Scratch

PurpleDolphin wrote:

Chapter 1

It was a hot day in Florida and everyone was at the beach. A 13 year old girl named
Ashley (who was called Ash for short) sticked her toes in the hot sand. Mom? Asked Ashley, yeah honey replied her mom, can I go in the water?  pleated Ashley, ok don't go too far said mom pointing out to the ocean. Ashley ran to the water and felt fishes swim pass her legs. Ashley giggled and looked out farther into the ocean. She noticed something swimming out there what could it be???



Ok if you want chapter 2 tell me please 

Good start but you need quotation marks whenever someone's speaking and each time a new person speaks you start a new paragraph so this is what it should look like:
          "mom?" asked Ashley
          "Yeah honey?" replied her mom
          "can I go in the water?" pleated Ashley

          And also there's this thing called info dumping (you may have heard of it already) and info dumps are literally it's name; dumps of info. So you sort of have that in the beginning when you talk about Ashley and her age. It's a very small info dump, but still, I think there are other ways to tell readers her age and name without saying it blatantly like that right off the bat.
          Also, in story's you don't wanna start by talking about the weather and or the state, city, town, etc, etc (there's many reasons for that, I won't go into it unless you want me to.) You also should try to avoid rhetorical questions. If "what could it be?" was something Ashley thought or said, then that's an exception because at that point it's not really a rhetorical question.
          Please don't think of this as spam, I'm honestly just trying to help: I have a seperate acount just for writing (RoyalWriter) I have a lot of tips that might help! I'd also love to talk with you about writing 

Edit: Please, no one comment about my grammar right now. I know it's bad, but that's because I'm not trying right now. I'm just going quick. 

Last edited by RoyalHi5 (2013-02-12 17:57:38)