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#1 2010-11-09 20:43:05

Scratchthatguys
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-07-16
Posts: 1000+

Langin, my new book.

"This is it!" I think, as I run towards the forest.
"Finally, I get to go camping!" I say, and run alongside my friends.
I stop while I'm ahead of them, and I see a small animal lying on the trail.
"Come on, Jim, Hayley, I see something up ahead!"
I run up to it, and crouch down.
I take out my thermos and pour some water into my cup. I let the animal drink out of it.
"What should we name it?" Hayley asks.
"Yeah, Maxis?"
I think for a moment.
"I'm gonna name it... Langin."
"Langin? That's the weirdest name I've ever heard!" Jim and Hayley chorused.
"Well, look at this!" I said, examining Langin's fur.
I see a small Greek mark in it's fur that reads Langin.
"So it was actually named Langin?" Jim asks, while feeding the animal's cubs.
"I think so. I'm a little shaky on my Greek."
It lay on the floor, curled up in a little ball.
"It's sleeping." I say, while quietly setting up a small cage.
I nudge the cubs into the small little tent, and then they curl up and fall asleep.
Langin pads into the cage, walks around for a moment, sees the food bowl, and sits down.
Not, like, lay down, but sit down.
    `                        `
   ~~                       ~~
~`~`~Langin's Point-Of-View~`~`~
I had just started looking for prey when this huge metal thing rammed me.
I blacked out for a moment.
Then, when I woke up, I was in some kind of room with technology I'd never seen.
There was something to heat food, something to heat water, something to change water into... I don't know what.
So I decided to take a nap, and when I woke up I was in a small trap, with fresh food I'd never seen before, and some clean water.
"Where am I?" I ask, but no one answers me, they just seem puzzled.
"I think she's trying to tell us something" they say to me.
I jump out of the cage, and start running around. It feels so soft, and then again, so hard. I spun around a few times, and then stopped.
I look at a sign, reading 'The Blake Estate'.
"That's where I am?"

Last edited by Scratchthatguys (2010-11-10 07:09:06)

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#2 2010-11-09 20:45:02

scratch_yoshi
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-06-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

Cool story!
What IS Langin, anyway?


Retired from Scratch, but just the language itself. Not the forums.

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#3 2010-11-09 20:48:25

Scratchthatguys
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-07-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

scratch_yoshi wrote:

Cool story!
What IS Langin, anyway?

I don't know yet. I think it's some kind of fox, but maybe, maybe not.

Anyways, I edited.

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#4 2010-11-09 21:25:03

BlazeAstro
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-11-29
Posts: 100+

Re: Langin, my new book.

Make it more descriptive. Describe the surrondings and such. make it feel like your really at the setting and this doesn't look like much of a book

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#5 2010-11-09 21:29:30

rufflebee
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-10-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

There's a difference between a book and a story..
And this starts off with alot of dialogue, which isn't always a very good idea. You might want to explain and describe things more, like the setting, and the way the people are talking.
And I agree with BlazeAstro

Last edited by rufflebee (2010-11-09 21:29:42)


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#6 2010-11-09 21:59:06

TuffGhost
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-06
Posts: 500+

Re: Langin, my new book.

rufflebee wrote:

And this starts off with alot of dialogue, which isn't always a very good idea.

actually that can be an amazing idea have you ever read stephen king that stuff just pulls you in
but yeah some description would be nice


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#7 2010-11-10 07:09:28

Scratchthatguys
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-07-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

Edited! I now added part of it from Langin's point of view.

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#8 2010-11-10 19:24:43

Scratchthatguys
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-07-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

Bump.

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#9 2010-11-10 19:26:26

rufflebee
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-10-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

TuffGhost wrote:

rufflebee wrote:

And this starts off with alot of dialogue, which isn't always a very good idea.

actually that can be an amazing idea have you ever read stephen king that stuff just pulls you in

It can be an amazing idea
And it can be a not so great idea
Depends on the story and whatnot

Last edited by rufflebee (2010-11-10 19:26:50)


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#10 2010-11-10 19:27:56

blazerv82
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-03-20
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

I like this, it's not bad. However, I feel that the first part (not Langin's) was a tad choppy in the eh..."flow" of the conversation. Mostly the descriptive parts.


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#11 2010-11-11 00:28:33

Blade-Edge
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-06-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Langin, my new book.

Why are all your characters named maxis?


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