This is a read-only archive of the old Scratch 1.x Forums.
Try searching the current Scratch discussion forums.

#1 2010-02-26 23:32:09

banana500
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-09-06
Posts: 1000+

Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

This is a story I'm writing about my anthro, Ryoku, and his telekinesis specialty. His abilities are capable of things that evil wants to use to rule the world, and evil stops at nothing to kill him.

I made up the names. I wanted it to be as Japanese-ish as possible for some reason.  big_smile

This story may be unsuitable for kids who can't read violent stuff, but the first chapter doesn't have any violence in it.

I will be updating, posting each chapter as I finish it, and I'll probably post the entire story.

I might be censoring some of the super-violent parts.

Here it is.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter One

The alarm clock rang.

Ryoku woke with a start. He blinked several times and turned toward the clock. Then he slammed his palm on the off button and sat up. He raised his arms to stretch, and then yawned. He wiped his eyes, blinked several times again, and then slipped out of the bed and stood up.

Time for work.

After he brushed his teeth he put on his jacket. When he reached for it, it immediately came into his hands, by itself, as if Ryoku's hand had some kind of magnetic field.

Strange, he thought.

Then his cell phone rang.

He picked it up. "Hello?"

"Ryoku," said the voice on the phone. "Mr. Welch wants to talk to you at work. I don't know why, but he said it in a pretty mad tone. Not how he usually talks."

"Did you think it was suspicious?" replied Ryoku.

"How would I know?" said the voice.

"Well..." said Ryoku. "You know what, I'll talk to you at work. Bye." He hung up and then put his phone back in his pocket. Mad tone? thought Ryoku.

When he got to work, he went to his friend Hioroli. "Hey," said Ryoku tapping his shoulder.

"Oh, hi," said Hioroli.

"Tell me more about this thing," said Ryoku. "Did he tell you anything?"

"He didn't say much," said Hioroli. "Why are you so worked up about this?"

"Because..." said Ryoku. But he never got to finish his sentence, because Mr. Welch walked out of his door and called to Ryoku.

"Ryoku," said Mr. Welch. "Get over here. I want to talk to you."

Ryoku looked around uncertainly.

"Get over here, now."

Ryoku could tell that Mr. Welch was serious, so he just went into the room, just expecting a lecture.

He turned around. "Okay, Mr. Welch, what do you want?"

Mr. Welch's eyes turned red with fury, and almost looked as if they were flames. "I want...you DEAD."

He jumped at Ryoku.

Chapter Two

Mr. Welch clawed at Ryoku's shirt. Ryoku walked backwards and fell to the ground.

Mr. Welch pounced on him. Then Ryoku was able to push him off. Then he turned and saw a clipboard on the desk.

Suddenly he felt a burst of energy.

The clipboard came right to him. He caught it in his hand.

Mr. Welch jumped at Ryoku again. Ryoku whacked Mr. Welch hard in the face with the clipboard, and he fell down.

Mr. Welch got up. His nose was bleeding, pretty bad, but he didn't wipe it away. "Do you want to know why I'm doing this?"

Ryoku lowered the clipboard. "Why the hell are you doing this???"

"You will never know..." said Mr. Welch. "Because you'll be DEAD!!!" Then he jumped at Ryoku.

Hioroli suddenly opened the door. "Holy--" Then he jumped and grabbed Mr. Welch's back. Then he scraped it with his claws as much as he could.

Mr. Welch screamed in pain.

Hioroli flipped him over and then threw him across the room. He crashed out the glass window and fell to the road below, with shards of glass showering down.

"Tell me...that did not just happen," said Ryoku, blinking his eyes several times, to "wake up" as if it was a dream.

"That just happened," said Hioroli. "C'mon. I have a lot to tell you about."

*    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

Hioroli took Ryoku to his cubicle. "Ryoku, this isn't funny, okay? This is serious chizz, and I think it's time you knew."

"Knew what?" said Ryoku. "That I'm going insane and I'm seeing things like Mr. Welch trying to kill me, and you throwing him out the window?"

"No!!!" said Hioroli. "Like I said, this is serious chizz."

Ryoku stared at Hioroli with a look of disbelief. Then he let out a short sarcastic laugh. "Serious chizz? Yeah, what is this 'serious chizz' you're talking about?"

"I'm going to tell you right now!!!" Then Hioroli slapped Ryoku on his arm. "Now listen. You know how suddenly you made that clipboard come to you?"

"Yeah."
"What was that, the Force? No way. This is telekinesis. This is what bad guys want. What you have is a real threat to you. They want you killed, so they can take your power all away." Hioroli took several deep breathes of frustration.

Ryoku just stared at him in a moment of silence. Then he shook his head. "No. Why don't you joke around with this on April Fools, huh?"

Then Hioroli suddenly burst into anger. "IT IS NOT A JOKE. Do you get it? SERIOUS. NO JOKE. I'M NOT KIDDING." Then he held onto Ryoku's shoulder's tightly and shook him. "You have to believe man. I'm serious."

Ryoku still didn't believe Hioroli.

"C'mon," said Hioroli. "We need to go to the facility."

[b]To be continued in Chapter 3/b]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last edited by banana500 (2010-02-26 23:56:21)


http://i.imgur.com/jrCyB2r.gif
'Cause I'm NUMBER ONE.

Offline

 

#2 2010-02-26 23:34:34

tarrasic
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-11-26
Posts: 56

Re: Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

That's really good! ^^

The dialogue is seamless, and is easy to understand. However, I found that the first part had too many "and thens." That's probably just me, though. xD


http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd183/kitten4762/catanimation.gif
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe

Offline

 

#3 2010-02-26 23:36:49

banana500
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-09-06
Posts: 1000+

Re: Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

tarrasic wrote:

That's really good! ^^

The dialogue is seamless, and is easy to understand. However, I found that the first part had too many "and thens." That's probably just me, though. xD

Yeah, I tend to have those errors a lot.

But what I really have to watch out for is changing tense. That's one of my biggest mistakes in writing I have a lot. First I'm present, next thing you know, it's past. XD


http://i.imgur.com/jrCyB2r.gif
'Cause I'm NUMBER ONE.

Offline

 

#4 2010-02-26 23:56:36

banana500
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-09-06
Posts: 1000+

Re: Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

Update: Chapter Two added.


http://i.imgur.com/jrCyB2r.gif
'Cause I'm NUMBER ONE.

Offline

 

#5 2010-02-27 03:37:16

what-the
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-10-04
Posts: 1000+

Re: Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

Nice. I'd like to see where this goes. Although Chapters seem a bit short.


http://imageshack.us/m/64/9034/ddfss.pngMy site
Find someone post count. Click posts under username. Find number of pages. Times that by 40 for min and 60 for max and you have a rough estimate of post count.

Offline

 

#6 2010-02-27 13:09:29

banana500
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-09-06
Posts: 1000+

Re: Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

what-the wrote:

Nice. I'd like to see where this goes. Although Chapters seem a bit short.

Uh huh. Chapters will become longer, especially some dramatic ones.


http://i.imgur.com/jrCyB2r.gif
'Cause I'm NUMBER ONE.

Offline

 

#7 2010-02-27 19:36:06

soupoftomato
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-07-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: Telemind (Story I'm Writing)

Ugh, anthros.

I read the first chapter, I agree with the "and then," problem.


I'm glad to think that the community will always be kind and helpful, the language will always be a fun and easy way to be introduced into programming, the motto will always be: Imagine, Program, Share - Nomolos

Offline

 

Board footer