Scratch

The ending wasn't the best if you were aiming for a poem it was great, other than the ending 

I love it.

kimmy123 wrote:

I like it 

[offtopic] whats with the random sig changes?    [/offtopic]

Interesting...it sounds good, the only thing is you seem to have picked a rather puzzling and serious topic which usually requires a variable vocabulary.  Word choice is key in poetry.  Words like 'just' and phrases such as 'I hope not' seem to detract from the serious question asked.  That's just my opinion if you're going for some good poetry.

Nice, rhymes well.

kimmy123 wrote:

somelia wrote:

All messages were posted from my DSi.

Oh, so is that why the comments you posted were "true"?

Could be. I, although highly educated in the area of computers, know next to nothing about tne Nintendo DS.

I might be reading it wrong, but it doesn't seem to steadily flow for me. At the end, it loses its rhyme, then randomly gets it back once or twice. A consistent rhyming pattern is very important to the flow of the piece, so that may be the problem.
It seems like you're trying to flip from long and flowing lines to short, choppy lines that get to the point at the end to express the narrator's emotion toward the odd events that just took place at the end, which may just be your style, but it doesn't sound right when I'm reading it.
Now, I have a very peculiar style myself so my opinion here might not be very helpful.

um..... a jelly sandwich?

rufflebee wrote:

echs wrote:

rufflebee wrote:

I might be reading it wrong, but it doesn't seem to steadily flow for me. At the end, it loses its rhyme, then randomly gets it back once or twice. A consistent rhyming pattern is very important to the flow of the piece, so that may be the problem.
It seems like you're trying to flip from long and flowing lines to short, choppy lines that get to the point at the end to express the narrator's emotion toward the odd events that just took place at the end, which may just be your style, but it doesn't sound right when I'm reading it.
Now, I have a very peculiar style myself so my opinion here might not be very helpful.

grammar :0

Grammar isn't usually as important in poetry. Some poets have distinctive, anti-grammar styles, like one of my favorites: "the lesson of the moth" by Don Marquis. It shouldn't be very important in stories either, but it's usually easier to read a more lengthy piece if it's written "properly." Poems usually intend to convey a stronger emotional feeling, and a lack of grammar can help with that.

dear socks
I think getting banned must have turned you into a superhelpful
and I meant that you used grammar

bbbeb wrote:

echs wrote:

rufflebee wrote:

Grammar isn't usually as important in poetry. Some poets have distinctive, anti-grammar styles, like one of my favorites: "the lesson of the moth" by Don Marquis. It shouldn't be very important in stories either, but it's usually easier to read a more lengthy piece if it's written "properly." Poems usually intend to convey a stronger emotional feeling, and a lack of grammar can help with that.

dear socks
I think getting banned must have turned you into a superhelpful
and I meant that you used grammar

4/24/11 8:27 PM EST
Dear echs,
Shut up, its a good thing.
Thanks, bbbeb

haha you may be right
but I can't start doing it because people will say I'm copying her

As soupoftomato will say about my projects, make it better. Just kidding, good job!

Last edited by guyman55 (2011-04-24 20:34:41)

somelia wrote:

I've become more of a mature author this past year, and I'd like some feedback on my sci-fi story. It's more of a poem, really, but - oh, who cares.
---
As I ate my jelly sandwich,
I abruptly up and choked,
For I suddenly was enveloped
In a blue-ish cloud of smoke.
I began to feel awkward
As I lifted from the ground,
Then suddenly nothing was there
To see, there was no sound.
I cried into the darkness,
"Why? Why must I cease to be?"
I couldn't drop the feeling
That this was the end of me.
I was answered by a groaning
But a light shone in my eyes.
As I began to hide, I heard,
"You know everybody dies."
I glanced up at the speaker,
But he simply was not there.
I looked around the tiny room,
Even on the stairs.
The man was there,
And then was gone.
How on earth?
Was this earth?
If it was...
The end had come.

I. LOVE. IT.
Depressing poems ROCK!
What I like about them is that you feel so happy after them. Like you feel glad to be alive