Scratch

CHAPTER 1:
A squrrl and a nuthatch were bouncing along the forest floor with a mystirous package shaped like a laptop and a web cam pressesd into one (FORSHADOWING!!!). Let me be more spasific about this pair of forest creatures their names were Devan the squrrl and sundance the nuthatch. Anyway this duo was gonna make a youtube show. And it was gonna go VIRAL!!!!!. Do you think its gonna go viral Devan say's. Yes say'd sundance. Its certainly is gonna be interesting. I think so to say'd Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees shaded from the rain. Sundance mudderd  under her breath it sure does rain a lot in the northwest. Devan sayd well, if we want to be on youtube we have to have an account.So what shouid be our username be? Inquired Sundance cheerfully. Well replied Devan. Maby it shouid be Devanandsundanceshow. shure replied sundance. *WILL BE CONTINUED TOMAROW*

Let me proofread this for you a little, at least to fix the most obvious mistakes.
"A squirrel and a nuthatch bounced along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a webcam pressed into one (FORESHADOWING!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan, the squirrel, and Sundance, the nuthatch. This duo was bent on making a YouTube series. And they hoped it would "go viral". "Do you think it's going to go viral?" Devan said. "Yes," said Sundance. "It's certainly going to be interesting." "I think so too," said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees shaded from the rain. "It sure does rain a lot in the northwest," grumbled Sundance. Devan said, "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account." "So what should be our username be?" inquired Sundance cheerfully. "Well," replied Devan, "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow." "Sure," replied Sundance. *WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*

Playdevanrowan39 wrote:

CHAPTER 1:
    A squirrel and a nuthatch were bouncing along the forest floor with a mystirous package shaped like a laptop and a web cam pressesd into one (FORSHADOWING!!!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan the squirrel and Sundance the nuthatch.
     Anyway, this duo was gonna make a YouTube show. And it was gonna go VIRAL!!!!!"
     Do you think its gonna go viral?" Devan says
     "Yes!" said Sundance." Its certainly is gonna be interesting."
     "I think so too." said Devan with a smile.
    Finally, they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees sheltered from the rain. Sundance muttered  under her breath it sure does rain a lot in the northwest. Devan says "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account. So what shouid be our username be?"Inquired Sundance cheerfully.
    "Well,"replied Devan. "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow."
    "Sure!" replied Sundance.
*WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*

Proofread to the max 

Last edited by mintfang (2012-11-14 06:57:02)

generosity wrote:

Let me proofread this for you a little, at least to fix the most obvious mistakes.
"A squirrel and a nuthatch bounced along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a webcam pressed into one (FORESHADOWING!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan, the squirrel, and Sundance, the nuthatch. This duo was bent on making a YouTube series. And they hoped it would "go viral". "Do you think it's going to go viral?" Devan said. "Yes," said Sundance. "It's certainly going to be interesting." "I think so too," said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees shaded from the rain. "It sure does rain a lot in the northwest," grumbled Sundance. Devan said, "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account." "So what should be our username be?" inquired Sundance cheerfully. "Well," replied Devan, "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow." "Sure," replied Sundance. *WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*

Mintfang wrote:

CHAPTER 1:
    A squirrel and a nuthatch were bouncing along the forest floor with a mystirous package shaped like a laptop and a web cam pressesd into one (FORSHADOWING!!!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan the squirrel and Sundance the nuthatch.
     Anyway, this duo was gonna make a YouTube show. And it was gonna go VIRAL!!!!!"
     Do you think its gonna go viral?" Devan says
     "Yes!" said Sundance." Its certainly is gonna be interesting."
     "I think so too." said Devan with a smile.
    Finally, they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees sheltered from the rain. Sundance muttered under her breath, "It sure does rain a lot in the northwest." Devan said "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account. So what shouid be our username be?"Inquired Sundance cheerfully.
    "Well,"replied Devan. "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow."
    "Sure!" replied Sundance.
*WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*
Proofread to the max

If you're going to re-proofread something, at least improve on the errors of the first.

Usually you don't say foreshadowing in the text. The reader is supposed to discover that later on when they read.

generosity wrote:

Let me proofread this for you a little, at least to fix the most obvious mistakes.
"A squirrel and a nuthatch bounced along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a webcam pressed into one (FORESHADOWING!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan, the squirrel, and Sundance, the nuthatch. This duo was bent on making a YouTube series. And they hoped it would "go viral". "Do you think it's going to go viral?" Devan said. "Yes," said Sundance. "It's certainly going to be interesting." "I think so too," said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees shaded from the rain. "It sure does rain a lot in the northwest," grumbled Sundance. Devan said, "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account." "So what should be our username be?" inquired Sundance cheerfully. "Well," replied Devan, "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow." "Sure," replied Sundance. *WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*

You made this account just to do that didn't you (whoever you are)? 

Uh...

This was weird in a lot of ways. Trying not to be mean here, but I'll try to give some constructive criticism, coming from a (sort of) experienced writer.

Your premise is uninteresting. A squirrel and a "nuthatch" (whatever that is) wanting to make a viral YouTube series? Really doesn't grab my attention--it's not something that people will want to, well, read.

Your plot is too rushed. You need to let the story flow at a nice pace. Don't just go:

(characters are established very quickly)
"Hur dur let's make a YouTube series"
"Yeah yeah lets do it"
"lets goooooo"

Keep it going at a good pace--take a couple of sentences (or more) to sort of describe your characters a bit more. Also describe a bit about where they live, and what they like to do together. Don't be rushing into the plot.

Also, your grammar and spelling is unsatisfactory (used the most polite word I could,  ). You should know that you are supposed to begin a new paragraph when someone new is speaking dialogue, and not to mention, use quotation marks! Plus, a lot of words were misspelled, which is incredibly distracting.

I appreciate the idea that you want to write a book, but you should try getting some more experience writing first. 

generosity wrote:

zubblewu wrote:

generosity wrote:

Let me proofread this for you a little, at least to fix the most obvious mistakes.
"A squirrel and a nuthatch bounced along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a webcam pressed into one (FORESHADOWING!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan, the squirrel, and Sundance, the nuthatch. This duo was bent on making a YouTube series. And they hoped it would "go viral". Do you think it's going to go viral?" Devan said. "Yes," said Sundance. "It's certainly going to be interesting." "I think so too," said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees shaded from the rain. "It sure does rain a lot in the northwest," grumbled Sundance. Devan said, "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account." "So what should be our username be?" inquired Sundance cheerfully. "Well," replied Devan, "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow." "Sure," replied Sundance. *WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*

You made this account just to do that didn't you (whoever you are)? 

False.
Okay, your turn.

Well then I was incorrect. Its just that that was your first post and you have no projects or anything, and correcting some errors could be called generosity.

nama wrote:

For those who are wondering, Nuthatch = Small bird that climbs in trees

Thank you

zubblewu wrote:

generosity wrote:

Let me proofread this for you a little, at least to fix the most obvious mistakes.
"A squirrel and a nuthatch bounced along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a webcam pressed into one (FORESHADOWING!). Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures. Their names were Devan, the squirrel, and Sundance, the nuthatch. This duo was bent on making a YouTube series. And they hoped it would "go viral". "Do you think it's going to go viral?" Devan said. "Yes," said Sundance. "It's certainly going to be interesting." "I think so too," said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the trees shaded from the rain. "It sure does rain a lot in the northwest," grumbled Sundance. Devan said, "Well, if we want to be on YouTube we have to have an account." "So what should be our username be?" inquired Sundance cheerfully. "Well," replied Devan, "Maybe it should be Devanandsundanceshow." "Sure," replied Sundance. *WILL BE CONTINUED TOMORROW*

You made this account just to do that didn't you (whoever you are)? 

No I did not.

CHAPTER 1:
A squirrel and a nuthatch were bouncing along the forest floor with a mysterious package shaped like a laptop and a web cam pressed into one.Let me be more specific about this pair of forest creatures their names were Devon the squirrel and sundance the nuthatch. Anyway this duo was goanna make a youtube show. And it was goanna go VIRAL!!!!!. Do you think its goanna go viral Devon say's. Yes sad's sundance. Its certainly is goanna be interesting. I think so to said Devan with a smile. Finally they reached their destination, a small clearing that the tall trees shaded from the rain. Sundance thought  "it wouid be nice to go back to my nest" and then another thought occurred "It wouid be even more wet" yuk. Devan said well, if we want to be on youtube we have to have an account. So what shouid be our username be? Inquired Sundance. "Well" replied Devan. Maybe it shouid be Devanandsundanceshow. "Sure" replied sundance. But when they typed it in the box it said "NAME TAKEN PLEASE PICK ANOTHER ONE" in an official red. Devan and Sundance Said in harmony "WHAT, THAT'S LIKE THE MOST STRANGE NAME IN THE WORLD". Taken aback they tried another name they both agreed on sundevanshow  this time it wasn't taken. They quickly set up the webcam / microphone and began. First they thought of juggling "no" sundance said "I don't have hands and you, my friend don't have thumbs". The next idea they tried was hopping about wildly like idiots. When they looked at the tape Devan beamed  and said "it looks beautiful doesn't it" and sighed dreamily gently nodding like even more of an idiot then on the tape until sundance said under her nose "get out of it devan, we don't need someone in a funk to help us upload it in case you haven't noticed I don't have THUMBS!" snapping out of her day-dream, devan said hurriedly "What" rather confused "we need typing" sundance said "and a spellchecker" "err, I know were to get a spellchecker" devan said (I think that it will save time if we just call Sundance Sun and Devan Dev) hastily typing in the website name. "www.spellchecker.com well, the name sounds helpful" said Sun "it is" said Dev.
         *END CHAPTER 1*

bananaman114 wrote:

Your writing could use some serious editing (as seen above) and you're concept needs work.

bananaman114 wrote:

you're concept needs work.

bananaman114 wrote:

you're concept

mfw