Scratch

I'm a barber by profession, and I just had the strangest experience I've ever had this week [sic]. It all started with a new business. Well, it started the day before the new business, when I had a premonition involving a schizophrenic ghost with a lisp.

I was in my kitchen, slicing, dicing, and generally mauling some innocent vegetables, when all of the sudden, I heard a voice- "Shaaaaaaveeeee yourseeeeeeeelffffff!" It eerily called. Then, as if it had changed its mind, it said "Nooooooo wait. Don't shaaaaaaaave yourseeeeeeelffffff!"
"Shaaaaaaaveeeee yourseeeeeeelffffff!"
"Don't shaaaaaaaveeee yourseeeeeeelfffff!"
Shaaaaaaaaave yourseeeeeeelffffff!"
"Don't shaaaaaaaaveeeee yourseeeelffffff!"
I rolled my eyes and resumed my dicing. "Make up your mind and leave me in peace!" I called. What's that? Why wasn't I afraid? Well, I've actually been having premonitions like this for years. Decades, in fact. Why just last wee- well, that's another story. So after a few minutes, the ghost stopped arguing with itself and decided on leaving me with a "Well, I guess you're on your own kid. Don't take any wooden nickels."
The very next day, I started a new business "Cal's Cuts for All and Only Those Men Who Don't Shave Themselves". It seemed like every man on earth came in for a shave that day, so, monetarily, I was doing pretty well.
The day after that, I decided I needed a shave, 'cause I looked a bit like this:

But suddenly, I realized something- if I was supposed to shave all and only those men who don't shave themselves, then by shaving myself, I'd be creating a paradox. Congratulating myself on being smart enough to think of that, I began shaving myself, using the bathroom mirror as a guide. Suddenly, a crack opened in the center of the mirror. It branched off into many cracks, until the whole mirror broke. "QUIT IT YOU CRAZY GHOSTS!" I called, thinking it was simply another premonition-ghost. I received no answer.
I looked around for the ghost. Wasn't under the sink. Wasn't in the tap. Wasn't in the drawer where I keep my toothbrush. I slid back the shower curtains. Nope, only thing behind the shower curtains was a human with a dogs head and a carrot for a nose. I closed the curtains, and then, realizing what I had just seen, thrust them open. "How does this relate to my oncoming death?" I asked the human-with-a-dog's-head-and-a-carrot-for-a-nose. "Oncoming death? No, I'm not a premonition-ghost," it said in a sophisticated British accent. "I'm a paradox-ghost! Lot's of people mistake me for a premonition-ghost, why just last wee- well, that's a different story. Anyways, look out the window."
"Why should I listen to you?"
"Look out the window!" it ushered. I looked. It was deserted outside. No humans, no dogs. Well, come to think of it, no houses, either. Or roads. The only thing in site was a purple-and-black spiral that looked a bit like space- if you fall into it, you'll fall forever [not that there's gravity to allow you to fall in space]. Swooning from the height [or feeling of height], I managed to pull my eyes away from the window towards the dog. "This is one crazy premonition!" I said. "I told you," it replied in it's sophisticated british accent. "This isn't a premonition- I'm a paradox-ghost!"
"You bring paradoxes?"
"No, you brought the paradox on by shaving yourself. The only way to escape the paradox is to go into the past and tell yourself not to shave."
"And how do you suppose I'll go about doing that?" I asked. I don't knowwwww..." it responded as it separated into a million tiny spiders. "I'm just a paradoxxxxxx ghossssssst!" The spiders crawled into a mouse hole, and vanished. I decided the only way out of the paradox was, likely going to be...into the purple-and-black-spiral-which-I-will-now-refer-to-as-the-Void. I rushed out of the bathroom, down to the first floor. I stopped and had some tea with a Two-Eyed Cyclops, passed Abraham Lincoln as he cloned his axe, and flew out the front door passing a man declaring, "It's opposite day, meaning it isn't opposite day! Hooray!"
By out the front door, I mean into the Void. Falling into the Void didn't quite feel like falling infinitely through space. It felt a bit more like flying through pudding, or jetpacking on Jupiter, if you know what I mean. I was teleported to the only place that might allow me to stop myself from committing the paradox-
I was in my kitchen, watching myself slicing, dicing, and generally mauling some innocent vegetables, when all of the sudden, I realized this was how to stop myself from committing the paradox- "Shaaaaaaveeeee yourseeeeeeeelffffff!" I eerily called. Then, realizing that would've also resulted in a paradox, I said "Nooooooo wait. Don't shaaaaaaaave yourseeeeeeelffffff!"
"Shaaaaaaaveeeee yourseeeeeeelffffff!"
"Don't shaaaaaaaveeee yourseeeeeeelfffff!"
Shaaaaaaaaave yourseeeeeeelffffff!"
"Don't shaaaaaaaaveeeee yourseeeelffffff!"
The me cutting up the vegetables rolled my [or rather, its] eyes and resumed its dicing. "Make up your mind and leave me in peace!" Me Number 2 called. What's that? I was the "premonition" the entire time? Well, duh. So after a few minutes, I stopped arguing with myself and decided on leaving Me Number 2 with a "Well, I guess you're on your own kid. Don't take any wooden nickels."

etc., etc., etc.
Why, you ask? Because I was bored and Misc. is dead today.
Discussificlarinationifilicalintumptiondumptionslarumptionquadinflumptioncorruption

Last edited by Sunrise-Moon (2011-03-10 23:29:37)