Scratch

You should add a laser war machine to spice things up

Aidan wrote:

...Pre-Calculus, Period 2...

Umm, you mentioned that the character is 13.  I'm 13, and a grade ahead of what I should be.  And I'm not doing pre-calculus.  I'm an eighth grader.

*calms down, thinks for a moment* sorry 'bout that.  But is he in an advanced school/class?  Might you please explain why he's in Pre-calculus?  Please don't get mad at me of you explained; I tend to only read the first chapter, then critique.  Bad habit.   

Otherwise, chapters too short, a few grammatical mistakes (and I don't just mean sentence fragments.  I use those all of the time) and second-person is unique but confusing.  And yet the plot is compelling!  With a bit of touching up, it could be perfect.   

Hey, don't look at me, I'm miss I'm-gonna-be-a-writer-when-I-grow-up, I've-read-like-a-million-books-on-writing-okay-maybe-just-two, Daughter-of-a-grammar-stickler Bex.  Ignore me.  xD

BEXtraordinary wrote:

Aidan wrote:

...Pre-Calculus, Period 2...

Umm, you mentioned that the character is 13.  I'm 13, and a grade ahead of what I should be.  And I'm not doing pre-calculus.  I'm an eighth grader.

*calms down, thinks for a moment* sorry 'bout that.  But is he in an advanced school/class?  Might you please explain why he's in Pre-calculus?  Please don't get mad at me of you explained; I tend to only read the first chapter, then critique.  Bad habit.   

Otherwise, chapters too short, a few grammatical mistakes (and I don't just mean sentence fragments.  I use those all of the time) and second-person is unique but confusing.  And yet the plot is compelling!  With a bit of touching up, it could be perfect.   

Hey, don't look at me, I'm miss I'm-gonna-be-a-writer-when-I-grow-up, I've-read-like-a-million-books-on-writing-okay-maybe-just-two, Daughter-of-a-grammar-stickler Bex.  Ignore me.  xD

Um, I guess hes in an advanced class. Yeah, the chapters are a bit short, but ah well. XD

And I know it's confusing, and even harder to write. 

FlexiStudio wrote:

It's really well written and the environment is well described, yet subtle.
You may have heard, I'm getting a book called Criminal Society published, and one of the things I constantly struggle to do is describe my environment and not, you know over do it 
Anyway, fantastic job!

Thanks! 

RobotKitty wrote:

Rough draft of my poem for Aidan...

I still need to add music and touch it up a bit.

I have a lot of songs if you need any.

Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, Instumental,Breaking Benjamin, Random Anime Songs....

Aidan wrote:

helltank wrote:

Aidan wrote:

You have an IQ of 120

I have an IQ of 135. Pwnd.

Oh, and nice story. Why would people want to kill him, though?

Well, he has other skills too. 

And really, stop bragging in the forums. 

People want to kill him because... you'll find out. 

@Blade: Well, in MS Word, they're about 1-2 pages each, single spaced.

@Sunrise-Moon: SPOILER ALERT! WILL SPOIL THE ENDING, SERIOUSLY. You get killled at the end. Hey, I warned you. Also, it's a concealable weapon as in a small knife or sumthin.

Actually, it was kind off a "Dude, an IQ of 120 isn't enough to get you a job with the government thing". Besides, I can brag all I want!    Nah, jk.

Good story, but I don't like how it's 2nd person. It's really difficult to read (at least for me)

samurai768 wrote:

Good story, but I don't like how it's 2nd person. It's really difficult to read (at least for me)

its just different

harldy anyone uses 2nd person

BlazeAstro wrote:

samurai768 wrote:

Good story, but I don't like how it's 2nd person. It's really difficult to read (at least for me)

its just different

harldy anyone uses 2nd person

I know, I just don't like how it's in second person, jeez 

Chapter 3 added. Just a short little paragraph reflecting on the incident.

Last edited by Aidan (2010-10-23 21:12:11)

Cool story! I like that it is in second person- I don't think I've ever read a story in 2nd person before. Very clever! Plus, the first couple sentences really caught my attention and made me want to continue.

But... I hate to be jerk, but I have to agree about the 120 thing. I mean, about 9% of the population has an IQ of 120 or higher, so I don't think the government would specifically go after a kid with an IQ of 120 for his "superior brain power." I'm not saying 120 isn't a very respectable IQ. People with that IQ are very smart, but I'm guessing it isn't true that 9% of that kid's middle school are involved in the government. Plus, I don't think 120 would would land a 13 year old in PreCalc (unless, of course, he  worked very hard, but you said he "could do better" and isn't working as hard as he can.) I have some very smart, hard-working friends and they didn't take PreCalc until they were 14 or 15. An IQ of 140 is considered "genius." I would put his IQ at least 140 if I were you.

But that's just a minor detail.    Nice story!

Last edited by scmb1 (2010-10-24 18:31:01)

scmb1 wrote:

Cool story! I like that it is in second person- I don't think I've ever read a story in 2nd person before. Very clever! Plus, the first couple sentences really caught my attention and made me want to continue.

But... I hate to be jerk, but I have to agree about the 120 thing. I mean, about 9% of the population has an IQ of 120 or higher, so I don't think the government would specifically go after a kid with an IQ of 120 for his "superior brain power." I'm not saying 120 isn't a very respectable IQ. People with that IQ are very smart, but I'm guessing it isn't true that 9% of that kid's middle school are involved in the government. Plus, I don't think 120 would would land a 13 year old in PreCalc (unless, of course, he  worked very hard, but you said he "could do better" and isn't working as hard as he can.) I have some very smart, hard-working friends and they didn't take PreCalc until they were 14 or 15. An IQ of 140 is considered "genius." I would put his IQ at least 140 if I were you.

But that's just a minor detail.    Nice story!

Yeah, people have pointed that out. I think I'll change it to 147.