Scratch

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

so I'm going to be a total moron here
and write FROM THE HIP
that's right!
send you the ORIGINAL DRAFT
written right here in the scratch forums text editor! whoo!
I'm gon trai somthang new and hope for the best
:I


The boy from the present and the girl from the past had met at a crossroads, so it was  fitting that they were to reunite at one. She had come a long way to see what she had once, and what she hadn't before. Of course some things had changed in the four years since she lived there, but it didn't matter. She had him now.
 
   And he had her. He felt like he didn't know her anymore. He knew who she was when she was with him, but four years had passed since then. He felt like he didn't need to, though. She was as close to him as he was to himself. She was him. And he could be him with her.

He told her of the present, and what had changed in the four long years past.
And she told him of hers, and who she had become and what she had done and who she had met. And their presents intertwined again. They were in their present again.

But alas they came again to a crossroads, and she rode off west to the setting sun. To tomorrow.
And it was his turn to go chasing after her.

Okky dokk this is short so I'll just get to it straight off

Now then

I honestly don't have much to change about this; I like it a lot, as I said before, plus it's not too long so like
Yeah

The only grammatical things are some paragraphs aren't indented and stuff, and uh
You started 3 sentences with 'and,' I don't actually think it's a problem, but I only mention in case you this was unintentional as this was a coldwrite (but I doubt that)

ANYWAY
Stylistically, I would change absolutely nothing
Except that "rode off west to the setting sun" seems the slightest bit cliche; I dunno
And that is all really
I really like it 

I'm going to correct YOU! :>
' in case you this was unintentional'
lol I think you're UNFIT to correct my work! 

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Okky dokk this is short so I'll just get to it straight off

Now then

I honestly don't have much to change about this; I like it a lot, as I said before, plus it's not too long so like
Yeah

The only grammatical things are some paragraphs aren't indented and stuff, and uh
You started 3 sentences with 'and,' I don't actually think it's a problem, but I only mention in case you this was unintentional as this was a coldwrite (but I doubt that)

ANYWAY
Stylistically, I would change absolutely nothing
Except that "rode off west to the setting sun" seems the slightest bit cliche; I dunno
And that is all really
I really like it 

I'm going to correct YOU! :>
' in case you this was unintentional'
lol I think you're UNFIT to correct my work! 

I already knew this, actually, but felt it unprofessional to say so

since this is a shop i'm going to charge you 6 golden nickels
because I corrected you
I would have charged you 12 but you edited my work too so
i have to pay you some how

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

I already knew this, actually, but felt it unprofessional to say so

since this is a shop i'm going to charge you 6 golden nickels
because I corrected you
I would have charged you 12 but you edited my work too so
i have to pay you some how

Take your dang nickels
I hate them anyway

I'm giving them back
in pure spite >

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Take your dang nickels
I hate them anyway

I'm giving them back
in pure spite >

A thousand curses rain down upon you!

why is it raining swear words?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

we should get back on topic now

Have been working on a new story...


Chapter One

    The sun had risen bright and the sky clear on the day Skipper Boreon was banished from Cartian.  The fifteen-year-old glanced once over his shoulder and saw Cartian’s large stone walls and the hard-faced guards behind him.  Swallowing hard, he tried to not think of his two younger sisters, alone within Cartian’s walls.
    Hefting the small sack of belongings he’d been allowed to bring, Skip looked ahead, to the road stretching far into the distance.  In the distance, he could see the dreaded Dust Plains – a place that to traverse would be a walking death.
    As Skipper paused to look over more his shoulder, a guard called to him, “Get a move on, thief!”
    The boy bit his lip at the injustice of it all.  Years ago, when Skip was only nine, his mother had died.  Pneumonia, the doctor had said.  “Doctor” meaning their neighbor with knowledge of medicine.  But even every trick she knew had not been enough to save Skip’s mother.
    Two years later, his dad was caught stealing food for the family and exiled.
    Like father, like son.
    Grimly setting his eyes upon the horizon, Skip trudged along.  He was going to be okay, and so were his sisters, Jalia and Winter.
   
Chapter Two

    Day gradually turned to evening, then to night.  Skip had reached the Dust Plains.  All he could see as he set up camp was flat, dry, hard plains, and the road, and the tiny dark speck that was Cartian, far in the distance.
    Skip managed to salvage a little firewood and make a small fire.  From the sack he produced a small piece of dried meat and a little bread.  Skip warmed the meat over the fire, on a stick, as he munched on the bread.  [i[A little stale,[/i] he thought, but that’s nothing really.
    After eating, the fire was burning to embers.  Sleep washing over Skip, he lay down, using his arm as a pillow.  The cold breezes of the Dust Plains made him shiver, but he gradually became less aware of them.
    Then he was asleep.

    Skip dreamed that night, one of those unforgettable dreams.  He was standing in front of a giant wooden gate, set in huge black stone walls.  Beyond that, a castle stood, massive and magnificent.
    A voice echoed through his thoughts. “Skipper Boreon.  You have been banished from your home, as have we.  We know your pain.  Come and we will help you.”
    The voice sounded like…well, Skip didn’t exactly know, but it was strangely familiar.  The gates swung open and a recognizable person stood there, but he couldn’t tell why the person was so familiar.  Skip couldn’t see the person’s face well enough.

    That was when he woke.  The cold winds of the Dust Plains chilled his face, but all he could think of was the dream.  It haunted his mind.  Where was this place?
    All he knew was that he must get there.

Chapter Three

    As Skip struggled down the road that day, he noticed something.  Maybe, he thought, it’s a mirage.  But then again, maybe not. 
    It was a building, far on the horizon.  As Skip drew closer, fighting the soil-filled winds of the Dust Plains every step of the way, he could see that it looked like a castle.
    Could…could that be it? Skip thought eagerly.  As he stood staring into the distance, he noticed the small figure swiftly making its way to him. 
    The figure wasn’t a kid.  It was a middle-aged man, his hair brownish-gray, the stubble of a gray beard covering his chin.  The man, though barely five-foot-two and a couple inches shorter than Skip, seemed strong enough to snap Skip’s arm with almost no effort.
    “Skipper?” The man asked in an almost unbelieving tone.  Suddenly, Skip realized why the man in his dreams had seemed so known.
    “Dad!” Skip ran into the man’s outstretched arms, smiling and laughing.
    “You’ve grown,” said Orion, grinning. “Come on, the Council is waiting to meet you.”
    “So,” Orion asked as they walked, “stealing?”
    Skipper shrugged, but quickly said, “Yeah.”
    As they caught up on everything that had happened since Orion had been exiled, the castle grew ever closer.

Chapter Four

    Skip stared, dumbfounded at the sheer size of the castle, appropriately named Mystique.  It was about the same size as Cartian!  The castle reared up like a massive mountain, the walls standing sentinel around it.
    “Home sweet home,” Orion commented, then proceeded to knock on the heavy oak gate.
    It swung open, pushed open by an important-looking person who nodded approvingly at Orion.
    Orion bowed stiffly. “King, I have brought my son Skipper here, exiled for stealing.”
    The King nodded curtly. “You did well, Orion.  Bring the boy inside for questioning.”
    Skip stayed put, not quite sure if he wanted to enter the castle. “Come on,” Orion whispered commandingly. “When the king says to do something, you jump to it.”
    Skip nodded and followed his dad through the doors and into the castle.  As he did, he heard a bell ringing, deep and strong and loud.  He looked in the direction of the noise. 
    A tower, open at the top, sported a giant bell at the top.  A boy rung it with all his strength, the bell sounds reverberating strong and clear throughout the land.
    “Dad, who’s that?” Skip pointed to the boy ringing the bell.
    “That’s Rei.”
    “He’s a good bell ringer.”
    “She.”
    “What?”
    “She’s a good bell ringer.  Rei’s a girl.  She’s the king’s niece, but I think she’s better than her uncle.”
    Skip nodded slowly.  He glanced up again at the small girl ringing the bell loud and clear.  That was a girl?
    “Come on.  You don’t keep the king waiting.”



Wicki, are you doing Camp NaNoWriMo this month?

Sorry I mysteriously went missing, did anybody by any chance post poetry? 

I call it "The Cure". I dreamed of it one night, and then I got up early to write it. Sorry, it's unedited, so it's pretty bad. xD

Prologue

It was a time of darkness in the year 2109. Most cities were poor, at best. The air was thick with leftover smog. If you were to glance around cities and streets, you would see broken buildings and sick people and animals. Both time and war had taken their toll on the once-busy cities. People everywhere were desperate to hold on to the last scraps of hope that remained.
In fact, soon word got out that a scientist had invented a panacea. He buried it in a treasure chest that was spoken of to be hidden somewhere few would find it.
That was news that all these dying people wanted to hear. The people divided into three enormous countries. The smallest country fled, saying the healers in their group interpreted messages saying the cure would only cause bloodshed.
The other two countries were equal in size. They soon started sending out search parties of about 50 people at a time to look for the panacea. The scientist who created the cure had died, and so the two countries had no clue about where to look.
Soon, the people grew stronger and healthier again, fueled by their desire to turn their world into a better place. However, that all changed.
Two patrols, one sent by each country, collided.
“What are you doing on my land?” the leader of the first country spat.
“This is my land!” the leader of the second country boomed, his eyes glinting like fire.
“You better not step foot here again,” the first leader spoke in an icy tone.
The second country leader grimaced. “If you openly threaten us like that, then I have no choice… but to declare war.”   
~~~~~~~~~
For years, war raged, threatening to once again overtake the world and destroy all. Patrols swarmed around the border that split the different people. Every month, both countries sent a group of about 10 people to find the legendary panacea. They all failed. And the third country, the one hidden away, was never heard of again, until one fateful night. A guard, patrolling around the gate to his country, was approached by a young man. The guard narrowed his eyes.
“What do you want?” his voice rasped in his throat.
The young man looked as if he were under twenty years old. He dipped his head respectfully to the gray-haired guard. “There is news from the Hidden Country… they have found the panacea.”

Last edited by fireheartocean (2012-08-07 20:39:02)

bananaman114 wrote:

I'm going to come back to editing here again :>
my edits will be in parenthesis cause colour is too HARD and I'm LAZY.

fireheartocean wrote:

I call it "The Cure". I dreamed of it one night, and then I got up early to write it. Sorry, it's unedited(not for long), so it's pretty bad. xD

Prologue

It was a time of darkness in the year 2109. Most cities were poor, at best(what's worse?). The air was thick with leftover smog. If you were to glance around cities and streets, you would see broken buildings and sick people and animals.(hmm. maybe not 'if you were to glance around'. I wonder if you could phrase it like 'sick people lay strewn around the streets' or something? also two ands! nono) Both time and war had taken their toll on the once-busy cities. People everywhere were desperate to hold on to the last scraps of hope that remained.(I likey!)
In fact, soon word got out that a scientist had invented a panacea (nice word!). He buried it in a treasure chest that was spoken of to be hidden somewhere few would find it. (why would he do that?)
That was news that all these dying people wanted to hear. The people divided into three enormous countries.(why?) The smallest country fled, saying the healers in their group interpreted messages saying the cure would only cause bloodshed.
The other two countries were equal in size.(Timmy, you'll be a one. Tommy, you'll be a two) They soon started sending out search parties of about 50 people at a time to look for the panacea. The scientist who created the cure had died, and so the two countries had no clue about where to look.
Soon, the people grew stronger and healthier again, fueled by their desire to turn their world into a better place. However, that all changed. (that was quick. Dont do it like that! you cant say it was one way then it changed in the space of one paragraph. it seems too sudden)
Two patrols, one sent by each country, collided.
“What are you doing on my land?” the leader of the first country spat.
“This is my land!” the leader of the second country boomed, his eyes glinting like fire.
“You better not step foot here again,” the first leader spoke in an icy tone.
The second country leader grimaced. “If you openly threaten us like that, then I have no choice… but to declare war.”   (I'm pretty sure youre average patrol doesn't have the ability to declare war)
~~~~~~~~~
For years, war raged, threatening to once again overtake the world and destroy all. Patrols swarmed around the border that split the different people. Every month, both countries sent a group of about 10 people to find the legendary panacea. They all failed. And the third country, the one hidden away, was never heard of again, until one fateful night.(that's a cliche!) A guard, patrolling around the gate to his country, was approached by a young man. The guard narrowed his eyes.
“What do you want?” his voice rasped in his throat.
The young man looked as if he were under twenty years old. He dipped his head respectfully to the gray-haired guard. “There is news from the Hidden Country… they have found the panacea.”

That was an interesting idea
i like it
but i think that it could have been done beter
but i don't know how!

Thank you for the critique! I hadn't worked on it much yet, so it was therefore quite fail-y. I'll start working on it some more and try to make it better.

PP01's:


The Trials
Chapter 1:
-----------------

I wake up one morning, confused. I don't even know who or where I am. Okay. It's intriguing and all, but it's, sadly, a cliche. As I constantly remind people, your first sentence is what will of course give the lasting first impression. You don't want everyone to think, "How dumb and cliche, I'm not reading something exactly like every other 'omg i cant remebr who i m' story ever written." You yourself know that it is going to be different, but readers won't often give it a chance due to a bad first impression. You have to show that it's different from the very beginning.  I find myself to be in what seems to be an abandoned castle. See, this is important stuff, but you need to present it interestingly: show, don't tell. How do you know it's a castle? Give us sensory clues.
I look around, at all the old paintings and trinkets, all lined up in cabinets and along and over tables. It seems someone has lived here a long time ago. Yeah, like that. You need to describe things like that; perhaps even more in depth. Paintings of what? Dusty tables? Rusted trinkets? We don't know. My estimate is what, maybe a/one hundred solid numbers like one hundred, one thousand, six million are written as words; actually, I always write them as words unless I have a reason not to years ago?  I even saw cobwebs and vines hanging all around the place. What do you mean by "I even saw"? I saw this stuff. I even saw this other, unrelated stuff. What? It was also very dim. I took out the "with no lighting". We can infer there is no lighting because you already said it's dim This place is a mess, I thought to myself.
Outside in the courtyard, I saw a cave in the ground, with a light blue glow seeping out. Wait, what? You don't even say there's a window, and all the sudden he's looking at the courtyard. Because of my curiosity, I decide to go in. Wait, what? He's inside a castle and all the sudden he's in a courtyard. You didn't even say anything about him (her?) finding stairs or walking outside, he's just there all the sudden. It's rather confusing. What? There's no use putting something like this down, it's a good time to find something like treasure, or even find out who I am and what my role is in life. Awkward phrasing. Also, he's more interested in treasure than finding out about who he is? Treasure is the first thing that comes to mind when you see a cave with blue light in it? I really don't understand.
The was a lot of air pressure down there, almost pushing me away. Air pressure pushes you away? It was exactly what I knew it was going to be: a portal. See, this really frustrates me. How the heck does he know? The guy doesn't even know his own name. Unless it's some understanding slipping into his memory, because he knew what it was before he got this random doubt of amnesia, then it doesn't make sense. And if that's the case, you need to explain. Something like: "Strangely, I felt that it would be a portal, and somehow this supsicion was confirmed when--" It was bright, it blinded me slightly. But what should I have done? I was wondering where it would lead me... but I could also get killed by trying to find out. But why turn down such an experience? I (think) I've always been such an adventurer. Good sentence
I wasn't going to be a "scardy-cat" and scared and turn back. You can't say both "scardey-cat" and "scared". One or the other. I'd say use scared, but if you insist on saying scaredy-cat, then there's an e, and remove the quotation marks. So I hopped in.
Maybe... fate is trying to tell me something. I'd like this, but it feels a bit cliche...I mean "fate is trying to tell me something"? That's totally not overdone! I suggest you reword it into something fresher. Avoid cliches if it's at all possible. They're used so often, they just lose their descriptive power [thank you Cultural Terms] I mean, the fact that I find myself awakening in an old run-down castle near a portal? That HAS TO mean something.
So here I am now, in a creepy stronghold-like place. I am searching for a way out right now. Wait, what is that? I see giant pillars, floating along... lava? Oh gosh, this won't be fun. I found a sign and it read: You really need to describe things more.
Trial Of The Firebird:
Only thy brave will attempt getting across!
So, the brave huh? I'm brave. So, I tried jumping across. Don't begin so many sentences with 'so' I found out that the heat was too hot for me to bear heat too hot? rephrase please, so "so" again I realized I had to turn back until I was properly suited. Properly suited?
So "so" again! I just jumped back through the portal, visiting the surface. But this place doesn't seem like it did when I found myself here... it looked even more dangerous than before. But in the distance, I could see a building. I walked towards it.

Mmkay. You use too many cliches and the word "so" incredibly often, especially towards the end. Also, I'd like it if you could describe things more. The story is very two-dimensional without it. It's too early to tell about characterization, so I will not comment. You do, however, have good grammar for the most part. I like your idea a lot, too! It seems like you're just trying to rush it, though, and not taking time to flesh it out a bit more. Remember to go back, read what you've written--even aloud, if you must, to see how it flows--and constantly ask yourself, "Have I set the scene? Does this work? Do I need less here, or more there?"

Wickimen wrote:

Animeboy's:



I'm the kid who always is a few years behind everyone else. Interesting first sentence. No, scratch that, about seven or eight years. I'm a wimp. No one likes me. This makes your character seem a little whiny and unlikable. However, you have, at least, given him some sort of personality.

Compared to most boys, I hate everything all the stupid jocks and boys are into. This sentence doesn't work, grammatically. Change it to just "I hate everything all the stupid jocks and boys are into" or something. I'm different. How many times have we heard the lament, "I'm so /different/, booohoo, I've got no friends"? Even my preschool little sister says I'm crazy. Haha, I do like this detail. But what fourteen-year-old kid really cares what his baby sister thinks?

I'm in eighth. I have no friends. No nothing. No life. I get good grades, but I don't have anybody to talk to. All I've got are toys.

My dad keeps telling me to "man up," but I never listen. Stuffed animals are my only friends. My baby blanket is, to me, like an XBOX or special baseball is to someone else. I'm going into ninth grade, but I still remember when I was told to give up what I have got.

It was in fifth grade. This is the third time you've mentioned his grade level. Back in fifth grade, I had a friend. He's gone to a different school now. I was in social group, and my best friend was sitting next to me, with his beloved stuffed shark from fifth grade. It was hard for me. Hard for him. We'd been together since kindergarten. Nice detail

My social group teacher said to my friend, "Francis, that shark will make you stand out next year. In a bad way." Tears were starting to come down my face. "And, Miller, your cat needs to go." I looked at him. I've had him since I was two. Yikes, sounds like a mean person. But would a social group teacher really say something so blunt and horrible to a poor kid? What about celebration of uniqueness and not caring what others think about you? It just doesn't feel realistic. However, your character has emotion and personality, which some don't, which is a good thing. You just have to make sure he's a bit more likable. Don't think it's because he's a bit weird and carries a stuffed animal to school; that's not it. I mean like, make sure people can actually relate to him in ways, and have him complain less

Unlike most kids, that special stuffed animal always ends up looking like it's been through a war the next couple years. A nice description (albeit a bit grammatically messed up, please fix it to clarify--I'm not quite sure what you meant it to say), but from my experience, lots of kids who love their stuffed animals end up with them looking a bit ragged. My kitty, Mr. Meow (as I called him when I was two), was almost as special, if not more special, than my baby blanket. I went back to the class, packed up, got on the bus, left the bus, and walked home. Err. Kind of abrupt and quick
I came home, tears down my face. You said 'tears down my face' last paragraph. Maybe a variant to make it less repetitive.

You could make your paragraphs a bit longer, and there's a few things I mentioned that should be improved, but it's a good beginning   

I was getting ready to review this the other day, but honestly, the character was SO unlikable.

"BOOHOO, I'm a whiny little wimp who carries stuffed animals with him as a teenager. Did I mention EVERY other boy is a freaking idiot? Yeah, they are. Now feel sorry for me"

Pluto's:

Chapter One

    The sun had risen bright and the sky clear on the day Skipper Boreon was banished from Cartian.  I like your character's name, as well as the name of the place "Cartian" The fifteen-year-old glanced once over his shoulder and saw Cartian’s large stone walls and the hard-faced good describing word  guards behind him.  Swallowing hard, he tried to not think of his two younger sisters, alone within Cartian’s walls.
    Hefting the small sack of belongings he’d been allowed to bring, Skip looked ahead, to the road stretching far into the distance.  Your last two sentences are the same structure, perhaps change one for variation?    Because they're both ____ing, _______. ___ing, ______. In the distance, he could see the dreaded Dust Plains – a place that to traverse would be a walking death. Nice sentence
    As Skipper paused to look over more his shoulder, a guard called to him, “Get a move on, thief!”
    The boy bit his lip at the injustice of it all.  Years ago, when Skip was only nine, his mother had died.  Pneumonia, the doctor had said.  “Doctor” meaning their neighbor with knowledge of medicine.  But even every trick she knew had not been enough to save Skip’s mother. I like the backstory and all, but I'm not quite sure how it fits in with the current happenings
    Two years later, his dad was caught stealing food for the family and exiled.
    Like father, like son.
    Grimly setting his eyes upon the horizon, Skip trudged along.  He was going to be okay, and so were his sisters, Jalia and Winter. I like the first sentence of this paragraph; not so sure about the second. Seems a bit of an odd statement, unless it's just his own thoughts: in which case, maybe you could make it a bit clearer by saying "He was going to be okay, he reassured himself"

I like your chapters, but they're a bit short
   
Chapter Two

    Day gradually turned to evening, then to night.  Skip had reached the Dust Plains. It seems to be going a bit fast  All he could see as he set up camp was flat, dry, hard plains, and the road, and the tiny dark speck that was Cartian, far in the distance.
    Skip managed to salvage a little firewood and make a small fire.  From the sack he produced a small piece of dried meat and a little bread.  Skip warmed the meat over the fire, on a stick, as he munched on the bread.  A little stale, he thought, but that’s nothing really.
    After eating, the fire was burning to embers.  Sleep washing over Skip, he lay down, using his arm as a pillow.  The cold breezes of the Dust Plains made him shiver, but he gradually became less aware of them.
    Then he was asleep.

    Skip dreamed that night, one of those unforgettable dreams.  He was standing in front of a giant wooden gate, set in huge black stone walls.  Beyond that, a castle stood, massive and magnificent.
    A voice echoed through his thoughts. “Skipper Boreon.  You have been banished from your home, as have we.  We know your pain.  Come and we will help you.”
    The voice sounded like…well, Skip didn’t exactly know, but it was strangely familiar.  The gates swung open and a recognizable person stood there, but he couldn’t tell why the person was so familiar.  Skip couldn’t see the person’s face well enough. You said 'person' three times. Change it up a bit maybe?

    That was when he woke.  The cold winds of the Dust Plains chilled his face, but all he could think of was the dream.  It haunted his mind.  Where was this place?
    All he knew was that he must get there.

Chapter Three

    As Skip struggled down the road that day, he noticed something.  Maybe, he thought, it’s a mirage.  But then again, maybe not.
    It was a building, far on the horizon.  As Skip drew closer, fighting the soil-filled winds of the Dust Plains every step of the way, he could see that it looked like a castle.
    Could…could that be it? Skip thought eagerly.  As he stood staring into the distance, he noticed the small figure swiftly making its way to him.
    The figure wasn’t a kid.  It was a middle-aged man, his hair brownish-gray, the stubble of a gray beard covering his chin.  The man, though barely five-foot-two and a couple inches shorter than Skip, seemed strong enough to snap Skip’s arm with almost no effort.
    “Skipper?” The man asked in an almost unbelieving tone.  Suddenly, Skip realized why the man in his dreams had seemed so recognizable.
    “Dad!” Skip ran into the man’s outstretched arms, smiling and laughing.
    “You’ve grown,” said Orion, grinning. “Come on, the Council is waiting to meet you.”
    “So,” he continued as they walked, “stealing?”
    Skipper shrugged, but quickly said, “Yeah.”
    As they caught up on everything that had happened since Orion had been exiled, the castle grew ever closer.
suspenssse

Chapter Four

    Skip stared, dumbfounded at the sheer size of the castle, appropriately named Mystique.  It was about the same size as Cartian!  The castle reared up like a massive mountain, the walls standing sentinel around it. I really like that last sentence.
    “Home sweet home,” Orion commented, then proceeded to knock on the heavy oak gate.
    It swung open, pushed open by an important-looking person who nodded approvingly at Orion. What does he look like?
    Orion bowed stiffly. “King, I have brought my son Skipper here, exiled for stealing.”
    The King nodded curtly. “You did well, Orion.  Bring the boy inside for questioning.”
    Skip stayed put, not quite sure if he wanted to enter the castle. “Come on,” Orion whispered commandingly. “When the king says to do something, you jump to it.”
    Skip nodded and followed his dad through the doors and into the castle.  As he did, he heard a bell ringing, deep and strong and loud.  He looked in the direction of the noise.
    A tower, open at the top, sported a giant bell at the top.  A boy rung it with all his strength, the bell sounds reverberating strong and clear throughout the land. Nice descrip, but you already used the word "strong" last paragraph--maybe replace with some sort of synonym? I'm nitpicky about repetitiveness
    “Dad, who’s that?” Skip pointed to the boy ringing the bell.
    “That’s Rei.”
    “He’s a good bell ringer,” he remarked. I'm not sure why, it just made it feel more complete to add that.
    “She.”
    “What?”
    “She’s a good bell ringer.  Rei’s a girl.  She’s the king’s niece, but I think she’s better than her uncle.”
    Skip nodded slowly.  He glanced up again at the small girl ringing the bell loud and clear.  That was a girl?
    “Come on.  You don’t keep the king waiting.”
Your best chapter thus far^^

Nice story! I'm curious to know about Rei. Thanks for running it by me, I like it a lot and I'd love to see what's next 
Absolutely no grammar problems too, yay
One thing I'd like to see though, a bit more description of surroundings/people

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-08-08 20:39:10)

I tried writing a one sentence story for the forum topic "I wrote a sentence", and I know that it is good to some extent, but it is probably riddled with grammatical mistakes. Could you take a look at it? Remember that it is supposed to be one sentence long.

Anyhow, here it is:

Once upon a time, there was a desolate world that was mainly made out of burning rocks with a vast, barren, cold space beyond and there was nothing moving save for the sea of lava that was the All Great Devourer, which made everything so intolerably hot that iron could melt right on the spot, so hot that the tons of asteroids that pounded the surface day to day, leaving only more destruction in their wake, had little chance of surviving in its wrath, but then a strange reaction took place, a strange one that has never been seen before, one so chemically complex that modern trinkets couldn't even compete with it for it was the beginning of something completely new; which as the sea turned into water, and the land became more temperate, was the beginning of life, a wondrous event, which made a tiny spec which is what created all of what we see today, and many more things to come in the future, but in its humble beginnings, it was only a tiny spec in a grand world, just a piece of the puzzle that had just begun to form, on a world that was barely out of its infancy, that had been waiting for so long to continue with its destiny.

Thanks!

Last edited by ErnieParke (2012-08-08 22:18:05)