Scratch

THE TALES OF GERTRUDE

The Best Dang Jackwagon Story Ever
Diary of a Jackwagon
THE SEQUEL

    After I escaped from Juvy for the 8th time last week my life pretty much was beserk and full of jackwagon therapists, idiot hobos, and those aggravating policemen.They say im to “unpredictable” for this society. They always get in the way of my funnest hobbies!

My sister has a pet iguana  It’s tongue is too long so I cut it shorter. I told my mom to get me an exotic animal, but all she got me was a spotted dog. I got mad so I ordered a leopard from orderthatleopard.org. When it arrived it attacked my dad. He ended up losing two limbs, broke four bones, and lost his hearing.

I just found cream soda in my pants. Oh yeah... that’s from when I tried to drown my cousin Eugene. 

So lately I’ve been visiting this new therapist to help me with my problems. He said I have to put a bit more effort into solving my anger issues. I don’t know what this jackwagon is talking about. When he told me all about my problems and how I’m ‘different’ I hurled some decorative apples that were in a bowl on a table to my left at him. when he didn’t fall out the window, (that was my intentions) I got so frustrated I threw the whole table at him. That did the job.

Yesterday at school, this kid named Robby (who suffers from no specific disorder he’s just a freak) came up to me and ‘let me know’ i dropped my pencil.  Personally, I think this kid has issues. So, I picked up my pencil, but to his surprise, I stuffed it in his mouth. His face turned red and he began to make these gagging noises. My teacher was all frazzled and concerned. She started screaming and punching his back. My class all started laughing. That was fun. Then she handed my one of these pink slips (that I’m too lazy to read). I have like eighty of those things under my bed next to my stash of these really fattening mini hams that endanger my cholesterol.

So last week these kids came up to my door. I ignored the first doorbell ring. And the next. And the next. Finally, when the little beasts had the nerve to ring my bell a fourth time, I got up and armed myself with a Buzz Light Year action figure armed at the ready. I aproached the door silently on my tip-toes. I opened the door to find all they wanted was money! They interupted my show, ‘Most admired crimanals of the last decade” for this? I was just about to see how that guy escaped from prison! DARN! So much for being prepared..... I let the kids off easy. I don’t even think they had to go to the ER this time!

My mom said I need to control my anger. I got really angry, so I locked her in the our kitchen closet where there is risk of absetos of yu saty there too long . I stuffed bananas under the door for her to eat. They are four weeks old though. I think she’s allergic to bananas as well. Oh well... she got out and said, im drawwing the line here, so she went into the desk and got a perenent black marcker and drew a gaint line down the middle of the house, she explained that i am not alowd to cross that line. I started spitting spit balls at her. One landed in her eye, and caused an infection. She was in the hospital for eighteen weeks.

My brother said the sun is a star. I didn’t believe him so I threw him up in the air so he could check. He hit his head on the ceiling and got a brain tumor. I wonder if it’s purple like mine...

Today i met a kid that is just as sucidal as me, so we went on a rampage of smashing pumpkins on our nighbors lawns, because pumpkins are orange. I hate orange. I want to murder the maker of it. I think this kid named  d

The tongue of the lizard I cut off has been stored in my pocket for a while. So I fed it to my pet leopard Fluffy. Oh, did I mention my brother is suffering from short term memory loss. Well, today he was eating an apple, and I forgot to tell him there was a core in the middle. He started choking, and as I was thinking about helping him, I remembered I had to bury my sisters pet lizard that couldn’t eat because I cut off it’s tongue. It died two days after that incident. I didn’t want her to know, but it’s starting to smell. Its funeral was very barbaric, i just flushed him down the toilet. It was hard to get down so i pushed it down, and then i got mad and threw a lightbulb at my sister for having such a fat lizard. 

was so angry after that, i went over to my nieghbors and just started to chuck gaint bowl of spagetti at there door step. Then i told all the little kids on the street that that was my nieghbors brains smeared across the ground.

My sweater vest had some of the oatmeal that I chucked at the policeman on it. My conclusion was to put it under my moms pillow. She asked me why I did that, so I had to tell her that I thought it would make her less stupid. Then I called her a jackwagon.

I wonder why my lunchbox smells like ham... I hate the number 42. It reminds me of  stupid hippos.

My baby sister thinks that advent is when you add a vent to your house. She’s so stupid... I think i’m going to chuck her out the window.

My mom got so fed up and called our house a ‘zoo’ last night. Okay, so I have alot of pets! So? that’s no reason to say she was giving away all of them! Back to the closet for her.....

I just realized that my mom bought me a roll of toilet paper for Christmas. I never realized that that was my only present. That stupid jackwagon. She’s a idiotic #&*%^@! ^#&@$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This is my pet leopard with my dad:
My dad has some hair growing problems, so when we get him a hair repair kits, he says some words that aren’t in the dictionary... Like *@##$@#$% and &%^&........ yeah...... awkward.....
This is me and my BFFA Prudence:


My boyfriend, Chip, says I look like a dorky jackwagon, but he won’t tell me why he’s still in love with me.... maybe cuz I make his friends jealous......My mom thinks he is too old for me, but he’s only 37! I asked him why he’s not married, and he said if I ask him any more questions he is gonna kill me. I think I should break-up with him, cuz we only had one date watching fireworks..... and eating week-old ham.