Scratch

Vary your sentence structure a little more and try improving your spelling and grammar slightly.
You may also like to slow down the pace of your writing.
Currently, it reads rather abruptly.

dulichkinhdo123 wrote:

ịh

Hi, dulichkinhdo123, welcome to Scratch! If you want to introduce yourself and meet some people, try the New Scratchers forum - there's an introduction thread you can post in there, but here it's a little off-topic! 

ilovepandas wrote:

Hello dear scratchers, This is a story I just started and thought I'd share it with you (I don't write stories normally, instead I write poetry)

Summer in Heck

“Jennica Jane Harland, if you make me late then I’m taking away all your nail polish!” *! I must have slept really late if mom is using my full name and threatening me! I pull on some baggy jeans and an overly large black Aero sweatshirt. I grab all the clothes I can find and shove them into my suitcase. I had it half packed last night so I should have everything I need for the summer.
I rush downstairs and nearly trample little Jazzi, my albino ferret. “Come on Jazzi we gotta get in the car before mom explodes!,” I say while scooping the little rodent up and shoving her in the pocket of my sweatshirt.
I double-check to make sure I have everything and rush out to the car and jump into the lime green bug. “Finally JJ! You didn’t take too long so we won’t be late.” “Hey mom, why do I have to stay at dad’s for the summer?I’d rather stay here,” I ask curiously. “Because that was part of the agreement when your father and I got a divorce, I got you during the school  year and he got you during the summer,” my mom said getting sadder at the mention of the divorce. I didn’t want to talk about dad or the divorce so I popped in my headphones, turned the volume up, and set American Idiot by Green Day on loop. For the rest of the ride neither one of us said a thing.

About two hours later we arrived in the middle of nowhere, also known as Litchfield Minnesota. When my mom stopped the car right in front of dad’s house I grabbed Jazzi, who slept for the entire two hour ride, and my huge grey suitcase filled with my belongings. I said a quick goodbye to my mom and walked into my dad’s old two bedroom house.
“Hey there JJ and welcome home!,”my dad said in an overly excited voice. “Yeah...Home...I’m...Glad to be.....Back......,”I said desperately trying to seem excited to be back in this heckhole. I rushed into my room to avoid anymore awkwardness towards my dad.
My room is small, It only has enough space for a small bed, a closet and an ancient- looking writing desk with a chair. I dropped my suitcase on the wooden floor and started to dig through it. After searching for what seem like forever I finally found what I was looking for- my nail polishes. I set them all down on the writing desk and started to choose what color my nails should be.
“Hmm....,” I said talking to myself ,“Lavender or tangerine?” Those were the two I had narrowed it down to. Eventually I decided on lavender and began to paint my bare fingernails.
I had just finished painting my nails when my dad popped his head into my room. “Hey there my little JJ!,”he said in that overly excited voice of his “You have a visitor so grabbed your little rat pet and come say hello!” “Ferret...,” I muttered under my breath.

Waiting at the door was the only person worth meeting in heck, I mean Litchfield, Amia Lerane, my best friend ever.
Amia is shorter than me by about two inches, she has waist-length blonde hair and bright blue eyes that seem to see right through you.
“Hey there JJ, I see you grew your hair out finally!,” she said. I used to have a hair that was only down to my chin, but I decided that it would look better longer, now my straight, jet black hair reaches to the middle of my back. “Amia, how’ve you been? Has living in our darling little heck affected your brain yet?” “No, somehow I survive living here... Hey there Jazzi pie!,” Amia said petting Jazzi’s head that peaked out from my pocket.

After the greetings ended we headed over to my bedroom and talked about everything until ‘that’ subject came up. “JJ do you remember last summer when you got attacked by that creature?,” Amia asked. “Well how could I forget, I still have the scars down my side..,” I replied. In fact I remember that night perfectly. I was walking home from the movie theatre when I heard something rustle in the bushes, at first I thought it was a stray dog so I did the stupidest thing I could’ve done- I called for it. At first nothing happened, then out of the bushes came a creature the size of a chimpanzee, except it was hairless, red, and covered in scars. The creature lunged at me and bit into my right side between my ribs and my hip. After tearing of a large chunk of flesh it ran through the park and out of sight. For about fifteen minutes I laid on the sidewalk moaning in pain. Luckily someone found me and brought my to the hospital. I was given fifty stitches and a large blood transplant.

PlutoIsHades wrote:

If you could switch paragraphs during dialogue every time someone new speaks, it would make the whole story much easier to read.  Also work on using commas where they're needed, especially during the dialogue  Here's an example of both of these things:
       "Finally, JJ!  You didn't take too long, so we won't be late."
       "Hey, Mom, why do I have to stay at Dad's for the summer?  I'd rather stay here."
       "Because that was part of the agreement when your father and I got a divorce.  I got you during the school year and he got you during the summer."

Make sense?

I understand its a little rushed and my grammer is incorrect but, please, comment on the main idea, the plot, or the characters instead of spelling and grammer. This is only a rough draft but I promise to eventually go through and edit everything. Thank you.

Yes. If you want to welcome yourself into scratch, then tell us in the New Scratchers forum

PlutoIsHades wrote:

ilovepandas wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

If you could switch paragraphs during dialogue every time someone new speaks, it would make the whole story much easier to read.  Also work on using commas where they're needed, especially during the dialogue  Here's an example of both of these things:
       "Finally, JJ!  You didn't take too long, so we won't be late."
       "Hey, Mom, why do I have to stay at Dad's for the summer?  I'd rather stay here."
       "Because that was part of the agreement when your father and I got a divorce.  I got you during the school year and he got you during the summer."

Make sense?

I understand its a little rushed and my grammer is incorrect but, please, comment on the main idea, the plot, or the characters instead of spelling and grammer. This is only a rough draft but I promise to eventually go through and edit everything. Thank you.

I think the plot and story are good! 
The reason I was commenting on the grammar was because it was kind of distracting when I was trying to read.

I'm sorry 'bout that, I'm not all that great with grammar.