Scratch

bananaman114 wrote:

Programmer_112 wrote:

Well, the concept is perfect.  I can't deny it.  The problem is that the sentences and story are forced.  My cousin was published at 14, he gave me some tips, and number one for you would probably be:  Don't write unless you feel like writing or you're on a deadline.  Almost always, the story is better if you want to write it.  Your introduction was felt, I can tell.  It was beautiful, alluring, motivating and sinister.  Perfect.  Some of the writing, though, is more forced.  Choppy.  Logical.  It doesn't have to be logical.  Are we logical as humans? Not really.  We are impulsive and creative, and we like it when other thing are that way.

Keep writing, and I'm sure you will be a pro someday.  This is really great work, and with a little bit of practice, you could be on of the best authors in America! Keep it up!

Being published is not a factor in determining if you're a good writer

Good point. 

...

I like the whole cliche black-and-white detective movie (noir?) but uh, having CAPITALIZED TITLES through me off. Also, you say death is being left to die and DEATH is hard work or instant death. Since DEATH is the reason the other option is death, you don't need the "or instant death." (it gets a bit recursive)

There's also something that says you can get rid of the first sentence of your writing and make it better. While it does provide some context, the immediate contrast in the second sentence between death and DEATH I like better. You can add the context of what DEATH is maybe immediately after that.

Last edited by soupoftomato (2013-01-21 12:51:45)

Edited:

Dread filled the streets, the menacing shadows of houses staring mercilessly at the blank, filth filled streets. Jane, mouthing a scream, stepped out of her hiding place in between the bins, and glugged the filthy water bottle, blackened, soot like water sinking through her gaping jaw. A tear filled her eyes as she stared at the only friend she had, a bloody heap on the floor. Partially absorbed by her mourning, she didn't notice a figure in black come out of hiding, and quickly slink back into the shadows, and slip away.  A moan echoed out of the shell of her friend Thomas,
  “Help me" Taking one more look at her friend who had nearly been completely engulfed by death, Jane turned away, slipping away through the darkened streets before she was seen, all the while clinging on to her only possession, a shattered mirror.

Last edited by letmethink (2013-01-26 16:21:33)

letmethink wrote:

Edited:

Dread filled the streets, the menacing shadows of houses staring mercilessly at the blank, filth filled streets. Jane, mouthing a scream, stepped out of her hiding place in between the bins, and glugged the filthy water bottle, blackened, soot like water sinking through her gaping jaw. A tear filled her eyes as she stared at the only friend she had, a bloody heap on the floor. Partially absorbed by her mourning, she didn't notice a figure in black come out of hiding, and quickly slink back into the shadows, and slip away.  A moan echoed out of the shell of her friend Thomas,
  “Help me" Taking one more look at her friend who had nearly been completely engulfed by death, Jane turned away, slipping away through the darkened streets before she was seen, all the while clinging on to her only possession, a shattered mirror.

Nah the original was better.

I mean you've added characters doing actions you can't reasonably assume they did.

Last edited by soupoftomato (2013-01-27 00:56:18)