Scratch

werdna123 wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

A piece of writing, off the top of my head 

There I lie, gazing absent-mindedly up at the stars. I was slowly realising that this could be the last time I saw the vast deep-blue blanket of the sky, the last time I had a moment to gather my thoughts, and remember.
It's so quiet; so peaceful. There is nothing here - just me, and fields that stretch for miles around me. There is a cool breeze blowing in off the sea, yet I am so worked-up and twitchy I feel as if I'm roasting in an oven. My fringe is obscuring my eyes, so I automatically flick it away; and warily heave myself up off the fine grass. For a split second, I feel a little lost: but when I work out which direction the sound of the ocean is coming from, I stumble forwards like a robot, lead only by the soothing sound of the sea.
I'm being tipped over the edge of sanity.
It's so awful being weighed down by worry, anxiety, stress. My shoulders are tensed and I'm shaking uncontrollably. Every time a seagull cries out, soaring through the bejeweled skies; I jump - frozen with panic. I clench my fists, hoping that I can get a grip on myself; yet my fears become increasingly irrational. I let out a shrill cry as a wave batters the cliff-face, I nibble my fingernails fearfully, terrified of running into a drunk or a psycho; preying on girls like me out late...
What time is it? I've lost track. I lift up my trembling wrist, and examine my watch. The monotonous ticking is driving me crazy, and my achy eyes won't focus for long enough to tell the time. All I can work out is that it is VERY late.
Why, oh why did they have to be so cruel? No-one understands the pain I am suffering, the pure heartache. I am dying inside - I have no future. My life is no purpose, I am pointless. I will end it all NOW.
It's not like anyone will notice I am gone. My family may feel the odd pang of grief, a slight void in their lives when they peer sadly at family photos. I would be my parent's forgotten daughter, tragically taken from them by Death. They would be upset at first, but time would heal the wounds.
I'm going to do it.
There's no going back.
I edge ever closer to the cliff's edge. The sea air is bracing - it washes over my face and helps clear my mind. My short skirt billows out behind me, and my hair is tangled; manipulated by the wind. I shuffle to the edge, carefully prying the fence posts apart - the fence posts intended to stop suicidal people from jumping.
It's pathetically easy to make it to the VERY edge of the cliff. I lean forward, beads of sweat gathering on my brow. I can see the beach below, changing huts organised in neat red and blue rows. They look like ants from here. I hope I land somewhere discreet, it would be so embarrassing if someone found my mangled body next to an ice-cream kiosk, or somewhere exposed...
Why am I fussing about such trivial matters at a time like this? I'm just delaying everything. Tears pouring down my face, I turn around; careful not to slip over the edge, or let any rock crumble beneath me. I wave in our hotel's general direction, then face the ocean... close my eyes, and pray.
I take one last refreshing gulp of salty sea-air, whisper my final goodbyes. Looking to the sky, I lift one foot from the slippery rock, but am somehow off-balance by the violent sound of crashing waves far below.
I feel half-dead with shock, so I take my chance. I feel faint, as I haven't taken a breath for what seemed an eternity. I'm slipping out of consciousness. But it doesn't matter, it doesnt matter...
So I hurl myself off the cliff.
It's so exhilarating!
It feels like I'm flying, the wind blowing on my face...
But then I realise I am mortal.
I fall.

The ground is near...oh God, what have I done?
There's no second chance.
It's over.
A few feet more...






Silence.



What do you think? 

Edited a bit 

What the... ? Why does your sig say 'sunrise-moon' on it? To confuse people? And sun changed his to ruffle's. Are you just trying to troll people or what?

Sunrise-Moon made it for me 

werdna123 wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

werdna123 wrote:

What the... ? Why does your sig say 'sunrise-moon' on it? To confuse people? And sun changed his to ruffle's. Are you just trying to troll people or what?

Sunrise-Moon made it for me 

Er, but it says 'sunrise-moon' on it. lol

Shhhhhhhh

...So... dark. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. It's awesome, but there are a few typos like its and it's getting mixed up. Common mistake, just check it over. If this were turned into a novel, I would buy it. I would probably see it in the teen's section though, because it isn't whimsical like the average kid's book, and a lot of parents don't like their kids reading about this stuff.

You have potential. Watch out that you don't switch between past and present tense!

icerosethecat wrote:

...So... dark. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. It's awesome, but there are a few typos like its and it's getting mixed up. Common mistake, just check it over. If this were turned into a novel, I would buy it. I would probably see it in the teen's section though, because it isn't whimsical like the average kid's book, and a lot of parents don't like their kids reading about this stuff.

Yeah, I thought I'd got the 'its' right -_-' Dang XD
And thanks! Glad you like it that much - it means a lot ^^

And lol, I wrote a full page in History today >:-D Hehe 

@-iNetMaster-: Thank you! 

@jji7skyline - It's kinda mean to be like that    Thanks!

icerosethecat wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

icerosethecat wrote:

...So... dark. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. It's awesome, but there are a few typos like its and it's getting mixed up. Common mistake, just check it over. If this were turned into a novel, I would buy it. I would probably see it in the teen's section though, because it isn't whimsical like the average kid's book, and a lot of parents don't like their kids reading about this stuff.

Yeah, I thought I'd got the 'its' right -_-' Dang XD
And thanks! Glad you like it that much - it means a lot ^^

And lol, I wrote a full page in History today >:-D Hehe 

@-iNetMaster-: Thank you! 

@jji7skyline - It's kinda mean to be like that    Thanks!

I would like it if you posted it... *hinthint*

Lemme see if I can find it - my blazer pockets are loaded up with bit of paper and stuff XD

icerosethecat wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

icerosethecat wrote:

I would like it if you posted it... *hinthint*

Lemme see if I can find it - my blazer pockets are loaded up with bit of paper and stuff XD

You should see my locker... recycling bin is a more accurate term.

Hehe, same here XD


And... BUMP!

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

A piece of writing, off the top of my head 

There I lie, gazing absent-mindedly up at the stars. I was slowly realising that this could be the last time I saw the vast deep-blue blanket of the sky, the last time I had a moment to gather my thoughts, and remember.
It's so quiet; so peaceful. There is nothing here - just me, and fields that stretch for miles around me. There is a cool breeze blowing in off the sea, yet I am so worked-up and twitchy I feel as if I'm roasting in an oven. My fringe is obscuring my eyes, so I automatically flick it away; and warily heave myself up off the fine grass. For a split second, I feel a little lost: but when I work out which direction the sound of the ocean is coming from, I stumble forwards like a robot, lead only by the soothing sound of the sea.
I'm being tipped over the edge of sanity.
It's so awful being weighed down by worry, anxiety, stress. My shoulders are tensed and I'm shaking uncontrollably. Every time a seagull cries out, soaring through the bejeweled skies; I jump - frozen with panic. I clench my fists, hoping that I can get a grip on myself; yet my fears become increasingly irrational. I let out a shrill cry as a wave batters the cliff-face, I nibble my fingernails fearfully, terrified of running into a drunk or a psycho; preying on girls like me out late...
What time is it? I've lost track. I lift up my trembling wrist, and examine my watch. The monotonous ticking is driving me crazy, and my achy eyes won't focus for long enough to tell the time. All I can work out is that it is VERY late.
Why, oh why did they have to be so cruel? No-one understands the pain I am suffering, the pure heartache. I am dying inside - I have no future. My life is no purpose, I am pointless. I will end it all NOW.
It's not like anyone will notice I am gone. My family may feel the odd pang of grief, a slight void in their lives when they peer sadly at family photos. I would be my parent's forgotten daughter, tragically taken from them by Death. They would be upset at first, but time would heal the wounds.
I'm going to do it.
There's no going back.
I edge ever closer to the cliff's edge. The sea air is bracing - it washes over my face and helps clear my mind. My short skirt billows out behind me, and my hair is tangled; manipulated by the wind. I shuffle to the edge, carefully prying the fence posts apart - the fence posts intended to stop suicidal people from jumping.
It's pathetically easy to make it to the VERY edge of the cliff. I lean forward, beads of sweat gathering on my brow. I can see the beach below, changing huts organised in neat red and blue rows. They look like ants from here. I hope I land somewhere discreet, it would be so embarrassing if someone found my mangled body next to an ice-cream kiosk, or somewhere exposed...
Why am I fussing about such trivial matters at a time like this? I'm just delaying everything. Tears pouring down my face, I turn around; careful not to slip over the edge, or let any rock crumble beneath me. I wave in our hotel's general direction, then face the ocean... close my eyes, and pray.
I take one last refreshing gulp of salty sea-air, whisper my final goodbyes. Looking to the sky, I lift one foot from the slippery rock, but am somehow off-balance by the violent sound of crashing waves far below.
I feel half-dead with shock, so I take my chance. I feel faint, as I haven't taken a breath for what seemed an eternity. I'm slipping out of consciousness. But it doesn't matter, it doesnt matter...
So I hurl myself off the cliff.
It feels like I'm flying, the wind blowing on my face...
The ground is near...oh God...





Silence.



What do you think? 

No offense, but this "Oh God" thing is really starting to tick me off. Otherwise, great story and great use of grammar and words. 

PandaGuy wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

Story goes here/quote]
No offense, but this "Oh God" thing is really starting to tick me off. Otherwise, great story and great use of grammar and words. 

The 'Oh God' part? Many people use that as a sign of resentment, or fear. If you find it offensive, I apologize. It just seemed like the best way to portray the emotions overwhelming the character in question.

And thanks 

sure, i guess

Cool new story!    I like the other one better but that one's pretty good too. I winced at the "limbs crunching" part... o_o

@new: Not the best, but it held me.