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letmethink · 2013-01-15 16:01:17

Here is the first paragraph, please post a reply saying how I could I improve it or any mistake I have made.

Backstory

DEATH is a criminal organisation that picks up people from the steets and gives them a harsh opportunity, death or DEATH. Death is being left to die and DEATH is hard work or immediate death. The ELITE are the people who, after they reach adulthood will still be useful the others are tools. The ELITE are the people who make decisions, the leaders. We follow a 14 year old girl starting from her life before her recruitment.

Intro
'Welcome to DEATH. You have come from life, but if you return for you it will surely be death. At DEATH, if you work, life will follow. Not life that will be followed by death, but life that is worth living. At death we have rules. Work is life and slacking is death. If you don't work we will create death for you. If you are above average you may create a better life at DEATH. If you don't you will survive but get nowhere. The ELITE are the best, the ones who work. Could you be one of them? If you could come. Otherwise go. Go quickly. You have never heard of us and you have never seen us. If you tell DEATH will follow you around and so will death. Come or go, your choice.'

Edit:

I've decided to add a small preview, not an action scene, I'm saving those.

'Hundreds of birds flocked through the sky. Jane stared up perplexed by their perfectly practised movements. She had been running continuously up a mountainous path and thought she deserved a break. Jane, reached into her pocket and pulled out a grubby, scratched mirror. As she stared into it, she didn't recognise the face staring back at her. The face of a battle hardened woman. Not of an innocent young child as it had been only weeks earlier. Gritting her teeth, she continued the perilous climb, trying to reach base. The rain fell down like a blanket covering her, not a blanket of warmth and hope but a blanket of misery and despair.
“Not so far behind me there are three boys working together to try to beat me to base”, she thought, “If they beat me a mockery will be made of me because they are three years younger”. With this in mind she moved forward, ignoring the pain in her ankle that was screaming at her to stop. Moving at pace she ran to the nearest cave, got her map out, and checked it while protected from the rain.

* * * * * * *

Moving at pace the boys worked towards her, like a pack. At the moment it didn't matter that they were younger, only that they concentrated on catching up. Luke, the leader of the pack, pulled out his coat from his pack and slung it over his shoulders. Struggling to hear over the sound of the rain he managed to catch a few words of his friend, Max's comment. One of them was 'Jane' and the other one was 'just ahead'. Grinning like a monkey, he threw his coat on the floor, this he would later regret, and made a dash for the top of the hill, hoping to catch up with Jane before any of the other boys did.

And so on...

Last edited by letmethink (2013-01-16 14:19:18)

RoyalHi5 · 2013-01-15 18:24:31

OMG I LOVE THIS! I'm not just saying that, I honestly mean it! This seems really interesting! I love writing, I actually have a serperate acount just for writing (RoyalWriter). My only suggestion is; avoid info dumps. This paragraph is kind of just one big info dump...

67589jun · 2013-01-15 18:26:53

A good tip for writing would be; If you can simplify and shorten the sentence, do it.

RoyalHi5 · 2013-01-15 18:30:49

I'm not trying to spam when I say this; On my other acount (RoyalWriter) I have a bunch of writing tips! You should check 'em out! They may help smile

letmethink · 2013-01-16 02:29:38

RoyalHi5 wrote:
I'm not trying to spam when I say this; On my other acount (RoyalWriter) I have a bunch of writing tips! You should check 'em out! They may help

Okay,will do

letmethink · 2013-01-16 14:20:31

Update: Added a preview

letmethink · 2013-01-16 15:39:08

...

dontbombiraq · 2013-01-16 15:58:34

Be sure to vary sentence length. It's fine to address the reader a bit (you did when you wrote "this he would later regret"), but you must be careful to dissever this from the normal narration sequence, or risk it breaking the reader's train of thought.

letmethink · 2013-01-16 16:05:03

dontbombiraq wrote:
Be sure to vary sentence length. It's fine to address the reader a bit (you did when you wrote "this he would later regret"), but you must be careful to dissever this from the normal narration sequence, or risk it breaking the reader's train of thought.

So i should do this seperately, or before or after, right?

Oh, and what do you think of the idea?

dontbombiraq · 2013-01-16 16:08:49

letmethink wrote:
dontbombiraq wrote:
Be sure to vary sentence length. It's fine to address the reader a bit (you did when you wrote "this he would later regret"), but you must be careful to dissever this from the normal narration sequence, or risk it breaking the reader's train of thought.
So i should do this seperately, or before or after, right?

Oh, and what do you think of the idea?

It's a little contrived, but I like the idea of having the gang being named DEATH, it creates a bit of confusion that draws the reader in.

letmethink · 2013-01-16 16:12:02

dontbombiraq wrote:
letmethink wrote:
dontbombiraq wrote:
Be sure to vary sentence length. It's fine to address the reader a bit (you did when you wrote "this he would later regret"), but you must be careful to dissever this from the normal narration sequence, or risk it breaking the reader's train of thought.
So i should do this seperately, or before or after, right?

Oh, and what do you think of the idea?
It's a little contrived, but I like the idea of having the gang being named DEATH, it creates a bit of confusion that draws the reader in.

obviously planned or forced; artificial; strained is the meaning for contrived. Can you explain how it is contrived for me so I can adjust the framework.

dontbombiraq · 2013-01-16 16:16:03

letmethink wrote:
dontbombiraq wrote:
letmethink wrote:

So i should do this seperately, or before or after, right?

Oh, and what do you think of the idea?
It's a little contrived, but I like the idea of having the gang being named DEATH, it creates a bit of confusion that draws the reader in.
obviously planned or forced; artificial; strained is the meaning for contrived. Can you explain how it is contrived for me so I can adjust the framework.

More forced than anything, I would think. It's just that a secret gang who controls people isn't all that original. Mind you, I'm talking about the idea, the plot; you can make it great with a great story.

letmethink · 2013-01-17 11:31:40

dontbombiraq wrote:
letmethink wrote:
dontbombiraq wrote:

It's a little contrived, but I like the idea of having the gang being named DEATH, it creates a bit of confusion that draws the reader in.
obviously planned or forced; artificial; strained is the meaning for contrived. Can you explain how it is contrived for me so I can adjust the framework.
More forced than anything, I would think. It's just that a secret gang who controls people isn't all that original. Mind you, I'm talking about the idea, the plot; you can make it great with a great story.

What I'm hoping to be origional about it is that it is a secret gang that can support itself and be assured that it will have new members, homeless children who have a better chance of living in a criminal gang than not, and that will do anything to stay alive and live a better life.

letmethink · 2013-01-17 16:09:48

...anyone there

bananaman114 · 2013-01-17 22:32:48

I haven't even read this yet, i'll get around to it tomorrow i promise but
right off the bat
DEATH vs death is kind of confusing!
also you shouldn't have to give backstory before the INTRODUCTION
unless it's going to be added in later in which case it's perfectly understandable

Programmer_112 · 2013-01-17 23:05:21

Well, the concept is perfect. I can't deny it. The problem is that the sentences and story are forced. My cousin was published at 14, he gave me some tips, and number one for you would probably be: Don't write unless you feel like writing or you're on a deadline. Almost always, the story is better if you want to write it. Your introduction was felt, I can tell. It was beautiful, alluring, motivating and sinister. Perfect. Some of the writing, though, is more forced. Choppy. Logical. It doesn't have to be logical. Are we logical as humans? Not really. We are impulsive and creative, and we like it when other thing are that way.

Keep writing, and I'm sure you will be a pro someday. This is really great work, and with a little bit of practice, you could be on of the best authors in America! Keep it up!

letmethink · 2013-01-18 11:00:17

Programmer_112 wrote:
you could be on of the best authors in America! Keep it up!

um.. I'm from the UK

Programmer_112 · 2013-01-18 11:29:59

OK. You can be one of the best authors in the UK.

letmethink · 2013-01-18 11:50:46

Ok, I'll try

letmethink · 2013-01-19 04:32:47

...

letmethink · 2013-01-19 15:50:20

...

BlackKyurem · 2013-01-19 16:26:45

Nice yikes

letmethink · 2013-01-19 16:29:02

BlackKyurem wrote:
Nice

Thanks big_smile

BlackKyurem · 2013-01-19 16:43:21

letmethink wrote:
BlackKyurem wrote:
Nice
Thanks

No problem

bananaman114 · 2013-01-19 20:35:51

Programmer_112 wrote:
Well, the concept is perfect. I can't deny it. The problem is that the sentences and story are forced. My cousin was published at 14, he gave me some tips, and number one for you would probably be: Don't write unless you feel like writing or you're on a deadline. Almost always, the story is better if you want to write it. Your introduction was felt, I can tell. It was beautiful, alluring, motivating and sinister. Perfect. Some of the writing, though, is more forced. Choppy. Logical. It doesn't have to be logical. Are we logical as humans? Not really. We are impulsive and creative, and we like it when other thing are that way.

Keep writing, and I'm sure you will be a pro someday. This is really great work, and with a little bit of practice, you could be on of the best authors in America! Keep it up!

Being published is not a factor in determining if you're a good writer

Scratch

archived forums

#1 2013-01-15 16:01:17

My New Book Introduction

#2 2013-01-15 18:24:31

Re: My New Book Introduction

#3 2013-01-15 18:26:53

Re: My New Book Introduction

#4 2013-01-15 18:30:49

Re: My New Book Introduction

#5 2013-01-16 02:29:38

Re: My New Book Introduction

RoyalHi5 wrote:

#6 2013-01-16 14:20:31

Re: My New Book Introduction

#7 2013-01-16 15:39:08

Re: My New Book Introduction

#8 2013-01-16 15:58:34

Re: My New Book Introduction

#9 2013-01-16 16:05:03

Re: My New Book Introduction

dontbombiraq wrote:

#10 2013-01-16 16:08:49

Re: My New Book Introduction

letmethink wrote:

dontbombiraq wrote:

#11 2013-01-16 16:12:02

Re: My New Book Introduction

dontbombiraq wrote:

letmethink wrote:

dontbombiraq wrote:

#12 2013-01-16 16:16:03

Re: My New Book Introduction

letmethink wrote:

dontbombiraq wrote:

letmethink wrote:

#13 2013-01-17 11:31:40

Re: My New Book Introduction

dontbombiraq wrote:

letmethink wrote:

dontbombiraq wrote:

#14 2013-01-17 16:09:48

Re: My New Book Introduction

#15 2013-01-17 22:32:48

Re: My New Book Introduction

#16 2013-01-17 23:05:21

Re: My New Book Introduction

#17 2013-01-18 11:00:17

Re: My New Book Introduction

Programmer_112 wrote:

#18 2013-01-18 11:29:59

Re: My New Book Introduction

#19 2013-01-18 11:50:46

Re: My New Book Introduction

#20 2013-01-19 04:32:47

Re: My New Book Introduction

#21 2013-01-19 15:50:20

Re: My New Book Introduction

#22 2013-01-19 16:26:45

Re: My New Book Introduction

#23 2013-01-19 16:29:02

Re: My New Book Introduction

BlackKyurem wrote:

#24 2013-01-19 16:43:21

Re: My New Book Introduction

letmethink wrote:

BlackKyurem wrote:

#25 2013-01-19 20:35:51

Re: My New Book Introduction

Programmer_112 wrote:

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