Scratch

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-02 16:10:23

For some reason I like putting big_smile at the end of all my posts. Anyway, this is what I've written of chapter three of my book [insert title here] so far. I want to know what you think of it.

Mr. Thomson was sitting in a chair, in a library. He was reading the latest Daily Mail newspaper. He never bought his own, as he didn’t want to waste his money. In fact, he’d even worked out how much it would cost him if he bought it every day. He worked it out to be around £250.

He was sitting in the corner of the library, enabling him to see everyone who came in. He noticed someone walking towards him and looked up from his newspaper, putting it down on the table in front of him. It was Alex.

“Hello Alex,” said Mr. Thomson.
“Hi,” replied Alex. “Can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure. What do you want to talk about?”
“You know how we’re learning about William Kidd at the moment?” Alex asked.

Mr. Thomson nodded.

“Well, I think it would be a really good idea to go to Oak Island,” said Alex.

Mr. Thomson laughed.

“The funny thing is,” he said, “I was talking to the Headmaster about that just yesterday.”
“Really?” asked Alex, in disbelief.
“Yes. And he even said that he’d wanted to do something like that for a while.”
“So has it been arranged yet?”
“Not quite yet, but it should be by the end of the month.”

Alex was barely able to contain his excitement.

“Thanks,” he said, grinning.

“No problem,” replied Mr. Thomson.

He picked up his newspaper and began reading it again. Alex turned around and walked out of the library. Outside, Will was waiting for him.

“How did it go?” he asked.
“Perfectly,” replied Alex.
“So we’re going to America?” asked Will, surprised.
“Yes,” Alex replied, almost jumping up and down with excitement.
“So, are you going to tell Joseph?”

Alex thought about that for a moment.

“Not quite yet,” he replied, slowly.

The next day, Alex was in school, once again learning about William Kidd. Joseph was sitting on the opposite side of the classroom, a few seats in front of Will. At the end of the lesson, the Headmaster walked into the room.

“Hello everyone,” he said. “I have an important announcement to make. In a few weeks time, this class will be going on a school trip to America.”

All the students gasped. Expect for Will and Alex, of course. Alex turned to look at Joseph, who was still completely stunned. He looked over to Alex, who was grinning at him.

After the Headmaster had finished speaking, the students were allowed to leave. Alex and Will picked up their books and immediately rushed over to Joseph, to see what he would say. Joseph could still hardly speak.

“You…” he began.
“Impossible, is it?” asked Alex, smugly.

Last edited by Calebxy_Test (2011-04-02 16:10:56)

calebxy · 2011-04-03 03:21:23

Bump

08jackt · 2011-04-03 04:24:51

cool just added to my word document.
cant wait to sell and take credit for this

Last edited by 08jackt (2011-04-03 08:18:46)

rufflebee · 2011-04-03 07:41:11

way too short to be a chapter
in a real book that wouldn't even be two pages

-iNetMaster- · 2011-04-03 07:54:47

I seriously say that you should put all the chapters in one topic. Dunno why, but it's gettin on my nerves

zbugni · 2011-04-03 08:18:45

Wow, I wish I could go on a trip to America! Oh, wait...

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-03 12:54:17

rufflebee wrote:
way too short to be a chapter
in a real book that wouldn't even be two pages

In case you didn't notice, I said that it was chapter 3 "so far."

calebxy · 2011-04-03 15:15:16

-iNetMaster- wrote:
I seriously say that you should put all the chapters in one topic. Dunno why, but it's gettin on my nerves

I did this before with my previous book and no one mentioned anything.

Sunrise-Moon · 2011-04-03 16:18:51

08jackt wrote:
cool just added to my word document.
cant wait to sell and take credit for this

Hey, I already published it. If you take credit for it, I'll have to sue you.

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-03 16:47:02

Sunrise-Moon wrote:
08jackt wrote:
cool just added to my word document.
cant wait to sell and take credit for this
Hey, I already published it. If you take credit for it, I'll have to sue you.

And I'll sue you both!

calebxy · 2011-04-04 03:43:30

Bump

ssss · 2011-04-04 05:55:22

Good, a little short, and may make my own story, only 100% better..

Better go get dressed for Tae-Kwan-doe

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-04 16:47:08

ssss wrote:
Good, a little short, and may make my own story, only 100% better..

Better go get dressed for Tae-Kwan-doe

As I've said before, the chapter isn't finished. That;s why it's short.

calebxy · 2011-04-06 13:04:22

Bump

RobotKitty · 2011-04-06 13:09:11

Maybe add some conjunctions in there. It seems too... choppy?

More like this --
Mr. Thomson was sitting on a chair in the library, reading the latest Daily Mail newspaper.

calebxy · 2011-04-06 13:16:06

RobotKitty wrote:
Maybe add some conjunctions in there. It seems too... choppy?

More like this --
Mr. Thomson was sitting on a chair in the library, reading the latest Daily Mail newspaper.

Good idea, thanks. Though technically that's not a conjunction, it's just a comma. tongue

RobotKitty · 2011-04-06 13:18:41

calebxy wrote:
RobotKitty wrote:
Maybe add some conjunctions in there. It seems too... choppy?

More like this --
Mr. Thomson was sitting on a chair in the library, reading the latest Daily Mail newspaper.
Good idea, thanks. Though technically that's not a conjunction, it's just a comma.

Yeah. Don't be afraid to conjoin sentences and add ands one in a while.

It's quite good otherwise~

calebxy · 2011-04-06 14:41:25

RobotKitty wrote:
calebxy wrote:
RobotKitty wrote:
Maybe add some conjunctions in there. It seems too... choppy?

More like this --
Mr. Thomson was sitting on a chair in the library, reading the latest Daily Mail newspaper.
Good idea, thanks. Though technically that's not a conjunction, it's just a comma.
Yeah. Don't be afraid to conjoin sentences and add ands one in a while.

It's quite good otherwise~

Thanks. smile

cheddargirl · 2011-04-06 14:57:21

I'm going to assume it's not finished yet since it's so short.

Right now I see a lot of dialogue, but very little description. You probably want to be more description in there. Here's an example of what I did with a snippet of your story so far to give an idea of what I mean:

“Hello Alex,” said Mr. Thomson. He noticed Alex shifting his foot slightly, as if anxious to ask for a favor.

“Hi,” replied Alex, slightly nervous. Alex paused for a minute to collect his thoughts, and then built up the courage to find a way to ask Mr. Thompson about a trip to America. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Mr. Thompson shrugged, thinking nothing wrong of a student asking him a questions, so long as the talk wasn't too outlandish. “Sure. What do you want to talk about?”

See how adding a little more description adds some more depth to the story? smile

tomicool · 2011-04-06 15:39:37

Very good English skills. To progress:

*Try and be a little more descriptive. Describe almost everything they say.
*Refrain from using the word 'replied' a lot. You've got to alternate between different talking verbs, otherwise the reader will just get bored and feel unchallenged in the sense that the book is just too predictable.

Otherwise:

*Excellent grammar.
*Nice Syntax.
*Well paced (a little slower would be nice, but I'm guessing that this isn't finished yet, so I won't badger you on that one).

If I were to grade this as they would in UK Secondary Schools, I would probably give this a Level 5.8. Well done. smile

Last edited by tomicool (2011-04-06 15:40:24)

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-06 15:57:43

cheddargirl wrote:
I'm going to assume it's not finished yet since it's so short.

Right now I see a lot of dialogue, but very little description. You probably want to be more description in there. Here's an example of what I did with a snippet of your story so far to give an idea of what I mean:

“Hello Alex,” said Mr. Thomson. He noticed Alex shifting his foot slightly, as if anxious to ask for a favor.

“Hi,” replied Alex, slightly nervous. Alex paused for a minute to collect his thoughts, and then built up the courage to find a way to ask Mr. Thompson about a trip to America. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Mr. Thompson shrugged, thinking nothing wrong of a student asking him a questions, so long as the talk wasn't too outlandish. “Sure. What do you want to talk about?”
See how adding a little more description adds some more depth to the story?

Thanks. As I've said before, I love receiving replies from moderators since they're so long and thought out. smile smile

Last edited by Calebxy_Test (2011-04-06 15:58:56)

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-06 15:59:21

tomicool wrote:
Very good English skills. To progress:
If I were to grade this as they would in UK Secondary Schools, I would probably give this a Level 5.8. Well done.

Is that good?

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-08 12:56:26

bump

Makar · 2011-04-08 13:52:46

Yea yea add more desc. make it interesting kid

Calebxy_Test · 2011-04-08 15:28:24

Makar wrote:
http://cdn2.knowyourmeme.com/i/000/100/ … 1297964274

Yea yea add more desc. make it interesting kid

?

OK.

That was weird.

Scratch

archived forums

#1 2011-04-02 16:10:23

What do you think? :D

#2 2011-04-03 03:21:23

Re: What do you think? :D

#3 2011-04-03 04:24:51

Re: What do you think? :D

#4 2011-04-03 07:41:11

Re: What do you think? :D

#5 2011-04-03 07:54:47

Re: What do you think? :D

#6 2011-04-03 08:18:45

Re: What do you think? :D

#7 2011-04-03 12:54:17

Re: What do you think? :D

rufflebee wrote:

#8 2011-04-03 15:15:16

Re: What do you think? :D

-iNetMaster- wrote:

#9 2011-04-03 16:18:51

Re: What do you think? :D

08jackt wrote:

#10 2011-04-03 16:47:02

Re: What do you think? :D

Sunrise-Moon wrote:

08jackt wrote:

#11 2011-04-04 03:43:30

Re: What do you think? :D

#12 2011-04-04 05:55:22

Re: What do you think? :D

#13 2011-04-04 16:47:08

Re: What do you think? :D

ssss wrote:

#14 2011-04-06 13:04:22

Re: What do you think? :D

#15 2011-04-06 13:09:11

Re: What do you think? :D

#16 2011-04-06 13:16:06

Re: What do you think? :D

RobotKitty wrote:

#17 2011-04-06 13:18:41

Re: What do you think? :D

calebxy wrote:

RobotKitty wrote:

#18 2011-04-06 14:41:25

Re: What do you think? :D

RobotKitty wrote:

calebxy wrote:

RobotKitty wrote:

#19 2011-04-06 14:57:21

Re: What do you think? :D

#20 2011-04-06 15:39:37

Re: What do you think? :D

#21 2011-04-06 15:57:43

Re: What do you think? :D

cheddargirl wrote:

#22 2011-04-06 15:59:21

Re: What do you think? :D

tomicool wrote:

#23 2011-04-08 12:56:26

Re: What do you think? :D

#24 2011-04-08 13:52:46

Re: What do you think? :D

#25 2011-04-08 15:28:24

Re: What do you think? :D

Makar wrote:

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