Scratch

i saw the mst3k riff and it was great

THE MOVIE IS STARTING
the set decorator could be my pastor
there appears to be a sea anemone and an octopus
60's styled music
they're having an interview with santa
on a martian news station!
Andy Henderson is at the north pole
It's cold up there- andy henderson
They only eat frozen food up there
The elves look like gnomes
santa is painting a toy
he wants to say words to kids
he laughs scarily
he is busy
he smokes a pipe
santa might use a rocket sled this year
nope thats not true
prancer and dancer and doner and blitzen
and he forgets the names of his reindeer
mrs claus looks like my grandmother
santa has to paint hobbyhorses
mrs claus said 'hi to the camera
apperently that is funny
santa is showing mr anderson new toys
everything is A-OK
winky is in charge of the space deparment
This reeks of space race
martians look like batman
some martian is looking for another martian
the other martian is sleeping
now has a seizure
laughs
he stands up
he says sorry
he is the laziest man on mars
he wasnt sleeping, he just couldnt sleep at night
the sleepy martians wants food pills
talks about TV and earth programming
back to interview with santa
santa makes magical dolls
they only need tender loving care
martian children are of colour
they shouldnt be watching Tv
they should go to bed
GO TO SLEEP
they sleep in a pyramid
weird noises
the sleepy martian is talking to a female martian
she hopes the children wouldnt be
inauible
mashed potatoes
chocolate layercake pills
the children havent eaten a thing in 3 day
or slept
mars children are being hypnotised by TV
the leader must do something about it
seek the weird martian in the forest
the ancient one
council chiefs please report
the council must meet immidietly at juctions chair in thunder forest
mars rocks
there is only 1 tree in thunder forest
no wait there are lots but they are all cross shaped
keemar is late
keemar thinks the council is a kindergarten class
he showed up when they were gossiping
they are seeking the ancient one
weird noice
explosion
weird ancient one appears to have an egg for a head
no he just has long hair
'you called me, keemar?'
they need his advice
the children are obsessed with TV
the ancient one is weird
it is the middle of septober
its is early december on earty
christmas
that explains it
what is a christmas
an occasion of great joy
this guy sounds like hes going to cry
the earthy people wait santa
the one martian says 'bah, humbug'
electronic teaching machines re attached to their brains
informatio nsomething
this guy is hard to understand
wht does he advise
they must learn to play and
idunno
they need a santa claus on mars!!!! 1
ancient one is shaking
he exploded
wthe
martian council talks again
they need a santa
they are going to kidnap santa i think
they are going to do something desperate
they are going to kidnap santa!!!!
prepare spaceship number 1!

santa claus is kidnap by martian, says the news
nevr in history has something this bad happend, UN to light lights cos that will get them to bring santa back
interview with old guy
space agency to rescue santa
ships need 6 months of testing,
testing is for losers forget it santa is more important
rocket
launnnchhhhhhhhhhhhh
this bit goes on for like a minute
martians in spaceship
no radar beams
clean getaway!!!
captain is happy!
wait that means santa!
wat
oh santa is telling jokes about martians
martianmellows
soft
weak
that old man is a menace
santa is talking about rudolph to kidnapped children
santa goes in a chimney in story
its not a chimney!
it was a smokestack of a ship
funny story, but no laughs
balderdash
fiddledeedee
santa wanted to visit mars
mommy will be angry!
mrs claus will be angry!
oh me oh my oh me
dinnertime!
truffl feads them dinnr
soup, beef stew, choco icecream
billy no hungry
truffle will eat his icecream
what a jerk
mars is a terrible place
chocolate ice cream pills
!!
food pills
oh dear
radar blips
spaceship coming up!!!
oh my
the guy blames billy for rocket ship
he going to yell at him or something
take evasive action
well
how is santa?
and earthling?
tiresome?
say, want to see rest of ship?
yer not foolin mee, yer mean!
santa makes everyone feel good
i dont trst you
we love to take the grand tour
take hte tour
enter room
airlock
wher you go whne you going out in space
santa wears hat now
warning bell rings
for final check on equipment
all air would go out if door opend
they would die
martian is going to throw them into space
oh my
they are locked in
they are going to die
dont trust boldar
hes a meaniepoo
lets not get exited, we're going to die soon tho
the door will open in 20 seconds or so
bang on the door
boldar is going to open the airlock door
theyre going to die
lets go through a little pipe
5 seconds left
SANTA GON DIE
1 second
0
who is in the airlock?
nobody anymore!
boldar is a bad guy
santa is in space with the space junk
the martians fight
pow
whack
boom
bang
hes smashing boldars head
santa is okay
he just walks into the room
he and the kids went thru the pipe
they're not dead
santa has a secret
boldar fainted
like somebody who saw a ghost
!!!!! Oh my
rocket is coming
mars is close too
begin landing operation
lower landing legs
fire torpedoes
boldar will stand trial
they landed on mars
open hatch
ship secure
jingle bells
SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS, MARTIANS
on yer feet, boldar
its seizure guy, not boldar
boldar escaped!
hes gone
that can only mean trouble
put a guard on santa and earth children
boldar will be back!
meanwhile on mars
chick turns dials
picks up taco lampshade things
mars children talk to her
go back to your studies
oh kemo
no
children come in
earthlings
billy
betty
welcome to Mars, kids
youre never going to see oyur parents again
hey santa welcome to mars
bow for the martians
santas gonna try to make them happy
where are they
santas going to 'say hello' to the children
pi over
whatever math
orbit
vector a
17th quadrant
12 megatrons
i missed you father
i brought some hostages i mean visistors from earth
this is my kids billy and betty,
why are you holding out your hand
you shake it silly
up and down
shaaake
they are 10 years old
the girls are 8
santa wants to see the kids
he laughs
heeheeheeheeheeheeehee
why does santa laugh at colored people
the kdis laugh too
WHAT IS SO FUNNY
WHY IN THE WORLD ARE HTEY LAUGING
WHAT
IS
GOING
ON
seizure guy dances

martians walks in cave
rants
easy
get rid of the fatman in red suit
santa claus is bad
boldar has a plan! O_o
who are these martians in the cave with him
they have computer
the dialogue is inaudible
i cant understand it
they have an evil plan tho
the martian talks about how slinkies are cute
he wants to steal one to fool around with
he smiles creepily
they are going to make santa a laughingstock
the guards will guard santa
billy dies magic laundry
no wait those are toys?
no just laundry
wat
no
yots!
he puts them in like a chute or something
the girl reads instructions to santsa
its what the kids want 4 krismas
santa claus is using machines to make toys
oh my
hes depressed
lets close up shop!
okay santa!
he;s got a new suit
santa is relaly fat
seizure guy is too but santa says othersie
film distorts
another day, another dollar
how is santa doing?
not fine
pressin buttons all day long
i think i'll put my finger to bed
you can play for half an hour
then go to bed
heres oyur milk pill
billy betty dont you want to watch the earth programmes on TV?
nope nope!
are you feeling ok?
yea
are you mistreated?
no
we were only kidnapped by martians but lets disregard that fact
the kids are homesick! :<
the children have go to go back!
the seizure guy tries on santas pants
he takes a ton of fatty pills
and gets fat immidietly
he stuffs his belly with pillows to fit santas pants
and then wears his coat
and a fake beard too
NOW IM SANTA CLAUS
hohoho
hohoho
merry christmas everyone!
my finger isnt tired
i think i'll make more toys
jingle bells
hes walking in circles
goes down to workshop
baldar sneaks in with martians
to workshop
find controls
stub toe on toy
drop toy on toes
sneaky sneaky guys
more light
hit on head
more light!
mess with controls
just hit the things with tools, that should do the job!
somebodys coming, quick hide
its seizure guy
hes singing christmas carols and juimping like santa
hes a moron
they shine luight on him and he has a seizure
they bring him back to their cave and are going ot shoot him
they think he's the real santa!!!!
answer the questions
tomorrow marks the eend of operation santa claus
lady martian walks into room
searches for husband
breakfast is ready
she was looking for seizure guy, not husband
santa tells lady suit is missing
she's gotta look for the suit
let him have his fun
he's probably at the toy shop
BREAKFAST Is READY
it might get cold
ITS MARS
things dont get cold
HAHAHAHAHA
santa laughs
kids were hiding
theyre looking for the seizure guy
his nameis like grombo
they decide to make toys instead
one teddy bear
one doll
one baseball bat
it made a tennis racket
the machine is broken
it makes things that arent asked for!
it makes the wrong things!
oh no no no no no!!! D:
something very strange is happening here!
go call yer father kid
father this is momar
there is smething wrong with the toy machine
its time to go
says the aliens in the cave
its too dangerous
fake santa is scared
open the rear curtain
have you got any big ideas?
you'll be disintergrated, fake santa
somebody switched all the wires
the machine was saboraged
it spells that bad guys name apperently
he kidnapped that fake santa
they try to arrest him
hes got a gun
the bad guy says hes got a gun
this is actually, ironically funny
they're trying to ransom off santa
but they have to get rid of all the joy on mars to get santa back alive!
r u sure you have santa?
nop! thats the wrong guy
arrest the bad guys
have a trial
get in the cell
its a closet
sit down
fake santa changes lightbulbes
has a seizure again
if yer tihnking of leaving, ur gon get deaded
santa escapes
!!!!
yes
beat up the guard in the closet
bad guys will escape
santa fixes machine
billy must go to store room, closet where guys are held
billy reports to santa whne he hears evil plan
they make a plan to beat the bad guys
bad guy threatsn santa
gets shot at with Bubble cannons
WHAT THE
hell
the bad guys are being attacked by toys
santa laughs
BUBBLES ARE EVERYWHERE
indian drums on toy drum
beat bad guy with baseball bat
drum drum drum
BUBBLES
tank
aeroplane
tank
bubbles
baseball bat
toy dog
shoot bubbles back
its a bubble war
santa laughs
fake santa runs into bad guy
oh my!
im going to take care of you myself!
they arrest the bad guy
HO HO HO
merry christmas
lets let the kids go
santa thanks them?
WHY DOES HE THANK THEM
THEY KIDNAPPED HIM
THEY RUINED CHRISTMAS
THANK YOU FOR RUINING CHRISTMAS, MARTIANS
no wait
maybe christmas can be saved!!!
bye santa!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
play a demented christmas song

You /are/ Santa. ;_;

It's public domain, so you can find it in one part on YouTube.

Watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 mocking of it. It's pretty amusing, and I think makes the movie more funny.

thxx

In summation:
santa never actually conquered the martians, they kidnapped him and he essentially thanked them for it
there was a bad guy and he got beaten up with toys because he tried to ransom off a fake santa who was really a martian with a seizure problem

that is all you need to know

i forgot to mentio ntaht the song they play at the end is a sing along

All4one wrote:

technoguyx wrote:

luiysia wrote:

This is so confusing and also it sounds like the best thing ever

this.

i'm personally honored to live on the same planet as the brilliant minds that nurtured such an excellent, ingenious, heart-warming piece of work that we humans call, "santa claus conquers the martians".

I'm from mars and it's a disgrace

i think i want to watch this

bananaman114 wrote:

Here it is

where is the love it button