Scratch

PurpleDolphin · 2013-02-12 22:14:17

Chapter 1
It was hot day in Orlando Florida. Everyone was at the beach. A girl named Ashley who was 12 stuck her toes into the warm hot sand. "Mom" Asked Ashley, " yes honey?" replied her mom, " Can I go in the water?" pleated Ashley, "Yes and don't go too far" answered her mom. Ashley ran to the water and smelled the salty ocean. Fishes swam pass her foot and tickled her. Ashley laughed. She looked out far toward the ocean and something swimming. "What could that be?" Wondered Ashley. She went back on the beach and
sat down beside her mom and dad and her little brother Mate. "Mom I think I saw a shark or a Dolphin" Said Ashley, Mom laughed and said "there are no sharks and possibly there might be a Dolphin swimming out there but I don't know" said her mom. What could it be?
Ashley wondered in her mind and started to build a sandcastle with her brother.

Chapter 2 is coming soon xD

Necromaster · 2013-02-12 22:24:39

You should probably keep it to one topic.

banana500 · 2013-02-12 23:11:15

Okay.

Warming up my criticism skills...

First of all, your grammar is pretty bad. You don't have commas where they should be, a lot of letters are capitalized where they shouldn't be and uncapitalized where they should be. You need to put commas at the end of statements in quotations. You don't have proper punctuations, there are places where there are commas where there should be periods and vice versa. Also, you need to start a new paragraph where there is a new quotation from a different character. This is all common knowledge.

Second, your writing style is incredibly flat. It has almost no sensory details and I'm having immense trouble imagining this in my head. Just because you can see it, don't immediately assume that your readers can, too. Your sentence variety is lacking and so is the vocabulary.

Third, the chapter is too short! Seriously you have no idea how unbelievably mad I get when I see some story and the chapters are like one to two paragraphs long, barely one fourth of a page. Usually chapters go for four to fifteen pages, sometimes even beyond. Try stretching out your story a little bit to lengthen the chapters, or if you can't really do that, don't have chapters at all, just let it all flow in one go.

And don't think I'm doing this specifically to hurt your feelings here, this is all totally and genuinely constructive.

PurpleDolphin · 2013-02-13 08:31:43

:\ I see everyone hates my stories I will quit making stories when it was my dream :-(

mythbusteranimator · 2013-02-13 08:38:30

PurpleDolphin wrote:
:\ I see everyone hates my stories I will quit making stories when it was my dream :-(

We are not hating on the story, it's just criticism.

slinger · 2013-02-13 08:39:13

No-one hates your stories, they are offering constructive criticism which can be helpful if you acknowledge it. You can't expect to become a great writer without any help from others.

Necromaster · 2013-02-13 11:52:27

PurpleDolphin wrote:
:\ I see everyone hates my stories I will quit making stories when it was my dream :-(

...

All you have to do is just fix up your grammar. We are offering constructive criticism.

PurpleDolphin · 2013-02-13 15:12:04

Thanks guys :-)

banana500 · 2013-02-13 17:12:20

PurpleDolphin wrote:
:\ I see everyone hates my stories I will quit making stories when it was my dream :-(

When did I say I hated it.

I was very simply giving you constructive criticism. You can't expect yourself to be perfect and everyone to be all "Wow good story" (that's what most people on these forums are like).

Plus it's not cool to be all "Waaah bleh haterz are meeeannn I'm gonna quit".

Nomolos · 2013-02-13 17:18:25

Nice! The plot looks like it could have a lot of potential! All you need is longer chapters, some grammar fixes, and some more detail and this can be a full fledged book! big_smile

Also, the people above aren't trying to put you down, they're just posting some helpful tips you should include or take away in your book!

Here would be how I would write this certain paragraph. I'm not very good at writing though so I may not do very good.

Chapter 1
It was a burning hot day in Orlando, Florida and the beach was crowded with people. Ashley, a twelve year old girl, stuck her toes into the hot sand and looked out at the ocean. The beach was a wonderful place to go in the summer, with its shells and unique rocks. It was the place where Ashley went when she was stressed or bored, angry or sorrowful, it was a place where Ashley could forget her troubles and be free to run around on the soft white sands.
"Hey mom?" Ashley asked, looking away from the expansive ocean and up at her mother.
"Yes honey?" replied her mom, reading in the shade of a nearby tree.
"Can I go in the water?" Ashley pleaded.
"Sure honey, but don't go too far" answered her mom without looking up.
Yes! Ashley thought as she ran into the water, breathing in the salty ocean. She waded deeper and fishes swam across her foot, tickling her. Ashley laughed and swam in circles, enjoying the feeling of freedom. After an hour she heard her name called out across the water and looked toward the beach to see her mother motioning her to come. Before swimming back to shore, Ashley looked far out over ocean and saw a purple shape in the distance, surfacing and diving repeatedly. What is it? Ashley wondered. She swam back on the beach and dried herself off, still thinking what could it possibly be.
"I think I saw a shark out there!" said Ashley after sitting on a blanket.
Mom laughed.
"There aren't any sharks at this beach Ash," her mom said, using her daughter's nickname. "But it could of been a dolphin or some other large fish."
What could it be? Ashley thought as she sat down next to her brother Mate and began to build a sandcastle.

Last edited by Nomolos (2013-02-13 19:37:00)

WindowsExplorer · 2013-02-13 17:31:06

I like writing stories in 1st person, and in present tense. Like this.

Instead of doing -
"It was hot day in Orlando Florida. Everyone was at the beach. A girl named Ashley who was 12 stuck her toes into the warm hot sand."

I would do -
"It's really hot. I go over and bury my feet in the sand. It feels nice and soothing on my feet. What I would like now is a drink, but I've heard sea water can make you really thirsty, and I don't want to take my chances with that. "Ashley", calls my Mom. "Coming", I reply."

But that's just the way I like writing stories, so you don't have to. It's just a suggestion. Also, quitting is the last thing you should do if writing stories is really what you would like to do. Also, maybe if you have a brother or sister or a friend, they could help you fix up your grammer. Remember, even professional story writers have editors to fix up grammer and spelling mistakes!

Last edited by WindowsExplorer (2013-02-13 17:32:58)

Luigitailsdoll45 · 2013-02-13 18:13:13

PurpleDolphin wrote:
Chapter 1
It was a hot day in Orlando, Florida. Everyone was at the beach. A twelve year old girl named Ashley stuck her toes into the warm hot sand. "Mom?" asked Ashley. "Yes honey?" replied her mom. "Can I go in the water?" pleated Ashley, "Yes, but don't go too far," answered her mom. Ashley ran to the water and smelled the salty ocean. Fishes swam pass her foot and tickled her. Ashley laughed. She looked out far toward the ocean and something swimming. "What could that be?" wondered Ashley. She went back on the beach and
sat down beside her mom and dad and her little brother Mate. "Mom I think I saw a shark, or maybe a dolphin," said Ashley. Mom laughed and said "There are no sharks and possibly there might be a dolphin swimming out there, but I don't know," said her mom. What could it be?
Ashley wondered in her mind and started to build a sandcastle with her brother.

Chapter 2 is coming soon xD

Fixed!

bananaman114 · 2013-02-13 19:17:54

Luigitailsdoll45 wrote:
PurpleDolphin wrote:
Chapter 1
It was a hot day in Orlando, Florida. Everyone was at the beach. A twelve year old girl named Ashley stuck her toes into the warm hot sand. "Mom?" asked Ashley. "Yes honey?" replied her mom. "Can I go in the water?" pleated Ashley, "Yes, but don't go too far," answered her mom. Ashley ran to the water and smelled the salty ocean. Fishes swam pass her foot and tickled her. Ashley laughed. She looked out far toward the ocean and something swimming. "What could that be?" wondered Ashley. She went back on the beach and sat down beside her mom and dad and her little brother Mate. "Mom I think I saw a shark, or maybe a dolphin," said Ashley. Mom laughed and said "There are no sharks and possibly there might be a dolphin swimming out there, but I don't know," said her mom. What could it be?
Ashley wondered in her mind and started to build a sandcastle with her brother.

Chapter 2 is coming soon xD
Fixed!

I didn't even read it and i noticed an error buddy wink

I like your story! It's been said before but you could clean up your grammar a bit and use different words to make the story interesting. You're writing is kind of flat and it could be livened up a little.

Is this your first story? I'm sure that as you get older and stuff you'll mature and some of this stuff will come with time I hope

OrcaCat · 2013-02-13 19:54:13

PurpleDolphin wrote:
Chapter 1 wrote:
It was a parching day at Orlando, Florida. Everyone was at the beach. Ashley, a 12 year old girl, stuck her toes into the hot sand. "Mom?" asked Ashley. "Yes, honey?" replied her mom. "Can I go in the water?" pleated Ashley. "Yes, but don't go too far," answered her mother. Ashley ran to the water and smelled the salty ocean. Fishes swam pass her foot and tickled her. Ashley laughed. She looked far out toward the ocean. Something was swimming! "What could that be?" wondered Ashley, fascinated. She went back on the beach and sat down beside her mom, dad, and little brother, Mate. "Mom, I think I saw a shark or a dolphin!" exclaimed Ashley. Mom laughed and said, "There are no sharks, but there possibly might be a dolphin swimming out there, but I don't know." said her mom. What could it be?
Ashley wondered in her mind and started to build a sandcastle with her brother.

I'm not the best writer, but I changed it up a little bit and fixed the grammar.

I changed "Dolphin" into "dolphin" as well. No matter how much you love dolphins, the word "dolphin" isn't being used in a proper sense, so it needs to be lowercase.

PurpleDolphin · 2013-02-13 22:32:37

Thanks guys you all are very kind to help me I will fix it up

WindowsExplorer · 2013-02-14 06:03:08

PurpleDolphin wrote:
Thanks guys you all are very kind to help me I will fix it up

Also, perhaps you could shorten names. I mean when you are introducing new characters, you give them a nickname, like -
"I am Ashley. My friends call me Ash for short."
I think nicknames can really help improve your story, and they could help your readers get to know the character better.

fireheartocean · 2013-02-14 10:54:33

I like it! If it's anything like how I wrote my book, you'll keep getting better the more you progress! ^u^ Keep writing, I'd like to see what the plot turns out to be... :3

PurpleDolphin · 2013-02-14 10:57:29

Thanks fire heart ocean I have a finished one so please visit it :-)

Scratch

archived forums

#1 2013-02-12 22:14:17

The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#2 2013-02-12 22:24:39

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#3 2013-02-12 23:11:15

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#4 2013-02-13 08:31:43

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#5 2013-02-13 08:38:30

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

PurpleDolphin wrote:

#6 2013-02-13 08:39:13

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#7 2013-02-13 11:52:27

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

PurpleDolphin wrote:

#8 2013-02-13 15:12:04

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#9 2013-02-13 17:12:20

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

PurpleDolphin wrote:

#10 2013-02-13 17:18:25

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#11 2013-02-13 17:31:06

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#12 2013-02-13 18:13:13

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

PurpleDolphin wrote:

#13 2013-02-13 19:17:54

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

Luigitailsdoll45 wrote:

PurpleDolphin wrote:

#14 2013-02-13 19:54:13

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

PurpleDolphin wrote:

Chapter 1 wrote:

#15 2013-02-13 22:32:37

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#16 2013-02-14 06:03:08

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

PurpleDolphin wrote:

#17 2013-02-14 10:54:33

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

#18 2013-02-14 10:57:29

Re: The Purple Dolphin by PurpleDolphin (not finished)

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