Scratch

Happypieman wrote:

calebxy wrote:

Happypieman wrote:

Putting everything about the characters aside, it seem good, but you need to describe more. It seems to me that you are telling more than showing, and a way you can probably improve on this is by using more metaphors and similes, which are hard to use in mystery/detective stories, but effective. Also, don't use too much dialogue. Again, you you need to describe more. Could something in the background be a crucial clue?

Not putting everything about the characters aside, yes I agree with everyone, they do need to have their 'fatal flaws' I have written a short story, (8 pages, using A4 paper and a 23 font!). That was ages ago, but anyway it seemed to be well recieved. (Sorry if it sounds like i'm bragging and being really nasty!)

I'm not trying to sound mean, but if you are writing a book, this sort of rant is what you can expect from publishers and critics. 

Hope this helps!

Thanks, but about the dialogue: I like the dialogue. Why would you expect any less in an interrogation?! Of course they'll be lots of speaking.

Yes, there will be, but don't forget that lots of speech get's tiring very quickly. Why not try putting a bit more description inbetween parts of text? For example, "Caleb noticed a bead of sweat slowly trickling down XX forehead" instead of just dialouge, dialouge, dialouge.

Ah yes, I see. I suppose I could try that. But surely it doesn't get boring (or at least not as) during the parts when Caleb is explaining about how he knew what he did? That's interesting, isn't it?

yoshidude56 wrote:

Why do I feel that I've heard this idea before? And again, before that? AND... again and again and again and again?

What are you talking about?

Luke121 wrote:

calebxy wrote:

yoshidude56 wrote:

Why do I feel that I've heard this idea before? And again, before that? AND... again and again and again and again?

What are you talking about?

He's saying it's overused.

Yes, but what? What is he saying is overused?

Luke121 wrote:

calebxy wrote:

Luke121 wrote:

He's saying it's overused.

Yes, but what? What is he saying is overused?

Mystery solving teenagers has only been done a thousand or so times before.

Oh, ok. Fair enough.

Another few points to add: Batman trained for years to get his abilities, but these kids seem to have done nothing for them. How does a kid get into pyrotechnics? How could a kid learn enough psychology or whatever to turn into a human lie detector, when that kind of thing is pretty impossible even for highly trained / studied psychologists?

Also why do you reuse names so much? William and Jacob are people you know in real life, I presume? Do they know you write stories about them? You seemed to have no trouble giving names to every minor character in Space Academy

Andres-Vander wrote:

Another few points to add: Batman trained for years to get his abilities, but these kids seem to have done nothing for them. How does a kid get into pyrotechnics? How could a kid learn enough psychology or whatever to turn into a human lie detector, when that kind of thing is pretty impossible even for highly trained / studied psychologists?

In my experience, most kids enjoy playing with fire. So if someone enjoys it even more than most, then surely it's reasonable to assume that they'll do things like collect lighters, party poppers and things like that to experiment with the explosives and lighter fluid etc. and eventually get really good at that sort of thing.

And it's not impossible to almost always be able to tell when someone's lying. There are many different things to look for to tell if someone is lying; probably the most reliable being their facial expressions. There are six emotions (and their correspond facial expressions) which are universal. That means that it's the same for everyone, all over the world (well, not including people with muscle disorder or anything of the same effect). Anger, fear, happiness, sadness, disgust, and surprise. But other things, as I mentioned in the story, are less certain, but still very reliable. The biggest problem, I'd imagine, is that people don't always show any signs of lying, at least not noticeably.

Andres-Vander wrote:

Also why do you reuse names so much? William and Jacob are people you know in real life, I presume? Do they know you write stories about them?

I'm just not very good at coming up with names, so I generally use the names of people I know in real life. And yes, they do.

Andres-Vander wrote:

You seemed to have no trouble giving names to every minor character in Space Academy

What do you mean by that?

Last edited by calebxy (2012-04-14 05:05:47)

Andres-Vander wrote:

calebxy wrote:

Andres-Vander wrote:

Another few points to add: Batman trained for years to get his abilities, but these kids seem to have done nothing for them. How does a kid get into pyrotechnics? How could a kid learn enough psychology or whatever to turn into a human lie detector, when that kind of thing is pretty impossible even for highly trained / studied psychologists?

In my experience, most kids enjoy playing with fire. So if someone enjoys it even more than most, then surely it's reasonable to assume that they'll do things like collect lighters, party poppers and things like that to experiment with the explosives and lighter fluid etc. and eventually get really good at that sort of thing.

And it's not impossible to almost always be able to tell when someone's lying. There are many different things to look for to tell if someone is lying; probably the most reliable being their facial expressions. There are six emotions (and their correspond facial expressions) which are universal. That means that it's the same for everyone, all over the world (well, not including people with muscle disorder or anything of the same effect). Anger, fear, happiness, sadness, disgust, and surprise. But other things, as I mentioned in the story, are less certain, but still very reliable. The biggest problem, I'd imagine, is that people don't always show any signs of lying, at least not noticeably.

Andres-Vander wrote:

Also why do you reuse names so much? William and Jacob are people you know in real life, I presume? Do they know you write stories about them?

I'm just not very good at coming up with names, so I generally use the names of people I know in real life. And yes, they do.

Andres-Vander wrote:

You seemed to have no trouble giving names to every minor character in Space Academy

What do you mean by that?

Okay so you gave most of the green team names and you inserted them where they don't really belong / the reader wouldn't care / shouldn't really care anyways since this is probably the only time they'll be mentioned.

Oh, ok.