Scratch

bananaman114 · 2013-02-18 00:49:33

"How many times do I have to tell you," he said, stroking her hair. "They aren't going to do it. They don't have the guts. They know we're bigger than them and they know the minute they do anything they're dead. They hit the button, we hit ours. Nobody survives. The end. "

"That's not very comforting at all," she replied, turning to look at him. "We're not even bigger than them, we'd just like to believe we are. If we both hit the button, we're both dead. That's their entire population, as well as ours. How many millions of people is that? Every single one dead. . Every person capable of having this conversation, of loving or hating each other, demolished for the sake of saying 'well, we didn't lose!'"

He stopped and thought about this for a minute, and realized that she was correct. She smiled in a self assured manner, and changed the channel on the TV to cartoons because the news was too depressing.
Twelve minutes later, every atom in her body was flung rapidly apart.
***
Her mother was a bookseller and her father was a book reader, and so in theory everything should have gone wonderfully. The problem with their relationship was that they both had nothing better to do but discuss books or philosophy, and their views on these things were quite different.

They had split up by the time she was 6. She lived with her mother, and learned sciences and maths and philosophies that she wouldn't have learned with her father.

She stayed with her father occasionally but he didn't have much of a job, and as such he didn't have much of a paycheck. That being said, one thing he did seem to have an abundance of was criticisms for her mother. She had always thought that was strange because her parents had been lovers not 7 years ago and he seemed to have decided that the only way not to love her mother anymore was to hate her.

When she was in highschool she had her first boyfriend, and by the end of the year she understood her father's logic.

She took history in school and it always confused her why anyone would want to go to war and fight other countries for control.
She never understood why she died.

Last edited by bananaman114 (2013-02-18 01:03:29)

zubblewu · 2013-02-18 00:55:31

short but
i like it!
although i think you should replace the word logic with corn

bananaman114 · 2013-02-18 01:00:23

zubblewu wrote:
short but
i like it!
although i think you should replace the word logic with corn

I have no idea why
but okay
EDIT: Nonconformity is cool therefore I will not take your advice.

Last edited by bananaman114 (2013-02-18 01:03:09)

zubblewu · 2013-02-18 01:05:12

but if you said corn you wouldn't be conforming to society

bananaman114 · 2013-02-18 01:06:00

zubblewu wrote:
but if you said corn you wouldn't be conforming to society

I would be conforming to you, and being of the hivemind, I would in turn be conforming to society as a being

zubblewu · 2013-02-18 01:08:31

bananaman114 wrote:
zubblewu wrote:
but if you said corn you wouldn't be conforming to society
I would be conforming to you, and being of the hivemind, I would in turn be conforming to society as a being

but to not conform to society as a being you would have to be an inanimate object

bananaman114 · 2013-02-18 01:17:55

zubblewu wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
zubblewu wrote:
but if you said corn you wouldn't be conforming to society
I would be conforming to you, and being of the hivemind, I would in turn be conforming to society as a being
but to not conform to society as a being you would have to be an inanimate object

you can never tell on the internet

zubblewu · 2013-02-18 01:23:03

well
as far as i knew
jolly old saint nick isn't an inanimate object

bananaman114 · 2013-02-18 01:27:15

zubblewu wrote:
well
as far as i knew
jolly old saint nick isn't an inanimate object

bananas are
so are goats (sometimes)

zubblewu · 2013-02-18 01:28:51

i am offensed
i am not an inanimate object!

jji7skyline · 2013-02-18 02:43:54

The message being that we'll never know what happened to us, or why we died, because we won't be able to see the news when we're dead? Good point.

And also you're probably talking about the nuclear weapons race thingy tongue

scratchisthebest · 2013-02-18 09:26:16

bananaman114 wrote:
zubblewu wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
I would be conforming to you, and being of the hivemind, I would in turn be conforming to society as a being
but to not conform to society as a being you would have to be an inanimate object
you can never tell on the internet

cornformance? ^_^

edit: i like the writing

Last edited by scratchisthebest (2013-02-18 09:26:45)

banana500 · 2013-02-18 10:26:05

Well it seems to me that she died in an atomic bombing? As part of nuclear or atomic war, I guess.

The story has a sort of Bradbury-esque style or tone to it, also a lot of Bradbury's stories have something or another to do with nuclear war.

mythbusteranimator · 2013-02-18 10:27:25

Wait what happened???

Programmer_112 · 2013-02-18 11:51:36

This could really be expanded into a novel that covers WWIII. Great job!

generosity · 2013-02-18 12:49:58

depressing but not good enough to still work
not to harsh on your abilities but it has to be really good to work

soupoftomato · 2013-02-18 12:50:28

I pictured it as an alien war with nukes, but I'm pretty sure that what war it is is not the point of the story at all guys!

Anyway, it's cool but the message is a bit heavy-handed at the end, and I feel like it's way too short. Also, why would this girl who studied history and decided wars were dumb, decide to fight one? Unless there was a draft or something.

(I kind of agree with generosity)

Last edited by soupoftomato (2013-02-18 12:52:04)

dontbombiraq · 2013-02-18 13:05:21

soupoftomato wrote:
Also, why would this girl who studied history and decided wars were dumb, decide to fight one? Unless there was a draft or something.

She's not fighting one. When she says "we", she means her country.

And to expound upon what I previously said,
• It's good. It's surprisingly good, actually. The only tangible problem is that you have multiple layers or levels of the story, and it didn't work out.

(By all rights, it should have worked out, but reading the last sentence left something missing for me.)

• Your main layer was the war. Both countries threatening to drop the bomb, girl doesn't understand why, bomb drops anyway, tragedy.
I feel like you were trying to get to the reader without the "Hollywood happy ending," but not all happy endings have to be "Hollywood" and the layer flopped anyway.
• But under that, you had really meaningful thoughts on relationships! And the end of that layer left me satisfied.

Last edited by dontbombiraq (2013-02-18 13:06:10)

veggieman001 · 2013-02-18 13:37:55

I like the idea but I feel like the execution seems a little rushed.

bananaman114 · 2013-02-18 18:40:16

veggieman001 wrote:
I like the idea but I feel like the execution seems a little rushed.

It was tho
I totally forgot what I was going to write like for that second part
and then I realized it was like almost 1 or something and sort of just
did it

thanks for the criticisms guys big_smile
I agree with generosity too

soupoftomato · 2013-02-19 20:45:33

I feel like you should expand it though, to properly tell the story.

Tell it chronologically, first of all. Flesh out the relationship between her mother and father and really show why they would need to split. Then go through the same with the girl. (If you wanted, it could be a parallel to the war.) Talk about the history class extensively somehow. In this, you have one sentence regarding history detailing the entire moral of the story before you say it in the final line. The relationships you describe feel like a moot point without some obvious intent to draw parallel or such.

bananaman114 · 2013-02-20 21:01:52

soupoftomato wrote:
I feel like you should expand it though, to properly tell the story.

Tell it chronologically, first of all. Flesh out the relationship between her mother and father and really show why they would need to split. Then go through the same with the girl. (If you wanted, it could be a parallel to the war.) Talk about the history class extensively somehow. In this, you have one sentence regarding history detailing the entire moral of the story before you say it in the final line. The relationships you describe feel like a moot point without some obvious intent to draw parallel or such.

Yes!
Good idea

I'll do that when i decided to be motivated again!

generosity · 2013-02-20 21:32:30

soupoftomato wrote:
I feel like you should expand it though, to properly tell the story.

Tell it chronologically, first of all. Flesh out the relationship between her mother and father and really show why they would need to split. Then go through the same with the girl. (If you wanted, it could be a parallel to the war.) Talk about the history class extensively somehow. In this, you have one sentence regarding history detailing the entire moral of the story before you say it in the final line. The relationships you describe feel like a moot point without some obvious intent to draw parallel or such.

I don't think the story has to be told chronologically

soupoftomato · 2013-02-20 21:33:52

generosity wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:
I feel like you should expand it though, to properly tell the story.

Tell it chronologically, first of all. Flesh out the relationship between her mother and father and really show why they would need to split. Then go through the same with the girl. (If you wanted, it could be a parallel to the war.) Talk about the history class extensively somehow. In this, you have one sentence regarding history detailing the entire moral of the story before you say it in the final line. The relationships you describe feel like a moot point without some obvious intent to draw parallel or such.
I don't think the story has to be told chronologically

It doesn't but I do think it would be beneficial.

generosity · 2013-02-22 16:02:23

soupoftomato wrote:
generosity wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:
I feel like you should expand it though, to properly tell the story.

Tell it chronologically, first of all. Flesh out the relationship between her mother and father and really show why they would need to split. Then go through the same with the girl. (If you wanted, it could be a parallel to the war.) Talk about the history class extensively somehow. In this, you have one sentence regarding history detailing the entire moral of the story before you say it in the final line. The relationships you describe feel like a moot point without some obvious intent to draw parallel or such.
I don't think the story has to be told chronologically
It doesn't but I do think it would be beneficial.

I disagree

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archived forums

#1 2013-02-18 00:49:33

Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#2 2013-02-18 00:55:31

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#3 2013-02-18 01:00:23

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

zubblewu wrote:

#4 2013-02-18 01:05:12

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#5 2013-02-18 01:06:00

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

zubblewu wrote:

#6 2013-02-18 01:08:31

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

bananaman114 wrote:

zubblewu wrote:

#7 2013-02-18 01:17:55

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

zubblewu wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

zubblewu wrote:

#8 2013-02-18 01:23:03

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#9 2013-02-18 01:27:15

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

zubblewu wrote:

#10 2013-02-18 01:28:51

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#11 2013-02-18 02:43:54

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#12 2013-02-18 09:26:16

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

bananaman114 wrote:

zubblewu wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

#13 2013-02-18 10:26:05

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#14 2013-02-18 10:27:25

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#15 2013-02-18 11:51:36

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#16 2013-02-18 12:49:58

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#17 2013-02-18 12:50:28

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#18 2013-02-18 13:05:21

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

soupoftomato wrote:

#19 2013-02-18 13:37:55

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#20 2013-02-18 18:40:16

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

veggieman001 wrote:

#21 2013-02-19 20:45:33

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

#22 2013-02-20 21:01:52

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

soupoftomato wrote:

#23 2013-02-20 21:32:30

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

soupoftomato wrote:

#24 2013-02-20 21:33:52

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

generosity wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

#25 2013-02-22 16:02:23

Re: Atoms (look, I wrote again)

soupoftomato wrote:

generosity wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

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