Scratch

Blackdog100 · 2012-05-05 17:40:28

Yet another story! I hope it's somewhat interesting. And I hope the grammar and spelling is ok too. Enjoy!

Rain

I heard the bell ring for dinner. Sighing, I got up from the ground, where I was looking through a comic, and exited my small room. Life in the orphanage was comfortable, albeit tedious and dreary. On weekdays and Saturdays, get up at six, half an hour to shower and dress, breakfast, recreation for an hour, then classes until four, with short breaks in between. Afterwards, two hours dedicated to homework and studying, recreation, dinner, then recreation again until bedtime at nine. On Sunday, Mass at nine, then we were allowed out until three, in groups with adults.
I walked down the corridor, which was lined with religious pictures that hung on the walls. A sign of hope, I guess, a signal to all the children here. Most had known their parents, although many wished they didn’t. I wish I knew mine. I wish I knew my past. Why I was left on the doorstep of the institution, a scrawny toddler. Although I was still small, I wasn’t as starved as I was then.
I reached the dining room, and took my seat. Usually the seat beside me was empty, but now a boy the same age as me sat there. I sat down, eying him cautiously. As soon as our food arrived, I tucked in, hungry.
“Good food, I gotta say. Not as good as me ma’s was, before she started taking drugs.”
I looked at the boy. He seemed friendly, with a wide smile and a Dublin accent. He had dark hair and eyes, with pale skin and freckles. “I’m Martin, from Finglas,” he told me.
“My name is Josh,” I said quietly, “and I’ve lived here since I was two. I never knew my parents. I was just left on the step here.”

That's all so far!

Last edited by Blackdog100 (2012-05-05 17:41:05)

Andres-Vander · 2012-05-05 18:14:12

You should join SN

Blackdog100 · 2012-05-06 17:11:08

Bump

RedRocker227 · 2012-05-06 17:27:22

It's really good. I love your writing style... I have no clue why, it's just a lot more enjoyable to read than other stories. Actually, it's probably because you don't spend ages describing pointless things which nobody cares about, and rather only describe the important things like the characters. I mean seriously, some people take up a whole paragraph describing a wardrobe. :L

And Andres-Vander, what's SN? It it an American thing? Gosh I hate being from the UK, everyone talks about things I've never heard of. >.<

soupoftomato · 2012-05-06 18:17:53

RedRocker227 wrote:
It's really good. I love your writing style... I have no clue why, it's just a lot more enjoyable to read than other stories. Actually, it's probably because you don't spend ages describing pointless things which nobody cares about, and rather only describe the important things like the characters. I mean seriously, some people take up a whole paragraph describing a wardrobe. :L

And Andres-Vander, what's SN? It it an American thing? Gosh I hate being from the UK, everyone talks about things I've never heard of. >.<

The whole thing is an infodump with much TOO little description.

Instead of "THIS IS MY SCHEDULE: 2:00 IS RECREATION ETC ETC" do something more descriptive. Explain the main character's average feelings to the day. Would his description be groggy and slow because he hates it or would he be seeming to enjoy it?
This is first person so you need constant emotion and reaction on the narrator's part.

(And SN is storynetwork.freeforums.org a site made for writers mainly from Scratch)

RedRocker227 · 2012-05-06 18:25:25

I personally feel the amount of detail is just right, but you're entitled to your own opinion.

soupoftomato · 2012-05-06 18:27:04

RedRocker227 wrote:
I personally feel the amount of detail is just right, but you're entitled to your own opinion.

I an absolute lack of it is just right I guess yeah. :L

Wickimen · 2012-05-06 18:28:45

It's interesting, but the dialogue is a bit unrealistic
Do people really go around telling people they've just met about their tragic pasts?

Andres-Vander · 2012-05-06 18:31:10

SN is Story Network (.tk), a mostly scratcher community of writers with some rules that are a little more lax than Scratch (but only in stories not in actual posting)

Wickimen · 2012-05-06 18:32:39

It's a .tk now?
I was still using .freeforums.org

Blackdog100 · 2012-05-06 18:34:59

Wickimen wrote:
It's interesting, but the dialogue is a bit unrealistic
Do people really go around telling people they've just met about their tragic pasts?

Mee. I actually do :L two seconds of talking and I'll be showing you pictures of me, my family, drawings, EVERYTHING. IMACRAZYYLIKETHAT CX
Every main character is based of me in some way or other xD
My story "Fifty-Three" which I never posted here, features a main character that tries to be brave.
The suicidal one, the girl has a similar life story, except my friends didn't die, they just abandoned me.
And now this boy tells everyone everything. But still keeps secrets wink
Meeh.

Andres-Vander · 2012-05-06 18:36:33

Wickimen wrote:
It's a .tk now?
I was still using .freeforums.org

Actually they made the .tk like 5 minutes ago

Wickimen · 2012-05-06 18:37:34

Andres-Vander wrote:
Wickimen wrote:
It's a .tk now?
I was still using .freeforums.org
Actually they made the .tk like 5 minutes ago

Lolol

Blackdog100 · 2012-05-06 18:46:44

soupoftomato wrote:
RedRocker227 wrote:
It's really good. I love your writing style... I have no clue why, it's just a lot more enjoyable to read than other stories. Actually, it's probably because you don't spend ages describing pointless things which nobody cares about, and rather only describe the important things like the characters. I mean seriously, some people take up a whole paragraph describing a wardrobe. :L

And Andres-Vander, what's SN? It it an American thing? Gosh I hate being from the UK, everyone talks about things I've never heard of. >.<
The whole thing is an infodump with much TOO little description.

Instead of "THIS IS MY SCHEDULE: 2:00 IS RECREATION ETC ETC" do something more descriptive. Explain the main character's average feelings to the day. Would his description be groggy and slow because he hates it or would he be seeming to enjoy it?
This is first person so you need constant emotion and reaction on the narrator's part.

(And SN is storynetwork.freeforums.org a site made for writers mainly from Scratch)

That would make it better.
Although there seems to be little you like. *yawns*
"Some people you can never please,
you might as well just let them be." :L

soupoftomato · 2012-05-06 22:10:51

Blackdog100 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:
RedRocker227 wrote:
It's really good. I love your writing style... I have no clue why, it's just a lot more enjoyable to read than other stories. Actually, it's probably because you don't spend ages describing pointless things which nobody cares about, and rather only describe the important things like the characters. I mean seriously, some people take up a whole paragraph describing a wardrobe. :L

And Andres-Vander, what's SN? It it an American thing? Gosh I hate being from the UK, everyone talks about things I've never heard of. >.<
The whole thing is an infodump with much TOO little description.

Instead of "THIS IS MY SCHEDULE: 2:00 IS RECREATION ETC ETC" do something more descriptive. Explain the main character's average feelings to the day. Would his description be groggy and slow because he hates it or would he be seeming to enjoy it?
This is first person so you need constant emotion and reaction on the narrator's part.

(And SN is storynetwork.freeforums.org a site made for writers mainly from Scratch)
That would make it better.
Although there seems to be little you like. *yawns*
"Some people you can never please,
you might as well just let them be." :L

"Some people offer constructive criticism
No matter how much they like something"

Blackdog100 · 2012-05-07 10:03:12

soupoftomato wrote:
Blackdog100 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:

The whole thing is an infodump with much TOO little description.

Instead of "THIS IS MY SCHEDULE: 2:00 IS RECREATION ETC ETC" do something more descriptive. Explain the main character's average feelings to the day. Would his description be groggy and slow because he hates it or would he be seeming to enjoy it?
This is first person so you need constant emotion and reaction on the narrator's part.

(And SN is storynetwork.freeforums.org a site made for writers mainly from Scratch)
That would make it better.
Although there seems to be little you like. *yawns*
"Some people you can never please,
you might as well just let them be." :L
"Some people offer constructive criticism
No matter how much they like something"

Last time I checked,
Constructive criticism means outlining bad points AND good points wink
Not just bad ones.

soupoftomato · 2012-05-07 17:15:57

Blackdog100 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:
Blackdog100 wrote:
That would make it better.
Although there seems to be little you like. *yawns*
"Some people you can never please,
you might as well just let them be." :L
"Some people offer constructive criticism
No matter how much they like something"
Last time I checked,
Constructive criticism means outlining bad points AND good points
Not just bad ones.

No it means helping people to improve. (Helping "construct")

Last edited by soupoftomato (2012-05-07 17:27:29)

RedRocker227 · 2012-05-07 17:22:07

soupoftomato wrote:
RedRocker227 wrote:
I personally feel the amount of detail is just right, but you're entitled to your own opinion.
I an absolute lack of it is just right I guess yeah. :L

I'm entitled to my own opinion, now stop acting like you're right and I'm wrong, you can't be wrong or right when it comes to talking about opinions.

soupoftomato · 2012-05-07 17:27:21

RedRocker227 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:
RedRocker227 wrote:
I personally feel the amount of detail is just right, but you're entitled to your own opinion.
I an absolute lack of it is just right I guess yeah. :L
I'm entitled to my own opinion, now stop acting like you're right and I'm wrong, you can't be wrong or right when it comes to talking about opinions.

I never said you were wrong.
But there isn't very much, and in my opinion there should be more.
You can have your opinion whatever.

Gosh, did you know just because someone doesn't say IMO doesn't mean it's not an opinion? In real life people can tell when something is an opinion.

RedRocker227 · 2012-05-07 17:37:30

soupoftomato wrote:
RedRocker227 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:

I an absolute lack of it is just right I guess yeah. :L
I'm entitled to my own opinion, now stop acting like you're right and I'm wrong, you can't be wrong or right when it comes to talking about opinions.
I never said you were wrong.
But there isn't very much, and in my opinion there should be more.
You can have your opinion whatever.

Gosh, did you know just because someone doesn't say IMO doesn't mean it's not an opinion? In real life people can tell when something is an opinion.

To me you were basically shoving your opinion down my throat, and not respecting that I'm allowed an opinion. It's fine to debate but when you just constantly criticise others' opinions it's pretty offensive.

Blackdog100 · 2012-05-07 17:46:21

soupoftomato wrote:
Blackdog100 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:

"Some people offer constructive criticism
No matter how much they like something"
Last time I checked,
Constructive criticism means outlining bad points AND good points
Not just bad ones.
No it means helping people to improve. (Helping "construct")

Well it would show what you should leave in and what you should leave out and edit and stuff and stuff and stuuff :L
Lol blaabb. XD
So I always say what I like and what can be improved.
Anyway, is there anything you like about the story? Just asking~? big_smile

soupoftomato · 2012-05-07 17:47:41

Blackdog100 wrote:
soupoftomato wrote:
Blackdog100 wrote:

Last time I checked,
Constructive criticism means outlining bad points AND good points
Not just bad ones.
No it means helping people to improve. (Helping "construct")
Well it would show what you should leave in and what you should leave out and edit and stuff and stuff and stuuff :L
Lol blaabb. XD
So I always say what I like and what can be improved.
Anyway, is there anything you like about the story? Just asking~?

The second paragraph.

Agg725 · 2012-05-30 16:25:20

soupoftomato wrote:
RedRocker227 wrote:
It's really good. I love your writing style... I have no clue why, it's just a lot more enjoyable to read than other stories. Actually, it's probably because you don't spend ages describing pointless things which nobody cares about, and rather only describe the important things like the characters. I mean seriously, some people take up a whole paragraph describing a wardrobe. :L

And Andres-Vander, what's SN? It it an American thing? Gosh I hate being from the UK, everyone talks about things I've never heard of. >.<
The whole thing is an infodump with much TOO little description.

Instead of "THIS IS MY SCHEDULE: 2:00 IS RECREATION ETC ETC" do something more descriptive. Explain the main character's average feelings to the day. Would his description be groggy and slow because he hates it or would he be seeming to enjoy it?
This is first person so you need constant emotion and reaction on the narrator's part.

(And SN is storynetwork.freeforums.org a site made for writers mainly from Scratch)

Oh, no. I've seen WAY bigger infodumps than this.

Agg725 · 2012-05-30 16:27:29

Blackdog100 wrote:
Wickimen wrote:
It's interesting, but the dialogue is a bit unrealistic
Do people really go around telling people they've just met about their tragic pasts?
Mee. I actually do :L two seconds of talking and I'll be showing you pictures of me, my family, drawings, EVERYTHING. IMACRAZYYLIKETHAT CX
Every main character is based of me in some way or other xD
My story "Fifty-Three" which I never posted here, features a main character that tries to be brave.
The suicidal one, the girl has a similar life story, except my friends didn't die, they just abandoned me.
And now this boy tells everyone everything. But still keeps secrets
Meeh.

And me!

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#1 2012-05-05 17:40:28

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#6 2012-05-06 18:25:25

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#11 2012-05-06 18:34:59

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Wickimen wrote:

#12 2012-05-06 18:36:33

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

Wickimen wrote:

#13 2012-05-06 18:37:34

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

Andres-Vander wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

#14 2012-05-06 18:46:44

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

soupoftomato wrote:

RedRocker227 wrote:

#15 2012-05-06 22:10:51

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

Blackdog100 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

RedRocker227 wrote:

#16 2012-05-07 10:03:12

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

soupoftomato wrote:

Blackdog100 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

#17 2012-05-07 17:15:57

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

Blackdog100 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

Blackdog100 wrote:

#18 2012-05-07 17:22:07

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

soupoftomato wrote:

RedRocker227 wrote:

#19 2012-05-07 17:27:21

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

RedRocker227 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

RedRocker227 wrote:

#20 2012-05-07 17:37:30

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

soupoftomato wrote:

RedRocker227 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

#21 2012-05-07 17:46:21

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

soupoftomato wrote:

Blackdog100 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

#22 2012-05-07 17:47:41

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

Blackdog100 wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

Blackdog100 wrote:

#23 2012-05-30 16:25:20

Re: GoodnessGraciousAnotherStory:L

soupoftomato wrote: