Scratch

There are some words I don't understand
Amaritesu, for one

Blade-Edge wrote:

There are some words I don't understand
Amaritesu, for one

Google is your friend.

samurai768 wrote:

Blade-Edge wrote:

There are some words I don't understand
Amaritesu, for one

Amaterasu is a character from a game.

Yes, Okami. Great game! 

Im sure i would of liked it if i wasnt to lazy to read it

PW132 wrote:

BlazeAstro wrote:

Im sure i would of liked it if i wasnt to lazy to read it

Just say "TL;DR" and don't try to disguise it.

But it's not too long.

Oh I did google it, but I spelled it wrong

littletonkslover wrote:

Yeah, the poem might not be the best because a lot of it was written in math class XD But anyways, I'd like some critique on what you like and what I could do better. However, I honestly could not care less about whether you like Okami or not, so don't say "Eh, I don't like Okami. It was alright." I need actual feedback, not just "good" or "bad."

(If you're wondering, it's through the voice of the Demon Lord Ninetails and she's talking about Oni Island to Okami Amaterasu.


Hello, how are you?
Amaterasu, god of the sun and sky.
I have something to show,
But it's a surprise, you must know.
Come into my fortress, it's time for the show.
This is my home, this is where I belong.
Just ignore that screaming moaning death song.
Right this way now, don't fall behind
Unless you want a demon crawling up your spine.
Stop your whimpering and whining, it'll only do harm.
Watch out for those tube foxes, because all thousand are armed.
And they'll suck life right out of you, but don't be alarmed.
They'll get stuck in the maze of never-ending pain
But surely the strength you can easily regain.
The halls are delightful, especially the array
of the many spirits who just couldn't stay.
The same also happened, if you wish to know-
to warriors great who tried to slay
A beast so mighty, an evil so great.
It was the reason poor Rao fell to her fate.
Nine tails so wickedly long,
Whose lust for a purpose went terribly wrong.

Ninetails.

it could be better had you divided the poem into stanzas and kept each stanza for specific purpose (to tell one thing)

Another problem was that your rhyming pattern was irregular. It does not sound good unless you have some clear rhyming pattern.

A third problem was the topic- of the poem itself and the lines too. The poem cant be good unless the poem itself and every line has some meaning and purpose.Otherwise, it was a good poem. Contact me for further feedbacks(comment on my projects). hope i helped 

Subh wrote:

littletonkslover wrote:

Yeah, the poem might not be the best because a lot of it was written in math class XD But anyways, I'd like some critique on what you like and what I could do better. However, I honestly could not care less about whether you like Okami or not, so don't say "Eh, I don't like Okami. It was alright." I need actual feedback, not just "good" or "bad."

(If you're wondering, it's through the voice of the Demon Lord Ninetails and she's talking about Oni Island to Okami Amaterasu.


Hello, how are you?
Amaterasu, god of the sun and sky.
I have something to show,
But it's a surprise, you must know.
Come into my fortress, it's time for the show.
This is my home, this is where I belong.
Just ignore that screaming moaning death song.
Right this way now, don't fall behind
Unless you want a demon crawling up your spine.
Stop your whimpering and whining, it'll only do harm.
Watch out for those tube foxes, because all thousand are armed.
And they'll suck life right out of you, but don't be alarmed.
They'll get stuck in the maze of never-ending pain
But surely the strength you can easily regain.
The halls are delightful, especially the array
of the many spirits who just couldn't stay.
The same also happened, if you wish to know-
to warriors great who tried to slay
A beast so mighty, an evil so great.
It was the reason poor Rao fell to her fate.
Nine tails so wickedly long,
Whose lust for a purpose went terribly wrong.

Ninetails.

it could be better had you divided the poem into stanzas and kept each stanza for specific purpose (to tell one thing)

Another problem was that your rhyming pattern was irregular. It does not sound good unless you have some clear rhyming pattern.

A third problem was the topic- of the poem itself and the lines too. The poem cant be good unless the poem itself and every line has some meaning and purpose.Otherwise, it was a good poem. Contact me for further feedbacks(comment on my projects). hope i helped 

Yeah, I have a problem with not separating my writing. Paragraphs often go half a page because I don't know when to stop and start a new one -_-'

Now that you mention it......yeah, it is.    But I kind of had a hard time giving details about Oni Island with so few words.

What do you mean it didn't have purpose? It was just run on and should've been connected to the above fragment. Then I get what you mean, but I did that partially on purpose.


Thanks for the feedback, I guess.

@emilysmiles: How so? I tried my best not to overuse words, because it's a pet peeve of mine too, but I don't see how I overused anything.

floatingmagictree wrote:

I know nothing about poetry, so I can't criticize in this situation.

It sounds pretty cool, i guess

Thanks.


The more I read it the more I hate it though. Typical me.

I was expecting emo from you monks.

nice job.

It's good.

Subh wrote:

littletonkslover wrote:

Subh wrote:

it could be better had you divided the poem into stanzas and kept each stanza for specific purpose (to tell one thing)

Another problem was that your rhyming pattern was irregular. It does not sound good unless you have some clear rhyming pattern.

A third problem was the topic- of the poem itself and the lines too. The poem cant be good unless the poem itself and every line has some meaning and purpose.Otherwise, it was a good poem. Contact me for further feedbacks(comment on my projects). hope i helped 

Yeah, I have a problem with not separating my writing. Paragraphs often go half a page because I don't know when to stop and start a new one -_-'

Now that you mention it......yeah, it is.    But I kind of had a hard time giving details about Oni Island with so few words.

What do you mean it didn't have purpose? It was just run on and should've been connected to the above fragment. Then I get what you mean, but I did that partially on purpose.

What I do is to first choose what to write upon in that stanza and then I take a suitable starting line/lines for that paragraph. Then I try to think of words that would make sense with both what I am writing and would also go well with the rhyming pattern (which is a regular abab or aabb or abcb). This way, I form the lines one at a time and try to go with the flow.

The things you need to do is to Try to have a fixed number of lines in a paragraph (I usually have 4) and a fixed rhyming pattern for each paragraph.

It did not have purpose means that you have written on any random topic. Had it been supplemented with a story (of whose part the poem is) or the poem itself had been a story, it would have been better.

Surely, the poem was lacking in a specific topic, both in the poem itself and the lines.

Hope I helped 

Should I write a sample poem for the same ?? 

P.S. rhyme pattern explanation

abab- Here 1st line rhymes with 3rd and 2nd line matches with fourth.
e.g -
"I travel the world, twice a day,
All the way round.
Still I have nowhere to stay
And have no even a pound."

aabb - Here the 1st line rhymes with the 2nd line and the 3rd line with the 4th.
e.g -
"I have nowhere to go, nothing to do
I know no-one but only you
I know nothing, except to shout
And all I do is to simply wander about"

abcb- Here 1st and 3rd lines have no rhymes but 2nd line rhymes with 4th.
e.g.-
"The dead will rise, once and again
The day will come very soon.
They shall be ruling the entire world
From midnight to noon"

Kay.....We haven't really brushed on poems this or last year yet, but thanks for the criticism. It is kinda supposed to have a topic though...