Scratch

alldaykade28471 wrote:

Is mine coming up? 

Yes.

(Also, sorry ImagineIt, but I've got it covered for now so please don't review anymore)

Heres an idea i have. Please rate so far. more chapters are coming.

I'm the kid who always is a few years behind everyone else. No, scratch that, about 8 or 7 years. I'm a wimp. No one likes me.

Compared to most boys, I hate everything all the stupid jocks and boys are into. I'm different. Even my preschool little sister says i'm crazy.

I'm in 8th. No friends. No nothing. No life. I get good grades, but i don't have any body to talk to. All i've got are toys.

My dad keeps telling me to "man up" i never listen. Stuffed animals are my only friends. My baby blanket is replaced my every boys XBOX or special base ball. I'm going into 9th. I still remember when i was told to give up what i have got.

It was 5th. Back in 5th,i had a friend. He's gone to a different school. I was in social group, and my best friend was sitting next to me, with his beloved stuffed shark from 1st. It was hard for me. Hard for him. We've been together since kindergarten.

My social group teacher said to my friend "Francis, that shark will make you stand out next year. In a bad way." Tears were starting to come down my face. "And, Miller, your cat needs to go." I looked at him. I've had him since i was 2.

Unlike most kids, that special stuffed animal always ends up looking like it's been through a war the next couple years. My kitty, Mr. Meow [as i called him when i was 2.]
Was almost as special if not more special than my baby blanket. I went back to the class, packed up, got on the bus, left the bus, and now walking home.
I came home, tears down my face.

Last edited by Animeboy975 (2012-06-19 16:42:44)

KitKaat wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

ImagineIt wrote:

If you don't like it, then why didn't you just use your old version? :?

First, reviewing is part of the package and you didn't give much in way of it. I assume the person was expecting some but just ended up with what you offered. (Looking back on it, you gave no actual opinions on the work)

Second, more extensive editing too. It's not just if you see an actual grammar/spelling mistake but if something is worded weird, wordy, or not effective enough.

I no longer need to write a lengthy reply. ^^

After I finish with alldaykade's (getting to his right now!), would you like me to do a second review?

soupoftomato wrote:

KitKaat wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

First, reviewing is part of the package and you didn't give much in way of it. I assume the person was expecting some but just ended up with what you offered. (Looking back on it, you gave no actual opinions on the work)

Second, more extensive editing too. It's not just if you see an actual grammar/spelling mistake but if something is worded weird, wordy, or not effective enough.

I no longer need to write a lengthy reply. ^^

After I finish with alldaykade's (getting to his right now!), would you like me to do a second review?

Ohey, I'm having this closed until I can use a better computer so that I can continue    Apologies for the delay.

Wickimen wrote:

Ohey, I'm having this closed until I can use a better computer so that I can continue    Apologies for the delay.

Okey dokey! Good luck on finding better equipment to use. 

Thank you Paddle    ^^

I got alldaykade's finished, and I'm working on the others:


Fighting Jeff

In a town named Rusty Lake, there was a boy named Jeff. Mmkay. I realize that you're just getting started and you're eager to let us know what's going on, but first sentences make a lasting impression. How many times have you heard this 'In ____, there lived a ___ named ____' opening? As a writer, it's easy and handy, so you do it, but readers don't like it. There's many ways to make this into an interesting first sentence. You could describe his house or where he lives, which is still a little cliche, but still more interesting: In a town called Rusty Lake, there sat a large gray-and-white house in which a boy named Jeff--okay, like that sort of ish, but like, not bad. Jeff was about twelve years old, and he I don't know, the word 'dwelled' doesn't seem to work here lived with his dad and his sister. His mother had died in a tragic car accident a few years ago.   Okay, that last sentence is an important detail and all, but it's not good to state everything outright. The paragraph would probably be better off without that sentence. When you say he lives with his father and sister, it's clear that his mom isn't there, and you can slowly reveal why later.
One day here's an opportunity to give details! One blue October day...One stifling August day in the late afternoon...One sleepy December morning, when the town woke up to snow on the grass...that last being doubtful, as there's a snake, but still, describe what sort of day it was!, when Jeff was walking to school with his best friend Sam, Sam noticed a snake on the road! It was about two feet long, if not, more! Jeff thought it was a Rattlesnake, but Sam thought it was a Musketeer. Musketeers were very common in the Rusty Lake area. They were normally about two feet long. Don't tell us all this stuff. Show us. Have them get into a little argument, while they stand carefully away from the snake. Or something. They are very poisonous. OK, you changed from past to present tense here. Should read as "They were very poisonous." Plus, I think you could combine that with the last sentence. Good writing is economy. So: "They were normally about two feet long, and very poisonous. The snake snapped at Jeff, and bolted away. Hm. I'm not sure about this. If it's possibly a very poisonous snake, then why are they standing so close to it? They know this, because they're in an area where there's lots of snakes, right? They wouldn't take that risk. Also, the snake's not going to snap, then go away. It's either fighting or leaving. “That was freaky!” Jeff yelped.
“Yeah! We better get to school. Fast!” Sam screamed in a terrified voice. Always start new paragraphs for a different character's dialogue. Plus, these are middle school age kids right? When you have them "yelp" and "scream in a terrified voice", it's like they're acting like little girls.
When they arrived at school, they ran into Seaweed, the school bully. Jeff tried to pass him, but Seaweed grabbed him! He tried to escape, but Seaweed was way too burly. Jeff could feel Seaweed’s freezing cold hands on his pale neck. This could be an exciting bit in your story, but you keep telling instead of showing. Have some dialogue, some details... Then, as he heard the bell ringing, Seaweed rapidly scampered with Jeff and shoved him into a locker! Scampered with Jeff? What does that mean? Thank God it was Sam’s locker, or else he would have been late for Math. What? You're going too fast and not explaining or describing anything. How does this 'Seaweed' kid get open another kid's locker? How does it being Sam's locker make it easy to escape? Was Sam there? Did he let Jeff out?
New Paragraph. In Math class they did a pop quiz. Again: show, don't tell. Of course, Sam got 100% just like every other quiz, but Jeff wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. He only got around 60% on the quiz. Show us this. Do they compare quizzes? You just called your main character stupid, and you didn't even say anything else about it, give any reasons, describe anything. Maybe math isn't his thing, or something. Maybe he stopped caring about school when his mom died. Maybe he wasn't paying attention in class because something-or-other was on his mind. But what do we know? You haven't shown us these things.
Later that day no short description of the day, and why was only the beginning of the day important? What was the significance of any of what happened before? When you're giving us this bit of Jeff's day, but it didn't mean anything, then why was it included? What happened that meant anything to the story?, when they were having dinner, Jeff's dad if you just dub the character "Dad," it can be capitalized, i.e., "Hey!" said Dad--but if not, it's not a proper noun, so it's "Hey!" said Jeff's dad, Bob, asked, “So, what time is your basketball try-outs?”
Jeff replied, “Uh, four[/clock]’o clock tomorrow.” [color=blue]He's your main character, but so far we haven't heard any of his thoughts at all.
“Okay, Suzie’s babysitter will have to take you then.”  His sister, Suzie, yelped with a contented smile, “Yeah! Anna’s coming!” 'Yelping' and 'content' don't go together. Being contented is really more like being calm, yet happy, when everything's going as it should be, not when you're excited. Maybe say 'exuberant smile' or something?
“You like her, don’t you?” Bob said, grinning.
“Yeah! She’s the best babysitter in the whole world!” Suzie replied.
And....? What's Jeff thinking? What's going on?
That Saturday when Jeff woke up, he had eggs, bacon, and apple juice. It's good to give us details, but important ones that let us infer, not just what he ate. So, like, "he finished breakfast hastily and accidentally knocked over his glass of apple juice in the process" is good because it shows he's in a big hurry, but you don't have to list everything he ate. It's not really important. After his divine breakfast, he bolted out the door. While he was rapidly running running makes you aware that he's going rapidly, so you don't have to say 'rapidly' to school, he tripped over a rock and got a titanic bruise on his knee. That's a good detail, because you can see how rushed he was.
New paragraph. After school he had one hour to get ready for the try-outs. Wait, what? You just left a big gap here. Say something to transition it, like, "The day passed agonizingly slowly, and he felt sure the clocks were running backwards. But we don't know what he's thinking or what's happening at all. When he arrived at the middle school for the try-outs, he noticed a horde of eighth graders, but not many seventh graders. That was good because Coach would only let four seventh graders on the team. When he got to the basketball try-outs, he walked in and sat on the bench waiting for the try-outs to start. Most of that sentence is unnecessary really. Didn't he already get there? Change to: "He walked over and sat on the bench, waiting for the try-outs to start.
Coach started talking. He said with a loud voice, “There’s going to be multiple scrimmages.” As Coach faced the biggest 8th grader, Seaweed, he smiled. It almost looked like an evil smile. Jeff was frightened about the smile, and Seaweed. Yes, good. You need to tell us what's going on in his head more often, or he'll just be like, a cardboard cutout character. When Coach blew the whistle, Jeff rapidly bolted off the bench. Mmm. Rapidly bolted off the bench? Maybe 'jumped off the bench'. Coach explained, “Okay, we are now going to scrimmage. All of the seventh graders travel to the left half of the court and all the eighth graders journey to the right side of the court.” Wouldn't he explain before blowing the whistle?
Get rid of "so" and start new paragraph. Jeff did what he was told. He wanted to be the point guard in the scrimmage, but Billy got the role.  Billy was really fast, but he couldn’t make his shots. They started playing for a little while and then Jeff got a little dizzy. Don't use 'little' twice in one sentence. I'm interested though: what is going on? He asked Coach if he could stay out for a couple of minutes, but Coach wouldn’t let him. Show, don't tell! Do something like, "Panting, Jeff returned to the sidelines and asked nervously, "Can I sit out a few minutes?"
New paragraph k? Coach just yelled, “Come on! Get back in the game! You’re not tired already, are you?”
Jeff replied, “No, sir.”
“Okay, good. Nice job out there, Billy!” he said, staring into to Billy’s eyes. "Staring into Billy's eyes" sounds kind of strange, and doesn't work. It sounds like something from a bad YA romance novel. 'Jenny stared into Billy's eyes...' It seems more appropriate to say something like, "nodding with approval at Billy".
New paragraph. Jeff got back in the game, but now he was feeling very dizzy, like he had the flu. He just decided to bolt home. You say "bolt" a lot; also, the flow's awkward, maybe change to -- "He decided to just go home." Plus, what, he just runs away from something that's presumably really important to him with zero explanation? Explain, or change it.
New paragraph.As he was running up the driveway, he saw Anna, the babysitter, coming to his house. He just ignored the car and ran up to his bedroom. Get rid of the just" He didn’t want to tell anybody about the dizziness, sono need for another comma he didn’t. Hm. Interesting, I like this. Why not? Explain the psychology behind this. Is he afraid something's wrong with him? Is he just mad at himself for running away from try-outs?
Later that night Bob inquired/asked, “Did you make the team, son?”
New paragraph. Jeff didn’t answer. He was too busy thinking about the dizziness he had at the try-outs.
New paragraph. That next morning, he was worried. He thought in his head, Where else? Get rid of the "in his head." What is Coach gonna say to me? Will he be mad? Yes, finally, some of his thoughts. You need to have those more often.
But when he arrived at school, Coach was standing right in the doorway, and Jeff just walked right passed him. Coach didn’t even notice. A good bit, but you should describe perhaps. Like, "Jeff tensed up as he passed, but Coach's eyes seemed to slide past him. Relieved, he kept walking like nothing was wrong." As he walked into the hallway, he saw Sam. Sam hadn’t been able to make it to the try-outs because he had to go with his whole family to San Francisco for the day.
Rusty Lake was right next to San Francisco. It was only about thirty minutes away. Sam ran up to him and whispered, “Dude! Where did you go? Coach got so mad at you!” Wait, Sam was in San Francisco, how does he know?
Jeff didn’t want to answer, but he said, “I wasn’t feeling good. Did he really get mad? I just saw him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
“Well, he did. He was yelling at the seventh graders and stuff. I thought he was about to expel you, man. You’re one lucky kid.” Expelled for ditching an optional basketball try-outs? Isn't Sam supposed to be the smart one?
“Okay, I got to get going.” And off he went to Gym class.    Details and thoughts, please.
When he got home from school, he noticed it was strangely quiet in the house.
He yelled, “Hello! Anybody home?” No one answered. He wasn’t really scared, so he thought he would just sit down and watch some TV until they come back. After a couple of hours went by, they still were not home. He looked at the clock and noticed it was six-thirty, just about the time they all ate dinner together. He got up from the couch and thought he would make his own dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to make anything. As he frantically searched the fridge, he found some chicken nuggets that were microwavable. More thoughts and details, please. Plus, he's more worried about food than his family? Didn't his mom die in a car accident a few years ago? Isn't he going to get freaked out that maybe they're dead and he's an orphan now? Psychologically, that seems it would be accurate.
“Perfect!” he yelled. Aloud? Really? Who does that? He sat down and chomped on the chicken nuggets. After he finished, he decided to go take a nap to kill some time. When he woke up, it was nine-thirty! He bolted up off of the couch and ran up to his room. This reads like a big long list, and I'm sorry, but it's boring. You need to write it in a more interesting way. His room was the perfect thinking place. That sentence I like, but you could explain why...
New paragraph. He thought about his dad and his sister. So many pronouns in these last two paragraphs. Change some of those "he"s to "Jeff". He wondered, “What has happened? Have they got in a car accident? Are they okay?” Ahh, there's the thought I was looking for. Also, these are his unedited thoughts, so they're in present tense, yes? Plus, thoughts are not usually so concise and formal--they're confused and scattered and one thing links to another in a very disorganized fashion.
new paragraph!All those things going threw his mind uh what?? and all of a sudden, he fainted[color=green.[/color] Right there in his own bedroom! Fainting because he's thinking too much is dumb. If it's because of the aforementioned dizziness, that's good. He dreamed about a polar bear flying on a rainbow. It was the weirdest dream he had ever had. This is unimportant and strange. Also, I've fainted before, and you don't dream, as far as I'm aware.
new paragraph. When he woke up, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. No, really? He walked downstairs to the kitchen table, ready for breakfast, but breakfast wasn’t there like it always was. He thought to himself, “They’re still not here yet? I thought for sure they would be here by today!” and skipped to the kitchen to get some breakfast. Err, wow. This kid's been home alone for hours with no warning, and he doesn't think to call his dad or anyone else? How dumb can he possibly be?
New paragraph.... He had to think really hard about what day it was. It’s hard remembering stuff when you have so much going on in your life. Hmm. It's a nice detail, but I'd think the opposite, because you have to keep track of your schedule, don't you? He gave up thinking and just went upstairs to see the calendar. He looked and it appeared to be gone. He didn’t pack lunch like he usually did, so he decided to just go with normal cafeteria food.
new paragraph When he arrived at school, no one was there. The street was completely empty of cars. That's just how I'd word it. Also you're putting in tons and tons of pronouns again. He thought to himself, “What the heck?” and he scampered off home. The world appears to be empty, and all he thinks is "Hmm, weird, guess I'll go home now!" He wanted to know what day it was, but how? ...No laptop? No computer? No possible way to know what day it is, AT ALL? And why does it matter, and if he's decided on cafeteria food, then why is he not going to school? He knows it's a weekday right? Then he thought of the perfect idea! He was going go to the library to ask somebody there! First, why the library? Why can't your average guy tell you, "Hey, it's Sunday, Mac"? And more importantly, how can he possibly know that there's anyone there, of all places? Everyone appears to be gone. He bolted bolted again? to the library, and when he arrived there, there were about five cars. It seems like you're getting bored and rushing to throw some text together; try to keep the flow consistent. He opened the door and carefully walked to the librarian. He slowly said, “Um, Miss.”
She said, “What, my dear?” with a smile.
He replied, “Do you know what day it is?” Of all questions. Everyone's gone from school and home, not to mention the fact that he is worried his family is dead, and he's most anxious to know what day it is?
And she answered, “Well, it's Sunday, honey.”
His jaw dropped wide open. He then thought to himself, I was asleep for three days! So he didn't have to sleep or go to the bathroom in three days? I find this hard to believe. And how does he know it's that Sunday? Maybe he was asleep a month.
He thanked her and headed out. That's it? He's not really upset and doesn't tell her that he's been asleep for three days and no one has been home for that long and he needs help? As he walked away, he saw a lady talking to an old man. He listened carefully as she said, “Did you hear about that horrible accident?”
The old man replied, “Yeah, I heard it was a father and a daughter heading to a dance practice.” No commentary? People like to offer their two cents. "Real sad." "It's tragic, really." "Now, the grocer told me..."
Then he walked closer on the conversation reword this. and heard the lady say, “Yeah, people are still talking about it and it was week ago! On Thursday!”
New paragraph. He then began to sob, thinking it was his sister and his dad.  That sentence is incredibly passive. Change it. But after he was done ?! He just randomly stops sobbing really quick and he just heard something awful? And the people nearby say and notice NOTHING?, he remembered the woman say, “On Thursday.” That couldn’t have been because that was the day he noticed nobody was home and the lady say,  “A week ago.” That means that he was asleep for a week! There's a lot of problems with this bit, and I'm a little tired to fix them. It seems like you were rushing to write it out, and it got really mangled, so uh, edit that. I know what you mean to say, and this is a crucial plot point, but all I sense is your eagerness to write this, and not anything Jeff's thinking. He then bolted home, bolted again, and it's passive. letting a few tears out because he felt lonely. Um....I'm lost. He's crying because he's lonely, and not because his family is dead? He had to find his dad and sister. Where could they possibly be? Try dead or in the hospital. He then traveled to Sam’s house to tell him what all had happened. He then....he then...he then. Stop starting sentences that way; it gets repetitive...
new paragraph... He arrived at the door and began knocking. And began knocking? How about, "knocked furiously"? Nobody answered. He knocked a few more times, and finally Sam answered. Sam looked quite said ?, and said, “Hello, what do you want?” Is that how we greets his best friend? And he doesn't ask "Hey dude, you've been missing for days and I heard your dad died, sup?"
new paragraph kJeff replied, “Uh, do you know where my dad and sister went? They are not home, and I looked everywhere around the town."
“Dude, you didn’t hear? They crashed into a house on the way to dance practice. Sounds like they're both dancing. They’re now in the hospital grrr, passive voice. stop with the passive voice.” That's...I don't know. Is that how your best friend breaks you news like that, and he doesn't even find it strange that a kid isn't aware his family is in the hospital? Really insensitive and unrealistic.
new paragraphJeff began weeping. He didn’t know what to do. He just felt like throwing up. It works. After he was done sobbing, he bolted. Stop saying "bolted", it gets repetitive. And his friend says nothing at all this whole time, nothing at all? Doesn't try to stop him? And what I'm really curious about, is his family in a coma and that's why no one has looked for him? But come on. It's a twelve-year-old kid, and his family is in the hospital, and no one gives him a thought when he falls into a random week-long sleep? Come on. He didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to see his father again. After all that running, he began to get tired. He was about a mile away from his house. Right next to the Ice Cream Shop and the Campground. Change that to "ice cream shop" and "campground"--don't capitalize common nouns. His wallet only had about twenty dollars in it, so he went and got himself an ice cream cone. He was starving. “Man, running gets you hungry,” Jeff muttered.

                                                 Not finished.....

Okay, I like the concept of your story and everything--it's an interesting idea and this could be great, but a lot of it seems unrealistic and I'm frustrated because I'm at a loss as to why the characters do what they do. It just really doesn't make sense a lot of the time, what's going on and the dialogue, and there's a few plot holes and stuff. You are good at crafting a story, but it feels like you're rushing it all along; try not to. I'm excited to see what happens next!

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-07-27 16:14:38)

My one sentence analysis of ADK's story: Your good at structuring plot, but the writing lacks.

I REVIEWED MKAY ALLDAYKADE JUST LIKE MAH PROMISE

Last edited by soupoftomato (2012-07-27 21:03:48)

mythbusteranimator's:

Chapter One
May 3, 2092
100…99…98…
These numbers flashed over Jerry William’s hologram screen. It was the crisp, sunny morning of May 3rd, 2092, and a perfect day for a rocket launch. Fascinating first sentence. I like it. While perhaps not the most artistically written, it's definitely intriguing. Also, is his name Jerry William, or Jerry Williams? If the latter, then you should write it as "Jerry Williams's hologram screen"--though some would say "Jerry Williams' hologram screen," my English teacher insists otherwise, so uh, I'll leave it at that.
Of course, Jerry thought. It will be fine. Just like every other mission I have ever been on. It's good that we know what he's thinking and everything, but this is a bit of a blunt statement, and it makes the reader think, "Oh yeah, then something's going to go wrong." If something is going to go wrong, which I assume it will, that's a bit of an obvious way to try to make us think otherwise. Unless you were trying to make us understand that it won't, in fact, be fine, but there must be a more subtle way of doing so.
Jerry William was only twenty-five years old, but was already being considered one of the greatest astronauts that had ever lived, along with Neil Armstrong and “Buzz” Aldrin, as well as Jerry’s favorite, Joshua Medals. Medals had landed on Mars the very day that Jerry was seems to flow nicer as "was" as opposed to "had been" born--I took out the "on" because I thought it was unnecessary February 13, 2066. Then shouldn't he be twenty-six? (Forgive me if I'm wrong, I just checked really quick.) Also, this is 2092, are Armstrong and Aldrin still considered the best? This had always made Jerry want to become an astronaut just because of his birthday? I would think there'd be more to it than that..., a goal he accomplished at the very young age of nineteen. Normally I'd complain this was an infodump, but it didn't bore me, so it works.
Williams Now you're calling him "Williams," whereas before he was Jerry William. Which is it? Keep it consistent. started his astronauting career with a simple trip to the moon. His mission was to see whether or not iron was deep into the moon’s core. This was followed by an unprecedented ten straight successful missions, his most recent being the first man to step on Pluto. It had undoubtedly been Jerry’s least favorite mission. He would never forget the indescribable cold that penetrated the suit that barely kept him warm enough for fifteen minutes. But removed the comma it was a successful mission nonetheless. Mmkay, it's background information. The Pluto bit was interesting, but some of the other stuff was unnecessary and made it feel infodumpy.
59…58…57… About ellipses, the proper format is ". . ." (which I hadn't known until soup said so, but he's right) but I assume you're writing this on some program that does it automatically, so I didn't say anything.
“What the. . .,” he muttered. He had wandered off into a little world of his own, and the shock of not being prepared for launch could cause serious injury. Why does he mutter "What the"? Is he just that shocked at his forgetfulness? Liftoff's 57 seconds away, so I don't think he felt it unexpectedly, did he? I am confused.
“I can’t believe--Jerry Williams? Mission with me?”
Beside him, Jerry’s mission partner, Benedict Pearson, kept mumbling excitedly. Lol.
“Will you shut up, please,” Jerry growled. He didn’t really mind Benedict, but listening to that for the entire two-week trip just might cause Jerry to push Benedict out of the air lock.
Benedict Pearson was the complete antipode in appearances to Jerry. I apologize for nitpicking, but I am irked by the common use of "they looked completely different from one another" as an excuse to introduce appearances. Perhaps come up with something else Jerry was kind of short, but well-built and muscular. He had short, blond hair and dark brown eyes with a clear face. Benedict, age twenty-four, on the other hand, was tall and kind of scrawny. He had pale blue eyes, and long, dark hair that hung down to his eyebrows and reached the bottom of his neck. His face was covered with freckles. Until now, the writing style has sounded formal and concise. Now you've said "kind of" twice in a description. In general, you might want to save such phrases for first person writing.
It was Benedict’s rookie mission, and Jerry wondered how the heck Benedict was selected to accompany him on the mission. Delete "on the mission"--we know what you mean, so it isn't necessary to restate. Jerry knew that he was to be assigned a rookie for this particular mission, but he had seen many better, less-excitable trainees that had actually gone to the moon on a training mission. I don't understand why you said 'actually gone to the moon'; what do you mean by this sentence? I do like the detail you include about seeing "better, less-excitable trainees" though. Jerry doubted that Benedict had even orbited the Earth.
“He’ll be fine,” Natasha Phillips, the mission controller, had said to him. “He’s a genius programmer. That’s why I chose him. They say that the only programmer better at his job at that age was your father.” Sort of awkwardly phrased dialogue. Jerry’s father had designed the Space Exploration Program’s (S.E.P.) Interesting tidbit. However, including the acronym after giving the whole name as a plural doesn't work for me. Maybe change it to: "designed the Space Exploration Program's computer" [another thing, saying program twice makes it a little choppy as well] "program. He still worked at the S.E.P" [so now we can infer that that is the acronym for the program] "to program" [...but "program" for the third time in two sentence doesn't work.] "and build new rockets and missiles." He still worked there, to program and build new rockets and missiles.
Jerry still thought that his best friend, Gregory Driver, should have been picked for this mission. Instead, the jocular but brave astronaut got to be the radio command controller; relaying commands from Natasha Phillips to Jerry. Speaking of which…
The speaker in his earpiece cackled. “How are you doing?” Greg asked.
“Ah, there you are,” Jerry said. “What took you so long?”
“I had to finish my Snickers bar. Some things from the early 2000s are still pretty good,” he remarked. “Anyway, Natty just wants you to remember to keep Benedict under control, and whatever you do, keep your cool.”
Jerry remembered his fantasy about pushing Benedict out into open space. Right on cue, Greg said, “And absolutely no air lock pushing.”
“Dang,” Jerry said. “You read my mind. Still, I’m not sure I will be able to refrain from doing that. I’ll apologize in advance.”
Greg laughed. “And Natty thinks I’m the one with humor issues. Maybe it’s just the nickname. Anyway, good luck. The only thing that could go wrong is running out of fuel. Or the sip not holding, or not breaking Jupiter’s gravity.” The mission was to go to Jupiter’s core and look for any natural resources to harvest for Earth. “Or, for example, the entire ship could explode just seconds after lift-off.”
“Gee, thanks, Mr. Optimist,” Jerry said, grinning. Greg turned his microphone off, and Jerry tried to ignore Benedict’s frequent ramblings to prepare for launch.
20…19…18…
“Tell me, Benedict, have you ever ridden in a V-8 rocket before?” The V-8 rocket was an extremely powerful rocket used for long distance mission. It had been designed by Jerry’s father.
“Umm…no. Why do you ask?” Benedict asked, still amazed that his hero was talking to him.
14…13…12…
“Well then, I can’t wait to see the look on your face when we get into space,” Jerry said while smirking. “Get ready.”
7…6…5…
Benedict was a little slow-witted. “Wait a sec--what is that supposed to mean?” Haha.
Jerry purposely waited a few seconds before answering. “You’ll see,” he said, still smirking.
2…1…0…
Liftoff, Jerry thought with a huge jerk upwards.
Great idea. You could use a bit more imagery and everything, to set the scene a little better, but I like your writing style on the whole. You're good at explaining things but in a way that isn't boring. Jerry William(s?) is a good character, a bit arrogant maybe, but likable. Thanks for posting 

coolscruff's:

I can't wait to see her! She's been gone for so long. Good opening sentences, make you curious about what's been going on We had never even spent a day apart before, and yet now we've been separated for three whole months! It's been such rubbish without her. I already like your character's energetic, fast-paced way of talking.
I'm talking about my twin sister, Garnet. We're identical. Well, we don't really look identical now, because I have given myself a radical haircut. I was sick of those stupid plaits. No one ever used to be able to tell us apart, which was a huge bonus when it became confusing and exasperating. I can do it easy-peasy, without even thinking. Well, yes, of course she'd be able to tell herself apart from her twin lol
I'm the naughty twin, Ruby. I'd use a different word than "naughty"--if you look at it from every angle, it's either childish-sounding or creepy-teenage-girl-sounding so uh, yeah, maybe something else? I'm also the eldest and the fastest and the noisest and the bossiest. Haha, I like the way she describes herself. I used to think I was the cleverest, but when Garnet and I had this stupid exam to get into a girls' boarding school, Marnock Heights, we both got a shock. Garnet passed the exam and I didn't. Of course, I didn't really try to hard. And I actually didn't want to go to boarding school anyway. It sounds horribly boring and awfully strict and stuffy. Yes, I am absolutely sure I would hate it there. You're very good at giving your character a voice. Seems like an honest, blunt, entertaining sort of person, which is a personality type that makes for a good narrator.
Garnet actually says she likes it. This is amazing because my sister is so shy and scared. She generally can't do anything without me. I was sure she would cry floods of tears and come rushing back home in a week or two. But she's stuck it out and all her postcards and emails say she's having a great time. This is too weird. I'm sure she's just trying to stop we worrying about her. She must be so lonely without me.
Wow, I really like this    A nice beginning. I wish there was a less lame way of saying "keep it up" but there isn't one I can think of at the moment so uh, keep it up

wiimaster wrote:

I can edit poetry and lyrics if you want help with that.
I suppose anyone can ask me if they wan lyrics or poetry edited on this thread.

Yeah, that'd be cool 

so I'm going to be a total moron here
and write FROM THE HIP
that's right!
send you the ORIGINAL DRAFT
written right here in the scratch forums text editor! whoo!
I'm gon trai somthang new and hope for the best
:I


The boy from the present and the girl from the past had met at a crossroads, so it was  fitting that they were to reunite at one. She had come a long way to see what she had once, and what she hadn't before. Of course some things had changed in the four years since she lived there, but it didn't matter. She had him now.
 
   And he had her. He felt like he didn't know her anymore. He knew who she was when she was with him, but four years had passed since then. He felt like he didn't need to, though. She was as close to him as he was to himself. She was him. And he could be him with her.

He told her of the present, and what had changed in the four long years past.
And she told him of hers, and who she had become and what she had done and who she had met. And their presents intertwined again. They were in their present again.

But alas they came again to a crossroads, and she rode off west to the setting sun. To tomorrow.
And it was his turn to go chasing after her.

Here's one really tiny, nit-picky grammar mistake you missed on alldaykade's:

alldaykade wrote:

“So, what time are your basketball try-outs?”

Last edited by luiysia (2012-08-05 23:27:50)