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#1 2012-03-13 21:27:48

vengefulabsol
New Scratcher
Registered: 2012-02-08
Posts: 14

my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

MY SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FANFICTION
                Chapter 1-MEETING THIER MAKER
A whip cracked through the air. Once it met its intended target, an ear-piercing scream was heard. “Move it! The Supreme Master himself ordered me to keep an eye on you pests and I have to make sure every one of you is in line!” A whiney, annoying voice that cracked after every sentence was speaking to a white hedgehog, a blue hedgehog, a black, red and white hedgehog and a green hedgehog. The scream came from the green one, who was getting whipped by a nasal-voiced chameleon that had just entered the room. “Get up, slave.” The chameleon was smartly dressed, unlike the captives, who were dressed in nothing.
After the chameleon left the room, the green hedgehog started griping. “Slave?! I am not a slave! What a lunatic! If I could just get outta this [removed] cage without him whipping my butt with a crop I might be able to save your sorry butts as well as mine.” The blue one was getting hugged by the pink one, who was obviously the only female hedgehog in the room. “Scourge, give it a rest, we have to get masters in order to leave or something.” The black hedgehog rolled his eyes and kicked the corner of the cage, his crimson eyes blazing with annoyance. Scourge turned on him, fuming. “What if we don’t? Huh, smart guy? What’ll happen then, Shadow?!”
Shadow shrugged his shoulders and the blue hedgehog opened his mouth to reply when an odd-looking person walked into the room. A black and blue-gray hedgehog, a syringe tightly clasped in one hand, collars in the other sashayed into the room. His pride was obvious to the captives, who just rolled their eyes. Shadow tilted his head as she opened the door and motioned for the hedgehogs to come out of their cage. Once they did, he eyed them with the interest of someone buying a new cat or dog.
“How interesting, all hedgehogs.” He flicked his tail, then grabbed them by the arms and dragged them from the cage. “What are your names?” The blue one spoke up first. “I’m Sonic, and she’s Amy.” It was obvious who he was talking about, and the fox merely nodded. “I’m Shadow.” Shadow muttered, his eyes set in a suspicious glance, not quite sure what to make of the mysterious visitor. “I’m Silver, and this is Scourge, he’s a little grumpy right now, so don’t wind him up.” The white hedgehog teased as Scourge elbowed him in the side. “Perfect. Let’s get on with it, then, shall we?” Before they could even blink, the syringes were injected into their arms.
                Chapter 2-TAMING
Sonic opened his eyes and looked around in confusion. He was on all fours, and obviously in a room. “Where am I?” “Uh, Sonic?” Sonic whirled around and saw the familiar pink hedgehog. “It’s me, Amy. I don’t know what’s going on either, but Scourge is getting tamed.” He tilted his head to one side after standing up.
“Whoa! I guess I got my muscles bunched up or something.” Amy nodded, then he asked, still curious “Scourge is being tamed? What’s that?” She lowered her gaze from his own, All at once he knew it was something bad. “Over here.” Shadow gestured for them to come over, his face expressionless, but his eyes creased in worry as the twosome followed him.  Once they got to where he was, they saw a steel door towering over them with Silver near it, his expression grim. The handle was easy to reach, but rusty, so the door made a defining creak when it swung open. Amy carefully opened the door and gasped in utter horror. Sonic just looked at the scene in front of them with his mouth agape. Scourge was on a hamster wheel (yes, a hamster wheel) and was running frantically. The black and gray hedgehog held a tazar in his hand, and was using it to zap Scourge every time he slowed down, making him cry out and run faster. “Faster, slave, I want all of that power generated by yesterday!” Scourge stubbornly crossed his arms and stopped running. “I am not a slave, you insane psychopath from the depths of Heck.” Sonic and the others watched as a current of electricity so strong it made him scream ten times was pumped into Scourge, making him run so fast his legs were a blur. “Now, now, was that so hard?” The hedgehog asked tauntingly while lifting Scourges’ exhausted  body from the wheel. “Yes. It. Was.” He got out between pants as the fox left the room, slamming the door shut for the night to leave a ghastly silence that haunted the fivesome as they fell asleep in their cage.

Last edited by cheddargirl (2012-03-16 00:14:36)

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#2 2012-03-13 21:37:40

videogame9
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-05-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR FANFICTION:

1. There are spelling and grammatical mistakes. Fix them.
2. What the heck is with this "slavery" nonsense? Slavery is illegal (well, at least in the USA) and the Scratch Team doesn't like it when you talk about illegal things. You should probably try something different.
3. Some parts just plain don't make sense. For example, the part where he got out between pants. What is that supposed to mean? You should work on fixing that.


http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4118/newvg9logo.png
QUOTE OF THE RIGHT NOW: why are we arguing about dead babies? -videogame9

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#3 2012-03-13 23:12:32

FunDude
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-06-29
Posts: 500+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

This is in the wrong place. It belongs in the things I'm making and creating. There I fixed it.

Last edited by FunDude (2012-03-16 20:48:34)


LOL signature fail

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#4 2012-03-14 05:48:42

videogame9
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-05-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

FunDude wrote:

This is in the wrong place. It belongs in the things I'm making and creating section.

THINGS WRONG WITH YOUR POST:
1. You accidentally mixed Making and Creating with Reading and Playing.


http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4118/newvg9logo.png
QUOTE OF THE RIGHT NOW: why are we arguing about dead babies? -videogame9

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#5 2012-03-14 16:48:20

Luke121
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-07-14
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

We forumers dont take too kindly to fan-fiction round these here parts.

JK, it's not bad, but also might violate some of the guidelines. idk


http://bit.ly/IlVuB5
Sorry PF, too lazy to make my own!  tongue

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#6 2012-03-14 17:55:10

Nexstudent
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-02-07
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

I feel that you're trying too hard to sound fancy, so keep try to keep it realistic in terms of vocabulary.


http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/9325/vedder.jpg

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#7 2012-03-14 17:55:26

Wickimen
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-08-02
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

videogame9 wrote:

2. What the heck is with this "slavery" nonsense? Slavery is illegal (well, at least in the USA) and the Scratch Team doesn't like it when you talk about illegal things. You should probably try something different.

Hahawut are you serious


xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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#8 2012-03-14 18:24:34

bananaman114
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

AW COME ON.
I had edited this entire thing word for word and given you plenty of advice but then I accidentally hit backspace when I had clicked out of the post square and it all got deleted :I


the sun still shines

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#9 2012-03-14 19:40:10

videogame9
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-05-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

Wickimen wrote:

videogame9 wrote:

2. What the heck is with this "slavery" nonsense? Slavery is illegal (well, at least in the USA) and the Scratch Team doesn't like it when you talk about illegal things. You should probably try something different.

Hahawut are you serious

um yes

Did I accidentally screw something up badly?


http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4118/newvg9logo.png
QUOTE OF THE RIGHT NOW: why are we arguing about dead babies? -videogame9

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#10 2012-03-14 21:18:22

bananaman114
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

videogame9 wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

videogame9 wrote:

2. What the heck is with this "slavery" nonsense? Slavery is illegal (well, at least in the USA) and the Scratch Team doesn't like it when you talk about illegal things. You should probably try something different.

Hahawut are you serious

um yes

Did I accidentally screw something up badly?

All of my stories have serious crimes commited in them
but I've never gotten a warning for any
only once when I swore but htat doesn't really apply to this situation


the sun still shines

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#11 2012-03-15 05:13:29

coolboy2009
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-07-12
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

videogame9 wrote:

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR FANFICTION:

3. Some parts just plain don't make sense. For example, the part where he got out between pants. What is that supposed to mean? You should work on fixing that.

AND THE PANTS WERE DEAD.


MOMS SPAGHETTI. (Steam: http://bit.ly/MICDaz) (roblox: http://bit.ly/LRJmcd) and (Xbox: Hal0r0cks1337)

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#12 2012-03-15 20:48:50

bananaman114
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

"I am not a slave you insane psycopath form the depths of hell"
I take offense to this
I'm somewhat insane :I


the sun still shines

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#13 2012-03-15 21:26:33

meowmeow55
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-12-24
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

bananaman114 wrote:

AW COME ON.
I had edited this entire thing word for word and given you plenty of advice but then I accidentally hit backspace when I had clicked out of the post square and it all got deleted :I

http://lazarus.interclue.com/


Yawn.

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#14 2012-03-16 18:47:45

FunDude
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-06-29
Posts: 500+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

bump


LOL signature fail

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#15 2012-03-16 19:21:21

echs
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

you can improve by not writing a Sonic fanfiction


http://i45.tinypic.com/35m4llw.gif

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#16 2012-03-16 19:31:49

Luke121
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-07-14
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

echs wrote:

you can improve by not writing a Sonic fanfiction

Thought about saying that, decided it was too cruel.


http://bit.ly/IlVuB5
Sorry PF, too lazy to make my own!  tongue

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#17 2012-03-16 20:08:43

bananaman114
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-15
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

You can improve by not writing a fanfiction in general


the sun still shines

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#18 2012-03-16 20:46:32

FunDude
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-06-29
Posts: 500+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

bananaman114 wrote:

You can improve by not writing a fanfiction in general

Please be kind of other's choices. I also posted this on my 3ds


LOL signature fail

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#19 2012-03-16 21:06:36

soupoftomato
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-07-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

FunDude wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

You can improve by not writing a fanfiction in general

Please be kind of other's choices. I also posted this on my 3ds

Not to disrespect that choice, but why do we care about your means of posting?


I'm glad to think that the community will always be kind and helpful, the language will always be a fun and easy way to be introduced into programming, the motto will always be: Imagine, Program, Share - Nomolos

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#20 2012-03-17 05:48:03

Paddle2See
Scratch Team
Registered: 2007-10-27
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

echs wrote:

you can improve by not writing a Sonic fanfiction

That's being dismissive and overly negative.  If you don't have anything constructive to say about the writing sample submitted, then please don't post on the topic.

bananaman114 wrote:

You can improve by not writing a fanfiction in general

You're dissing not just the topic but the entire genre.  Same remark above applies.

These sort of remarks are not helpful to the writer and not following the Community Guidelines.


http://i39.tinypic.com/2nav6o7.gif

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#21 2012-03-17 14:35:05

FunDude
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-06-29
Posts: 500+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

Paddle2See wrote:

echs wrote:

you can improve by not writing a Sonic fanfiction

That's being dismissive and overly negative.  If you don't have anything constructive to say about the writing sample submitted, then please don't post on the topic.

bananaman114 wrote:

You can improve by not writing a fanfiction in general

You're dissing not just the topic but the entire genre.  Same remark above applies.

These sort of remarks are not helpful to the writer and not following the Community Guidelines.

+1  smile


LOL signature fail

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#22 2012-03-17 17:14:28

echs
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-03-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

Luke121 wrote:

echs wrote:

you can improve by not writing a Sonic fanfiction

Thought about saying that, decided it was too cruel.

no I mean it's incredibly hard to write a Sonic fanfiction well and most people don't like it anyway


http://i45.tinypic.com/35m4llw.gif

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#23 2012-04-13 20:17:10

Andres-Vander
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

Wickimen wrote:

videogame9 wrote:

2. What the heck is with this "slavery" nonsense? Slavery is illegal (well, at least in the USA) and the Scratch Team doesn't like it when you talk about illegal things. You should probably try something different.

Hahawut are you serious

I doubt the Scratch Team goes around reading every sonic fanfiction that's posted on Scratch but they probably would discourage illegal stuff


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#24 2012-04-14 03:17:34

TheCatAndTheBanana
Scratcher
Registered: 2008-03-21
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

Some of it didn't really make sense, like the first bit

Here is one I am writing  (but it's for Penguins of Madagascar) (The first few lines, done all of Chpt 1 and about half of a very long Chpt 2:

The silhouettes of 4 penguins were the only things other than ice and sky. They were cold. Hungry. Lost. But still they went on.
The shortest one spoke, breaking the silence. He was gasping for air between every word he said.

Don't be afraid to read over it and do any errors, moar detail, etc.

Last edited by TheCatAndTheBanana (2012-04-14 03:18:56)


My Newest Project!
Ceta? wat r u doin? CETA! STAHP!

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#25 2012-04-14 06:19:07

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: my sonic fanfiction(first attempt please tell me how i can improve)

Andres-Vander wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

videogame9 wrote:

2. What the heck is with this "slavery" nonsense? Slavery is illegal (well, at least in the USA) and the Scratch Team doesn't like it when you talk about illegal things. You should probably try something different.

Hahawut are you serious

I doubt the Scratch Team goes around reading every sonic fanfiction that's posted on Scratch but they probably would discourage illegal stuff

I've discussed slavery in several of my stories and I'm still around.
Besides, not everyone here lives in the USA(well I do, but not everyone does).


Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.

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