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#1 2010-09-11 09:34:19

DaGamez
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Registered: 2010-04-18
Posts: 1000+

Julius Harper and the Adventure of Sarakin (First 2 chapters)

(Some credit to 08jackt for ideas to improve, thanks!)


Introduction:
Hello, dear reader. My name is Julius. Julius Harper. I am writing this from a school named Vaiten-It's a magical school. Not like those in the books, not like Hogwarts or anything-I'm i an evil school.

Chapter I: Oh No...

"Hey!" My friend, James, says.
I look behind me, and see my friend James, wearing a wizard's hat.Whassup, Jamie?" I ask.
"Nothin' much." he replies.
"I have bad news." I say. "Hetrado says that he's sending some magicians into Middle Earth on an Adventure, to take Sarakin." Sarakin is a castle which opposes us. They're like the god to our inner-demons.
"Sarakin? We're going to fight Sarakin?"
"Fortunately, he says he's only taking half the schoo-"
"Hey, Julius. Come over for a minute." Hetrado said, rushing towards his office. Hetrado's the headmaster, the owner of all Vaiten. Vaiten is actually big, not only a school-It started out as a school, but then we conquered land. Now the half of all Earth is ours, all the outside-We're going to battle Sarakin for Middle Earth, and then everything would be ours. We'd be supreme rulers.
"What-What happened, sir?" I ask, going into his office.
"We're sending all the boys to Sarakin, so you're going. When you get out, tell your friend James to come in, or just tell him yourself and tell some other boy to come in."
"I'm going to Sarakin?" I ask, in dismay.
"Yes." He says in a voice, full of grief. "Make sure not to die, Julius. You're a great magician. One of the best in all Vaiten. You'll be the leader to the battle of Sarakin."
With that I get a little teary, and run out the door. I tell a random kid named Wayne to go with Hetrado.
"James!"
"What-You only call me James when something's ba-"
"They're sending me as leader to Middle Earth and all the boys are coming with us!"
"Wha... Oh no... I don't wanna die..."
"You won't. We'll win Sarakin... Right?"
"Um... Sure, Julius." he replies, and leaves. I could tell he was really sad he was going.

Chapter II: I Screw Everything Up With A Little Powder

"But-"
"I'm not going, Julius." My friend Eleanor Grey tells me. I've been trying to drag her into the battle, but it was no use.
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to die!" She starts crying into a random pillow she takes out of her shoe. I have a confused face, but I just shake it off.
"Fine then. Have it your way. If Sarakin beats us, we're dead." She just starts crying harder, so I feel pity and leave.
"James."
"What-Stop calling me by my name!"
"I'm calling you James now. I'm not having fun. I call you Jamie in happy moments."
"Uh, whatever." He seems pretty mad, but just asks, "Is Eleanor Rigby coming?" Everyone called her Eleanor Rigby after the song by The Beatles.
"Nope, she doesn't want to." I reply, sadly. "Oh yeah, and remind me to investigate how to fit pillows into shoes."
"It's a spell she made up." he says.
"Ah, I see." I say, in a wise voice. That made a small laugh, but then we remembered we might die in a few days. I then hear a voice, in the inside of my head.

'Money...'

I then run out, having a feeling money is there. James follows me, and then something horrible happened. Something urged me to light a match. I lit it. James then falls into a hole. I go see what happened, and by accident drop my match. I then see the disguised gunpowder start burning, and my friend with it.

Last edited by DaGamez (2010-09-11 10:03:10)


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#2 2010-09-11 09:50:31

08jackt
Scratcher
Registered: 2007-09-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: Julius Harper and the Adventure of Sarakin (First 2 chapters)

drags on during conversations. speed 'em up a little.

example:
"Hey!" My friend James exclaims.
"Whassup, Jamie?" I say as I whiz around to face him.
"Well, Nothin' much." He replies smiling. (or what ever the sausage he's doing.)

ect. you're going in to to much detail. notice how less is more, give the reader a chance- they aren't stupid; if someone calls "james" "jamie" it's pretty self explanatory that it's his nickname.

ALSO it's best not to start a scene with speach, unless a description of the setting is given straight afterwards- it can be confusing.

example:
"Hey!" I hear the muffled voice of my friend James shout over the juke box.
I turn around to see him wearing a party hat.
"Wassup Jamie?"

ect.

Last edited by 08jackt (2010-09-11 09:53:22)


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#3 2010-09-11 10:01:03

DaGamez
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Registered: 2010-04-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: Julius Harper and the Adventure of Sarakin (First 2 chapters)

Okay, I'll add those two examples with other stuff, no party hats though xD


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#4 2010-09-11 19:21:28

Ace-Of-Hearts
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Registered: 2010-05-03
Posts: 1000+

Re: Julius Harper and the Adventure of Sarakin (First 2 chapters)

Wait this is 2 chapters? I just scrolled down a bit before reading, then I saw that it was over.


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