Scratch

madbunnygal wrote:

"Hey did you here something?" Rarse said

"Yeah. Sounds like singing to me." Coil stated.

"Where from?" Epher said.

"It could be deadly... Look over there!" Amaya said carefully.

"Wait, she looks hurt" Coil said.

"Well, I really dont want to help a strange women who just randomly appears!" Amaya said, slightly annoyed.

Crystal collapsed in a heap in front of them, and started singing.

"Block your ears, she's a siren!" Amaya screamed. The hippocampus turned towards the siren, "Stop it!"

"Give me food." Crystal said eerily.

"Don't listen to her. Here, do you want some food, siren? How are you hurt?" Amaya feeling sympetic of the siren, yet wary.

"No."

"I didn't know sirens where so stupid. Seriously, you will die if you don't."

"No."

"I don't exactly like you, but you are a cryptid. Cryptids are endangered, we need to help each other. So if you don't eat, I will force you two."

"Fine. Don't tell anyone I am making the most of your help. If you do, I will kill you."

"Just. Eat."

Crystal drank her portion of whale soul, and was just about to steal some of the others
whale as well.

"Now, what happened to you?" Rarse asked.

"What happened to me is none of your concern." Crystal exclaimed.

"Did the humans hurt you or something?" Epher asked.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Join us then, to give the humans what they deserve." Coil said proudly.

"No. If I wanted to erase the human race, I will do it by myself." Crystal said.

"Really, they are strong creatures" Rarse exclaimed

"Don't underestimate me selkie, I am capable to look after myself. I'm leaving."

"Wait! Are you sure?" Epher asked.

"I can make my own decision." and with that she turned around and ran into the forest of kelp.


Is this better?

I changed what Amaya said. It also meeds a lot more description. We don't know what Crystal looks like. 0.o or how the scene looks.

I don't know. Umm I think I will have to add some more bits in. Maybe one of the other's could swap parts?

destructo-serpent wrote:

madbunnygal wrote:

"Hey did you here something?" Rarse said

"Yeah. Sounds like singing to me." Coil stated.

"Where from?" Epher said.

"Its a siren!" Amaya screamed!

"Wait, she looks hurt" Coil said.

"Well I'm not helping her, she could kill us." Amaya screamed.

Crystal collapsed in a heap in front of them, and started singing.

"Block your ears! Oh no. Wake up! Its an illusion!!" Amaya screamed.

"Give me food" Crystal said eerily.

"Don't listen to her! Wait the illusion stopped. You must be nearly dead! I can't let a cryptid die no matter what species they are. Here, have some whale, while I mix some herbs up for you." Amaya realised.

"No"

"You'll die if you don't!"

"No"

"you always this stubborn? Eat. Now."

"Fine. Don't tell anyone I am making the most of your help. If you do, I will kill you."

"Alright, alright. Eat."

Crystal drank her portion of whale soul, and was just about to steal some of the others whale as well!

"Now, what happened to you?" Rarse asked.

"What happened to me is none of your concern." Crystal exclaimed.

"Did the humans hurt you or something?" Epher asked.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Join us then, to give the humans what they deserve." Coil said proudly.

"No. If I wanted to erase the human race, I will do it by myself." Crystal said.

"Really, they are strong creatures" Rarse exclaimed

"Don't underestimate me serpent. I am capable to look after myself. I'm leaving."

"Wait! Are you sure?" Epher asked.

"I can make my own decision." and with that she turned around and ran into the forest.


Is this better?

this doesn't sound like anything Coil would say, but i can't think of anything to change is to. 

both the things coil says sound like Epher 

Nomolos wrote:

^^It's good, but missing a lot of description, and you got the character's personalities wrong.

true. Coil sounds sympathetic and friendly D:

destructo-serpent wrote:

Nomolos wrote:

^^It's good, but missing a lot of description, and you got the character's personalities wrong.

true. Coil sounds sympathetic and friendly D:

  When Coil sounds sympathetic and friendly, the world will end.

Coil

loyal, intelligent, not very nice to people that bug him. happy to talk as little as possible and let everyone else make the decisions as long as they're not the wrong ones.

destructo-serpent wrote:

destructo-serpent wrote:

madbunnygal wrote:

"Hey did you here something?" Rarse said

"Yeah. Sounds like singing to me." Coil stated.

"Where from?" Epher said.

"Its a siren!" Amaya screamed!
"She looks hurt." Coil said indifferently.

"Well I'm not helping her, she could kill us." Amaya screamed.

Crystal collapsed in a heap in front of them, and started singing.

"Block your ears! Oh no. Wake up! Its an illusion!!" Amaya screamed.

"Give me food" Crystal said eerily.

"Don't listen to her! Wait the illusion stopped. You must be nearly dead! I can't let a cryptid die no matter what species they are. Here, have some whale, while I mix some herbs up for you." Amaya realised.

"No"

"You'll die if you don't!"

"No"

"you always this stubborn? Eat. Now."

"Fine. Don't tell anyone I am making the most of your help. If you do, I will kill you."

"Alright, alright. Eat."

Crystal drank her portion of whale soul, and was just about to steal some of the others whale as well!

"Now, what happened to you?" Rarse asked.

"What happened to me is none of your concern." Crystal exclaimed.

"Did the humans hurt you or something?" Epher asked.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Join us then, to give the humans what they deserve." Coil said proudly.

"No. If I wanted to erase the human race, I will do it by myself." Crystal said.

"Really, they are strong creatures" Rarse exclaimed

"Don't underestimate me, merman. I am capable to look after myself. I'm leaving."

"Wait! Are you sure?" Epher asked.

"I can make my own decision." and with that she turned around and ran into the forest.


Is this better?

this doesn't sound like anything Coil would say, but i can't think of anything to change is to. 

both the things coil says sound like Epher 

the thing in red i think Epher should say.

ShadowOfArt wrote:

madbunnygal wrote:

I don't know. Umm I think I will have to add some more bits in. Maybe one of the other's could swap parts?

No, ydont need to add more occonversation, you need to add more description. Also, shr needs to join, o3o

Ok I will add more ^^

madbunnygal wrote:

"Hey did you here something?" Rarse said

"Yeah. Sounds like singing to me." Coil stated.

"Where from?" Epher said.

"Its a siren! Wait, she looks hurt" Amaya screamed!


Crystal was slowly swimming across the sand towards them brushing past the corals. She attempted to catch a fish, but the fish was ten times faster than her, the way she was. Her feathers and blue eyes seemed dull, and the crystal drops hanging from her head were jingling. She tried to swim to the top of the ocean, but sank the moment she tried. She realised that there was some easier prey to catch, and made her way towards the whale meat.

"Well I'm not helping her, she could try to kill us." Coil said.

Crystal collapsed in a heap in front of them, and started singing.

"Block your ears! Oh no. Wake up! Its an illusion!!" Amaya screamed.

"Give me food" Crystal said eerily.

"Don't listen to her! Wait the illusion stopped. You must be really sick! Here, have some whale, while I mix some herbs up for you." Amaya said

"No"

"Are you always this stubborn? Eat. Now."

"Fine. Don't tell anyone I am making the most of your help. If you do, I will kill you."

"Alright, alright. Eat."

Crystal drank her portion of whale soul, and was just about to steal some of the others whale as well! Already she was looking better, no longer slumped on the seabeds. Her attitude had clearly made its way back to her.

"Now, what happened to you?" Rarse asked.

"What happened to me is none of your concern." Crystal exclaimed.

"Did the humans hurt you or something?" Coil asked.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Join us then, to give the humans what they deserve." Epher said proudly.

"No. If I wanted to erase the human race, I will do it by myself." Crystal said.

"Really, they are strong creatures" Rarse exclaimed

"Don't underestimate me Rarse. I am capable to look after myself. I'm leaving."

"Wait! Are you sure?" Epher asked.

"I can make my own decision." and with that she turned around and swam into the reef, then quickly whipped around and said "I'll join!"

since when does she know the're names?

they're probably going to think she's planning something if she joins like that.

Last edited by destructo-serpent (2013-03-24 22:56:42)

Nomolos wrote:

madbunnygal wrote:

"Huh?" Rarse whipped around, looking at the kelp forest behind him. "Did you guys hear something?"

"Yeah. Sounds like singing to me." Coil stated.

"Where from?" Epher said.

"Its a siren! Wait, she looks hurt" Amaya screamed!

Crystal was slowly swimming across the sand towards them brushing past the corals. She attempted to catch a fish, but the fish was ten times faster than her, the way she was. Her feathers and blue eyes seemed dull, and the crystal drops hanging from her head were jingling. She tried to swim to the top of the ocean, but sank the moment she tried. She realized that there was some easier prey to catch, and made her way towards the whale meat.

"Well I'm not helping her, she might try to steal our whale." Coil said.

Crystal collapsed in a heap in front of them, and started singing.

"Block your ears! Oh no. Wake up! Its an illusion!!" Amaya screamed.

"Give me food" Crystal said eerily.

"Don't listen to her! Wait the illusion stopped. You must be really sick! Here, have some whale, while I mix some herbs up for you." Amaya said

"No"

"Are you always this stubborn? Eat. Now."

"Fine. Don't tell anyone I am making the most of your help. If you do, I will kill you."

"Alright, alright. Eat."

Crystal drank her portion of whale soul, and was just about to steal some of the others whale as well! Already she was looking better, no longer slumped on the seabeds. Her attitude had clearly made its way back to her.

"What are you doing here, and what happened to you?" Rarse asked.

"What happened to me is none of your concern." Crystal exclaimed.

"Did the humans hurt you or something?" Coil asked indifferently.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Join us then, to give the humans what they deserve." Epher said proudly.

"No. If I wanted to erase the human race, I will do it by myself." Crystal said.

"I totally bet you can, you definitely look the part," Rarse said sarcastically, eyeing Crystal's ripped clothes.

"Don't underestimate me merman, I am capable to look after myself. I'm leaving."

"Wait! Are you sure?" Epher asked.

"I can make my own decision." and with that she turned around and swam into the reef, then quickly whipped around and said "I'll join!"

Changed what Rarse said.

cool 
changed what Coil said.

Last edited by destructo-serpent (2013-03-24 23:18:25)

madbunnygal wrote:

Ok can you give me the personalities of each cryptid?

1. Your part is taking for to long for such a short section.
2. You make Crystal sound overally powerful and dangerous.
3. We have firetruckong charecter sheets that detail our charecters, that was the point. So we would know how each others charecters act.
4. You make our charecters sound helpless... And out of charecter.
5. Your part is just talking, no description. Except for the end, which you keep making it sound like it could be a forest.
6. She doesn't even join them. That is the main point.

Sorry if I seem blunt, but you don't seem to understand me trying to subtly tell you this.

destructo-serpent wrote:

Nomolos wrote:

madbunnygal wrote:

"Huh?" Rarse whipped around, looking at the kelp forest behind him. "Did you guys hear something?"

"Yeah. Sounds like singing to me." Coil stated.

"Where from?" Epher said.

"Its a siren! Wait, she looks hurt" Amaya screamed!

Crystal was slowly swimming across the sand towards them brushing past the corals. She attempted to catch a fish, but the fish was ten times faster than her, the way she was. Her feathers and blue eyes seemed dull, and the crystal drops hanging from her head were jingling. She tried to swim to the top of the ocean, but sank the moment she tried. She realized that there was some easier prey to catch, and made her way towards the whale meat.

"Well I'm not helping her, she might try to steal our whale." Coil said.

Crystal collapsed in a heap in front of them, and started singing.

"Block your ears! Oh no. Wake up! Its an illusion!!" Amaya screamed.

"Give me food" Crystal said eerily.

"Don't listen to her! Wait the illusion stopped. You must be really sick! Here, have some whale, while I mix some herbs up for you." Amaya said

"No"

"Are you always this stubborn? Eat. Now."

"Fine. Don't tell anyone I am making the most of your help. If you do, I will kill you."

"Alright, alright. Eat."

Crystal drank her portion of whale soul, and was just about to steal some of the others whale as well! Already she was looking better, no longer slumped on the seabeds. Her attitude had clearly made its way back to her.

"What are you doing here, and what happened to you?" Rarse asked.

"What happened to me is none of your concern." Crystal exclaimed.

"Did the humans hurt you or something?" Coil asked indifferently.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Join us then, to give the humans what they deserve." Epher said proudly.

"No. If I wanted to erase the human race, I will do it by myself." Crystal said.

"I totally bet you can, you definitely look the part," Rarse said sarcastically, eyeing Crystal's ripped clothes.

"Don't underestimate me merman, I am capable to look after myself. I'm leaving."

"Wait! Are you sure?" Epher asked.

"I can make my own decision." and with that she turned around and swam into the reef, then quickly whipped around and said "I'll join!"

Changed what Rarse said.

cool 
changed what Coil said.

Is this alright?