Scratch

Can't judge till we have more.

It's pretty good. Not much to say. It seems creepier to me because I have some creepy music on the TV in the background.

ssss wrote:

rdococ wrote:

Why is your signature full of swear words or the character *?
Information: I did not swear. I actually put the character, as I ment to.

As a seperator     And it's *!  Not a swear

Like you wanted to?

Errm what?

Bump!

bump

The characters are so out there you can tell you tried way too hard to make wacky characters, but they blow any fright away with how amazingly strange it is. I only read to the 2nd paragraph, so I only assume it's supposed to be scary.

You misspelled "Satin" every time and I didn't like you using him in the first place.

You told me it would be good.    jk

Last edited by soupoftomato (2011-05-06 21:47:46)

Wickimen wrote:

Nice story, but there's errors--
Edited.

ssss wrote:

Deception:

Chapter 1 - Sarah's Past:
Sarah waited in the stormy night.  It wasn't often that it was this stormy, only when the sky was a murky black colour.  Too many people, this signified a time when you were to stay inside, or Satan will take you.  Not only would he take you, he would breath his fiery breath on you, where you would not burn, but feel the pain of the heat.  Sarah didn't believe the rumours.   She felt that there was no such thing as 'Satan', thus whoever thought of it was stupid.  Sarah was fifteen years old, had a lot of friends - well, at least, that's what her foster parents thought.  In truth, Sarah only had two friends.  One was an emo chic, Sorrow, who was rejected by every student group every time she voiced her opinion.  Her other friend was a boy called Abderus, from a family of Greek lunatics who thought that they were millions of years old.

Sarah was waiting, just waiting in the storm.  No one, not even her friends, were there.  She watched the waterfall plunge down, into the dark depths.  She came here whenever it was such a miserable day, for reasons no one knew.  She wasn't planning on doing anything irrational though.  Just standing there, as if she was waiting for someone to come and meet her.  Staring at the water, she looked at her reflection, not really thinking, just seeing herself as a bland figure.

"Hey Sarah!" A voice called behind her
"What are you doing here?" said another familiar voice.
It was Sorrow and Abderus, looking for Sarah because they couldn't contact her.  They set out looking for her, finding this sorrowful place, with Sarah standing near the edge.   
"Come on, Sarah, let's go home," said Sorrow.
"This place gives me the creeps!" exclaimed Abderus, backing off a little.
"How can you stand it?"
"Don't worry about it, let's just get out of here," replied Sarah as she started to walk away.
As they walked away from the waterfall, a faint laugh could be heard as well as a tiny cry for help.  They looked back and shook it off as a gust of wind.

Chapter 2 - Sweet Revenge:
When they got back to Sarah's house, Sorrow had to leave.  She took the safest path home and Sarah lent her a raincoat.  When Sorrow got back to her house, she noticed that a window was open.  This was odd, because her parents never left the window open at night.  They were always worried about criminals breaking in.  She went to put the key in the door; however it was already ajar ever so slightly.  She eased the door open, and then silently walked all around the house. As she crept around the rooms the only thing missing from her ordinary home, were her parents.   She called Abderus but nobody answered.  She let the phone ring for as long as possible, before hanging up.  She tried to go to sleep, but the curtains were waving in the wind, distracting her from her slumber.
‘Hang on a sec!’ she thought. ‘Why are the curtains moving?  The window isn’t open!’
She looked out the window, just to check. As she looked at the wet, dark street a black cat walked by.  It turned and looked her in the face, and she notices a red flare tinting its left eye, the symbol of Satan.   It beckoned for her to follow it by twitching its head.  She followed it, seemingly entranced.   Sorrow started to feel drowsy and tripped over her own feet.  After the tenth time she tripped, she passed out.  Sorrow woke in a dark and hot place.  It was actually quite nicely decorated.  Yet, standing on the table was a midget, with fake red horns, and had painted himself red from head to toe.   He was holding a trident, made of what was seemingly gold.  She started trying to get up, but was prevented by a remnant of whatever had happened to her earlier. 
The midget man grinned like a wild dog and said “You may be feeling a little woozy.  This is an effect of being too close to my power! If you try and run, or get away in any manner, I will use my power to stop you!”
As he said this, the lights dimmed and the room got damper. 
“If you want to see your parents again bring me Sarah, one of the friends your always talking to! Now go!”
Sorrow fainted.  When she awoke, she was in her bed.  She thought it was all a dream, until she saw the note on the wall:
Bring me Sarah, or face the punishment.

Chapter 3 - Lost ...
Abderus was walking to school.  He met up with Sorrow, and the bell rang as soon as they got to school.  During class Abderus noticed that Sorrow was acting up.  Though she usually went to the library with Sarah, she said she had to keep up her physical exercise, and when she went to the cafeteria she actually ate the food, rather than playing handball with the hotdogs as usual. At the end of her Phys. Ed class she said she felt sick and went home. This was unusual for her because she usually went to the mall or hung out listening to pop music with Sarah after school.  Abderus decided that he would visit Sorrow in the afternoon, to see what was up.  The school bell rang its deafening tone, signifying the end of the school day.  As he walked to Sorrow's house, he noticed a black cat, the same one as Sorrow saw.  He looked away, then looked back, however it was gone by then.  He saw a note fluttering through Sorrow's window, and chased it down the street.  As he caught it, he saw the words bring me Sarah in his mind!  ‘Oh no!’ He thought!  ‘Somebody’s after Sarah!’
He then sprinted to Sarah’s house, only to find that she wasn’t there.  He thought it over thoroughly, and then asked himself where Sarah could be.  The only place he could think of was that creepy place that they found her in last night.   He really didn’t want to go there, but if it meant saving Sarah, it was well worth it!  As he hurried towards the forsaken place, he realised if she wasn’t there, then there was no place on earth that he could think of where she would be.   As he arrived he saw Sorrow and Sarah standing on the edge of the waterfall.
“No!” he shouted.
It was too late, they were both lost in the abyss…

Editors:
Rabbit1131

Could you put your fixes in ReD?

soupoftomato wrote:

The characters are so out there you can tell you tried way too hard to make wacky characters, but they blow any fright away with how amazingly strange it is. I only read to the 2nd paragraph, so I only assume it's supposed to be scary.

You misspelled "Satin" every time and I didn't like you using him in the first place.

You told me it would be good.    jk

Actually, Sarah is a pretty common name.  I have met someone called Sorrow, so her personality was pretty much emo, so i used that in the story.  Abderus is the name of Hercules' friend and the name was just because i needed something to name him 

Deception

Chapter 1:  Sarah's past:
    Sarah waited in the stormy night.  It wasn't often that it was this stormy, only when the sky was a veil of black hiding the stars behind it's curtains.  Too many people, this signified a time when you were to stay inside, or Satan will take you.  Not only would he take you, he would breath his fiery breath on you, where you would not burn, but feel the pain of the heat.  Sarah didn't believe the rumors. She felt that there was no such thing as 'Satan', thus whoever thought of it was stupid  Sarah was 15 , and had a lot of friends, well at least, that's what her foster parents thought. In truth Sarah had two friends.  One was an Emo chick, Sorrow, who was rejected by every student group since the beginning of time. Her other friend was a boy called Abderus, from a family of Greek lunatics who thought that they were millions of years old. Her parents had disappeared a long time ago, she had been sent to an adoption home and was adopted after a year or so. Her current parents were nice people. They lived in a house in the middle of town, but it wasn't really comfortable. It wasn't a neat and tidy home, one that was so clean it didn't feel lived in. And she didn't really feel that happy in it.
    Sarah was waiting, just waiting in the storm.  Nobody, not even her friends were there.  She watched the waterfall plunge down, into the depths of the river.  She came here whenever it was such a miserable day, for reasons nobody knew. She wasn't planning on doing anything irrational though.  Just standing there, as if she was waiting for someone to come and meet her.  Staring at the water, she looked at her reflection, not really thinking, just seeing herself as a bland figure.

"Hey Sarah!" A voice called behind her
"What are you doing here?" said another familiar voice.
It was Sorrow and Abderus, looking for Sarah because they couldn't find her.  They set out looking, finding her sorrowful place, with Sarah standing near the edge.   
"Come on, Sarah, let's go home." Said Sorrow
"This place gives me the creeps!" Exclaimed Abderus, backing off a little.
"How can you stand it?"
"Don't worry about it, let's just get out of here." replied Sarah as she started to walk away.
As they walked away from the waterfall, a faint laugh could be heard as well as a tiny cry for help. They looked back and shook it off as a gust of wind.

Chapter 2: Sweet revenge:
    When they got back to Sarah's house, Sorrow had to leave.  She took the safest path home and Sarah lent her a raincoat.  When Sorrow got back to her house, she noticed that a window was open.  This was odd, because her parents never left the window open at night.  They were always worried about criminals breaking in.  She went to put the key in the door; however it was already ajar ever so slightly.  She eased the door open, and then silently walked all around the house. As she crept around the rooms the only thing missing from her ordinary home, were her parents.   She called Abderus but nobody answered.  She let the phone ring for as long as possible, before hanging up.  She tried to go to sleep, but the curtains were waving in the wind, distracting her from her slumber.
‘Hang on a sec!’ she thought. ‘Why are the curtains moving?  The window isn’t open!’
She looks out the window, just to check. As she looks at the wet, dark street a black cat walks by.  It turns and looks her in the face, and she notices a red flare tinting its left eye, the symbol of Satan.   It beckons for her to follow it by twitching its head.  She follows it, seemingly entranced.   Sorrow starts to feel drowsy and trip over her own feet.  After the tenth time she trips, she passes out.  Sorrow wakes in a dark and hot place.  It was actually quite nicely decorated.  Yet, standing on the table was a midget, with fake red horns and had painted himself red from head to toe.   He was holding a trident, made of what was seemingly gold.  She started trying to get up, but was prevented by a remnant of whatever had happened to her earlier. 
The midget man grinned like a wild dog and said “You may be feeling a little woozy.  This is an effect of being too close to my power! “
“If you try and run, or get away in any manner, I will use my power to stop you!”
As he said this, the lights dimmed and the room got damper. 
“If you want to see your parents again bring me Sarah, one of the friends your always talking to!”
“Now go!”
Sorrow fainted.  When she awoke, she was in her bed.  She thought it was all a dream, until she saw the note on the wall:
Bring me Sarah, or face the punishment.

Chapter 3: Lost …
Abderus was walking to school.  He met up with Sorrow, and the bell rang as soon as they got to school.  During class Abderus noticed that Sorrow was acting up.  When she usually goes to the library with Sarah, she said she had to keep up her physical exercise, when she goes to the cafeteria she actually eats the food, rather than playing handball with the hotdogs as usual. At the end of her phyED class she says she feels sick and goes home. This was unusual for her because she usually went to the mall or hung out listening to pop music with Sarah after school.  Abderus decided that he would visit Sorrow in the afternoon, to see what was up.  The school bell rang its deafening tone, signifying the end of the school day.  As he walked to Sorrows house, he noticed a black cat, the same one as Sorrow saw.  He looked away, then looked back, however it was gone by then.  He saw a note fluttering through Sorrows window, and chased it down the street.  As he caught it, he saw the words bring me Sarah in his mind!  ‘Oh no!’ He thought!  ‘Sorrows going to do something to Sarah!’
He then sprinted to Sarah’s house, only to find that she wasn’t there.  He thought it over thoroughly, and then asked himself where Sarah could be.  The only place he could think of was that creepy place that they found her in last night.   He really didn’t want to go there, but if it meant saving Sarah, it was well worth it!  As he hurried towards the forsaken place, he realised if she wasn’t there, then there was no place on earth that he could think of where she would be.   As he arrived he saw Sorrow and Sarah standing on the edge of the waterfall.
“No!” He shouted.
It was too late, they were both lost in the abyss…


Chapter 4: Abyss
Sarah:
Falling…  Sarah didn’t know how she got to this.  Falling down into the abyss, yet she had avoided it all her life.  What was worst was her best friend was the one who took her here.  Why had she?  She had nothing to gain from it, did she? 
‘I never did anything to hurt her, did I?’ She mused.
Her voice was lost in the thunderous, pounding sound of the water.  As she got closer to abyss, her thoughts got a lot more rapid.  She hoped that Abderus would go get the police, rather than try to save her and Sorrow, as he usually did.  She wondered how Abderus knew what was going to happen.  Had he found something out?  It was too late now, too late to find out the mystery of the waterfall.  She closed her eyes and hoped that her death wouldn’t be painful.
Sorrow:
Sorrow hoped that Sarah would forgive her.  This was the only way she could save her the horror of meeting that little man.  She didn’t want to kill her, but it saved her from the creepiness of that room.  She thought she heard Sarah whisper something, but it was too noisy to tell, the water making its thunderous roar.   Never mind that death would be painful, it would save Sorrow herself the pain of not saving her family.    Her mind went blank as she got into the abyss.
‘Goodbye, sweet world’, she thought.

Chapter 5 - If Death were so simple:
Abderus stared down into the deep abyss.  He wondered if he should go get the police.
‘No’, he thought.  That would only get them killed.  ‘I will go get my mountain climbing gear instead’.  He walked to

My version.