Scratch

Here's the beginning of a story I'm writing.  Please give feedback and advice.


One

    I shoved my hands into my sweatshirt pocket, cursing the winter and kicking a chunk of ice along.  I shivered, and realized that it wasn't just because of the dang cold.  I could feel cold eyes stabbing my back, the gangs, probably, waiting for some snobby rich guy with fur coats and more money in their pockets than anyone else earned in a lifetime.  'Course, not many of those types are out at nine PM.  I walked faster.
    I was walking so fast, my head bowed so low, that I didn't see the girl that had begun to stride along beside me.  I didn't notice her until her hand grabbed my shoulder.  Startled, I whirled, yanking from her tough grasp.
    There were girls in the gangs.  Just cause she was a little younger than me didn't mean anything.  The hard look in her flame-blue eyes didn't help.  I started walking backwards slowly.
    "Dollen," she said.
    "H-how'd ya know my name?" I asked, ready to punch her if she tried to hurt me.  I don't give a crud about that sexist saying, 'Don't hit a girl'.
    "Do you have any idea what you are?"
    "Human?" I guessed lamely, my hand curled into a loose fist.
    But she shook her head. "No.  Not exactly."
    "Uh...what?" My fist became tighter.
    "You're not totally human.  At least not in the common sense."
    This kid needs to visit a mental asylum, I thought.  My fist shot out, aiming for the side of her face.
    But she grabbed my arm and held it tight, twisting it so agonizing pain shot up my arm.  I bit back a pained scream.  No doubt about the asylum thing now.
    "Dollen, friend Wind Rider," she said.  Mental hospital, mental hospital, mental hospital, I thought.  What the heck was she talking about now?
    "Will you please just give me a straight answer?" I yelled, thoroughly annoyed. "What the heck are you talking about?"
    "You never knew?  You're a Wind Rider."
    "Wind Rider?" I was really frustrated now.  I would probably have broken my wrist  if it meant getting a straight answer.
    "You've never stood outside and stretched out your arms, felt the wind rushing through your hair, and felt like you could jump and never come down?"
    "I've felt like that lots."
    She let go of me as a gust of wind blew through. "Reach up," she ordered.  Mystified, I did.  Something grazed my fingertips and a strange feeling came over me.  Acting on an impulse, I grabbed whatever that was and jumped, swinging my legs up and standing.
    Wait a sec, standing?
    But standing I was.  Something shimmered gently under my feet.  The girl grinned.
    "Who are you?" I asked.
    "I'm Cole.  I'm a Wind Rider too."
    "Wind Rider...that's what you meant."
    "Jump!  The wind is dying!  Jump!''
    I stumbled and saw the shininess under my feet waver. "Jump!" yelled Cole.  I did.  My feet plunged through the shimmer and I landed on my feet.  The shimmer at about head-height fizzled, then died out.
    I could not believe everything that was happening.  Yet, it seemed so...so...right.  Like I'd always known a song, but only recently had been able to work out some of the words.
    "Should we meet again and you can teach me more about Wind-Riding?" I asked.  Heck, I wanted to learn everything now, but it was getting late.  Mom would get home from work soon and if I wasn't home she'd get worried and mad.
    "Sure.  Ten-thirty at night, tomorrow, Green Park, by the fountain?"
    I nodded.  I was impatient. "See ya." I shoved my hands into my hoodie pockets and hurried off.

undefeatedgames wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Here's the beginning of a story I'm writing.  Please give feedback and advice.
(Story)

cool

Thanks. 

Last edited by PlutoIsHades (2012-02-22 13:29:45)

Very good, Pluto.    It's very interesting. But I think it's a bit unbelievable that Dollen would so instantly agree to meeting this person again. A person who he had seconds ago thought should be in a mental hospital. Maybe you could make him a bit more cautious about it, and also more amazed at his new-found ability.

Last edited by calebxy (2012-02-22 13:43:32)

Time for editness!
Comments in blue
Edits in red

One

    I shoved my hands into my sweatshirt pocket, cursing the winter and kicking a chunk of ice along.  I shivered, and realized that it wasn't just because of the dang cold.  I could feel cold eyes stabbing my back, the gangs, probably, waiting for some snobby rich guy with fur coats and more money in their pockets than anyone else earned in a lifetime.  'Course, not many of those types are out at nine PM. Lolz. I walked faster.
    I was walking so fast, my head bowed so low, that I didn't see the girl that had begun to stride along beside me.  I didn't even notice her until her hand grabbed my shoulder.  Startled, I whirled, yanking from her tight grasp.
    There were girls in the gangs.  Just 'cause she was a little younger than me didn't mean anything.  The hard look in her flame-blue eyes didn't help.  I started walking backwards slowly.
    "Dollen," she said.
    "H-how'd ya know my name?" I asked, ready to punch her if she tried to hurt me.  I don't give a crud about that sexist saying, 'Don't hit a girl'.
    "Do you have any idea what you are?"
    "Human?" I guessed lamely, my hand curled into a loose fist. He probably wouldn't know what she meant at first, species. A more probable guess woud be like a kid or a student or whatever
    But she shook her head. "No.  Not exactly."
    "Uh... what?" My fist became tighter.
    "You're not totally human.  At least not in the common sense."
    This kid needs to visit a mental asylum, I thought.  My fist shot out, aiming for the side of her face.
    But she grabbed my arm and held it tight, twisting it so that agonizing pain shot up my arm.  I bit back a pained scream.  No doubt about the asylum thing now.
    "Dollen, friend Wind Rider," she said.  Mental hospital, mental hospital, mental hospital, I thought.  What the heck was she talking about now?
    "Will you please just give me a straight answer?" I yelled, thoroughly annoyed. "What the heck are you talking about?"
    "You never knew?  You're a Wind Rider."
    "Wind Rider?" I was really frustrated now.  I would probably have broken my wrist  if it meant getting a straight answer.
    "You've never stood outside and stretched out your arms, felt the wind rushing through your hair, and felt like you could jump and never come down?"
    "I've felt like that lots." He may have been a bit more reluctant to say so
    She let go of me as a gust of wind blew through. "Reach up," she ordered.  Mystified, I did.  Something grazed my fingertips and a strange feeling came over me.  Acting on an impulse, I grabbed whatever that was and jumped, swinging my legs up and standing.
    Wait a sec, standing?
    But standing I was.  Something shimmered gently under my feet.  The girl grinned.
    "Who are you?" I asked.
    "I'm Cole.  I'm a Wind Rider too."
    "Wind Rider...that's what you meant."
    "Jump!  The wind is dying!  Jump!''
    I stumbled and saw the shininess under my feet waver. "Jump!" yelled Cole.  I did.  My feet plunged through the shimmer and I landed on my feet.  The shimmer at about head-height fizzled, then died out.
    I could not believe everything that was happening.  Yet, it seemed so...so...right.  Like I'd always known a song, but only recently had been able to work out some of the words. I like that last sentence
    "Should we meet again and you can teach me more about Wind-Riding?" I asked.  Heck, I wanted to learn everything now, but it was getting late.  Mom would get home from work soon and if I wasn't home she'd get worried and mad.
    "Sure.  Ten-thirty at night, tomorrow, Green Park, by the fountain?"
    I nodded.  I was impatient. "See ya." I shoved my hands into my hoodie pockets and hurried off. As others have said, he might have been more suspicious

Coolio story 

Wickimen wrote:

PlutoIsHades wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

What can an 11 year old do impressively?

My eleven-year-old cousin is going on to his state's spelling bee, having won against all the middle-schoolers in his region.  I call that impressive.

But still, Harry Potter

He touched a mans face in the first book.

I mean he was brave but he didn't do much. 

Oh didn't see it.

I think I saw Adam Savage talking about that in order to live forever.

Wickimen wrote:

Wow really?
All my ideas end up not being original after all it seems

Yes.
He somehow artificially recreated the fluids in the womb that promote growth to regenerate his arm.

It turned out fine except his arm acted like a newborn babies, unlearned and uncomfortable.

^^Awesome 

Wickimen wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Wow really?
All my ideas end up not being original after all it seems

Yes.
He somehow artificially recreated the fluids in the womb that promote growth to regenerate his arm.

It turned out fine except his arm acted like a newborn babies, unlearned and uncomfortable.

._.
Wow
I may just have to come up with another novel plot
Well this sucks.

It was only a theory, though.

The show was a fictitious look at using actual theories to possibly live forever, he didn't actually do this, in case you couldn't tell. 

Last edited by soupoftomato (2012-02-22 19:23:32)

Wickimen wrote:

Time for editness!
Comments in blue
Edits in red

One

    I shoved my hands into my sweatshirt pocket, cursing the winter and kicking a chunk of ice along.  I shivered, and realized that it wasn't just because of the dang cold.  I could feel cold eyes stabbing my back, the gangs, probably, waiting for some snobby rich guy with fur coats and more money in their pockets than anyone else earned in a lifetime.  'Course, not many of those types are out at nine PM. Lolz. I walked faster.
    I was walking so fast, my head bowed so low, that I didn't see the girl that had begun to stride along beside me.  I didn't even notice her until her hand grabbed my shoulder.  Startled, I whirled, yanking from her tight grasp.
    There were girls in the gangs.  Just 'cause she was a little younger than me didn't mean anything.  The hard look in her flame-blue eyes didn't help.  I started walking backwards slowly.
    "Dollen," she said.
    "H-how'd ya know my name?" I asked, ready to punch her if she tried to hurt me.  I don't give a crud about that sexist saying, 'Don't hit a girl'.
    "Do you have any idea what you are?"
    "Human?" I guessed lamely, my hand curled into a loose fist. He probably wouldn't know what she meant at first, species. A more probable guess woud be like a kid or a student or whatever
    But she shook her head. "No.  Not exactly."
    "Uh... what?" My fist became tighter.
    "You're not totally human.  At least not in the common sense."
    This kid needs to visit a mental asylum, I thought.  My fist shot out, aiming for the side of her face.
    But she grabbed my arm and held it tight, twisting it so that agonizing pain shot up my arm.  I bit back a pained scream.  No doubt about the asylum thing now.
    "Dollen, friend Wind Rider," she said.  Mental hospital, mental hospital, mental hospital, I thought.  What the heck was she talking about now?
    "Will you please just give me a straight answer?" I yelled, thoroughly annoyed. "What the heck are you talking about?"
    "You never knew?  You're a Wind Rider."
    "Wind Rider?" I was really frustrated now.  I would probably have broken my wrist  if it meant getting a straight answer.
    "You've never stood outside and stretched out your arms, felt the wind rushing through your hair, and felt like you could jump and never come down?"
    "I've felt like that lots." He may have been a bit more reluctant to say so
    She let go of me as a gust of wind blew through. "Reach up," she ordered.  Mystified, I did.  Something grazed my fingertips and a strange feeling came over me.  Acting on an impulse, I grabbed whatever that was and jumped, swinging my legs up and standing.
    Wait a sec, standing?
    But standing I was.  Something shimmered gently under my feet.  The girl grinned.
    "Who are you?" I asked.
    "I'm Cole.  I'm a Wind Rider too."
    "Wind Rider...that's what you meant."
    "Jump!  The wind is dying!  Jump!''
    I stumbled and saw the shininess under my feet waver. "Jump!" yelled Cole.  I did.  My feet plunged through the shimmer and I landed on my feet.  The shimmer at about head-height fizzled, then died out.
    I could not believe everything that was happening.  Yet, it seemed so...so...right.  Like I'd always known a song, but only recently had been able to work out some of the words. I like that last sentence
    "Should we meet again and you can teach me more about Wind-Riding?" I asked.  Heck, I wanted to learn everything now, but it was getting late.  Mom would get home from work soon and if I wasn't home she'd get worried and mad.
    "Sure.  Ten-thirty at night, tomorrow, Green Park, by the fountain?"
    I nodded.  I was impatient. "See ya." I shoved my hands into my hoodie pockets and hurried off. As others have said, he might have been more suspicious

Coolio story 

Thank you!

I'm working on a story that's already like 58 pages. If I get it published then OH YEAH BABY

On a totally unrelated-to-the-other-story-I-posted note, here's the beginning of another story I'm writing.  I posted the chapter one in Misc but I'll repost it and update more of it.  Please tell me what you think.

One

    The still form of the mouse lay in the snow.  Near her, her two oldest children lay where they had fallen, dead.  But something, a toddler mouse, wriggled in her mother's dead grasp.
    The hordes of rats were still stampeding forward.  The bodies of the slain mice had been cast aside pitilessly into the freezing snow, the toddler taken for dead.
    One middle-aged rat paused beside the bodies, the blood still oozing from the mice's wounds.  The rat noticed the little mouse still alive, trying to crawl away.  The rat stepped away from the stampeding horde and knelt beside the baby.  He looked around, then turned back to the body and the toddler.  He picked up the little mouse and pulled his tattered cloak tighter around them both.  He slipped quietly away into the woodlands, away from the city from where he'd come.

Two

    Kimmy had always lived deep in the woods.  The place she called home was a good-sized hollow at the base of an old oak tree. 
    Kimmy tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep.  At the other side of the room, her father, a kind-hearted, older rat named Rufus, was tossing a piece of wood into the small fireplace.
    However, Kimmy wasn't a rat.  She was a mouse.  Thing is, she wasn't aware she was a mouse.  Rufus never brought up the subject of their species.  Kimmy knew she and her dad were different, but not why.
    Rufus turned and smiled at Kimmy. "Can't sleep?" Kimmy nodded.  He beckoned her over to sit beside the fire. 
    "Want to here another story about the city?"
    She nodded eagerly, staring into the flickering flames, the crackle of burning wood making her feel safe.  Story time.  She loved hearing about her father's countless adventures in the city. 
    "I was barely older than yourself.  My family had never been rich, and my parents never cared about me as I care about you.  My mom sent me out to steal food from the humans almost every day.
    "Well, every day, I'd smell the food cooking in a human dining place, where lots of humans would go to eat.  It smelled oh so good!  One day...I couldn't resist.  I snuck in through the window and dropped into an open cupboard, pulling myself behind a box as I looked around.
    "And then I saw the bread.  Fresh from the oven, I could literally see all the steam rising from it!  The crust was all golden and crisp-looking.  Oh, I could almost taste it already!
    "I darted across the floor towards that beautiful loaf of steaming bread.  But as I headed towards the table, one of the human cooks saw me and yelled something.  I'm pretty sure it was a swear. 
    "The cook picked up a huge knife.  It was sharp, I'd seen him cutting food with it.  Then he ran towards me with the knife upraised!  I scrambled up onto the table and ripped a piece from the bread.  I carried it in my mouth and it tasted sweeter and more delicious than anything I'd ever eaten before!
    "The knife cut most of my tail off!" Rufus' paw strayed over the stub of his tail. "But I kept on running, cause that knife would have chopped up the rest o' me if I stopped!"
    "I jumped from the window, the landing nearly knocking the breath from me.  From there, I scurried home.  My mom and dad, I don't think they even noticed that my tail was gone.  And I barely got a pawful of the bread."
    "Aw," Kimmy said, hugging Rufus tight.  He smiled lovingly.
    "C'mon, time for you to go to sleep."
    Kimmy rubbed her eyes sleepily as she stumbled over to her bed, collapsing on it and pulling the blanket tightly around her. "Night," she said, and fell asleep a few minutes later.

^^Cool 
What happened to the other thing you were working on?