Scratch

You can't run from Albany to Amsterdam. There's this thing called an "ocean".

jackrulez wrote:

You can't run from Albany to Amsterdam. There's this thing called an "ocean".

Maybe it's Albany, South Africa.

Wickimen wrote:

The orphan named Harry Potter was left in the care of his horrible aunt and uncle, because his parents had been murdered by a dark wizard. When he was eleven years old, he learned the truth about his life. After buying the proper supplies, he went to a wizards' school called Hogwarts.

Genius.

Instead of "I escaped the orphanage and ran from Albany to Amsterdam" you could fill a couple pages!

What was his average life like there?
When did he finally crack, what occurrence did it take for him to finally run?
When his brother left, did he understand this was his fate for tomorrow?
Was he sad to see his brother go?
Running is obviously tiring, how desperate was he to go so far? (Across oceans!)
Be honest, will anyone run away because their age is that of a child? (He's right to be called a kid, and this circles back to "When did he crack")
More description about "not liking" not going with friends. Did he NEVER do this? Heck, did he even HAVE friends?
Make it more "action". Show don't tell! You are using exposition for everything, simply explaining after-the-fact. You could work some very heartfelt and character building dialogue and actions into several of these scenes.
Police would investigate. Your plot is loose if the whole being tossed into an orphanage and parents being imprisoned lies on the say-so of a kid.

I would be surprised if with a rewriting, this couldn't fill many many pages.

The idea is very good, and could be great with more development, but I just wrote more than you by asking questions on the story!

Last edited by soupoftomato (2012-04-06 23:41:49)

Wickimen wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Genius.

Instead of "I escaped the orphanage and ran from Albany to Amsterdam" you could fill a couple pages!

What was his average life like there?
When did he finally crack, what occurrence did it take for him to finally run?
When his brother left, did he understand this was his fate for tomorrow?
Was he sad to see his brother go?
Running is obviously tiring, how desperate was he to go so far? (Across oceans!)
Be honest, will anyone run away because their age is that of a child? (He's right to be called a kid, and this circles back to "When did he crack")
More description about "not liking" not going with friends. Did he NEVER do this? Heck, did he even HAVE friends?
Make it more "action". Show don't tell! You are using exposition for everything, simply explaining after-the-fact. You could work some very heartfelt and character building dialogue and actions into several of these scenes.
Police would investigate. Your plot is loose if the whole being tossed into an orphanage and parents being imprisoned lies on the say-so of a kid.

I would be surprised if with a rewriting, this couldn't fill many many pages.

The idea is very good, and could be great with more development, but I just wrote more than you by asking questions on the story!

Yes
Exactly
What's there so far is a synopsis, not a story

Oh, just read it more carefully.
Okay so your parents were "stealing you money", or you made it seem.
They technically have every right to do so. They probably gave it to you. You are not an adult, your parents can control your finances.

Anyway, your little brother was 5!!! That's heavy stuff. Any kid would be seriously attached to a sibling that young, and the sibling to them. This stuff needs to be like, really descriptive.

it was supposed to be like he grows up and he tries to find his brother but the whole time his brother was with him along the way (changed his name) idk...

FreshStudios wrote:

jackrulez wrote:

You can't run from Albany to Amsterdam. There's this thing called an "ocean".

... I'm talking about Albany New York to Amsterdam new York theres no ocean seperating them *face palm*

You might want to make that more apparent, as when I think of Amsterdam I think of the one in the Netherlands. I've never even heard of Amsterdam, New York.

^What they said.

It's a good idea, you're just missing out some really important stuff. Keep working on it though. ^^

(It should also be "to my parents' bank account", not "to my parent's bank account. I'm not normally a grammar freak, but seeing as this is a story, I thought I'd better say ^^')

Wickimen wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Genius.

Instead of "I escaped the orphanage and ran from Albany to Amsterdam" you could fill a couple pages!

What was his average life like there?
When did he finally crack, what occurrence did it take for him to finally run?
When his brother left, did he understand this was his fate for tomorrow?
Was he sad to see his brother go?
Running is obviously tiring, how desperate was he to go so far? (Across oceans!)
Be honest, will anyone run away because their age is that of a child? (He's right to be called a kid, and this circles back to "When did he crack")
More description about "not liking" not going with friends. Did he NEVER do this? Heck, did he even HAVE friends?
Make it more "action". Show don't tell! You are using exposition for everything, simply explaining after-the-fact. You could work some very heartfelt and character building dialogue and actions into several of these scenes.
Police would investigate. Your plot is loose if the whole being tossed into an orphanage and parents being imprisoned lies on the say-so of a kid.

I would be surprised if with a rewriting, this couldn't fill many many pages.

The idea is very good, and could be great with more development, but I just wrote more than you by asking questions on the story!

Yes
Exactly
What's there so far is a synopsis, not a story

+1
This can become a really great story, just show, don't tell.

I would like to present to you: Show, Don't Tell.