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Ok, Im going to bed. See you tomorow afternoon. Please wait to make the banner until I get on :3 Good night!

Waffle27 wrote:

Ok, Im going to bed. See you tomorow afternoon. Please wait to make the banner until I get on :3 Good night!

being extra-careful about not missing anything now, are you?

Is this good? I still need to edit, but otherwise, is it done?

Part 1

The new mother gazed down at her filly. She was floating near her mother's tail, sleeping peacefully. The mother sighed. Little Amaya's father had disappeared after she announced that they would soon be parents. This made her life extremely difficult, as avoiding humans while carrying around a large pearl egg in hooves is not an easy task.

Most Hippocampi would create a nest, and leave their egg there until it hatched. The problem with this family is that they were far out into sea, and baby Hippocampi need to hatch in warm, shallow water.

At least Amaya was safe. Her dark brown fur melded into brown scales, which turned to a iridescent blue, and finally, to white. Her tail fin was a blinding white, with silver stripes. Tis worried the mother, as white attracted the eye, and Amaya needed to be able to hide.

Cryptids were hunted by the dreaded humans... If they caught her... Who knows what they would do.

As if to answer this question, the sound of divers swimming through the water caught her attention. The mother awoke Amaya, "Amaya, Amaya, go, quickly, through the escape! Don't come back, they'll catch you. Find other Cryptids!"

Amaya's were opened wide, her blue eyes showing confusion and fear. The mother nuzzled her child, and gently said, "I will always love you. Ths means you must go, the humans are coming here."

The little filly seemed to understand her mother was protecting her form danger, no matter how heartbreaking it caused both of them. Amaya swam towards the small hole in the cave wall, the opposite direction of the humans. She wriggled through the hole, and broke free into the sea.

Above her she could see the night sky. She continued further into the sea, keeping her mothers word in her head.

"Escape. Don't come back. Find other Cryptids. I will always love you."

Amaya swam through the waters for waht seemed like hours. She used her tail find most of the time, and used her hooves for changing direction.

Hours grew into days, days to weeks, weeks to months. She had been relying on the sympathy of ocean life to eat and find temporary shelter from predators. It had been three years since her mother's capture, since her life turned into chaos and... And a mess. Three years was a long time for a hippocampus, infact, she would be considered an adult.

Amaya kept moving on though, she had to find others.

Eventually, the Cryptid felt the water grow colder then ever before, yet, she seemed safer. She tentatively edged forward, and suddenly felt herself sucked into a strong, warm current. She tried to fight the raging water, but she crashed into a large red and grey stone, and blacked out.

Amaya opened her eyes, slowly, and looked around. Everything was... Distorted. Blurry. Slowly everything became clearer. Suddenly, she blinked, she had to be dreaming.

Less than five minutes swimming away, were other Cryptids.

She_Is_Of_Dream wrote:

how is it? what should i change? what should be deleted? is it too fast-paced? not descriptive enough? any constructive critiscim?

Do you want me to edit it? Mostly, it's grammar errors, otherwise, I like it.

I don't understand anything we are doing!!
   ^^

madbunnygal wrote:

She_Is_Of_Dream wrote:

how is it? what should i change? what should be deleted? is it too fast-paced? not descriptive enough? any constructive critiscim?

Do you want me to edit it? Mostly, it's grammar errors, otherwise, I like it.

I don't understand anything we are doing!!
   ^^

this is the prolouge. you write about the history of your character. oh, you still need to make a character 

Well, they could be exploring to find a new home, where they will be safe. Where they will never have to worry again. Where other crypt ids could live iwht them.

?

In my prologue its vague, it just says "other cryptids." xD

ShadowOfArt wrote:

Well, they could be exploring to find a new home, where they will be safe. Where they will never have to worry again. Where other crypt ids could live iwht them.

?

In my prologue its vague, it just says "other cryptids." xD

    but what if Amaya just comes across one cryptid? what then?

Also, destructo, I dont get why training could give Spear an excuse to steel the throne? o3o

destructo-serpent wrote:

ShadowOfArt wrote:

-

i like it. let's wait for Waffle's opinion. we have half the prologue:) !!

Thanks ^^

waffle should have his/her part of the prologue sometime today, but then we have madbunny, who doesn't have a character yet 
i'm going to look up some sea cryptids she might like.
if i can't find any, she cold possibly be Amaya's sister....?

Last edited by destructo-serpent (2013-03-19 12:54:53)

destructo-serpent wrote:

waffle should have his/her part of the prologue sometime today, but then we have madbunny, who doesn't have a character yet 
i'm going to look up some sea cryptids she might like.
if i can't find any, she cold possibly be Amaya's sister....?

That wouldn't be possible, as Hippocampi have one child, and Amaya's father left before Amaya was born. It would also mean Amaya's history would drastically change.

I will try to find some, too.

If MadBunny doesn't tell us why she hasn't created a CHARECTER the next time she is online, should we give her a pre made one with gender and species choice so it gets done soon? I really want to get started, but she doesn't even know anything about thecharecter she wants yet. o.o
~

Also, destructo, here is an edited version of your story. Fixed grammar and spelling mistakes. 


Seaserpentine Maximus the Third was training. As the prince of a kingdom, a kingdom of warrior sea serpents, he was required to train for long hours so he could protect his kingdom should the need arise.

The royal family of serpents had a private training yard, in which he was now. He whirled around, his blue-green scales flashed in the dappled sunlight that reached the shallow sea bottom.

Seaserpentine headed straight at a pillar of bright red coral, at the last second altered his trajectory and corkscrewed so the spikes down the top of his neck sliced through the sharp, hard coral.

Then he whirled around, and slammed another pillar of coral to pieces with the weight of his tail. Seaserpentine used his jaws to pick up boulders that lay on the seabed and crushed them between his sword-like teeth.

After training for what seemed like decades, but really only for a few hours, Seaserpentine stopped and drifted lazily in the circular currents of the training yard. He was very tired after training so vigorously.

Seaserpentine also knew that if his brother, Spear, caught him resting; he would come up with some excuse to steal the throne from him. Their father had died scarcely three days ago, and the kingdom was in hushed silence, waiting for the coronation that, by tradition, must be held five days after a king’s death. He, eldest son of the king, would receive the throne. But Spear could not accept that, and was doing everything in his power to get to the throne.

Seasepentine was about to resume training, but was stopped by a wizened old serpent with glimmering red scales and graying horns that swam like a sailfish towards him.

“Coil!” he was calling.”

"Something must be wrong,” Maximus thought. To address the prince as his birth name was a huge breach in etiquette, only acceptable if a matter of great importance was at hand.

Then Coil recognized the serpent. It was his royal advisor, Judicious. Serpent mothers often named their hatchlings after their qualities. Judicious had finally reached Coil, and seemed about to speak. “What is it, Judicious? What’s wrong?” Coil asked him.

“It’s Spear!” Judicious warned him. “Spear is accusing you of murder! You must flee the kingdom now, or you’ll be killed!” 



“What? The youngest son of a king can’t accuse the prince of a crime! No one can!” Coil exclaimed.

“He can. He ‘found’ evidence that you killed one of the Royal Cave Guards.”

“Wha=but….” Coil stuttered. “Killing a member of the royal guard is one of the worst crimes anyone could do!”

“He’s done it. And now, you must flee! Go, while you still can!” Judicious warned again. Coil didn’t argue.

“Will you be okay, Judicious?”

“I’ll be fine. Now go! They’re coming!!”

Ten sea serpents were practically flew towards him, but they were far enough away that Coil could escape if he went now. He quickly turned and swam away. The guards followed, trying to catch him, but Coil had trained in the royal yard since he was a hatchling, and his tail muscles were incredibly strong.

Coil shot forward like an arrow, the knowledge of what would happen if he stopped his bow. But the guards were fast too. They couldn’t gain on him, but they maintained their distance, and waited for him to tire.

And then Coil saw it. The Fields of Asphodel, which were a huge giant kelp forest, which stretched for miles along the shallow seabed of the reef. They were known to have many shallow caves hidden by the kelp, some of them big enough for even a large sea serpent. They were the perfect hiding place.

Coil quickly altered course and headed straight into the Fields. The flowing green kelp engulfed him. He couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, and couldn’t detect any trace of heat with the organs in his snout. He was lost in the kelp. After he drifted for a moment, his head cleared.

He, Coil, swam around near the seabed until he found a suitable hole. Then he slithered in, curled into a spiral, and slept. 


When Coil awoke, there was no serpent guard dragging him away. However, there was heat from something outside the kelp. He uncoiled and warily crept out of the hole, trying to determine from what creatures the heat emanated. At the edge of the kelp, he saw three creatures, a Hippocampus, a Kelpie, and a ______.


ShadowOfArt wrote:

destructo-serpent wrote:

waffle should have his/her part of the prologue sometime today, but then we have madbunny, who doesn't have a character yet 
i'm going to look up some sea cryptids she might like.
if i can't find any, she cold possibly be Amaya's sister....?

That wouldn't be possible, as Hippocampi have one child, and Amaya's father left before Amaya was born. It would also mean Amaya's history would drastically change.

I will try to find some, too.

If MadBunny doesn't tell us why she hasn't created a CHARECTER the next time she is online, should we give her a pre made one with gender and species choice so it gets done soon? I really want to get started, but she doesn't even know anything about thecharecter she wants yet. o.o
~

Also, destructo, here is an edited version of your story. Fixed grammar and spelling mistakes. 


Seaserpentine Maximus the Third was training. As the prince of a kingdom, a kingdom of warrior sea serpents, he was required to train for long hours so he could protect his kingdom should the need arise.

The royal family of serpents had a private training yard, in which he was now. He whirled around, his blue-green scales flashed in the dappled sunlight that reached the shallow sea bottom.

Seaserpentine headed straight at a pillar of bright red coral, at the last second altered his trajectory and corkscrewed so the spikes down the top of his neck sliced through the sharp, hard coral.

Then he whirled around, and slammed another pillar of coral to pieces with the weight of his tail. Seaserpentine used his jaws to pick up boulders that lay on the seabed and crushed them between his sword-like teeth.

After training for what seemed like decades, but really only for a few hours, Seaserpentine stopped and drifted lazily in the circular currents of the training yard. He was very tired after training so vigorously.

Seaserpentine also knew that if his brother, Spear, caught him resting; he would come up with some excuse to steal the throne from him. Their father had died scarcely three days ago, and the kingdom was in hushed silence, waiting for the coronation that, by tradition, must be held five days after a king’s death. He, eldest son of the king, would receive the throne. But Spear could not accept that, and was doing everything in his power to get to the throne.

Seasepentine was about to resume training, but was stopped by a wizened old serpent with glimmering red scales and graying horns that swam like a sailfish towards him.

“Coil!” he was calling.”

"Something must be wrong,” Maximus thought. To address the prince as his birth name was a huge breach in etiquette, only acceptable if a matter of great importance was at hand.

Then Coil recognized the serpent. It was his royal advisor, Judicious. Serpent mothers often named their hatchlings after their qualities. Judicious had finally reached Coil, and seemed about to speak. “What is it, Judicious? What’s wrong?” Coil asked him.

“It’s Spear!” Judicious warned him. “Spear is accusing you of murder! You must flee the kingdom now, or you’ll be killed!” 




............ other parts of the prolouge in here.


“What? The youngest son of a king can’t accuse the prince of a crime! No one can!” Coil exclaimed.

“He can. He ‘found’ evidence that you killed one of the Royal Cave Guards.”

“Wha-but….” Coil stuttered. “Killing a member of the royal guard is one of the worst crimes anyone could do!”

“He’s done it. And now, you must flee! Go, while you still can!” Judicious warned again. Coil didn’t argue.

“Will you be okay, Judicious?”

“I’ll be fine. Now go! They’re coming!!”

Ten sea serpents were practically flew towards him, but they were far enough away that Coil could escape if he went now. He quickly turned and swam away. The guards followed, trying to catch him, but Coil had trained in the royal yard since he was a hatchling, and his tail muscles were incredibly strong.

Coil shot forward like an arrow, the knowledge of what would happen if he stopped his bow. But the guards were fast too. They couldn’t gain on him, but they maintained their distance, and waited for him to tire.

And then Coil saw it. The Fields of Asphodel, which were a huge giant kelp forest, which stretched for miles along the shallow seabed of the reef. They were known to have many shallow caves hidden by the kelp, some of them big enough for even a large sea serpent. They were the perfect hiding place.

Coil quickly altered course and headed straight into the Fields. The flowing green kelp engulfed him. He couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, and couldn’t detect any trace of heat with the organs in his snout. He was lost in the kelp. After he drifted for a moment, his head cleared.

Coil swam around near the seabed until he found a suitable hole. Then he slithered in, curled into a spiral, and slept. 


When Coil awoke, there was no serpent guard dragging him away. However, there was heat from something outside the kelp. He uncoiled and warily crept out of the hole, trying to determine from what creatures the heat emanated. At the edge of the kelp, he saw three creatures, a Hippocampus, a Kelpie, and a ______.


this had mistakes too. not sure if they were intentional, but..


Seaserpentine Maximus the Third was training. As the prince of a kingdom, a kingdom of warrior sea serpents, he was required to train for long hours so he could protect his kingdom should the need arise.

The royal family of serpents had a private training yard, in which he was now. He whirled around, his blue-green scales flashed in the dappled sunlight that reached the shallow sea bottom.

Seaserpentine headed straight at a pillar of bright red coral, at the last second altered his trajectory and corkscrewed so the spikes down the top of his neck sliced through the sharp, hard coral.

Then he whirled around, and slammed another pillar of coral to pieces with the weight of his tail. Seaserpentine used his jaws to pick up boulders that lay on the seabed and crushed them between his sword-like teeth.

After training for what seemed like decades, but really only for a few hours, Seaserpentine stopped and drifted lazily in the circular currents of the training yard. He was very tired after training so vigorously.

Seaserpentine also knew that if his brother, Spear, caught him resting; he would come up with some excuse to steal the throne from him. Their father had died scarcely three days ago, and the kingdom was in hushed silence, waiting for the coronation that, by tradition, must be held five days after a king’s death. He, eldest son of the king, would receive the throne. But Spear could not accept that, and was doing everything in his power to get to the throne.

Seasepentine was about to resume training, but was stopped by a wizened old serpent with glimmering red scales and graying horns that swam like a sailfish towards him.

“Coil!” he was calling.”

"Something must be wrong,” Maximus thought. To address the prince as his birth name was a huge breach in etiquette, only acceptable if a matter of great importance was at hand.

Then Coil recognized the serpent. It was his royal advisor, Judicious. Serpent mothers often named their hatchlings after their qualities. Judicious had finally reached Coil, and seemed about to speak. “What is it, Judicious? What’s wrong?” Coil asked him.

“It’s Spear!” Judicious warned him. “Spear is accusing you of murder! You must flee the kingdom now, or you’ll be killed!” 




............ other parts of the prolouge in here.


“What? The youngest son of a king can’t accuse the prince of a crime! No one can!” Coil exclaimed.

“He can. He ‘found’ evidence that you killed one of the Royal Cave Guards.”

“Wha-but….” Coil stuttered. “Killing a member of the royal guard is one of the worst crimes anyone could do!”

“He’s done it. And now, you must flee! Go, while you still can!” Judicious warned again. Coil didn’t argue.

“Will you be okay, Judicious?”

“I’ll be fine. Now go! They’re coming!!”

Ten sea serpents were practically flew towards him, but they were far enough away that Coil could escape if he went now. He quickly turned and swam away. The guards followed, trying to catch him, but Coil had trained in the royal yard since he was a hatchling, and his tail muscles were incredibly strong.

Coil shot forward like an arrow, the knowledge of what would happen if he stopped his bow. But the guards were fast too. They couldn’t gain on him, but they maintained their distance, and waited for him to tire.

And then Coil saw it. The Fields of Asphodel, which were a huge giant kelp forest, which stretched for miles along the shallow seabed of the reef. They were known to have many shallow caves hidden by the kelp, some of them big enough for even a large sea serpent. They were the perfect hiding place.

Coil quickly altered course and headed straight into the Fields. The flowing green kelp engulfed him. He couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, and couldn’t detect any trace of heat with the organs in his snout. He was lost in the kelp. After he drifted for a moment, his head cleared.

Coil swam around near the seabed until he found a suitable hole. Then he slithered in, curled into a spiral, and slept. 


When Coil awoke, there was no serpent guard dragging him away. However, there was heat from something outside the kelp. He uncoiled and warily crept out of the hole, trying to determine from what creatures the heat emanated. At the edge of the kelp, he saw three creatures, a Hippocampus, a Kelpie, and a ______.


Last edited by destructo-serpent (2013-03-19 13:13:21)

yeah, she should make a character fast. both of us have already done our parts, and want to get a move on, and waffle should be here soon with his/hers, so madbunny will be two steps behind.

then a friend of Epher's from their village who escaped with him? but that would change everything. i guess she'll have to make her own.

Last edited by destructo-serpent (2013-03-19 13:19:13)