Scratch

silverninja wrote:

lolwut

I'm wondering if I'm good at writing or my friends are just trying to be nice -.-

What I'm confused by is if the parents are very protective, why are there matches in your room?  It's pretty well written though.

Kileymeister wrote:

What I'm confused by is if the parents are very protective, why are there matches in your room?  It's pretty well written though.

Thanks :-)
And its in the 2nd person, it's not about me XD
At least I think it's called 2nd person
Well it's one of those stories that says "I" but it's not about the author
Basically the character is living with some relative at the time, and he's weird and uses mainly old stuff. There is no electricity, so there are candles and matches instead. Amish 

Wickimen wrote:

Kileymeister wrote:

What I'm confused by is if the parents are very protective, why are there matches in your room?  It's pretty well written though.

Thanks :-)
And its in the 2nd person, it's not about me XD
At least I think it's called 2nd person
Well it's one of those stories that says "I" but it's not about the author
Basically the character is living with some relative at the time, and he's weird and uses mainly old stuff. There is no electricity, so there are candles and matches instead. Amish 

That's still first person, even if it's not about the author.

1st person is "I" as the main character/narrator.
2nd person is "You" as the main character.
3rd person is "He/She/It/(Noun)" as the main character.

Last edited by Kileymeister (2010-12-19 17:32:13)

Wickimen wrote:

It was dark and cloudy outside [without 'outside', 'dark and cloudy' is describing the moon], but still from my window I could see the moon, a little sliver like a nail clipping. My watch, maybe the only modern thing in the whole of the old house, glowed '11:42 p.m.' in bright green. I couldn’t fall asleep. Generally, I was a rule-follower, and I would have stayed in my room like I should have at night, but it felt so creepy to be the only one awake, and everybody must be out like a light right now [this sentence fragment is redundant because you already said everyone was asleep]. I had been lying in bed since nine o’clock, staring at the ceiling until it grew too dark to see it.I then explored the carved wooden panels of the bed with my fingers. I slipped the sheets down and uncertainly[maybe replace with nervously? lowered my feet until they felt [Maybe add "the"?] cold hardwood floor. I looked around. Wasn’t there a flashlight? No—there was only a half-melted candlestick on my bedside table. There were matches, but I’d never used them before. because my parents were very protective. I’d have to go without light for now.

You're a good writer for your age   

I made some changes though. Suggestions and comments are in green, things you should add are in blue, and things that should be ommited are in red.

Last edited by steppenwulf (2010-12-19 17:54:02)

http://pubit.barnesandnoble.com/pubit_app/bn?t=pi_reg_home
Just self publish an eBook

Wow, this is awesome! A bit too descriptive in some places, but it's still great. Just if this was a whole book with that much description it wouldn't be the best, but since it's probably the beginning of a story you'll want description. Anyway, this is great!

You have good grammar and writing style 

looks good!