Scratch

soupoftomato wrote:

Generic.

The end is crazy. Really. Crazy.

Laternenpfahl wrote:

Please keep writing more 

This. It sounds awesome 

Kay. Prepare for nitpickiness:

"Jack, where are you going?"
    I turned around. My father stood in the kitchen doorway.  
    "Just outside for a walk," I replied.
    "Well, don't wander too far," he cautioned me.
The transition from this to the next paragraph seemed a bit abrupt, maybe you could add in, ' "I will" ' or 'I nodded' or something.
    I walked down to the gate, pushing it open, its hinges creaking. I reminded myself to oil it when I got back. Or in the morning, as it was starting to grow dark. That second sentence may be considered a fragment, consider joining with the other one. The air was damp, and I knew it was going to rain soon, although I didn't really care. A walk up the hill on the other side of town would be pleasant. I'm not sure how those two thoughts go together. Consider adding at the end of the second one, 'even in the rain'.
    I strolled down the street. The pavement was badly in need of repair; many stones were cracked or missing May give the sentence a better finished-ness if you finish with "missing altogether" rather than just "missing". The houses on either side had small gardens and brick walls. Some were well kept, others doesn't need the word "appeared" derelict, though I knew for a fact that every house on my street was occupied.

Despite my nitpickiness though, it's actually a great start 
Post more soon

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-02-18 17:29:07)

Sounds like a good beginning.

Wickimen wrote:

Kay. Prepare for nitpickiness:

"Jack, where are you going?"
    I turned around. My father stood in the kitchen doorway.  
    "Just outside for a walk," I replied.
    "Well, don't wander too far," he cautioned me.
The transition from this to the next paragraph seemed a bit abrupt, maybe you could add in, ' "I will" ' or 'I nodded' or something.
    I walked down to the gate, pushing it open, its hinges creaking. I reminded myself to oil it when I got back. Or in the morning, as it was starting to grow dark. That second sentence may be considered a fragment, consider joining with the other one. The air was damp, and I knew it was going to rain soon, although I didn't really care. A walk up the hill on the other side of town would be pleasant. I'm not sure how those two thoughts go together. Consider adding at the end of the second one, 'even in the rain'.
    I strolled down the street. The pavement was badly in need of repair; many stones were cracked or missing May give the sentence a better finished-ness if you finish with "missing altogether" rather than just "missing". The houses on either side had small gardens and brick walls. Some were well kept, others doesn't need the word "appeared" derelict, though I knew for a fact that every house on my street was occupied.

Despite my nitpickiness though, it's actually a great start 
Post more soon