Scratch

soupoftomato wrote:

Cool Essay Bro XD

Thanks    Now to write ANOTHER essay -.-

EDIT: I copy and pasted the whole essay out of Word, and forgot to remove my name    Thanks cheddar lol.

Last edited by steppenwulf (2010-08-25 19:02:45)

Suggested edits in red.
     When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing, and friendly environment. The long [maybe insert a comma here since concrete and long are both descriptive adjectives] concrete walking trail that wraps around the entire park is dotted with young trees on the side, and people are regularly seen walking, or [this "or" is unnecessary] jogging, or biking along it. Some will simply find the nearest shady tree and rest, and others will bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, competition fills the air, [<--somewhat unnecessary comma] when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. The sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball take over. [Sort of a fragment; maybe you meant to do that? ]
   
    The playground is the favorite area of the children. Trying with all their might to swing over the top of the swing, running around and playing hide and seek. [<---another fragment] On the jungle gym they play sometimes like monkeys, swinging from bar to bar, going through tunnels, sliding down poles, and screaming. On a hot summer day, all of the laughing and playing would just be replaced by screaming, as they realize how hot the jungle gym is. In the large gazebo nearby, parents enjoy striking up conversations, eating, and relaxing enjoying the calm breeze, all while watching their children. The gazebo sits on higher ground than the rest of the park, and if you are in it at the right time, you can see the entire park, and the sun will illuminate the horizon. It’s an awesome view.
   
    At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The only sights to see will be the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of objects hidden in the darkness.

Overall, really nice job! You use lots of good descriptive words.    You might want to add a bit more of a conclusion at the end; maybe you haven't gotten that far yet.

Anyway, hope that sorta helps!

Edit: Ooh, and you should also work on the intro a little bit. You should create a "hook" (that's what my English teacher calls it  ; it's also called an attention grabber), which is kind of like something that makes the reader really want to continue reading. It can a random, interesting fun fact or an anecdote (short story-ish thing). It can be other things, too, but those are the two that I normally use.

Last edited by m71134 (2010-08-25 19:28:53)

What they said. 

Unfortunately, writing is one of my weak spots, so I can't give many suggestions. But I can proofread it for grammar 

What's the class for? *blargh*

I meant, what's the essay for? What subject?

Last edited by littletonkslover (2010-08-25 19:32:02)

littletonkslover wrote:

What's the class for?

Learning how to write n stoof.

steppenwulf wrote:

Our assignment was to write a descriptive essay about a certain place, so readers who have never been there can know what it looks like and what to expect when they get there. I haven't written very many essays in my life sooooo... Might contain high levels of fail 

Here is the rough draft ---------

[name removed by moderator]
Eng  111F
24/8/2010
                                     

                                          * insert title here* (no title yet xD)
    When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing, and friendly environment. The long concrete walking trail that wraps around the entire park is dotted with young trees on the side, and people are regularly seen walking, or jogging, or biking along it. Some will simply find the nearest shady tree and rest, and others will bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, competition fills the air, when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. The sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball take over.   
   
    The playground is the favorite area of the children. Trying with all their might to swing over the top of the swing, running around and playing hide and seek. On the jungle gym they play sometimes like monkeys, swinging from bar to bar, going through tunnels, sliding down poles, and screaming. On a hot summer day, all of the laughing and playing would just be replaced by screaming, as they realize how hot the jungle gym is. In the large gazebo nearby, parents enjoy striking up conversations, eating, and relaxing enjoying the calm breeze, all while watching their children. The gazebo sits on higher ground than the rest of the park, and if you are in it at the right time, you can see the entire park, and the sun will illuminate the horizon. It’s an awesome view.
   
    At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The only sights to see will be the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of objects hidden in the darkness.

REPLACE THIS OVERUSED WORD!

[make sure to put your real name in this space, steppenwulf]
Eng  111F
24/8/2010
                              A day at the Bert Ferguson Park

    When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing environment. During summer, the crepe myrtles are full of red, pink, or white flowers. The park is large, and has a long, concrete walking trail dotted with young pines and crepe myrtles on the side. A mix of many young, middle aged, and old people are regularly seen walking, jogging, or biking along it. Some will find the nearest shade and rest, and others will lie in the grass and bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, competition fills the air when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. The sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball take over.

    The playground is the favorite area of children trying with all their might to swing over the top of the swing set and run around playing hide and seek. On the jungle gym they swing from bar to bar, go through tunnels, sliding down poles, and scream. On a hot summer day, all of the laughing and playing would just be replaced by screaming, as they realize how hot the jungle gym is. In the large gazebo nearby, parents enjoy striking up conversations, eating, and relaxing enjoying the calm breeze, all while watching their children. The gazebo overlooks the rest of the park, and if you are in it at the right time, you can see the entire park, while the sun illuminates the horizon in the background.

    At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The only sights to see will be the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of objects hidden in the darkness.

Proofreading complete. Sorry if I missed something.

Last edited by ThePCKid (2010-08-25 20:32:43)

Okay, more critique time. 

When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing environment. During summer, the crepe myrtles are full of red, pink, or white flowers.  The park is large, and has a long, concrete walking trail dotted with young pines and crepe myrtles on the side.

Pretty good so far. But we can expand the description a bit more. For example, you can start of with describing the concrete trail; is the trail clean, or cracked? Rough, or smooth? How long is the trail? Does it extend all throughout the park?

Also, "large" is an overused word. Try replacing it with something else (the thesaurus is your friend  )

A mix of many young, middle aged, and old people are regularly seen walking, jogging, or biking along it. Some will find the nearest shade and rest, and others will lie in the grass and bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, competition fills the air when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. The sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball take over.

You say the sounds of children and baseball "take over". But what are they taking over? Are they taking over silence, or taking over the sound of animals in the park, or taking over the usual chatter that goes on between people in the park?

   

At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The only sights to see will be the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of objects hidden in the darkness.

Ah, you used sound to describe the park in the daytime, why not the nighttime? 

Suggested edits in red version 2
     When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing environment. During summer, the crepe myrtles are full of red, pink, or white flowers. [<---This sentence doesn't really flow very well to the next. Maybe you could eliminate it, and change the next sentence to something like: "The park is large, and has a long, concrete walking trail dotted with young pines and colorful crepe myrtles."] The park is large, and has a long, concrete walking trail dotted with young pines and crepe myrtles on the side. ["On the side" isn't really necessary] A mix of many young, middle aged, and old [<---You should probably change that to "elderly people."] people are regularly seen walking, jogging, or biking along it. Some will find the nearest shade and rest, and others will lie in the grass and bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, competition fills the air when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. The sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball take over. [What do you mean by "take over"?]
     The playground is the favorite area of children [Possibly insert "who are" here]trying with all their might to swing over the top of the swing and run around playing hide and seek. [<---The wording of that sentence is a little weird. It makes it sound like the children have to try with all of their might to play hide and seek, and I don't think that's what you meant.] On the jungle gym they swing from bar to bar,[<---I think you should delete that comma and insert "and" here--->] go through tunnels, sliding down poles, [Unnecessary comma] and screaming. On a hot summer day, all of the laughing and playing would [Change "would" to "will" since this is in present tense.]just be replaced by screaming, [Unnecessary comma] as they realize how hot the jungle gym is. In the large gazebo nearby, parents enjoy striking up conversations, eating, relaxing and enjoying the calm breeze, all while watching their children. The gazebo overlooks the rest of the park, and if you are in it at the right time, you can see the entire park, [Unnecessary comma]while sun the sun illuminates the horizon in the background.
   At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The only sights to see will be [Maybe change "will be" to "are]the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of objects hidden in the darkness.

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

Should you really be posting this online? Also is it going to be any longer? I mean that's barely a page, let alone the 5 you probably have to write.

We could only use 350 words. And this was just the first day assignment. I'm about to post the 3rd draft.

The Wulf
Eng 111F
24/8/2010
                                 A day at the Bert Ferguson Park
   
    When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing environment.  The park is very spacious, and has a smooth concrete walking trail dotted with young pines and colorful crepe myrtles that extends throughout the entire park. Many young, middle aged and elderly people are regularly seen walking, jogging, or biking along it. You will also find people lounging in the shade, while others will bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, the sounds of competition fill the air when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. Although during the weekly baseball games, the sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball are the loudest.   
     

    The playground is the favorite area of children trying with all their might to swing over the top of the swing and run around playing hide and seek. On the jungle gym they swing from bar to bar, go through tunnels, sliding down poles, and screaming. On a hot summer day, all of the laughing and playing is replaced by screaming, as they realize how hot the jungle gym is. In the large gazebo nearby, parents enjoy striking up conversations, eating, relaxing and enjoying the calm breeze, all while watching their children. The gazebo overlooks the rest of the park, and if you are in it at the right time, you can see the entire park, while sun the sun illuminates the horizon in the background.     
   

    At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The crickets interrupt the silence of the night. The only sights to see will be the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of distant objects hidden in the darkness.

Last edited by steppenwulf (2010-08-25 23:09:31)

steppenwulf wrote:

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

Should you really be posting this online? Also is it going to be any longer? I mean that's barely a page, let alone the 5 you probably have to write.

We could only use 350 words. And this was just the first day assignment. I'm about to post the 3rd draft.

Post draft :3
Oh wait I have to go to bed right now. Bye!

3rd draft gtg gnight peeps!

The wulf
Eng 111F
24/8/2010
A day at the Bert Ferguson Park
   
    When you come to the Bert Ferguson Park, you can expect a very relaxing environment.  The park is very spacious, and has a smooth concrete walking trail dotted with young pines and colorful crepe myrtles that extends throughout the entire park. Many young, middle aged and elderly people are regularly seen walking, jogging, or biking along it. You will also find people lounging in the shade, while others will bask in the warmth of the sunlight. On weekends, the sounds of competition fill the air when people have friendly duels on the tennis courts and soccer fields. Although during the weekly baseball games, the sounds of baseball coaches yelling instructions to their players, parents cheering their children on, and the crack of baseball bats connecting with the ball are the loudest.   
   

The playground is the favorite area of children trying with all their might to swing over the top of the swing and run around playing hide and seek. On the jungle gym they swing from bar to bar, go through tunnels, sliding down poles, and screaming. On a hot summer day, all of the laughing and playing is replaced by screaming, as they realize how hot the jungle gym is. In the large gazebo nearby, parents enjoy striking up conversations, eating, relaxing and enjoying the calm breeze, all while watching their children. The gazebo overlooks the rest of the park, and if you are in it at the right time, you can see the entire park, while sun the sun illuminates the horizon in the background.     
   

At night, the walking trail is even more relaxing, with the cool night air blowing against your face, and lights guiding you along. The crickets interrupt the silence of the night. The only sights to see will be the light poles, trees swaying with the wind, cars in the distance, and the shadows of distant objects hidden in the darkness.