Scratch

I'm working on a chapter, and I'll be finished tomorrow or the day after. Then you can edit it.

Agg725 wrote:

Okay, sorry if this is a total infodump. My first chapters usually turn out infodumpy. That's why I'd like someone else to revise and edit my work. So, here ya go:


        Years ago, in the land of Persalonia, there lived a family, which consisted of two beautiful girls, their mother, and their father. However, this was no ordinary family. The father and mother of these girls were King William and Queen Charlotte of Persalonia. It is a bit of an infodump here, but perhaps you could rephrase it so that it would be a little more interesting, and add a few more details. For example, Diana Wynne Jones introduced Howl's Moving Castle like this: "In the land of Ingary, where such things as seven-league boots and cloaks of invisibility really exist, it is quite a misfortune to be born the eldest of three." You can still introduce this new place, but in such a way that it is captivating from the start.

        Diana, at the age of sixteen, was the oldest child in the family. She would one day rule the country. Elizabeth, Diana’s younger sister, was twelve years old. Elizabeth had always dreamed of being Queen, and had been highly dismayed when her mother told her that Diana would be in power, not her.  A good plot point. Perhaps you could change it very slightly, to "...highly dismayed (though not very surprised) when..."?

       To tell the truth, Elizabeth had never outgrown the jealousy of her sister. Many arguments erupted from her anger. Why? she wondered. Why did Diana have to be born first? I would make a better queen than she ever would. Grammatically speaking, would/could can work as well as could/would, but I switched them because "would" is definite--Elizabeth is absolutely certain she would be the better queen.

      Elizabeth’s head was often full of these thoughts. She couldn’t possibly imagine that she was mistaken. However, she was definitely wrong. Saying she was 'definitely wrong'...dunno. I think the reader should judge for him (or her)self. Diana, unlike her other sister, had a remarkable knowledge of government practices, history, languages, and other countries.

      Diana knew Elizabeth was jealous of her, and because of it, she tried to be very nice to her. Once, she said, “Don’t worry, Elizabeth. I’m sure some prince from another country would like for you to reign with him.”

       However, Diana’s attempt in cheering her sister up was in vain. Elizabeth didn’t care. She sharply replied, “But I wouldn’t want to rule anywhere but here!” Sentence fragments work well for dialogue. With that, she stormed off to her bedroom. Tears trickled down her face. Nowhere, She thought, nowhere but Persalonia.

        In her bedroom, Diana thought about what Elizabeth had said. She’s right, Diana thought. No other country can compare to the one my father rules here.

       Suddenly, Diana’s room was filled with a loud sound, almost like a crash of thunder. This is a good comparison, but try using a synonym for "loud". Diana dashed to the window just in time to see a nearby house burst into flames.

        An instant later, her mother entered the room. “Diana,” she said, “we need to leave. The enemy has destroyed a number of homes in the area. Will you please go upstairs and tell your sister to pack her bags?” This is unusually calm and formal for the situation.

        Diana nodded, and went upstairs. No questions? No arguments? Well, even if she's just being quiet and obedient, we need to know what's going through her head. You haven't told us what she's thinking or feeling. Soon, the two girls were ready to leave. “Mother, where are we going to stay?” Elizabeth asked, concerned about the attack.

        “I discussed it with your father,” she said, “and we believe it’s best to stay with Uncle James until this whole thing is over.”

         Diana was still concerned. “Who will fight back?” she inquired fearfully. “Who will protect our country?”


       “Your father has it all worked out,” her mother said. “Organized groups of minutemen are ready to defend in every province. You have nothing to worry about, dear.”

         After a few hours of riding in the carriage, the family made it to Uncle James’s house. I imagine it wasn't a quiet boring ride. It was probably tense and nervous...not to mention the explosions in the background. Maybe you could describe it a little more. They were greeted quite warmly. “William! Charlotte! Great to see you!” He paused. “And who’s this? My two favorite girls!” Diana and Elizabeth couldn’t help smiling.

        “Please,” he said, “Come make yourself comfortable.”

         The family got their bags out of the carriage, which soon left. Uncle James quickly helped out. “Here,” he said, “You don’t have to carry that heavy bag.” 

        “Why, thank you, James!” King William didn’t know what else to say.

       “No problem,” James said, coming down the stairs. This is just a pet peeve of mind, but in this medieval-seeming time period (old fashioned names, riding in carriages) I don't think they would have used modern slang like 'No problem' “Let me show you where you’ll be staying. Girls, you’ll be staying here, and William, you and Charlotte will stay in the next room over.”

        It definitely was a pleasant evening at Uncle James’s house. The adults tried not to look worried in front of the girls. However, everyone in that house knew it would be a long time before they would return to their home. You should probably describe this a bit more

Your story is very interesting, though I could use more description and detail
I'm looking forward to seeing the next chapter 

Oh um...cool idea I was wondering I have not made the story up yet but I have the basic idea wrote down in word. Would you review that? I am just going to post a few of 'em.
EDIT: I am only 10 so the book is a fantasy for kids.
Here is the first one:
The Cat Girl-
When you hear cat girl you probably think some girl that loves cats or some girl that has superpowers that can turn into a cat, well....no that's nothing like me.
My mother left me when I was young, very young I must have been about a month old, I could have been normal girl, she could have dropped me off at a orphanage but no she left me in the middle of nowhere in a bush.
That's where the cats come in they came and helped me grow up, they came and fed me, the mother herself had just had kittens in the bush beside me, the mother came over and grabbed me with her claw by my soft red hair and pulled me into her bush. There she fed me and helped me grow, she fed me with her milk, I was just like a kitten to her maybe thats why I can understand them...

Dreams-
My Mum said I should write down every dream or nightmare I have. I think its a silly idea but what can I do? She said she would check my new notebook everyday just to make sure I am writing down my dreams in the morning. She also told my brother, but she is not checking his, he is not like me.
I have dreams every night sometimes they are scary,sad,happy or funny but I have lots. Sometimes I can't wake up in my nightmares I start screaming in my sleep Mum and Dad rush in and start screaming my name but I won't wake up until I have died or lived. I wake up in the middle of night after nightmares and I have fallen out of bed sometimes I am pouring wet and my bed is all sticky because of my sweat.
Mum wants me to write down my dreams so she can have a full book full of ideas for her stories, she is a author. My Dad her illustrator and he also works at the library. My brother wants to be a doctor. And me I don’t know I just want myself to stop dreaming.

Willow-
Every time I smile something happens, something bad. It happens to the person I am smiling at.
When I was three I smiled for the first time. Me Mum and dad were sitting down watching the telly, Mum and Dad were laughing for once. Ever since they had had me they had been very serious and mean, but it changed that night. Seeing them laugh made me feel happy, I stared at the telly starting to laugh too, then the telly went on fire, it just burst into flames there and then. Mum and dad grabbed me and took me out of the house, they called the fire brigade  and then tried to find out what had happened. Then one day when I was four I smiled at Mum she smiled back and then she fell onto her bed, before I knew what had happened Mum had become ill and they now knew that I couldn't smile. Then I was sent to an orphanage and a nice family adopted me, they kept me sad and worked me hard giving me healthy and  big food for a reward, it keeps me sad but strong so nothing bad can happen, like a smile...

Artistic-
Art isn’t that a lovely name? I like to think of it as a magical name which means there is something special in the world for me and only for me.
I am eleven, I’m French. My Mum and Dad died in a car crash when I was seven and now I live with my grandmother in England for the winter, and my Uncle and Aunt in Ireland for the summer. I love them both but I prefer to live with my Grandmother, she is French like me. Uncle and Aunt are only half French and Half English. They are from my Dad's side my Grandmother is from Mum’s side. Aunt and Uncle have Three sons and a daughter,  the sons are all younger than me and the daughter is older than me by three years which means she has no time for me. I don’t like playing with the sons because the tripped me and broke my leg once, the oldest is nine and he has no sense.
Luckily I go to school in England with Grandmother, not with Aunt and Uncle.
But there is something missing in my life, I think a left something behind, something important,  something in France.

Thats them all! 

Last edited by coolscruff (2012-06-01 03:03:03)

i know it isn't that good, but please give honest feedback.

By the way: this is a short story. It ends at the end of this post, so i won't be writing more.

LOST KNOWLEDGE

1984. Coincidentally, that is the book I was reading when all of this took place.
    Reading and walking. That’s how I spent my free time.
Until, right before my eyes, a muscular man swiped the book out of my hands. I slowly looked up, somewhat startled. The man looked thirty-something, had a big mustache, and a cigar of equal size. He looked as if he was in a position of authority, although I didn’t recognize him.
    I jumped up, confused, trying to retrieve the one thing that mattered to me. The man grinned slightly and lifted it up so it was out of my reach. I was now helpless.
    “Who are you, and why are you doing this?” I asked. I was surprised at myself; I wasn’t usually a talker.
    “Books are now illegal. Don’t you watch the news?”
    I shook my head. The man slowly walked away, still holding my book. I didn’t try to fight back, because something in my gut told me he was a good fighter. But more importantly, books- illegal? I shook my head in disbelief, but deep down I could tell the man spoke the truth.
    It was then that I heard lots of commotion down the next street. I sprinted down the street, worried. As I approached the sound, I noticed that the crowd was extremely dense.
    As I finally got to the street, I was surprised to see a German man with a long mustache on a small elevated space. The man carried a megaphone.
    I believed I’d seen this man somewhere before. I racked my brain. I remembered: at a dentist appointment, on a TV. Now I began to remember. This man was ruler of the world!
    You see, everyone in my time has become so focused on world peace that when this man came on TV and said he was ruler of the world, to avoid war, everyone let this go.
    The man spoke through the megaphone. “Hello, you may know me as K. I am now proud to announce that no more riots will occur, no more crime, no more wrongdoings altogether.”
    The crowd cheered wildly.
    “Because starting today, it will be illegal to read. Anyone who is caught reading anything other than the K Post (which I will explain later) will face immediate execution. I have called for you today to end your temptation of reading. We will burn every last book you have for you for free, right here and right now.
    “About the K Post I mentioned earlier: the K Post will give you none other than the truth on everything you need to know about the world. You may have the first edition of the K Post free.”
    This was an outrage!
    I charged toward the stack of burning books. As I rummaged through them, I spotted 1984!
    I grasped 1984, carrying it like a parent protecting a child. My hands were burning, but I didn’t care about anything else at that time. My only thought was that I had to keep an artifact from a once free world; in fact, a book about a fear that this might happen.
    The flames eventually settled as I sat down in my living room. I was, well… not all right. My arms were in a fixed position for such a long time; it took me a while to remember the book. After my burned hands were strong enough to turn the pages of the book, I saw what I had feared the most: several blank pages, with a half-gone phrase here or there. I couldn’t read the book, that much was obvious. But, I did notice something that gave me hope.
    On the page I had left off on, I noticed nothing but the phrase “find help”. This influenced me to write to you.
    The next day, I found a “K Post” folded up on the sidewalk. The main headline read, “ALL BOOKS ARE WRONG. THE K POST IS RIGHT.”
    The sad part about this was that not only was this atrocious writing, but I knew many people had come to believe anything that had been put in front of them. Even the handful of people like me who hunger for justice will eventually end their ways, after this being the only thing they read for several years. K is brainwashing our world.
    By the time I read this again, I will probably not even understand the meaning behind my point. The world is now that screwed up.

Greg
_________________________
    Greg folded the piece of paper neatly. He placed the paper in a time capsule marked, “NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL MARCH 20, 2042.” He made a small hole in his back yard, and buried it there.
    Greg was executed a week later for reading the Bible behind his K Post, 2nd edition.
    On March 27, 2044, a man also named Greg opened the time capsule. He couldn’t understand a word written on the piece of paper. The paper was crumpled up and thrown in a fire.
                                           THE END

Last edited by ROSMan (2012-06-01 16:35:34)

Ever on?
Ahahaha
That's hilarious, seeing as I've gotten to all but two stories pretty much right away
I apologize for not seeing the two new ones before
My siblings and I went to the beach and stayed overnight so I didn't see the ones that were posted while I was gone
I'll try and get to editing the next two when I'm on a more reliable computer

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-06-05 14:18:55)

coolscruff wrote:

Sorry Wickimen it's just I posted it five days ago.

That's not very long at all.

I would honestly do it right away, but this computer keeps crashing and I'm afraid I'll lose the whole thing

coolscruff wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

coolscruff wrote:

Sorry Wickimen it's just I posted it five days ago.

That's not very long at all.

Sorry but for me it is, since then I have performed on the gran canal theatre, had two o my end of year exams and missed my school tour because I was sick. I have my on opinion and if I sound rude sorry. Just what I mean.
I also said five days was long because I do no know that he/she was at the beach.

In the grand scheme of things I wouldn't say the entire history of Earth is very long.

Wickimen wrote:

coolscruff wrote:

I don't want you to edit it I want you to tell me which you like best and what you thought of it!

Hence, review, and minor edits are somewhat in the package if you'll glance at the title. I am still afraid of losing a long post
This thing crashes periodically

Oh sorry forgot! Duh I can be very silly sometimes.

Fighting Jeff

In a town named Rusty Lake, there was a boy named Jeff. Jeff was about twelve years old. He dwelled with his Dad and his Sister. His Mom died in a tragic car accident a few years ago.    
One day, when Jeff was walking to school with his best friend Sam, Sam noticed a snake on the road! It was about two feet long, if not, more! Jeff thought it was a Rattlesnake, but Sam thought it was a Musketeer. Musketeers were very common in the Rusty Lake area. They were normally about two feet long. They are very poisonous. The snake snapped at Jeff, and bolted away. “That was freaky!” Jeff yelped. “Yeah! We better get to school. Fast!” Sam screamed in a terrified voice.
When they arrived at school, they ran into Seaweed, the school bully. Jeff tried to pass him, but Seaweed grabbed him! He tried to escape, but Seaweed was way too burly. Jeff could feel Seaweed’s freezing cold hands on his pale neck. Then, as he heard the bell ringing, Seaweed rapidly scampered with Jeff and shoved him into a locker! Thank God it was Sam’s locker, or else he would have been late for Math. In Math class they did a pop quiz. Of course, Sam got 100% just like every other quiz, but Jeff wasn’t the sharpest knife in the droor. He only got around 60% on the quiz. 
Later that day, when they were having dinner, his Dad, Bob, asked, “So what time is your Basketball try-outs?”
Jeff replied, “Uh, 4’o clock tomorrow.”
“Okay, Suzie’s babysitter will have to take you then.”  His sister, Suzie, yelped with a content smile, “Yeah! Anna’s coming!”
“You like her, don’t you?” Bob said grinning.
“Yeah! She’s the best babysitter in the whole world!” Suzie replied.
That Saturday when Jeff woke up, he had eggs, bacon, and apple juice. After his devine breakfast, he bolted out the door. While he was rapidly running to school, he tripped over a rock and got a titanic bruise on his knee. After school he had one hour to get ready for the try-outs. When he arrived at the Middle School for the try-outs he noticed a horde of 8th graders, but not many 7th graders. That was good because Coach would only let four 7th graders on the team. When he got to the Basketball try-outs, he walked in and sat on the bench waiting for the try-outs to start.
Coach started talking, he said with a loud voice, “There’s going to be Multiple Scrimmages.” As Coach faced the biggest 8th grader, Seaweed, he smiled. It almost looked like an evil smile. Jeff was frightened about the smile, and Seaweed. When Coach blew the whistle, Jeff rapidly bolted off the bench. Coach explained, “Okay, we are now going to scrimmage. All of the 7th graders travel to the left half of the court and all the 8th graders journey to the right side of the court.” So, Jeff did what he was told. He wanted to be the point guard in the scrimmage, but Billy got the role.  Billy was really fast, but he can’t make his shots. They started playing for a little while and then Jeff got a little dizzy. He asked Coach if he could stay out for a couple of minutes, but Coach wouldn’t let him. Coach just yelled, “Come on! Get back in the game! You’re not tired already, are you?”
Jeff replied, “No, sir.”
“Okay, good. Nice job out there, Billy!” he said, staring into to Billy’s eyes. He got back in the game, but now he was feeling very dizzy, like he was sick with the flu. He just decided to bolt home. As he was running up the driveway, he saw Anna, the babysitter, coming to his house. He just ignored the car and ran up to his bedroom. He didn’t want to tell anybody about the dizziness, so, he didn’t.
Later that night Bob wondered, “Did you make the team, son?” Jeff didn’t answer. He was to busy thinking about the dizziness he had at the try-outs. That next morning, he was worried. He thought in his head, What is Coach gonna say to me? Will he be mad? But when he arrived at school, Coach was standing right in the doorway, and Jeff just walked right passed him. Coach didn’t even notice. After he walked in the doorway, he saw Sam. Sam couldn’t make it to the try-outs because he had to go with his whole family to San Francisco for the day.
Rusty Lake was right next to San Francisco. It was only about thirty minutes away. Sam ran up to him and whispered, “Dude! Where did you go? Coach got so mad at you!”
Jeff didn’t want to answer, but he said, “I wasn’t feeling good. Did he really get mad? I just saw him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
“Well, he did. He was yelling at the 7th graders and stuff. I thought he was about to expel you, man. You’re one lucky kid.”
“Okay, I got to get going.” And off he went to Gym class.    
When he got home from school, he noticed it was quiet in the house.
He yelped, “Hello! Anybody home?” No one answered. He wasn’t real scared, he just thought he would sit down and watch some TV before they come back. After a couple of hours went by, they still were not home. He looked at the clock and noticed it was six-thirty, just about the time they all ate dinner together. He got up from the couch and thought he would make his own dinner. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to make anything. As he franticly searched the fridge, he found some chicken nuggets that were microwavable.
“Perfect!” he yelled. He sat down and chomped on the chicken nuggets. After he finished, he decided to go take a nap to kill some time. When he woke up, it was nine-thirty! He bolted up off of the couch and ran up to his room. His room was the perfect thinking place. He thought about his dad and his sister. He wondered, “What had happened? Have they got in a car accident? Are they okay?” All those things going threw his mind and all of a sudden, he fainted! Right their in his own bedroom! He dreamed about a polar bear flying on a rainbow. It was the weirdest dream he had ever had. When he woke up, he found himself on the floor of his bedroom. He walked downstairs to the kitchen table, ready for breakfast, but breakfast wasn’t there like it always was. He thought to himself, “They’re still not here yet? I thought for sure they would be here by today!” and skipped to the kitchen to obtain some breakfast. He had to think really hard about what day it was. It’s hard remembering stuff when you have so much going on in your life. He gave up thinking and just went upstairs to see the calendar. He looked and it appeared to be gone. He didn’t pack lunch like he usually does, so he decided to just go with normal cafeteria food. When he arrived at school, no one was there, no cars or anything. He thought to himself, “What the heck?” and he scampered off home. He wanted to know what day it was, but how? Then he thought of the perfect idea! He was going go to the Library to ask somebody there! He bolted to the Library and when he arrived there, there was about five cars. He opened the door and carefully walked to the library worker. He slowly said, “Um, Miss.”
She said, “What my dear?” with a smile.
He replied, “Do you know what day it is?”
And she answered, “Well, its Sunday, honey.”
His jaw dropped wide open. He then thought himself, I was asleep for three days!
He said, “Thank you.” To the worker and headed out. As he headed out, he saw a lady talking to an old man. He listened carefully as she said, “Did you hear about the horrible accident?”
The old man replied, “Yeah, I heard it was a Father and a daughter heading to Dance practice.”
Then he walked closer on the conversation and heard the lady say, “Yeah, people are still talking about it and it was week ago! On Thursday!” He then began to sob, thinking it was his sister and his dad.  But after he was done, he remembered the woman say, “On Thursday.” That couldn’t have been because that was the day he noticed nobody was home and the lady say,  “A week ago.” That means that he was asleep for a week! He then bolted home, letting a few tears out because he felt lonely. He had to find his Dad and Sister. Where could they possibly be? He then traveled to Sam’s house to tell him what all had happened. He arrived at the door and began knocking. No body answered. He knocked a few more times, and finally Sam answered. Sam looked quite said, and said, “Hello, what do you want?” Jeff replied, “Uh, do you know where my Dad and Sister went? They are not home, and I looked everywhere around the town. “Dude, you didn’t hear? They crashed into a house on the way to Dance practice. They’re now in the hospital.” Jeff began weeping. He didn’t know what to do. He just felt like throwing up. After he was done sobbing, he bolted. He didn’t know where he was going, he just wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to see his father again. After all that running, he began to get tired. He was about a mile away from his house. Right next to the Ice Cream Shop and the Campground. His wallet only had about twenty dollars in it, so he went and got himself an ice cream cone. He was starving. “Man, running gets you hungry.” Jeff muttered.

                                                 Not finished.....

IMPORTANT:Wickimen has given me permission to become the editor until she can find her way to a more reliable computer.

Also, I'm not using the same color system. Blue for everything@

coolscruff wrote:

The Cat Girl-
When you hear cat girl you probably think of some girl that loves cats or some girl that has superpowers that can turn into a cat, well . . . no that's nothing like me. To be honest, I associate "cat lady" with a more lonely, cat-lover type and honestly assumed this was about being raised by cats based on the title. Also, change "or some girl that has superpowers that can turn into a cat" to "Professor McGonagall" if you please
indent My mother left me when I was young. I must have been about a month old, I could have been normal girl, she could have dropped me off at a orphanage but no; she left me in the middle of nowhere in a bush.
That's where the cats come in. They came and helped me grow up, fed me, the mother herself had just had kittens in the bush beside me, the mother came over and grabbed me with her claw by my soft red hair and pulled me into her bush. There she fed me and helped me grow, she fed me with her milk, I was just like a kitten to her; maybe that's why I can understand them...

Overall, I'm pretty sure the idea has been used before but you may be able to execute it better. It seems similar to stories like Pecos Bill and Romulus/Remus though, except cats for wolves.

coolscruff wrote:

Dreams-
My mum said I should write down every dream or nightmare I have. I think its a silly idea[/color=blue],[/color] but what can I do? She said she would check my new notebook everyday just to make sure I am writing down my dreams in the morning. She also told my brother, but she is not checking his, he is not like me.
I have dreams every night; sometimes they are scary, sad, happy or funny, but I have lots. Sometimes I can't wake up in my nightmares; I start screaming in my sleep. Mum and Dad rush in and start screaming my name but I won't wake up until I have died or lived. You are alive until you're dead so you have always lived so by this logic you would always wake up instantly I wake up in the middle of night after nightmares and I have fallen out of bed. Sometimes I am pouring wet and my bed is all sticky because of my sweat.
Mum wants me to write down my dreams so she can have a full book full of ideas for her stories, she is [color=blue]an author. My Dad, her illustrator, also works at the library. My brother wants to be a doctor. And me: I don’t know, I just want myself to stop dreaming.

It's a pretty good idea but dreams in themselves don't really carry a plot very well. If you use this you may want to consider how you could lengthen the plot and end it with a good conclusion and have actual conflict.

Just these two for this post because I'm lazy and need some sort of organization besides the quotes.

KitKaat wrote:

(Long Story)

Whoa, nice!