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#1 2010-11-17 18:46:50

mooster
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Registered: 2008-11-27
Posts: 1000+

The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

Please tell me what you think. It is now a Series!

http://i54.tinypic.com/2s97ite.gif

Ch. 1-The Brink of Destruction
   I'm not like you. I don't go to school, have friends, dream of getting a nice house, and having a family. I live in a world ruled by technology. The human race is failing. Bodies are scattered everywhere. My name is Steven in case you are wondering. I'm part of the resistance group known as the Black Hearts. Our job is to stop the human race from going on the brink of destruction.

Ch. 2-The Bloody Bull
  Today is my fifteenth birthday. My gift was an Assault Rifle, some ammo, and and image that would haunt me for a long time. I was taking a routine patrol in the remains of an old office building. I had my gun just in case of any conflict. Thankfully there was none. I did find a man though. He was on the floor, a pool of blood around him. He was dead. You might be surprised but that was a common sight around here. The reason it surprised is because he was wearing a Black Hearts uniform. I walked closer to inspect the body and noticed his name plate. It said Jeremy Jackson. My blood was instantly chilled. He was the reason I was on these patrols. He used to do them until he went missing. I still remember that haunting tattoo. It was a bull. The bull was bloodstained do to his wound. In his hand was a one word note. That word was factory.

Ch. 3-Factory
  Normally I don't mind the dark but this time was different. It was that darkness that makes you wonder where you are going, who is watching, and if you are going to survive. That is the darkness I faced in the old abandoned factory once used to produce weapons and ammunition. I heard a noise. "Just a mouse," I said nervously. I heard it again coming closer and closer. My heart was racing. I was scared, truly scared. Suddenly I felt a hand grab my shoulder. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ch. 4-Stacy Brown
  "Calm down," a smooth female voice told me. I asked who she was. She said that her name was Stacy, Stacy Brown. She was wearing a Black Hearts Uniform as well.  I noticed the light machine gun she was holding. "Got any ammo left," I asked. "Nah I'm all out. I still got a few dozen pistol rounds left," Stacy answered with. "Hey I forgot about my flashlight." I said. I took out my emergency flashlight and shined it in front of me. "Hey look a tunnel!"

Ch. 5-Tunnels
  The light was good for the first half of a mile but then it died. That same creepy darkness closed in. At least this time someone was with me. I tripped and fell face first onto the concrete floor.  Stacy called me an idiot. That is understandable since that is probably what I looked like. We walked another two and a half miles when suddenly an alarm went off.

Ch. 6-Close Call
  That alarm was not a good thing. We heard the marching of a squadron of machines. They were coming closer. All too soon they were here. They were 50 well-oiled machines, armed with deadly machine guns. I took out my assault rifle the same time Stacy took out her pistol. We unloaded and reloaded our weapons about a dozen times till only one machine was left. This last one had thicker armor, missiles, and a machine gun. "Great, this will be fun." I said in sarcastic tone. "What should we do?" Stacy wondered. "Grab some ammo from those busted machine's weapons." I told her. Stacy quickly took about a thousand machine gun rounds. We fought long and hard, reloading a dozen more times but finally we won that skirmish. "Let's head back to HQ to resupply. I'm almost out of ammo after that close call." I said. We walked back to HQ both nervous in case of another attack and excited about our victory.

Ch. 7-The News
  Back at HQ we restocked and cleaned our weapons. I decided to take my marksman test that allows me to carry a sniper with me on my back. When I got to the gun range I saw two people. One was my instructor, Dave. The other was Commander Shepard. "Ah Steve, just the man I've been looking for." Shepard told me. "Why sir?" I asked. There is something you need to know about, your father is alive." Shepard replied with. "How? I saw him and the rest of my family get buried under the remains of our house!" I exclaimed. "He dug his way out and is missing somewhere in the Great Rocky Desert." Shepard answered with. Once the commander had left I took my test. I shot better then usual after that because of how anxious I was to find my dad. I passed easily and received my weapon. I then set of to the desert to find Dad.

Ch. 8-14 are incomplete

Book 2: Revival
Not Started

Book 3: Purity
Not Started

Last edited by mooster (2010-11-18 18:32:25)

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#2 2010-11-17 19:06:25

recycle49
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Registered: 2009-12-21
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

Epic! You should so should end it by stealing a steaalth and blowwing the robots up  tongue


"Every challenge must be met, every battle must be won, and every story will end." -Me
Recycle49 December 09 - November 11 Goodbye

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#3 2010-11-17 21:16:47

mooster
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Registered: 2008-11-27
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

It is going to be a Cliff hanger ending for the Sequel, Revival.

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#4 2010-11-18 17:30:17

mooster
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Registered: 2008-11-27
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

updated

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#5 2010-11-19 16:15:04

werdna123
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Registered: 2010-06-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

Amazing book! I can't wait to see the rest!  big_smile  I'm not very good at writing storys but I plan to improve.

Last edited by werdna123 (2010-11-19 16:15:16)

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#6 2010-11-19 16:17:39

RocksAndFire
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Registered: 2010-04-17
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

Make the chapters WWWWWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY Longer my friend  tongue

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#7 2010-11-19 16:19:24

werdna123
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Registered: 2010-06-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

RocksAndFire wrote:

Make the chapters WWWWWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY Longer my friend  tongue

I agree- but it's a good plot.

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#8 2010-11-19 17:16:54

mooster
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-11-27
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

Well it is a short story. I might make the chapters a bit longer in the future.

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#9 2010-11-28 04:17:59

cheezface
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-07
Posts: 20

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

your style is kind of choppy and rushed. you should slow it down and take time to tell detail. like when he first sees the dead guy you don't eplain why the image haunts him; and then he meets this girl and he forget all about the dead body. they fight a battle and then he hears about his father and he forgets all about the girl. Ya' see what I mean?

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#10 2010-11-28 05:40:52

PlayWithFire
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-01-20
Posts: 1000+

Re: The Black Hearts Books, novels filled with action and suspense!

it's not a story really, more like different events taking place, and nothing really connects.  Everything cheezface said above is true.  it ABSOLUTELY NEEDS TO BE SLOWED DOWN AND MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE DESCRIPTIVE.

i guess right now it feels like i'm reading the concept of a story, not an actual story.  all of these events need to be re thought and rewritten through a much larger amount of text with much more description

you have your very basic plot, but it needs ALOT of work.

i hope i haven't discouraged you!  i only say all of this because i'm trying to help you!  If i thought you wouldn't be able to improve then I wouldn't have bothered commenting at all  tongue , but i believe you could make this a great story.


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