Scratch

soupoftomato wrote:

For some reason I expected this poem to be a posting of something about Emily Dickinson even though I read the name right.

It's a bit blatant, to be honest. The rhyme and metre is good but the message is actually very flat because it's all rather directly and obviously stated,

Thanks, any ideas on how to make it less blatant?

Last edited by imnotbob (2012-08-23 23:01:38)

soupoftomato wrote:

imnotbob wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

For some reason I expected this poem to be a posting of something about Emily Dickinson even though I read the name right.

It's a bit blatant, to be honest. The rhyme and metre is good but the message is actually very flat because it's all rather directly and obviously stated,

Thanks, any ideas on how to make it less blatant?

I don't know.

I'm not particularly good with poetry but make clear the intended message but with metaphor and such.

This one is good. It's clear it's about being socially outcast but also much more than that:

Emily Dickinson wrote:

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog – 
To tell one's name – the livelong June – 
To an admiring Bog!

Hmm, I'll think about ways to make it better. Thanks!

It's good to like imply instead of stating directly

Some random examples of this, but you'll find it in quite a lot of poems are: The Child Who Walks Backwards by Lorna Crozier and milly and molly and maggie and may by ee cummings

I only mention them because one we read in school and one is something I found on the Internet, and I liked both
But uh
It's exceedingly random as a many/most/almost all? poems imply

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-08-23 23:50:27)

bananaman114 wrote:

Hmm
I have a couple of complaints
'like a squirrel' like I get metaphor and whatever uh
word slipped my mind
comparing things to other things
but I've seen some really really lazy squirrels
and comparing things like that
it feels forced
like you sat there for a bit and was like 'what rhymes with girl'
and comparing things like that is almost cliche now
and a lot of comparisons of the sort become cliche (vice like grip, cold as ice, etc.)

'horrible thoughts that go from floor to ceiling'
thoughts don't take up any amount of physical space unless you make them to do so. That's why we have art. (that's also why they're thoughts. nobody can see them from a physical perspective.)
you might want to consider rewriting that

'what you don't see is the girl inside'
hmm for some reason I would consider writing that as 'but you don't see the girl inside'
because that's just how I do things yo.
Just a suggestion

now for stuff I like about it!!   
'in another life, you'll see her again'
I'm not religious or anything but i think that was a good way to put that
high five!

'darkened state of mind'
I like this
it kind of implies that this wasn't always the way things were
and that this darkness has almost become like
a significant part of her
kudos to you

good job

Thank you 
In response,

Yeah I really suck at rhyming then  I figured if she's energetic, she's as energetic as a squirrel
Then I thought, squirrel, girl.

Well it's obviously not literally floor to ceiling =P

Well it would work, I think it sounds better the first way. Thanks, though


*high fives back*

That's pretty much it. I was thinking, Maybe this shouldn't be like she always was. Maybe she was happy at first and that's why nobody suspects anything. I wonder if the reader could figure this out?

samurai768 wrote:

I think a good way to not be blatant is to over-show her outside self, and at the last line show an inconsistency in her masquerade- like if she is always smiling, have someone find her alone crying somewhere, or if she is exceptionally good at sports and is really energetic, have her fall during a game and it be revealed she has many other injuries that she didn't want to talk about. It makes it more believable that the character has been hiding something if the reader doesn't figure it out until someone else does in the poem or story c:

I was thinking about that. Thanks!

Wickimen wrote:

It's good to like imply instead of stating directly

Some random examples of this, but you'll find it in quite a lot of poems are: The Child Who Walks Backwards by Lorna Crozier and milly and molly and maggie and may by ee cummings

I only mention them because one we read in school and one is something I found on the Internet, and I liked both
But uh
It's exceedingly random as a many/most/almost all? poems imply

I wasn't thinking
If you knew me you'd understand better, but my brain kinda goes like half to sleep at about 3:30

Last edited by imnotbob (2012-08-24 16:44:23)

Girl and squirrel don't rhyme in my accent :C
It's good for a first-ish attempt but like others have said-not veiled
If you wrote from another viewpoint, like one of her friends from birth and they slowly drifted away
And then they find her, like samurai said, alone