Scratch

I'm here with some more intelligent puns than 'yo mamma jokes'

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I forgot what a boomerang was, then it came back to me.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'll be alright, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

A photon walks checks into a hotel.
The bellhop says 'do you need help with your luggage?' and then the photon replies 'no thanks, I'm traveling light'

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Ten of my favorite puns. I hope they make you laugh.

Last edited by wiimaster (2013-01-04 08:21:12)

What did the cat say when it walked into the bar?
Ouch.

NeilWest wrote:

werdna123 wrote:

yo mama's so fat your father no longer finds her attractive and their marriage is in trouble.

Was that satrical or something, because I found it offensive. Let's stop these 'yo mama' jokes and get back to some non-offensive jokes/puns.

I think it's somewhat obvious that it was satirical.

I think this is more of a TBG. 

slinger wrote:

wiimaster wrote:

I'm here with some more intelligent puns than 'yo mamma jokes'

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I forgot what a boomerang was, then it came back to me.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'll be alright, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

A photon walks checks into a hotel.
The bellhop says 'do you need help with your luggage?' and then the photon replies 'no thanks, I'm traveling light'

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Ten of my favorite puns. I hope they make you laugh.

Those were hilarious. Thanks for posting 

I'm glad!
Have ten more (hopefully just as good) puns:

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

To try to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The hat says to the tie, 'You hang around, I'll go on a head.'.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Never trust an atom.   
[highlight to see why]
They make up almost everything!

That's the SEALiest thing I've ever heard.  Animal puns!

Too hot to HANDEL.  Musicians!

I went to a wedding.  It was quite emotional.  Even the cake was in tiers.

http://cheezburger.com/6931289600

http://cheezburger.com/6937924352

Saw this on TED by Maz Jobrani:
If you look even slightly MIddle Eastern and you're on a plane with a friend Jack, NEVER say "Hi, Jack!"  Say "Greetings, Jack!"

A quote I read:
"I once heard that the probability that someone would bring a bomb on board of a plane was 1 in 1000.  THen, I started brining a bomb on board."

XD

RedRocker227 wrote:

wiimaster wrote:

I'm here with some more intelligent puns than 'yo mamma jokes'

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

I forgot what a boomerang was, then it came back to me.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'll be alright, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

A photon walks checks into a hotel.
The bellhop says 'do you need help with your luggage?' and then the photon replies 'no thanks, I'm traveling light'

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Ten of my favorite puns. I hope they make you laugh.

That bottom one reminds me of "Two scientists walk into a bar. 'I'll have some H2O' says one of them. 'I'll have some H2O too' said the other. He died shortly after."
Does anyone even get that ;o

Don't drink hydrogen peroxide.  You'll die.

Lol I like that one

Then again I like all anti jokes

RedRocker227 wrote:

That bottom one reminds me of "Two scientists walk into a bar. 'I'll have some H2O' says one of them. 'I'll have some H2O too' said the other. He died shortly after."
Does anyone even get that ;o

That's a good one!


The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and got in trouble for littering.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A paper airplane was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

sanddude wrote:

I called Rick Astley the other day and I was like "Hey, could you loan me some of your Pixar DVDs for the weekend." He said, "Well you can have Toy Story, Finding Nemo, and Monsters Inc, but I'm never gonna give you Up."

I just bought the new Jay-Z backscratcher. I've got 99 problems, but an itch ain't one.

I saw a variation of the first one on the So Much Pun website!

I heard that ice cream vans are switching from white to black, as black is cool.

RoguePhantom01 wrote:

Are you kidding me?! None of these jokes are punny!

(They are)

I bet you had pun in saying that?

Why was the failing student soaked to the skin? Because he's below C level!

Random stranger: Hey, want to here a funny joke?
Me: ...Sure?
Random stanger: Why are fish so smart?
Me: I don't know.
Random stranger: Because they're always in schools!
Me: I sea what you did there.
[/pun]