Scratch

That was amazing!
I'm into story-writing too
its just that i never put them up.

u making this into a big story?
u should

Dekkooga toiled in the goldmine of the lower world. Sweat ran down his body every time his bone-bladed pickax struck the rocks. After three or four more swings he tossed aside his pickax and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.
He was a Ure I assume it sounds like Yerr, in which case 'a' instead of 'an' would apply, a race of subterranean humanoids who have heads as hard as rock. Right. Infodump. Ure also have pointy ears, padded feet, gray to brown skin, and had yellow eyes. More infodump.  Also you randomly switched to present tense with this sentence Dekkooga zoned out, oblivious of reality That is a double negative and also "zoned out" doesn't sound that good when not in dialogue IMO. A mental image portrayed a fertile river with slow moving water. Along the riverbank was a collection of huts and a race of dark skinned people. Wait what? What's going on here? "A mental image portrayed" doesn't inform you very well that he is daydreaming... perhaps, "he closed his eyes and pictured?" This was also very unprecedented, does he like, day dream vividly about humans all the time?

They had brown skin, dark hair, and were decorated with body paint and donned colorful kilts. They were humans, he assumed, a race of the upper world. He had never seen humans in his life, but he had are stories involving humans and descriptions of humans told by Ure who were bold enough to venture to the upper world. He's not even clear on who he is daydreaming about? You could say something like, "This was how he imagined humans, though he had never seen them..." etc

But yeah like I said
Nice concept 

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-02-12 17:06:41)

I agree with Wickimen about the info dump, but it's a great concept and I can't wait to see where you'll go with this!