea what this guy is saying. To me, it's just a bunch of garbled fine-print talk. *That's a really good line... keep that." Must be a telemarketer I think. *More detail onto how Demetri feels about this... and give some hints as to what the person on the other end is saying... much, much more interesting* I tell the guy that I'm handing the phone to my mom and I do. She says cheerfully, "Hello? This is Janet Larson."
As the man talks, Mom's face goes blank. Her usual smile fails her. It's like the lightbulb in her mind has short-circuited. She hangs up. *If she was close to the person, she would start crying or something. It might take her a while to calm down and explain. Randomly giving someone a hug is kind of strange if you don't know what the hug is for* She gives me a hug.
"Uh, Mom? What's wrong?" I ask, puzzled. *kind of awkward dialogue. Sounds like she did something MUCH weirder*
"He's..." is all she can manage.
"Yeah?" I press. I'm starting to panic. Something tells me what she's gonna tell me next isn't good.
"He's........dead." Mom whispers. *Who is "He"? Explain who died*
As soon as I hear the words, I laugh. *Again more emotions. And I, for one, would be in a state of stunned shock if someone I knew died*
"He-he...you're kidding, right? He can't be DEAD, the doctor said he was doing fine." *Sounds kind of awkward, like an infodump. Slip it in there more subtly.
"Things happen, Demitri. Sometimes people don't always make it." she replies. *Mom seems emotionless. Even if she didn't know this person very well, she would still be sad. Plus "Sometimes people don't always make it" doesn't make sense. Try, "People don't always make it.*
Suddenly, it dawns on me: This is real. *LOVE THAT*

Overall, really good. What you really want to do is add more detail. To do that, you could add 3 or more sentences between each sentence. Show more emotion. You can reveal a lot more about the characters if you show how they react to something like this. I hope I don't sound too harsh or anything, but this is what I honestly think, and all of these things are FIXABLE.

His mom doesn't cry because she's in shock. I think the reason you all want me to add more details is because you don't really know the whole story (This part is from the second chapter of my rough draft.)

@cheddargirl: Thanks for the idea. I'm gonna use part of it.

I think he means to have them show more emotion, not in the sence that they are more emotional, but make them wear their heart on their sleeve a little.

And, err, was the gainsboro part or the story, or you just telling us what happened?
I honestly can't tell...
Oh wait. Now I can tell that it's not. 
I would put a little more detail in, and make Demitri wear his heart on his sleeve a bit more.

Musicstar888 wrote:

icerosethecat wrote:

I wrote:

The next thirty seconds are confusing. At first, I have no idea what this guy is saying. To me, it's just a bunch of garbled fine-print talk. *That's a really good line... keep that." Must be a telemarketer I think. *More detail onto how Demetri feels about this... and give some hints as to what the person on the other end is saying... much, much more interesting* I tell the guy that I'm handing the phone to my mom and I do. She says cheerfully, "Hello? This is Janet Larson."
As the man talks, Mom's face goes blank. Her usual smile fails her. It's like the lightbulb in her mind has short-circuited. She hangs up. *If she was close to the person, she would start crying or something. It might take her a while to calm down and explain. Randomly giving someone a hug is kind of strange if you don't know what the hug is for* She gives me a hug.
"Uh, Mom? What's wrong?" I ask, puzzled. *kind of awkward dialogue. Sounds like she did something MUCH weirder*
"He's..." is all she can manage.
"Yeah?" I press. I'm starting to panic. Something tells me what she's gonna tell me next isn't good.
"He's........dead." Mom whispers. *Who is "He"? Explain who died*
As soon as I hear the words, I laugh. *Again more emotions. And I, for one, would be in a state of stunned shock if someone I knew died*
"He-he...you're kidding, right? He can't be DEAD, the doctor said he was doing fine." *Sounds kind of awkward, like an infodump. Slip it in there more subtly.
"Things happen, Demitri. Sometimes people don't always make it." she replies. *Mom seems emotionless. Even if she didn't know this person very well, she would still be sad. Plus "Sometimes people don't always make it" doesn't make sense. Try, "People don't always make it.*
Suddenly, it dawns on me: This is real. *LOVE THAT*

Overall, really good. What you really want to do is add more detail. To do that, you could add 3 or more sentences between each sentence. Show more emotion. You can reveal a lot more about the characters if you show how they react to something like this. I hope I don't sound too harsh or anything, but this is what I honestly think, and all of these things are FIXABLE.

His mom doesn't cry because she's in shock. I think the reason you all want me to add more details is because you don't really know the whole story (This part is from the second chapter of my rough draft.)

@cheddargirl: Thanks for the idea. I'm gonna use part of it.

Yeah, plus this isn't the final draft- but it could be more interesting if there are more details, even though there's more to the story than that. And about his mom... she just seemed a bit callous. That's all.

BUT I really, really like it. I would like to see some more of it to see the rest of the story.

soupoftomato wrote:

icerosethecat wrote:

I wrote:

The next thirty seconds are confusing. At first, I have no idea what this guy is saying. To me, it's just a bunch of garbled fine-print talk. *That's a really good line... keep that." Must be a telemarketer I think. *More detail onto how Demetri feels about this... and give some hints as to what the person on the other end is saying... much, much more interesting* I tell the guy that I'm handing the phone to my mom and I do. She says cheerfully, "Hello? This is Janet Larson."
As the man talks, Mom's face goes blank. Her usual smile fails her. It's like the lightbulb in her mind has short-circuited. She hangs up. *If she was close to the person, she would start crying or something. It might take her a while to calm down and explain. Randomly giving someone a hug is kind of strange if you don't know what the hug is for* She gives me a hug.
"Uh, Mom? What's wrong?" I ask, puzzled. *kind of awkward dialogue. Sounds like she did something MUCH weirder*
"He's..." is all she can manage.
"Yeah?" I press. I'm starting to panic. Something tells me what she's gonna tell me next isn't good.
"He's........dead." Mom whispers. *Who is "He"? Explain who died*
As soon as I hear the words, I laugh. *Again more emotions. And I, for one, would be in a state of stunned shock if someone I knew died*
"He-he...you're kidding, right? He can't be DEAD, the doctor said he was doing fine." *Sounds kind of awkward, like an infodump. Slip it in there more subtly.
"Things happen, Demitri. Sometimes people don't always make it." she replies. *Mom seems emotionless. Even if she didn't know this person very well, she would still be sad. Plus "Sometimes people don't always make it" doesn't make sense. Try, "People don't always make it.*
Suddenly, it dawns on me: This is real. *LOVE THAT*

Overall, really good. What you really want to do is add more detail. To do that, you could add 3 or more sentences between each sentence. Show more emotion. You can reveal a lot more about the characters if you show how they react to something like this. I hope I don't sound too harsh or anything, but this is what I honestly think, and all of these things are FIXABLE.

Nooooooo . . .

The whole point of the paragraph/passage/excerpt is the shock that they're in, and not knowing what that person said. Having the "telemarketer" say "I'm sorry he has departed, we will be selling his real estate at noon . . ." doesn't work! It's the point of not knowing that makes the paragraph so interesting.

No, what I meant is show what the supposed "telemarketer" said, and why Demetri suspected it to be a telemarketer. If Demetri was in shock after he learned about this person's death, he wouldn't be in shock before he learns about the death... I just want more HINTS to what these things are. Not complete explanations, but hints so the reader has a chance to figure it out as the story progresses.

You see, there is a right and wrong way to do this.

Wrong way:
"He's coming! There isn't much time!"
1. We don't have a hint as to whether they're preparing a surprise party for this person or if this person is the villan
2.Cliche... how many times do you suppose this was used?

The trick to this is to give away not too much and not too little... confusing, but it makes sense after a while. I'm a writer too, so I should know.

And even when a person is in shock, they have a form of rationale. Not a usual form, but one that thinks about trivial thing. A friend of mine fell off a canoe when he went down the wrong rapids, and he told me his only thoughts were, "Does this mean I'll never finish the Harry Potter series?" Being in shock doesn't mean NO emotion, which was what I got at certain parts in this piece. Plus laughing when you're in shock is overdone. It was good the first ten times it was done. Now we half expect it.

I like the way it made me wonder, but there should have been a bit more information. This is a pretty hard thing to pull off, and this person did it really well, with a few touch ups.

cheddargirl wrote:

It could use more descriptive language but it's not too shabby. ^^

I have to go with what EmperorEvil said and that the part of being taunted is just too predictable. Instead of taunting, I think the idea of having Demitri being hard to trust and more easier to blame (in which Demitri has to work at clearing his name and showing how he didn't intentionally hurt his friend Dexter) would make a more interesting plot twist here. 

I think it would be cool if no one believes him and he goes mad. 

awesome!

cheddargirl wrote:

It could use more descriptive language but it's not too shabby. ^^

this^

edit: wow. i failed. i 4got 2 put "this" (about an hour ago), LOL

Last edited by imnotbob (2011-06-05 11:14:55)