Scratch

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Time to edit before Wicki gets here!  I'll just edit the prologue for now.

wolvesstar97 wrote:

He shrugged, and then grabbed a backpack off of his shelf and hurriedly shoved clothes into it. Wait a sec. If he'd just been assigned to such a crazy, scary job, wouldn't he be terrified?

Nice job!  I think you did a good job with creating suspense where it's needed.

Good point on the fact that he would be scared.I'll add that in.

Here is an introduction. Tell me what you think.

Grey Matter
The Journal of Jason Grey

Author's note: I am aware that there are many people named “Jason Grey”. This is not meant to reflect any of them, and any similarities between this character and any persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

    Seven years. This is how long I have suffered, seeing and hearing things not present. Seven years of paranoia, of watching people explode into rivers of moonlight and then collapse into everything. Seven years of being kept far away from all others, kept in rooms with soft walls, though I have never wanted to hurt myself. Seven years of shame, of torment, of misery; this is what I have endured on my journey through life. And I can't endure much more. Hallucinations keep me awake, while pains and voices prevent sleep. I have slept no more than ten hours in the past week; it is getting worse. I do believe that my time is at an end; therefore, I have left this journal to retell the sad, sad story of Jason Grey, psychotic extraordinaire.

PLEASE give me criticism: I won't write much more until I know how I should improve my style; I want to keep the style even throughout the piece.

Last edited by wmays (2012-02-26 14:53:07)

wmays wrote:

Here is an introduction. Tell me what you think.

Grey Matter
The Journal of Jason Grey

Author's note: I am aware that there are many people named “Jason Grey”. This is not meant to reflect any of them, and any similarities between this character and any persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

    Seven years. This is how long I have suffered, seeing and hearing things not present. Seven years of paranoia, of watching people explode into rivers of moonlight and then collapse into everything. Seven years of being kept far away from all others, kept in rooms with soft walls, though I have never wanted to hurt myself. Seven years of shame, of torment, of misery; this is what I have endured on my journey through life. And I can't endure much more. Hallucinations keep me awake, while pains and voices prevent sleep. I have slept no more than ten hours in the past week; it is getting worse. I do believe that my time is at an end; therefore, I have left this journal to retell the sad, sad story of Jason Grey, psychotic extraordinaire.

PLEASE give me criticism: I won't write much more until I know how I should improve my style; I want to keep the style even throughout the piece.

I think it's really good!  I think you would have no problem keeping at least me reading with your current writing style!

Bumpity bumpity bump.

Five

    Rufus woke that morning in the corner, where he'd fallen asleep.  None of the soldiers was up and about yet.  Good.  Tossing aside the blanket, he stood up and stretched. 
    He closed his eyes and murmured, "Kimmy.  Please, Kimmy.  You can make it.  Get to safety.  Please." +1 to Rufus 
    A rustling noise brought him back to reality.  The rat sleeping on Kimmy's bed yawned and stretched.  He sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Get me water," he snapped at Rufus. Jerk
    "Yes, sir." Rufus picked up an empty cup and hurried out to the stream, closing the bark behind him to keep in the heat.
    But he didn't return.  Five minutes passed.  Edward, the leader of the group of rats, swung himself out of bed. "Where's that guy got to?" Annoyed, Edward went outside to check, and kick Rufus if need be.
    His yells woke the other soldiers. "Rufus is escaping!  Catch the runaway!"
YESSS! Get away Rufus!

    Kimmy had been working for three or four days - she'd lost count.  It was cold down there, and dark, and damp.  The only light came from scraps of burning cloth attatched to the wall at spasmodic intervals. Good paragraph. Poor Kimmy D:
    Each main tunnel had a holding pen for whatever slaves were working in that area at the time.  A rat was left to guard each pen.
    Kimmy lay in the corner.  She shivered, her stomach crying for more food good personification, resting her head on an arm, trying to sleep.  Her mind still churned.  She had to escape, somehow.  She had to back and help her dad.  She had to get home, had to fix everything.
    A middle-aged mouse stumbled to his feet.  He grabbed at the bars, shouting bad things at the rat.  The mouse shook with rage.  He's gone insane, Kimmy thought, edging deeper into the corner.
    For some reason, that didn't surprise her. Lol but depressing

    Rufus warily approached the metal door set into the hillside.  Just the sight of it made him go numb, but he had no choice.  Somewhere inside there was Zamar.  And Zamar must die.
    Holding his rusted iron nail, he eventually managed to pick the lock.  Creaking the door open, he was cold with fear as he stared into the dark.  These are both good sentences, but with the same format it may flow better if you change one of the sentence structures, i.e., 'He eventually managed to pick the lock with his rusted iron nail'. Sweat from his paw ran onto the screw, but Rufus dried the paw on his shirt and gripped the screw tighter.
    Rufus closed the door behind him and headed into the darkness.
Good job w/ the suspense!    Possibly the best chapter yet

Yes^^ 
Possibly before I grow up
Though that would be difficult

^^
Whoa, I'm going to get something published in a kids' art and writing magazine next issue, is it the same one?
I am secretly hoping they actually don't put it up though, because I really hate it 
My goal is to get a novel published before I'm 14, or at least before I'm 18
Originally I said before I was 13, but now that's under a month away, so yeah 

Wickimen wrote:

^^
Whoa, I'm going to get something published in a kids' art and writing magazine next issue, is it the same one?
I am secretly hoping they actually don't put it up though, because I really hate it 
My goal is to get a novel published before I'm 14, or at least before I'm 18
Originally I said before I was 13, but now that's under a month away, so yeah 

My novel will be finished probably before I'm 13. Its a long ways to December (aaaah I'm turning 13 this yearrrrrr aaaaaah)

undefeatedgames wrote:

Okay guys. I have a poem and I need feedback!

Code:

young boy looks up in the sky
young boy says a sigh
no stars tonight
the city blocks the light
of parents above
the celestial doves

the beauty of the skies cannot bleed
its white beads
in the sky
and up high
there's more 
it's not a bore
galaxies dance
and prance
across the infinite black sea
little stars tinier than a pea
galaxies the size of crumbs
its not dumb
its space

mercury, venus, earth and mars
jupiter, saturn, uranus, neptune and stars
the teaching stops there
that's an ugly affair
there's more to see
which causes glee

a black hole ravenously feasts on a star
a supergiant explodes as if bizarre
bubbles of gamma-rays gigantic and cute
this is only some of the universe's fruit

imagine a world with pink oceans and red lands
how about another home to only green sands
or maybe a frigid small world full of ice
perhaps there's a hot gas giant that isn't nice
as it closely orbits its parent
the errant
occurs as the child evaporates under the power
of the mother glower

a rainbow-colored cloud
packed and proud
used for the birth
of numerous stars; there's no dearth
of fuel of the stars, so they can grow
and become almighty,

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

^^
Whoa, I'm going to get something published in a kids' art and writing magazine next issue, is it the same one?
I am secretly hoping they actually don't put it up though, because I really hate it 
My goal is to get a novel published before I'm 14, or at least before I'm 18
Originally I said before I was 13, but now that's under a month away, so yeah 

The magazine I was trying for is Stone Soup.

...Do you have a subscription
If so don't read mine ._.

Could anyone help me with my speech??
Thanks 

Wickimen wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

...Do you have a subscription
If so don't read mine ._.

Subscription to Stone Soup?  Yeah, I do. 
Please tell me which is your story? (I won't tell your name or anything on here)  And I'm pretty darn sure I've written worse than your story.

That would be hard to imagine...
When the next issue comes out, guess 

Okay.  From what you've said in the past, I know you live somewhere on the West Coast.
My sister, PeaceLoveArt, is trying to get her artwork into Stone Soup.
What's your favorite story you've seen in SS?  Mine would have to be the Cheetah one, where the cheetah is trying to get free from a zoo.