Scratch

mintfang wrote:

Playdevanrowan39 wrote:

CHAPTER 1:
A squirrel and a nuthatch were bouncing along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a web cam pressed into one.Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures their names were Devon the squirrel and sundance the nuthatch. Anyway this duo was goanna make a youtube show. And it was goanna go VIRAL!!!!!. Do you think its goanna go viral Devon say's. Yes sad's sundance. Its certainly is goanna be interesting. I think so to said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the tall trees shaded from the rain. Sundance thought  "it wouid be nice to go back to my nest" and then another thought occurred "It wouid be even more wet" yuk. Devan said well, if we want to be on youtube we have to have an account. So what shouid be our username be? Inquired Sundance. "Well" replied Devan. Maybe it shouid be Devanandsundanceshow. "Sure" replied sundance. But when they typed it in the box it said "NAME TAKEN PLEASE PICK ANOTHER ONE" in an official red. Devan and Sundance Said in harmony "WHAT, THAT'S LIKE THE MOST STRANGE NAME IN THE WORLD". Taken aback they tried another name they both agreed on sundevanshow  this time it wasn't taken. They quickly set up the webcam / microphone and began. First they thought of juggling "no" sundance said "I don't have hands and you, my friend don't have thumbs". The next idea they tried was hopping about wildly like idiots. When they looked at the tape Devan beamed  and said "it looks beautiful doesn't it" and sighed dreamily gently nodding like even more of an idiot then on the tape until sundance said under her nose "get out of it devan, we don't need someone in a funk to help us upload it in case you haven't noticed I don't have THUMBS!" snapping out of her day-dream, devan said hurriedly "What" rather confused "we need typing" sundance said "and a spellchecker" "err, I know were to get a spellchecker" devan said (I think that it will save time if we just call Sundance Sun and Devan Dev) hastily typing in the website name. "www.spellchecker.com well, the name sounds helpful" said Sun "it is" said Dev.
         *END CHAPTER 1*

Good! I really like it, but it needs paragraphs and there are some small errors. Apart from that, it's really good!

Thank you! ^^

invadersundance wrote:

mintfang wrote:

Playdevanrowan39 wrote:

CHAPTER 1:
A squirrel and a nuthatch were bouncing along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a web cam pressed into one.Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures their names were Devon the squirrel and sundance the nuthatch. Anyway this duo was goanna make a youtube show. And it was goanna go VIRAL!!!!!. Do you think its goanna go viral Devon say's. Yes sad's sundance. Its certainly is goanna be interesting. I think so to said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the tall trees shaded from the rain. Sundance thought  "it wouid be nice to go back to my nest" and then another thought occurred "It wouid be even more wet" yuk. Devan said well, if we want to be on youtube we have to have an account. So what shouid be our username be? Inquired Sundance. "Well" replied Devan. Maybe it shouid be Devanandsundanceshow. "Sure" replied sundance. But when they typed it in the box it said "NAME TAKEN PLEASE PICK ANOTHER ONE" in an official red. Devan and Sundance Said in harmony "WHAT, THAT'S LIKE THE MOST STRANGE NAME IN THE WORLD". Taken aback they tried another name they both agreed on sundevanshow  this time it wasn't taken. They quickly set up the webcam / microphone and began. First they thought of juggling "no" sundance said "I don't have hands and you, my friend don't have thumbs". The next idea they tried was hopping about wildly like idiots. When they looked at the tape Devan beamed  and said "it looks beautiful doesn't it" and sighed dreamily gently nodding like even more of an idiot then on the tape until sundance said under her nose "get out of it devan, we don't need someone in a funk to help us upload it in case you haven't noticed I don't have THUMBS!" snapping out of her day-dream, devan said hurriedly "What" rather confused "we need typing" sundance said "and a spellchecker" "err, I know were to get a spellchecker" devan said (I think that it will save time if we just call Sundance Sun and Devan Dev) hastily typing in the website name. "www.spellchecker.com well, the name sounds helpful" said Sun "it is" said Dev.
         *END CHAPTER 1*

Good! I really like it, but it needs paragraphs and there are some small errors. Apart from that, it's really good!

Thank you! ^^

I agree, it's getting better. If you keep the storyline interesting and keep your grammar and spelling correct, it'll make a great story! Good luck!

Last edited by sparky2008123 (2012-11-20 00:49:06)